Bachelor Brad Second Chance ep 2: The Dating Begins

The dates began this week and some psychological issues among the bunch began to bubble to the surface.  When Ashley H received a date card, Ashley S sharpened her claws.  It’s a little early to be boiling over with jealousy, dontcha think?

…and then there’s Melissa, who incessantly repeated that she gave up “everything” to be there, including quitting her job.  She’s a waitress.  Let’s be real.  Does she not realize there are plenty of ladies there who are away from their children?  It’s called perspective, you fruit basket--you should get some.  She also mentioned that she’s been preparing for this show for 8 years.  She does realize this isn’t the Olympics, right?  Clearly, she isn’t a very good waitress if it took her that long to save the money to buy 6 dresses from Forever 21. 

But I digress, so Ashley H went on a date with Brad to an abandoned carnival in the middle of the woods--complete with a raccoon in a tree.  They were excited to have the place to themselves, but it seemed a little too Zombieland for my taste—I was waiting for the undead to appear at any moment.  Instead, Ashley attacked Brad’s face like some kind of 14-year old just released from a 2-week grounding sentence (I’m so over prison metaphors). 

While they enjoyed the classy combination of cotton candy and wine, Brad and Ashley bonded over absentee dads.  See?  I told you his back-story wasn’t original!  It got me thinking, what if their dads are actually the same dude living a double life and they’re really brother and sister?  It could happen…according to Lifetime movies. 

In case you missed it, the group date happened fall on Michelle’s 30^th birthday.  She mentioned it once or twice…or 10 MILLION times!  She celebrated the milestone by going on a date with her non-boyfriend and 14 of her closest enemies—oh yeah, and her humongo earrings (those things were like satellites hanging from her earlobes).

The traveling polygamists supported the Red Cross by making PSAs encouraging people to donate blood.  A worthy cause, but is it really a good idea to bring a vampire (ahem, Madison) to a blood bank?  For some reason, supporting this worthy charity involved wearing the most nonsensical costumes ever.  Keltie was a broken butch truck driver/lesbian, Madison was a cat woman dominatrix, and one of the other brunettes (they’re all the same at this stage in the game) was pregnant.  I’m sure that made someone want to donate blood…somewhere.

Most of the PSAs involved kissing scenes, which the girls messed up intentionally to get additional takes.  Understandable.  When Melissa felt like she wasn’t being included, she jumped into someone else’s scene and mauled Brad’s face.  Everybody loved that.

Britt is a cute little self-proclaimed prude, who channeled her inner jaguar and attacked Brad during her scene.  They proceeded to make out forever in front of the 14 other drooling womens.  This inspired Michelle to run off dramatically, just so Brad would chase her.  As Kimberley pointed out, “it’s her birthday, and she’ll cry if she wants to.”  I can’t even describe the strange hand motion that Michelle created to illustrate the fireworks that will go off when she and Brad lock lips someday.  Later, Michelle used her one-on-one time to quiz Brad on his over-priced coffee preferences.  Freak central.  I guess her high maintenance act does it for Brad because she got the date rose.

Brad told Jackie she was about to have her own “Pretty Woman experience” at the beginning of their date.  Does he realize Julia Roberts was a hooker in that movie?  Jackie got to choose from a room full of dresses in her size.  Is that how they chose who went on the date—they had a surplus of size 2?

Jackie was treated to the happens-every-season date at the Hollywood Bowl.  This time, they were serenaded by Train.  She used the word “perfect” in every other sentence, but beyond that, they didn’t seem to have an earth-shattering connection.  Jackie revealed that she didn’t have a boyfriend in college, which freaked Brad out because that somehow reminded him of how he was 3 years ago.  I find it interesting that someone so picky about the men she dates would sign up for a reality show that involves courting a complete stranger.  Hmmmm.

Melissa and Raichel were engaged in a Battle Royale the entire episode.  Melissa kept repeating that she’s 32 and Raichel is 21.  My opinion, neither one of them looks good for her age.  Clueless Brad was thinking the cocktail party was going smoothly, until Melissa ran to him in tears and played the victim card like all the girls were out to get her (paranoid much?).  In between talking smack about Raichel, Melissa pointed out her own bad breath.  She’s one smooth criminal!

Ali & Roberto showed up to help Brad sift through the 20 remaining hopefuls.  They didn’t show very much of their interviews because of the Melissa/Raichel smackdown.  It didn’t really make that much sense that they were there to help.  Usually it’s someone who actually knows the bachelor (I think it was his brother the first time).  The result was Emily was chosen as their pick for most sincere.  No shocker here. Emily is kinda like the girl-next-door meets Holly from The Girls Next Door .    

Keltie threw her own pity party after being eliminated.  She called this her “last ditch effort at love,” and I can’t think of anything sadder than your last attempt to snag a man involving national humiliation.  She also mentioned that “if they gave away an Oscar for being bad at dating, I’d get it,” which doesn’t make sense, if ya think about it.  My advice:  the less desperation you show, the more dudes will like you.  But what do I know?

Melissa continued to whine about being “targeted” by the other ladies.  I think she meant the people living in her head.  Raichel at least mentioned being there for love.  She was too young anyway, but she basically got the kick because of Melissa.  Boys and girls, that’s why we cross the street when a psycho is walking in our direction! 

Emily

Ashley S

Ashley H

“He’s perfect.  I love his suit.  I love his face.”—Some Brunette

“What are you saying?”—Brad to Michelle after she accused him of having walls up

“She’s such an energy suck”--Melissa

Ashley H

Michelle

Jackie

Emily

Chantal

Sara

Alli

Kimberley

Shawntel

Stacey

Ashley S

Madison

Lisa

Marissa

Meghan

Lindsay

Britt