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How Do I Know If I Am Pregnant and Other Nonsense
I don't make this stuff up
It is high time I unleash my sense of humor. I mean, I can only do inspirational and uplifting so long and then it is time for the other half of my personality to break free of its chains and soar. Some of you have found me to be funny in the past; some of you, upon reading this, will decide I have no sense of humor at all. That’s okay by me; either way you will read it and I get credit for a visit so I win no matter what, right?
I was going to do a follow-up to my highly successful “How To” series (that was a joke) but upon researching the internet I found that the Top Five in that search had not changed. There are still idiots out there who don’t know how to tie a tie and more than enough degenerates who are looking for instructions on how to make chloroform. I found that very depressing and not funny at all so it’s time to broaden the search.
For today’s exercise I typed into the search engines the words “How Do I Know If” and turned them loose. The results did not disappoint me at all and I suspect you just might get a kick out of them.
So, without further delay, I give you the brand new, hot-off-the-press, “How Do I Know If” series.
HOW DO I KNOW IF MY WATER BROKE?
Are you laughing yet? I was and immediately! Okay, I’m just going to say it and be done with it. If there is a puddle on the floor beneath where you are standing that is a pretty good clue that either your water broke or you need to go potty more often. There, I feel better now that I got that off of my chest.
My God people! I’m not a woman ( I checked and I’m positive of that) and I’m pretty damn sure I would know when my water broke if I were a woman. How tough is that to figure out? Do these women ever go to the doctor for their pregnancy? Wouldn’t the doctor or nurse prepare them for this? Or how about their parents, or a birthing class or Dr. Phil or someone? I’m sure someone is going to write and tell me it isn’t that simple and you are entitled to your opinion but for my money it’s as simple as looking for that puddle.
HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM PREGNANT?
Okay, I understand that when you first discover that you are late that month that there would be doubt as to the reason. I get that; I really do! I didn’t just fall off the turnip cart and I do understand where this question comes from and why it is asked. What I don’t understand is not knowing how to find out if you are pregnant.
Even I know there are test kits sold everywhere in this country and in many other countries that will verify your pregnancy. There are also….wait for it….doctors who can answer this question. There are free clinics and parents and grandparents and the list is endless, so why would you have to go online to figure this out? Oh never mind; let’s move on to number three on our list. No, before we move on I'll give you the simplest answer I can: if one day you weigh 120 lbs and nine months later you weigh 180, you might be pregnant! Don't try to thank me!
HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE HERPES?
No, I’m not touching this one. If you want to make up your own jokes feel free, but daddy didn’t raise an idiot and I think we’ll just move on to number four.
HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE A YEAST INFECTION?
Nope, not going there either!
HOW DO I KNOW IF HE LIKES ME?
Now I have something to work with! Here is my read on this question: if you have asked any of the first four questions then chances are he likes you!
Okay, it’s confession time: when I was a teen I was about as clueless as they come. We had been separated in the 7th grade, boys in one class and girls in the other; same thing in 8th grade and then I went on from there to an all-boys high school. Needless to say I barely knew what a girl looked like by the time I hit high school and I sure did not know anything about dating or reading signs during dating. Unfortunately for me there was no internet back then so I couldn’t do a Google search to help me figure it out.
The first one was Janice when I was fifteen and it was painful to say the least. Here was the first clue that I missed: she was beautiful and I was a nerd. Any idiot could have figured that one out but oh no, I had to lay awake for forty nights in a row wondering if she liked me. Now please understand, we only went on one date and then she was always busy when I asked her for another date, but it took me forty nights to finally see the light. Emergency room doctors are not as busy as Janice was during that stretch, but still I kept asking myself that very same question….how do I know if she likes me? Sigh!
We need to move on or I’ll become depressed over a girl who dumped me after one date fifty years ago.
HOW DO I KNOW IF HE LOVES ME?
Maybe someone can help me out here? I realize the need to ask this question but I don’t understand thinking that the answer is anywhere on the internet! The people who are reading that question are the same people who can’t tie a tie and want to know how to make chloroform. Would you be asking advice on love from those people?
For the record, not once during those agonizing forty nights did I entertain this question.
What’s wrong with these people? You find out the same way all of us have over time, by trial and error and stubbing your toe and making a fool out of yourself. What other way is there? You go into it blindly and pray for the best and when it doesn’t work out you go into therapy at $100 per hour! Or as Larry the Cable Guy likes to say, just get out there and “get ‘er done!” Hell, pull the pedals off a cloverleaf like the rest of us had to do when we were kids. She loves me, she loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not. DAMN! Or rub the dandelion underneath your chin like we also did when we were kids and then walk around with a yellow stain on your face and everyone can laugh at you because they know you don’t have a clue if someone loves you!
Sheez, I should be charging for this advice. I could have a 900 number and charge by the minute and then I wouldn’t have to be sweating it out on the computer praying that some of you will read my inane ramblings. I also wouldn’t have painful memories of Janice and in turn I wouldn’t need therapy.
THAT’S A WRAP!
Well, not completely! I do have a few more questions to add to this list; call them suggestions for those who have actually searched the internet for any of the first five listed above. Are you ready?
1) How do I know if I am stupid?
2) How do I know if I will survive being this stupid?
3) How do I know if there is a cure for stupidity?
And while they are searching those I’ll do my own search for…..
How do I know if I am a writer?
2012 Bill Holland (aka billybuc)
http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Make-Chloroform-And-Other-Nonsense
http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Tie-A-Tie-And-Other-Nonsense
Comments
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Efficient, thank you! I have great fun writing these and there is never an end to the material.
Hahahahaha this was very entertaining. You could be a comedian!
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Molly, it's true; this is cheap entertainment and it never ends. Thank you again for stopping by.
Billybuc, why spend money on movies and popcorn when Google can entertain you forever for free? Loved it!
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Ardie, I'm on it. I'll give you a byline as soon as I write it. :) Thank you my friend for always being so supportive.
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Audra, if I made you laugh then the hub has paid for itself. Thank you for the pimp and have a wonderful Sunday!
I appreciate the good laugh while I am at work. Seriously if someone has to ask "hey could I have herpes?" its probably safe to assume he or she does! I'm always amazed at the level of stupidity we can find if we know where to look ;) I want a How do I know when to... Hub next!
Bill, thank you for making me laugh this morning!!!
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NotSoPerfect, if I made you laugh then the hub was successful! Have a wonderful, laugh-filled weekend and thank you so much.
Truly unique hub. Very clever writing and it made me laugh! Good work, billybuc! Voting up, interesting and awesome. =)
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Eddy, that is a priceless story; perfect example of a mother's devotion to her child, even when she would like to kill the child at that moment. Thanks for sharing and as always thank you for taking the time to leave a meaningful comment. Have a wonderful evening and keep the light on for me...someday I will visit before I am old and feeble. :)
Brilliant my firend billy;classic and so very funny;take care and have a wonderful day.
I always remember a friend of mine many years ago being marched to the doctor many years ago by her mother;who had a very hot temper;and oh dear the unmentionable was diagnosed !!!
Her mother's face was thunderous;and her poor daughter who was petrified of her mother's temper spluttered claiming she had not 'slept'with anyone;the doctor of the old school type shouted at her with these words;
"Who do you think you are;Mary ??!!
At this point her mother turned on the doctor for talking to her dauhgter in this tone and marched out with her arm round her vowing to go back in and tear another strip out of the offending doctor.
I had clean forgotten this until I read you great hub.
An up up and away here!!!
Enjoy your day.
Eddy.
Eddy.
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Thank you Anne and I'm glad you stopped by. I will visit your site soon!
Beautifully done. Voted up and funny!
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Well thank you very much Gchicnotes...I appreciate you dropping by for a laugh or two.
Very entertaining and funny!
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Ruchira, I will indeed. I just finished one that just might be better than this one. I love to laugh and the internet continues to provide me with great material. Thank you as always!
haha...Bill I hereby declare that you have a good sense of humor and your idea for this hub wasFAN-tastic.
Keep it rocking, buddy!
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Susan, if I gave you a laugh then my work is done. Thank you for dropping by once again. I'm heading over to your site to repay the favor.
