Unboxing on YouTube

We have determined, from unbiased empirical double-blind research, that the three most popular activities on the Internet are

• Reading compositions by Mark Ewbie,
• Writing comments on compositions by Mark Ewbie, and
• Watching unboxing videos on YouTube.

The first two activities are self-explanatory and self-perpetuating in a symbiotic biologically evolutionary sort of way. These pastimes require no exposition and we propose to provide none here.

The third activity confounds us mightily. We wish to understand the subtle attraction behind watching strangers take stuff out of boxes. We yearn to grasp the yin and yang of spending time observing disembodied hands belonging to anonymous narrators as those hands release retail products from plastic and cardboard prisons. Surely the surfeit of sentient humans who observe these digital recordings know something that we do not. Obviously these audience members possess keen insight into the nuances of blister packs and packing tape. Whatever it is, we want a piece of it. We yearn to be part of the army of web surfers who learn about love, life, and paper cuts by watching someone else tear open something they brought home from Target.

You may differ with us when we assert that the Bakugan Maxus Dragonoid represents the most desirable of the Bakugan Dragonoids. Other Bakugan Dragonoids have also achieved immense popularity: on that point we can all agree. On the other hand, watching two hands unbox a Bakugan Maxus Dragonoid evidently confers a great sense of entertainment into the faces of Internet aficionados. This video has been viewed over 400 thousand times. Forgive our capricious use of italics, but words fails us at this juncture. We find ourselves reduced to subtle font tricks in order to make our points.

Four hundred thousand people have watched a human being take a toy out of a box.

Yes, it's exciting compared to the NBC Tuesday night lineup, but ... but ... but... words fail us again. Sorry.

Cell phones offer a veritable plethora of functionality. Consumers have capabilities unimagined as little as 100 years ago. The average phone includes a camera, a GPS, some Lady GaGa wallpaper and buttons to push to make calls to other similarly equipped devices.

The uninformed and over-anxious among us may be tempted to bring home our new phone only to huddle over the kitchen table as we unbox it. We may find ourselves ripping apart highly engineered packaging without any witnesses. If a torn-asunder cardboard box falls on the floor and no one is around, does it make a sound? We think not.

Some purchasers may be so naive as to allow the sales clerk to unbox their new phone. They leave the phone store with a snazzy tote bag, but inside that bag is a mish-mosh of disorganized phone products and packing materials. The high-tech origami designed by industrial engineers in China has been corrupted beyond repair. We can only regard those folks with pity: they will never know the thrill of separating electronics from recyclables.

Modern warfare comes in a box and that box must be opened. Not everyone can own a copy of Modern Warfare 2 Prestige Edition because, well some of us prefer to go outside and play, but all of us can indeed watch someone else open the box and take the stuff in the box out of the box.

In fact, over 4 million of us have already watched this momentous event unfold in front of our eyes. This is almost as many people who think that the president might not have been born, or something like that.

Our intrepid videographer takes us on a journey of joy, betrayal, and redemption as he deconstructs the packaging of Modern Warfare 2 Prestige Edition. He spends over one minute of the four minute presentation minutely examining the box before even attempting to free his new possession from its' cardboard suitcase. He treats us to a verbal treatise encompassing heretofore unconsidered cardboard enhancements. He really likes the box.

Finally, when we simply cannot stand the tension, he gently coaxes open the box. His sense of timing surpasses Spielberg and Hitchcock. Don't miss the part where he yanks out the little toys that came with the DVD: that's a classic scene.

Buy a video camera and record yourself unboxing stuff. Put the videos on YouTube, because you can.

It would be awesome to record yourself unboxing your video camera: that'd be an unexpected thrill ride of a multi-dimensional journey into recursive universes guaranteed to amaze and entertain both young and old. No doubt about that.