What Would You Do....?

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   Frugal Fannyposted 14 years ago

   I wasn't sure where to put this, but figured the friendship category was the best fit.
   
   My partner and I have a 4 month old daughter, and we both are currently off work.  I'm off because of maternity leave, and he is off on extended sick leave. We live in a 3 bed apartment, which we share with a roommate.
   
   This arrangement started while I was still pregnant, and the deal was that he would pay 1/3 rent, 1/3 of the bills, and contribute to the groceries, as well as do his share of the cleaning.  I said if he did this, I'd be happy to include him in our dinner meals, since he doesn't have a very big repertoire of meals that he can cook. Fair, am I right?
   
   Now, this fellow is currently the only one of us workingeven though we all have income.  He works 4 nights a week.
   
   I learned early that he can barely be bothered to let me know when he is going to be home for dinner.  Consequently, I'd make enough food for him as well, and it would often go to waste.  I got annoyed, so I told him to let me know in advance whether or not I should defrost enough meat for him to have dinner with us.  His idea of "in advance" was half an hour or so, which did not work for us.
   
   He got more and more lazy with his share of the chores, he would do stupid things like leave water on the floor of the bathroom right next to the unfinished wood trim, and he never contributed to groceries more than a loaf of bread or jug of milk here and there.
   
   Well, we got pissed off, and wrote him a "do it or else" letter that also stated he was to buy and eat only his own food from now on and, if he didn't like our rules he could move out.  He cried when we laid it all out for him. 
   
   Now, he buys his own food, and he does his own dishes and takes out the trash (his contribution to the cleaning.  Big effort there).  The atmosphere is tense, to say the least.  We want him gone, but we are concerned for his welfare because... well, frankly, he doesn't appear to be concerned about himself enough.
   
   Also... we don't want another roomie, but we aren't sure if we can float the rent and bills by ourselves, and still give the lil one all that she needs.
   
   What would you guys do?

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      tanya craneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I read the whole article. The story is quite interesting but feel bad that you have a unstable worker. May be he wants some thing more from you. Please try to convince and him by asking what exactly he needs else do as per your wish. There is a fashion woman shop here www innanyc com. Have a look.

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         Frugal Fannyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Umm...thanks for the reply, but I'm not sure how this relates.  He is not a worker of mine, he is my roommate.  I've tried a few times to get him to pull his weight, but it's only worked for a little while and then he's gone back to his old habits.
         
         As for the fashion shop...... what does that have to do with it?
         
         No offense meant, just wondering.

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            Bovine Currencyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            just show him the door. done.  Get a boarder if you need one.

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      Krystal Blueposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I would do what you are doing.
      I wouldn't buy him groceries, and my groceries would be strictly off limits for him. Make sure he pays his part of the bills and cleans up after himself. You gotta think... you have another baby coming, you will need that extra money. However, if it still doesn't work out, you still must think of your family and yourself. Can you handle the stress this causing? Is it worth it?
      
      Much luck to you and congrats on new baby on the way!

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         Frugal Fannyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you, but I am actually not pregnant again.  I'm still on maternity leave from the last child.

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   3. 0

      shazwellynposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Oh dear, the rot got set in when you gave him the note.  I think the damage is done.  Have you thought about councilling him?  Im not taking his side, but there are two of you and only one of him.  He might feel a bit outnumbered.  The old saying is twos company, three is a crowd.  I can imagine that he is feeling as tense as you guys.  Sharing always leads to difficulties and you have to understand that you are at home all day, so your perception is hightened - im not saying you are wrong though, just you all are victims of circumstance.  He must also be feeling that his days are numbered, so I recon he wouldnt be feeling secure.
      
      I think he is suffering from depression too.  If he isnt looking after himself.  You all need to talk over a drink and try and build good relations again.
      
      I also think that it is difficult with a baby.  Are you tired?  Maybe you are feeling a bit baby blues too?
      
      I hope this helps.  This message is sent without offence and with love x

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      cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      how long is your maternity leave? how long is your husband's extended sick leave? is there someone you can borrow money from until you guys can go back to work?
      
      is this man a relative or just a friend?
      
      if he is not a relative, he needs to get booted NOW, if for nothing else, the sake of your baby. this guy has obviously got issues - issues which have no business being put onto you or your family.