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Moonfairy, thank you! I just finished a new one entitled "How Do You Cheat"...I'll post it in a day or two and it promises to make you chuckle.
This was fun to read and funny! Thanks for brightening my day.
hmmmm. how do I know if I liked this hub????????????????????
because it made me laugh! thanks billybuc!!!
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Paula, thank you; it means a great deal to me to have no power! :)
Yes..you can be my VP...you have no power whatsoever, just like Biden.
Okay thanks so much billybuc, same here. Nice to meet you!
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Zzron, thank you and I'll be by shortly to visit your site and see what you are up to.
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Oh Paula, I do keep "them" busy flapping their jaws with opinions of my life. Good for them; that keeps them from doing anything important in their life and God, we wouldn't want that to happen! Can I be your Vice-President?
This was really cool, I feel the same way. Some people can be real ding-a-lings. I love your sense of humor, great article!
bill...you just made my day. All I have ever aspired to be in life is a "shoe-in" as chairwoman for Wise-Asses Anonymous. Sincere thanks! I don't care what they all say about you bill....I LIKE YOU!!!
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Sandra, with my looks, when I was younger, I had to be funny or I wouldn't survive. :) Thank you so much for your continued support!
Yes, billybuc, you do have a sense of humor, and for my part it's one of you better "inner figures." Keep it coming. Thanks for SHARING. Sandra Busby
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Eric, I had to tiptoe through this hub because I was afraid I would offend the one hubber out there who truly didn't know she was pregnant. Thankfully I managed not to hurt any feelings. Thanks for your support and I'll be by to visit you shortly.
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Paula, that would indeed be the only acceptable answer but I'm willing to bet they are in their teens at least. And if we ever get a group of wise-asses together you are a shoe-in to be the chairwoman. Thank you my friend!
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Jpelczar...hard screen name to type...I'm glad you enjoyed my nonsense and thank you!
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Cyndi, I might use that name...IGGI...I love it! Thanks buddy; glad I could make you laugh.
I'm starting to look forward to these hubs! My favorite line: "if you have asked any of the first four questions then chances are he likes you!"
I guess it's promising that more people are asking about their water breaking than finding out if they're pregnant. If they're asking the former that at least means they've figured out the latter.
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Lilleyth, that nerd you turned down was probably related to me. :) I'm sure he got over it and found someone....OR NOT! Thanks for stopping by!
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Kimberly, I appreciate you sharing this nonsense. I'm so grateful there are those out there who provide my funny material so I can keep on writing.
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Eyes, I love hearing a woman say she is infatuated with what I do; makes up for all those years I couldn't buy a date. Thank you so much and I'm glad you got a laugh or two.
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Mark, you story is funnier than mine. What a great line! I try not to use the word stupid but sometimes it's the only word that fits. Thank you my friend!
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Gemini, I have heard those stories too and as unbelievable as it seems I guess they are true. I'm glad you enjoyed my silliness.
bill....These questions cannot be read with a straight face...no way. Oh my...THE FUN A GROUP OF WISE-ASSES COULD HAVE TOGETHER, COMING UP WITH ANSWERS FOR THESE MORONS....you know I'd be right in there, throwing out zingers.
Seriously bill? There can be ONE acceptable reason anyone would need to ask these questions: They're all age 10 and under........Thanks for the laughter. UP++
Common sense is not so common! Very entertaining hub
Ha. Ha. Ha. You are a gem. I suppose if you could magically answer all those questions, you would be God. The Internet God. Yes, you could plug yourself was IG or even IGGI: Internet God for Google Idiots. :D
I voted "awesome". On the flip side of the coin, I still feel a bit sad, after 45 years, recalling the look on the nerd's face that had mustered up the nerve to ask me to the prom and I turned down...Knowing what I know now, I'd pick a nerd over the jock I eventually married and divorced anyday. Who knows, maybe Janice has come to her senses after all this time.
Very funny. Thanks for the laughs. Voted up and funny. Socially shared.
I have realized that I am completely infatuated with your writing! Yes, I typed that (but I didn't have to type "How Do I Know If I Am Infatuated With Someone's Writing" first!) here on HubPages for all to see. I love that you can be serious, funny, and sometimes both in one hub. I really do enjoy reading your work and sit patiently awaiting the next fix.
