What Happens If You Eat Mold and Other Nonsense
I don’t know about the rest of you out there but there are days when I just don’t feel like I measure up! It’s like I am out of sync with the universe; I’m clumsy, I drop things, I trip over roots in the lawn and I suddenly forget how to spell or construct an intelligent sentence. I start feeling like I did in high school, the only nerd in a sea of cool kids.
When those moments come upon me I have one time-tested, sure-to-not-fail solution: I do a Google search and I immediately find out that compared to some of the other internet jockeys out there I’m pretty darn normal. I’m sorry to put it this way; I know I’m being terribly blunt and I truly don’t want to appear insensitive, but there are some strange people lurking behind those PC’s and Mac’s. The kind of people I would not invite home to meet Bev! The kind of people I would not want my son dating! The kind of people I hope never breed!
Do you think I exaggerate? Do you think I’m being a bit nasty? Well fine! I invite you to read on and make up your own mind. This week I typed the following question into Google and Yahoo: What happens if you? Read for yourself and tell me if I’m being a bit harsh in my appraisal of my fellow internet brethren. And please, don’t write a comment telling me the real answers to these questions. Where is the fun in that?
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU EAT MOLD?
We have all seen it on food at one time or another. Heck, show me a bachelor and I’m willing to bet if you look in his refrigerator you will find quite an assortment of mold. When I was living alone I always felt that mold added a nice color scheme to the foods in my fridge. Bread is so drab, but add a touch of mold and now you have green bread! Much more festive, especially around the Christmas holidays! And don’t you think the yellow of cheese goes well with the green fuzzies?
But back to the question at hand: what happens if you eat mold? Well my friends, if, after you spot that green, fuzzy stuff on your food you still choose to eat it, I would suggest you check yourself into a psyche ward at the soonest possible moment. Does that look normal to you? Does your cheese usually have hair growing out of it? What would possess someone to give a little nibble to a food that has suddenly taken on the appearance of a horror film creature?
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T EAT?
The quick answer to this one is that your friends will start calling you Twiggy! The long answer is you will be called Twiggy for several months and then you won’t have to worry about it any longer. What do they mean what will happen if you don’t eat? What do they think will happen? Last time I checked the human body needs food to survive; did I miss something in those anatomy classes I took? Do we have a new generation of kids who miss a lot of class and now they don’t understand that we need to eat? I thought this was basic common sense and yet there are thousands out there asking this question.
This would make more sense if someone were asking what happens if we don’t eat mold, in which case the answer would be absolutely nothing. Can you imagine the executives of McDonald’s upon finding out that there are those out there who are contemplating not eating a Big Mac any longer? It’s so un-American! We are an obese country and we can’t have these subversives ruining our image! Step away from the computer and go bite down on a German Chocolate Cake as soon as possible!
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CHEAT ON YOUR TAXES?
Well, if you are a major corporation then absolutely nothing will happen. Those guys have been getting away with this for years. However, if you are some working stiff and you cheat on your taxes then the IRS will hunt you down and bring you to your knees. Those guys are relentless and there is no place on Earth for you to hide, so give it up and save yourself a manhunt.
If you still insist on cheating then I suggest you go to the seedier part of your town and ask for a guy named Mario or Alphonse! For a few hundred bucks he can get you a new identity that will keep the IRS fooled for a few years at least. Your other option is to stop eating and soon all of your problems will go away.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET AUDITED?
If you’ve been cheating on your taxes then you are so deep in doo-doo that you might as well eat about a pound-and-a-half of mold. Seriously, what do you think is going to happen? The IRS has no sense of humor. None! They could be auditing Larry the Cable Guy and they would not smile once during the proceedings. They could be auditing The Three Stooges and they would charge them for impersonating comedians.
This is a government agency that has audited dead people in the past and then levied taxes on the survivors. What do you think is going to happen? If you have been cheating then you have no hope. You could have Mother Teresa as your tax lawyer and you would be going to Folsom Prison for life and Mother Teresa would be sharing the same cell with you. You cannot bribe them, you cannot cajole them, you cannot humor them or reason with them. You can only pray to God to have mercy on your soul because you will receive no mercy from the auditor.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU STOP PAYING ON CREDIT CARDS?
Next to the IRS there is no more relentless entity than a credit card company that is looking for a late payment. They will call you in the morning. They will call you in the afternoon. They will call you in the evening before you go to bed. Go ahead, change locations! It may take them a little longer than the IRS but they will find you. When they have finally weakened you with the persistent pressure and you finally pick up the phone they will act like you are their long-lost relative and they were just concerned for your health.
Again, go downtown and find Alphonse and get that new identity. Then, on your way out of town, give your old cell phone to your least favorite relative or friend and let them answer all of those annoying calls from Bangladesh and Borneo!
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T SLEEP?
I’m yawning just thinking about this question. What do they mean what happens if they don’t sleep? One night? Three? A month? I can tell you from personal experience that it’s possible to go a few days without sleep because I did it at the Monterrey Pop Festival and then promptly fell into a catatonic state for two days. I understand having insomnia so please don’t write comments on how to beat that malady. What I don’t understand is being so concerned about it that you look for a remedy on the internet.
Whenever I can’t sleep I read “Wuthering Heights” by Bronte and I start nodding off within minutes. If that doesn’t work I put on some Barry Manilow while I’m reading. Absolutely guaranteed to work!
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU TAKE EXPIRED MEDICINE?
Okay, I know I’m going to sound insensitive, but if you know the medicine is expired why would you put it in your mouth? I’m not a doctor; I have no medical training. I know next to nothing about drug interactions or how long a drug is effective and I like it that way. I read the label, take it when I’m supposed to take it and don’t take it when I’m not supposed to take it. That little formula has served me well for over six decades. Somehow, in over six decades I have not once taken a medicine that had expired. Does that make me a genius or does it make me someone with the minimum amount of common sense?
What happens? You start growing mold on your chest and back! You start suffering from insomnia! You stop eating and grow too weak to pay your credit cards! In your now declining mental state you cheat on your taxes so you have enough money to buy new medicines and the IRS calls you in for an audit and then levies a penalty on your estate called The Stupid Tax, payable for the rest of your life.
I’M DISCOURAGED, DEPRESSED AND IN DENIAL
This can’t be happening! Our species was destined for greatness and now look at what we have become: computer zombies incapable of functioning in life without the help of Google! Albert Einstein must be rolling over in his grave right now! Maybe since I’m now depressed I should take some expired Valium? Maybe go on a hunger strike to cleanse my mind and body? I’ll let you know how it turns out for me.
One good thing has come out of this exercise: I never run out of things to write about. With seven billion people out there, many of whom have a computer, I feel safe in saying that my future as a writer looks very bright!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
For other Funny Google searches check out these past articles by billybuc: