Artist In Search of His Art

As artists, we gloriously embrace each day with a renewed sense of vigor, vitality and creative ingenuity. We dance on the ceilings; jump through ocean size hoops of wildly inflamed doors. We grow sensually younger by the moment as we engage our deeply repressed talent in the course of the hour doing what we are so passionately driven to do.

We shout with unending fervor in joy unsurpassed as we allow the sacred sublime sexual creative instinct move us into worlds of unimaginable "yet to be expressed" splendor. On the blank canvas does the abyss of our lives empty itself in a radical transformed spectrum.

Up until this particular point in your life, you have been able to maintain an agreeable façade of “acceptance” with the status quo. [At work and in your present relationships] But recently, things have begun to shift. A certain obvious restlessness has entered your body without your being aware of where it came from. {Even IF you could pin-point its origin, you’d be wrong.}

An anxious unsettledness has developed in your gut; one, you simply can’t explain.

You’ve begun to question things you’ve always taken for granted. People’s remarks bother you more than they ever have while certain facial expressions don’t seem to mesh. A certain ill-defined tension fills the air, almost as if you have to be extra nice to fill in the ‘gaps’ in the conversations. When you try to bring up the “let’s don’t mention it” subject, no one seems to know what you are talking about. But, you do.

You’ve noticed yourself being less patient and tolerant of things that never bothered you before. Something’s definitely going on. You feel instinctively that “something just aint right”. What you don’t know, exactly yet, is how and what to do about it. You realize you’re not going to settle for how things have always been. “It’s just a matter of time”, you hear yourself saying without fully realizing what you are referring to.

An unambiguous change is taking place deep within, moving its way to the surface.

You’re not so numbed by indifference that you don’t realize what’s happening. No mistaking the uneasy sensation. An unbridled restless spirit is demanding some sort of action. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you want to see what’s behind the curtain, if anything.

As that curtain of ‘supposed reality’ is drawn back further to reveal the inward state of your gnawing concern/unrest, so shall you be able to see ever more clearly those things that seemingly hurt (confuse) but never injure (delay).

You are subconsciously imbued with a grand design, so implicit that you have never stopped for even one second to realize that when you were trying to adapt yourself to someone else’s standards, ideas, and thoughts of how you should conduct your life, you were ‘throwing’ your essence to the wind. [Now, you must collect yourself.]

Little did you know that the same wind you so indiscriminately threw the pieces of yourself away into would blow back to you those sacred things which make you who you are when you were ready to receive. You are ready.

Slowly, you are arousing as if from a long slumber in hibernation, opening a slight area, JUST enough for you ‘to rediscover the essence of what you’re made of.’ You are beginning to remember yourself in such a way that surprises you. (Little broken fragments [memories] of glimpses [sensations] that make no logical sense)

The first faint stirrings are awkward and indiscernible.

At times, you like the sensation, other times you don’t. Because the sensations are so new and unfamiliar, the inner commotion disturbs you somewhat. It could be called sexual i n nature, but you are able to perceive a sensation much more diverse and intense.

You find yourself daydreaming a lot; wondering: who is this shell of a person who goes by your name. You find yourself wanting to explore what really makes you tick instead of floating on automatic pilot. This ‘funky’ personal awareness seems difficult to comprehend as the layers begin to peel themselves away.

Exposing the inner void becomes quite distracting while the disclosure of newness does not relate to other things in your life. At this junction, it’s supposed to be distracting. You are being summoned: “It’s time to pay the music man.

Show up for the dance of your life.” From now on, everything you do that is not in line with your specific ‘not yet divulged destiny’ will pale in comparison to what you so earnestly desire to do. You need not understand it. In fact, IF you did, you would be manufacturing the process and anticipating the result.

You realize you have never been this clearly disconcerted before.

Up until now, you were able to ‘go along with the program’. Not any more. No longer can you feel guilty about what you need. More importantly, you are realizing quite succinctly: you don’tfeel guilty or obligated to anyone or anything! This thought dishevels you, somewhat.

You’re not sure how this affects you. {And, more importantly IF others are able to see the transformation taking place inside.} Such strange, yet wonderful stirrings are surfacing. Wild, crazy, imaginative, original creative instincts that make you smile when you let yourself envision them.

You absolutely will not sublimate your deepest desires nor continue to play a fictitious role in order not to rock the boat. You are determined to SEE what’s going on. “Turn the damned boat over IF you must, just feel something genuine!”

The plain fact is: You are more than adequately equipped with the intrinsic artistic tools needed for the personal creative exploration in your individual life. You are powerful and influential. You need not ask permission or seek acceptance in your chosen plight. No one other than yourself can decide what makes you happy and fulfilled.