You made me laugh again Bill...Reminds me of the supposedly true story of the woman that called tech support because her computer had a blank screen. The tech guy went through 30 minutes or so of questions and the woman could not answer him. Finally, in desperation and possibly as a joke, he asked her if it was plugged in. Well when she asked if it needed to be plugged in he said, OK put the computer back in the box and send it back to the store. The woman asked why and he said, "Because you are too stupid to own a computer".
Thank you bill for another great hub!
Too funny! Love it!
BUT there was a news article not too long ago about a woman who suddenly had some pains one day, went into the bathroom and then, to her total surprise, delivered a baby! And she and her boyfriend both seemed believable when they said they didn't even know she was "preg".
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Vicki, it's a constant tug of war trying to decide which of my personalities to let loose....kind of like that book and movie Sybil. :) Thank you my friend; you are greatly appreciated.
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Justateacher, no worries, I'll be glad to do the work for you. It's great fun reading the results. Thank you so much for dropping by.
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Tammy, what would I do without you? I used to take those Facebook quizzes too until one day I decided I must be stupid if that's what I was spending my time doing. One popped up today inviting me to find out how I'm going to die...hard to believe I said no to that one. :) Thank you my dear!
So hilarious! You can be so serious and then so comical. I love this side of you. Well done hub. I would hit the refreshing and hilarious buttons if they existed, but, since they don't, I'll go with interesting, funny, awesome, and VOTE UP! Sharing, too! Way to go!
Another fun read...now the next time I have a free moment, I am going to google "How do I..." just to see the results! (Or just wait til you do another one of these and let you do all the work!)
This one is laugh out loud funny. I think if you are googling whether or not your are stupid you just answered your own question. Hilarious!!! This reminds me of when I joined Facebook. There were tons of quizes to take. I thought they were cute. I found out which Muppet I was, what my stipper name was. One day I was bored and took the quiz, "How to Know if You Are a Potato." When I got the results back and I was thrilled to learn I wasn't one, I told myself I really had to stop doing thes things. Great hub! Thanks for the giggles.
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Without humor I would find it hard to face any given day. Thanks for the shout out and I appreciate you taking the time to comment.
Nice to see there are still plenty of people who have made it into maturity (I count myself as one) and have managed to retain their sense of humour. Humour is the best weapon!
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Nell, your comment is funnier than my hub! I have heard kids say prego but never pregon??? I agree, the children to be don't have a prayer! Thanks for your great feedback!
Hi, hilarious! you certainly hit the proverbial nail on the head! I do webanswers, and I sit in front of the pc shaking my head muttering, oh God, oh you got to be kidding me, etc! its the way they spell the question that drives me mad, for example tonight, someone asked, am I pregon? What?!!! how the heck do I know? whats pregon? is it related to klingon?!! if she means pregnant then god help that poor child! haha!
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Annart, I think you hit on my problem. I was always picking the wrong petals off of the wrong plants. No wonder nobody wanted to date me. :) I just can't do anything right darn it! Thank you my friend; always nice to see you drop by and cheer me up.
No wonder it didn't work if you had pedals on your cloverleaf - or is that what they have in the US?! Sorry, that was cruel! Great laugh! You certainly don't need to ask how you know if you're a writer - just look at all these comments and those in the rest of your hubs and you have your answer. Another good one, billy. Up, funny & interesting.
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Irob, I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for visiting my site for a little laughter.
good fun
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Hi Tams, so nice to see you once again. I actually hesitated writing this one; on the others it was easy to poke fun because they were just weird searches, but the ones on this hub had a serious nature to them and I had to be careful what I said. I'm glad nobody was offended and understood I was just looking at the lighter side of life. Thank you for your continued support, even when I'm being goofy!
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Dexter, on any given day this is more my personality than the serious one that is portrayed in my inspirational hubs. I don't think you have to worry about me being a daily rival; I'll return to the comfort zone shortly. Thank you my friend for the kind words.
Beings PracticalMommy already addressed my secondary thoughts to your humor, I can laugh.
It is funny how people run to the internet to ask seemingly ridiculous questions.
