Extreme Hub Makeover

Editor's Note: Before we get started, let me say how surprised I am to have landed this URL. I'd bet a week's AdSense income that Stan Fletcher would have long ago nailed down this topic. Perhaps he already has: there's probably a better HubTitle for it anyway.

Our Hub Makeovers are Extreme

Pop culture teems with makeover efforts. Virtually every cable TV channel except CSPAN offers nightly accounts of unfortunate everyday common average folks who just need a helping hand with too much junk, not enough furniture, lack of a house, excessive insect infestation, over-enthusiastic calorie consumption, fear of foreclosure, and crippling halitosis.

What about you? Do your hubs need a makeover? Does your writing draw flies, which suffer a lifespan of only about 25 days, leaving you stuck with finding an entirely new audience virtually every month?

Everything We Do Is Extrrreme

We are so extreme that we invented a new spelling of the word. "Extrrreme" is our buzzword, our way of life, our nom de plume, and oddly enough the name we used to register with the IRS.

Our Extrrreme hub makeovers will pump up your traffic.

How Does Our Extrrreme Hub Makeover Actually Work?

You may ask yourself "How in the world does Nicomp perform Extrrreme Hub Makeover magic?"

Good question. Unfortunately, if I told you now, you'd stop reading and never get to the Tiny Belly solicitations scattered about the page.

Is The Extrrreme Hub Makeover Right For You?

Before we tell you how our system works, ask yourself these questions:

  • Do I want more HubTraffic?
  • Is my writing being HubIgnored by Google?
  • Why do we insist on making up new words that start with "Hub" ?

If you answered 'yes' or 'I don't know' or 'What happened to my real life?' to any of these questions, then an Extrrreme HubPages makeover may be right for you.

Can you afford an Extrrreme Hub Makeover?

A better question might be 'can you not afford to pass up taking part in skipping the chance to avoid an Extrrreme Hub Makeover?'

This is a better question because it's nearly impossible to decipher, yet legally binding. I think I lifted it from Microsoft's Software License Agreement, but I did have to translate it from the original Latin.

Enough Pretense, How Does An Extrrreme Hub Makeover Actually Work?

Our specially trained HubEngineers stand by 24 hours a day to process your hubs. We have staffed huge office blocks with highly skilled Englishologists, Grammarians, AdSense PhDs, and people who can do edge detection in PhotoShop.

We form a 6 Sigma Tiger Team to reconfigure your least extreme hubs and turn them into Extremely Extrrreme hubs that are unconditionally guaranteed to consist of letters and numbers. You have almost nothing to lose except your affiliate codes, which we are almost certain that Google will give back to you after they grasp the extreme nature of your writing. You may also lose your Driver's License if you live in Rhode Island, but you could always move to Delaware and ride the train with Joe Biden.

What Extrrreme Strategies Are Available?

  • Swap every other word: this creates extreme content that is guaranteed to be extremely popular in Nigeria. For whatever reason, they eat it up.
  • Put the prefix 'hub' on all nouns: we have seen SEO rankings skyrocket into the top 1000 when this strategy is properly applied because every self-respecting search engine knows that HubPages is authoritative.
  • Reconfigure capsule content: HubScientists (sorry, that is the last time) agree that the optimal capsule configuration is 5 words in all upper case followed by a 24-bit jpeg in 1024 X 768 resolution. We repeat that pattern for at least 500 cycles. Obviously, most hub authors do not include a sufficient number of images in their hubs to make this algorithm feasible. To that end, we "adapt" supplemental images from GettyImages.com by shifting each pixel one place to the left and convolving with a 5X5 Wiener filter matrix until we're mostly certain that copyright laws no longer apply. All the images are guaranteed to resemble something to someone.

What Are You Waiting For?

Sign up today for my Extrrreme Hub Makeover program. Let me make your hubs the best they can be.

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Comments 13 comments

Tom Whitworth profile image

Tom Whitworth 6 years ago from Moundsville, WV

nicomp,

Sign me up if it's free!!!!!!!!!!!!


sheila b. profile image

sheila b. 6 years ago

First I'd like my desk tidied up. Can we start with that?


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

Wow.... Some of my Hubs would really be livened up if I used Hub in front of every noun. Hmmm, do I even have any nouns in my Hubs? And you really have 5x5 wieners??? Wow, wanna work on mine? I'd give up one or two for your consideration, see what happens... I'm game.


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Where do I send my money?


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Tom Whitworth : It's free and you get what you pay for...

@sheila b. : Desks aren't extrrreme enough...

@Sweetsusieg : Let us know how that works for your hubs...

@drbj: Transfer the money to my bank account in Nigeria.


Pcunix profile image

Pcunix 6 years ago from SE MA

After doing some HubHopping, it appears to me that you have sold some of these makeovers already.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Pcunix: That's a complement, yes?


EllenGraeger profile image

EllenGraeger 6 years ago from Madrid

An extrrremely witty and useful hub. I'll sign, when do we start ?


daskittlez69 profile image

daskittlez69 5 years ago from midwest

Sure sign me up


goVince profile image

goVince 4 years ago from NYC

Hi! I'm new to HubPages and at the moment just getting a feel for things. I am looking to break into writing as a profession but my inexperience lends its way to doubt and I haven't really had many critics. I've posted a few "creative" writing pieces, so if you guys wouldn't mind taking the time to check them out and to lend some words, harsh or otherwise, it would be much appreciated!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@goVince Welcome to HP, but no one reads this hub. ;)


goVince profile image

goVince 4 years ago from NYC

Touche, nicomp, touche. :)


ocoy profile image

ocoy 3 years ago from Cedar Crest, New Mexico

If you could add some random meeping and glibbering to the text it might improve our hubs, if tastefully done. (Are you a Lovecraft fan? Then you might catch the eldritch references.)

Your thoughts would be appreciated, though.

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