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         Frugal Fannyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I am on maternity leave until May, and my man is off on sick leave until the doc says it's ok to go back.. however long that is.  We don't have anyone to borrow from, as our friends and family are as broke as we are, and we already owe them money.  We just have to budget to see where our finances lie, and try to find ways to get extra money.  It will work itself out.

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   Leelinposted 14 years ago

   I wouldn't put up with him. He sounds a little unstable which could be a concern. I just feel if you're going to live that closely with someone you just have to get along well! Boot him and write another hundred or two good money-making hubs to cover your increased monetary obligations.

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   Ghost32posted 14 years ago

   Been there, done that.  Sounds like he's worn out his welcome and then some.  Gotta take care of your own camp first, and by this I mean you, your partner, and your child.  My (still a friend) ex and I had a similar situation years back...with her dysfunctional alcoholic gay adult son. 
   
   Boxed his clothes, stuck 'em in the driveway, locked him out, gave him 48 hours to pick up his stuff before it hit the dumpster.
   
   Who needs Dr. Phil?

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      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Ditto

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      Leelinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      No doubt, just don't get your boot stuck when you kick his behind!lol

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   Jean N Deanposted 14 years ago

   Been in this situation a number of times. First off I have to say, two families can not live together!! If I were you I would sit him down and explain to him that your family HAS to come first and then tell him he should consider finding another place to room. Be nice of course, but be solid! Let him know that it just isn't working and it could cause a lot more damage (to your friendship as well as you and your spouses relationship) if he does stay and you would rather part as friends with no hard feelings. Like I said show compassion but be sure he reads the message loud and clear!! Good Luck!!

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   wyanjenposted 14 years ago

   "We want him gone, but we are concerned for his welfare because... well, frankly, he doesn't appear to be concerned about himself enough." (quote)
   
   This line struck me. You are a caring person. His welfare will not improve in this environment, so you can't use that reasoning to justify keeping him.
   
   What I mean is, by keeping him on you are helping him. But by helping him, you are preventing him from moving on and learning to care for himself.
   
   With a little one in the home, the tension is bad. It may erupt, or it may simply drag everybody down.
   
   Time for hard tacks. Financially justify it and end the arrangement. You can handle things without him. Or, find a new way to accommodate your budget.
   Good luck.

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   Scott.Lifeposted 14 years ago

   There is a way out of this situation and its called the door. Be honest with yourself and this person and tell them you are no longer comfortable with the arrangement, and you would like him to leave. Honestly the intentions may have been good but outside of family there's no real good justification for a single man to be living with a couple and a kid. Yet I see this often in my area and I also see the court cases that come from it. Do yourself a favor tell him to leave. Honesty is the word here, am I being clear?

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      Frugal Fannyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Yup.  I want him to go, but before he does, we have to make sure we can cover the rent and bills.  We either do that here, or we apply to a housing co-op and find a way to move into a larger place at the same cost or less.

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         Scott.Lifeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Whatever it takes, there's no reason to be uncomfortable in your own home. That is your refuge and safe haven from the world.

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            Ghost32posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Like Scott said.

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      Leelinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      What Scott said!

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   Bovine Currencyposted 14 years ago

   the sooner you deal with it the better.  i had a situation like this when i was living with my ex.  she owned the house and wouldnt kick him out, i eventually did it myself and it was not pretty.

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   prettydarkhorseposted 14 years ago

   always think about you and your family first, if his behavior is affecting that then tell him his options, to leave or be counted

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   pgrundyposted 14 years ago

   I would bet money that he will be gone within a month of his own accord. If he isn't, then you should go. You mentioned moving to a subsidized co=op as a more affordable option. Apply now, and if he isn't gone by 2010, you and partner and baby move out.
   
   You have a kid now. Roomies are no longer a good option.

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    Frugal Fannyposted 14 years ago

    Just as an update, my partner and I have put ourselves on the waiting lists of several housing co-ops, and also on the BC Housing list (they deal with low income rental housing for families).  We made it plain to the roomie that we intended to move out into a house sooner rather than later, and that he is not welcome to come with us.  He took that with some annoyance, and is making more of a pest of himself.  But, since neither of us can afford to just leave and forfeit our deposit here, we all are waiting until someone calls us about a house. Til then, we grit our teeth and try not to kill him.

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