One thing to remember though, while they are asking those questions there is room to make money on Hubpages as we continue to answer them. Perhaps that's the true craziness of it all. If you ask, someone has answered.
This is quite funny! I'm glad to see you take a walk on the lighter side of things for at least a minute. Well-done Bill.
Billybuc! You have just become a rival in the humor department. How dare you?! I want inspiration and uplifting words from you!!!
Of course, i am kidding as well. Another great one, sir! Hilarious indeed!
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Awww, thank you Turtlewoman...if I passed your scrutiny the sky is the limit from here on. I appreciate you dropping by and adding to the silliness.
Billybuc, you're right...after reading, I still don't think you're funny-HA!
Just kidding of course...I had a good chuckle even before I read the article. I did a double take on the title and author. "Did Billy just wrote a hub on pregnancy?!!" I agree, some of the questions are ridiculous.
Thanks for the laugh. Voted up and...sure why not, 'funny'!:-D
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Practical, your points are well taken. I have heard stories of women who gave birth and had no idea they were pregnant so there is no doubt that there is a need to education. Thank you for those comments and for visiting my site. I'm glad you enjoyed the hub!
Funny stuff! I do have to address two of the first questions, though. It's a myth that when a woman's water breaks, it automatically puddles onto the floor like it does in the movies. This only happens very few times to few women. In fact, the water may only come out in a small, continuous trickle (okay, gross, I know!), which is why some women question whether or not the bag of waters has broken. Of course, if they go to a birthing/labor class or read a book, they would learn this...
The second question is asked by women who panic in the first few hours/days/weeks after having intercourse. These are women (mostly young women) who do not understand the mechanics of getting pregnant (hence my hub about when to take a home pregnancy test, lol). They think that by asking the question someone online can magically wave a wand and determine whether or not they're pregnant. Sad, isn't it? As many of us on WebAnswers answer, a woman wouldn't know if she was pregnant until she a. missed a period, b. took an hpt, or c. visited a doctor. But that answer isn't widely accepted because these women want to know NOW! ;)
Love these hubs! Keep them coming!
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Jeannie, I never know whether to laugh or cry; then I start to think that I am being put on by some jokester our there...then I realize no, people really are that clueless. Sigh! We may as well laugh at it. Thanks my dear and I'm glad you had fun with it.
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Natasha, I do the same thing; it's become part of my day, to see what kind of weird question I can ask...I rarely ask one that hasn't been asked before which is amazing. I'm glad you enjoyed my silliness!
Actually (not just in a fake, instant message way) laugh out loud funny. It is amazing how many stupid questions people ask the Internet. Sometimes I just type in dumb questions to see how many people have actually a) looked for that question and b) answered it! Voted funny and up.
Another awesome hub! People search for the craziest stuff. I write for WebAnswers and the most popular questions are always, "How do I know who is the father of my baby?" Apparently, there are a lot of women out there having sex with a number of different guys in the same week. Actually, a scary amount of women are asking this question. Sigh. Sometimes I just wonder what is going on out there! Voted up and awesome!
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No, Dana, thank you for the laugh. You did indeed go there and had me laughing immediately. I admit to being clueless most of my life about dating and such...luckily I found someone who just cut through the bull and told me straight out or I'd still be roaming the streets with a dazed look on my face. Thank you once again for taking the time to comment and for the laughter.
Bill, it's always great to read these hubs from your lighter side. Well done! I admit, I never could tell when a guy liked me, leading me to unintentionally break a few hearts. Sorry guys! BUt that is part of growing up. And we eventually get it right. Right? I can't help but wonder how many less that intelligent people are out there searching the internet for clues about if he/she likes/loves them because they jumped into the sack a little too soon and are now putting on a few pounds and craving pickles or feeling an unusual itchy/burning sensation (yes, i went there). Perhaps instead of a computer these folks need to get themselves an education and some social skills! Thanks for the laugh!
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Thank you my dear! There are days when laughter is the only thing that can get us through it...that and love of course. I hope it isn't rainy and dreary there like it is here. My best to you as always!
Hilarious, you done good. I like these hubs, laughing is what makes everything else work, keep it up!
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