How to Anger Your Entire Family This Christmas

Maybe you aren't interested in having a merry Christmas this year. Perhaps you are bored with all the standard dinners and polite conversations you'll be having with your family members this holiday season. You are a rebel. You want to spice it up this Christmas. Instead of spreading joy, you want to anger each member of your family. Well, do I have some advice for you!

Naturally, you don't want to completely ruin the holiday season for anyone. It would be a real bummer to totally destroy Christmas. However, it can be a little fun to annoy the crap out of your family once they start getting on your nerves. Some folks are going to be easy to anger; other family members will take a little bit of work. If you listen to some of my suggestions below, surely you will be angering anyone and everyone in no time. Merry Christmas!

1. Announce to your family you are having a Dollar Store Christmas this year. Make sure to purchase one dollar store gift for each person. The weirder the better... of course Grandpa always wanted a pink oven mitt and your 5 year old nephew is totally going to be thrilled with a car air freshener.
2. If you are sick this Christmas or can fake an illness, make sure to hug and kiss everyone first, but then tell them you are ill. If possible, cough and sneeze as much as you can during Christmas dinner.
3. Make sure to spend more money on your pets than anyone else this year. When family members arrive at your home, point out the giant cat tree you purchased for Miffy and Biffy that was $300 at Petsmart. Then hand out your dollar store presents to family members.
4. When your mother announces Aunt Hilda is coming to Christmas dinner, ask her, "Wait, is she still alive? I thought she died 5 years ago?"
5. Instead of putting the Christmas presents under the tree this year, make the kids work for them as if it is an Easter Egg Hunt. Hide the gifts all over the house and say annoying things like, "You are getting warmer..." or "No, I can't give you a hint..." or "It is a shame you can't find the best gift I hid. Guess you won't get it."
6. Hand make all of your gifts this year, but without much thought or talent. Use masking tape to put pine cones on Christmas cards; duct tape some fringe on an old scarf to give as a gift.
7. When everyone starts arriving at your home for Christmas dinner, exclaim, "Hey, no one told me this was going to be an Ugly Sweater Party! Oh, it's not an Ugly Sweater Party... I guess you guys just dress that way."
8. Make sure to wear antlers on your head with a jingle bell necklace to every single Christmas event you attend this holiday season. Jump around and jingle as much as humanly possible. If you can find one of those red blinking noses to wear, insist everyone call you Rudolph.
9. If you do not have children, make sure to give the loudest, most obnoxious toys to all your nieces, nephews, and little cousins. Just don't bother to give batteries to the children for the toys until they are walking out the door with their parents.
10. When entertaining guests this holiday season, start charging everyone $1 to use your bathroom. Make sure to put a padded lock on the door and only unlock it when you get the cash in your hand. Tell everyone you do not accept checks either. This is also an excellent way to make sure no one wears at their welcome in your home.
11. Bake a lot of delicious Christmas cookies, gingerbread, brownies, cakes, etc. Then eat it in front of all your holiday guests and don't offer them any of it.
12. Knock over Christmas trees wherever you go. If you can manage to knock over the giant tree at the mall, even better. Just don't tell anyone I told you to do it. You can go to jail by yourself.

Merry Christmas!!!

Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle