Three parts of one story

1. 0

   ThomasRydderposted 12 years ago

   Hi...I actually wrote the first of these a couple weeks ago....I've received praise on each of them (save the last installment, which is brand new), but I need objective criticism. I'm a little interested in observations on the way I set the hubs up, but more on the actually story. The links for the 3 parts are below...Thanks for your assistance! :)TR
   
   http://thomasrydder.hubpages.com/hub/Tr … rt-Fiction
   
   http://thomasrydder.hubpages.com/hub/Tr … rt-Fiction
   
   http://thomasrydder.hubpages.com/hub/Tr … rt-Fiction

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2. 90

   RedElfposted 12 years ago

   I've read your stories, and enjoyed them very much. There are some things you need to work on though...
   
   You need to break down your writing into smaller paragraphs for ease of reading. The general rule is each new idea starts a new paragraph.
   
   Also, in writing dialogue, the rule is "new speaker, new paragraph" - even if that gives you one sentence paragraphs.
   
   When you use a "dash" to separate words, you need to leave a space before and after the dash. Otherwise it looks like a hyphenated word.
   
   Your use of language is colorful and descriptive, but a bit off in a couple of spots. "Carnage" is a word used (usually) to describe scenes of horrific and bloody death.
   Definition of CARNAGE
   great and usually bloody slaughter or injury (as in battle)
   Examples of CARNAGE
   "Reporters described the highway accident as a scene of carnage."
   "The appalling carnage in that war-torn country requires that the outside world intervene."
   Synonyms: bloodbath, butchery, massacre, death, holocaust, slaughter
   
   I understand your use of it as an exaggeration, which is fun and perfectly OK, but "carnage" cannot be strewn about a room. Debris or rubbish or some kind of items can be strewn about a room. That sentence should end after the word "carnage."
   
   If you are ever unsure you're using a word correctly, substitute a synonym for it, and if the sentence makes sense, then you have probably used the word correctly. If it doesn't make sense, then you should consider using a different word.
   
   You have an interesting plot, and your writing flows well. I think a few simple changes and corrections will make your story much easier to read and lift your writing to the next level.
   
   Hope this is helpful. "D

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