How Do I Know If I Am Pregnant and Other Nonsense

It is high time I unleash my sense of humor. I mean, I can only do inspirational and uplifting so long and then it is time for the other half of my personality to break free of its chains and soar. Some of you have found me to be funny in the past; some of you, upon reading this, will decide I have no sense of humor at all. That’s okay by me; either way you will read it and I get credit for a visit so I win no matter what, right?

I was going to do a follow-up to my highly successful “How To” series (that was a joke) but upon researching the internet I found that the Top Five in that search had not changed. There are still idiots out there who don’t know how to tie a tie and more than enough degenerates who are looking for instructions on how to make chloroform. I found that very depressing and not funny at all so it’s time to broaden the search.

For today’s exercise I typed into the search engines the words “How Do I Know If” and turned them loose. The results did not disappoint me at all and I suspect you just might get a kick out of them.

So, without further delay, I give you the brand new, hot-off-the-press, “How Do I Know If” series.

HOW DO I KNOW IF MY WATER BROKE?

Are you laughing yet? I was and immediately! Okay, I’m just going to say it and be done with it. If there is a puddle on the floor beneath where you are standing that is a pretty good clue that either your water broke or you need to go potty more often. There, I feel better now that I got that off of my chest.

My God people! I’m not a woman ( I checked and I’m positive of that) and I’m pretty damn sure I would know when my water broke if I were a woman. How tough is that to figure out? Do these women ever go to the doctor for their pregnancy? Wouldn’t the doctor or nurse prepare them for this? Or how about their parents, or a birthing class or Dr. Phil or someone? I’m sure someone is going to write and tell me it isn’t that simple and you are entitled to your opinion but for my money it’s as simple as looking for that puddle.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM PREGNANT?

Okay, I understand that when you first discover that you are late that month that there would be doubt as to the reason. I get that; I really do! I didn’t just fall off the turnip cart and I do understand where this question comes from and why it is asked. What I don’t understand is not knowing how to find out if you are pregnant.

Even I know there are test kits sold everywhere in this country and in many other countries that will verify your pregnancy. There are also….wait for it….doctors who can answer this question. There are free clinics and parents and grandparents and the list is endless, so why would you have to go online to figure this out? Oh never mind; let’s move on to number three on our list. No, before we move on I'll give you the simplest answer I can: if one day you weigh 120 lbs and nine months later you weigh 180, you might be pregnant! Don't try to thank me!

HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE HERPES?

No, I’m not touching this one. If you want to make up your own jokes feel free, but daddy didn’t raise an idiot and I think we’ll just move on to number four.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE A YEAST INFECTION?

Nope, not going there either!

HOW DO I KNOW IF HE LIKES ME?

Now I have something to work with! Here is my read on this question: if you have asked any of the first four questions then chances are he likes you!

Okay, it’s confession time: when I was a teen I was about as clueless as they come. We had been separated in the 7^th grade, boys in one class and girls in the other; same thing in 8^th grade and then I went on from there to an all-boys high school. Needless to say I barely knew what a girl looked like by the time I hit high school and I sure did not know anything about dating or reading signs during dating. Unfortunately for me there was no internet back then so I couldn’t do a Google search to help me figure it out.

The first one was Janice when I was fifteen and it was painful to say the least. Here was the first clue that I missed: she was beautiful and I was a nerd. Any idiot could have figured that one out but oh no, I had to lay awake for forty nights in a row wondering if she liked me. Now please understand, we only went on one date and then she was always busy when I asked her for another date, but it took me forty nights to finally see the light. Emergency room doctors are not as busy as Janice was during that stretch, but still I kept asking myself that very same question….how do I know if she likes me? Sigh!

We need to move on or I’ll become depressed over a girl who dumped me after one date fifty years ago.

HOW DO I KNOW IF HE LOVES ME?

Maybe someone can help me out here? I realize the need to ask this question but I don’t understand thinking that the answer is anywhere on the internet! The people who are reading that question are the same people who can’t tie a tie and want to know how to make chloroform. Would you be asking advice on love from those people?

For the record, not once during those agonizing forty nights did I entertain this question.

What’s wrong with these people? You find out the same way all of us have over time, by trial and error and stubbing your toe and making a fool out of yourself. What other way is there? You go into it blindly and pray for the best and when it doesn’t work out you go into therapy at $100 per hour! Or as Larry the Cable Guy likes to say, just get out there and “get ‘er done!” Hell, pull the pedals off a cloverleaf like the rest of us had to do when we were kids. She loves me, she loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not. DAMN! Or rub the dandelion underneath your chin like we also did when we were kids and then walk around with a yellow stain on your face and everyone can laugh at you because they know you don’t have a clue if someone loves you!

Sheez, I should be charging for this advice. I could have a 900 number and charge by the minute and then I wouldn’t have to be sweating it out on the computer praying that some of you will read my inane ramblings. I also wouldn’t have painful memories of Janice and in turn I wouldn’t need therapy.

THAT’S A WRAP!

Well, not completely! I do have a few more questions to add to this list; call them suggestions for those who have actually searched the internet for any of the first five listed above. Are you ready?

1) How do I know if I am stupid?

2) How do I know if I will survive being this stupid?

3) How do I know if there is a cure for stupidity?

And while they are searching those I’ll do my own search for…..

How do I know if I am a writer?

2012 Bill Holland (aka billybuc)

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Make-Chloroform-And-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Tie-A-Tie-And-Other-Nonsense