To others, “it” {whatever is important to you} may seem foolish and unproductive. That matters not! You are driven by an imaginative unyielding impetus that begs your attention and care. Bottom line: You are an artist in search of his/her art. You will not be satisfied until you discover, expose, express and connect “IT”.

You have lived much too long with these incredible sensations buried, not knowing how to express them. You shoved a lid on the innate sacred voice trying not to ‘cause a scene’. Because of your inordinate need to be accepted and loved, you bargained with plastic feelings only to feel worse for having done so.

You were acutely aware of being so radically different/disapproved of, {IF you voiced you true feelings} you pretended to go along with people and plans that you {in some cases} actually abhorred.

This superficial tactic, disguised quite well in a seemingly concerned supportive personality, was the survival mechanism you learned quite young in order to manipulate your circumstances. You did whatever it required to ‘get by’. Because of deeply instilled insecurities, you never liked being set apart from others, often assuming insults when none were present.

The overwhelming feeling of alienation so engulfed you, {this is where you would begin to fabricate things}, that in some instances you genuinely believed your own lies. The episodes, you helped to create, were followed by weak vulnerable embarrassing situations, established by and filled with, inappropriate bouts of jealousy and envy.

You KNOW these things are true by the amount of times you say you’re “sorry” in the run of a day.

The more you try to fit in, the more you experience failure. Again, powerlessness engulfs you. SIDE NOTE: No one likes to feel powerless. That’s the number one barrier in human relationships. {People will do just about anything to hold onto power they assume they possess.} When you engage in these types of measures of control, you end up feeling lonely; afraid you will be totally shut out of the activity.

And, to you, any involvement is better than none. You experience such high levels of “I’m not good, pretty, smart, and rich enough” anxiety in the ‘abandonment’ department; you will literally almost sell your soul to alleviate, or at least, diminish this horrendous self-deprecating experience.

You are apt to fall at the feet of anyone who would show you two seconds of flattering words, emotional appeal or romantic magnetism.

But during the course of eliciting and sustaining an involvement what happens? You walk around silently mad. {For no reason other than your indecision and lack of initiative to step out of the safety box.}

You’ve always felt unsure of the relationships, as if you have to barter your affection. The putrefied anger you harbor eats away at you, poisoning the mind. You hate the feeling of being deprived of the things {lucid fantasies as, only you could invent} others seem to possess and enjoy.

All the while you judge, complain, compare, and condemn, you hide behind a mask of concern/consideration. But, now the mask has slipped. To reposition it would only make you feel more superficial. The game of denying is over. You simply can not refuse to say what it is you truly want one moment longer. Do I hear you gaping as you respond, “But, I don’t know what I want?” Oh! Yes you do.

No one but you has the combination to THAT lock. Part of realizing your aspirations and dreams is being courageous enough to speak them aloud. What do you want? What do you really w-a-n-t? (w-ish a-nd n-eed t-erribly) Can you take a sheet of paper and write down 10 things you honestly want in importance from least to most? After writing those ten things, toss that paper in the trash. Write 10 more.

After you have done this 5 times, the very next thing you write will be your greatest desire. Finally, denial’s gratification will shout at you in 750 foreign languages.

Why 50 times? Because the basic survival need to please and gratify others has been so great, you will write things on your paper that involve others. These things are phony. You have so identified yourself with someone else, along with his/her needs that to possess a genuine thought of your own will be a little abnormal for you.

You must regain your own mind. This begins by stopping the compulsive need and verbal act of constantly checking with others to see how they feel. You want to know if they like whatever it is you think you like before you can decide if it’s good enough for you. Cease it immediately.

Accept the fact; that clever ploy of yours is nothing more than a calculating scheme to maintain your so-called security base.

State aloud: “When I am trying to control another I am the one being controlled.” You are like a parrot mimicking the words. {Empathetic Words that ring so false.} Write the sentence if you must 1000 times, until you break free of the idea of your being able to make someone love or stay with you is utterly ridiculous.

Realize once and for all times, you’ll readily agree with and buy into the idea of being in LOVE {includes and emphasizes your need to hang on} for no other reason but for personal benefit to forestall the incalculable idea of being unlovable. But, the downside of this scary notion is you end up with a sense of warped gratitude.

You don’t care, nor are you interested, but in an effort to avoid confrontation, {meeting the demon of solitude in yourself} you smile and nod in cheerful affirmation. Your need to be thought well of, respected and admired is so great it’s almost pathetic.

You have become so afraid of voicing your own ideas that you have blended into the woodwork lacking any genuine kind of authentic flavor or color. You are BLAND. When the pressure has built to the point of no return, you inappropriately express yourself through unwarranted emotional tirades, bouts of unexplained anger and unprovoked verbal attacks.

Then, you spend useless hours wondering why you acted in such an inexplicable manner; adding guilt, remorse and regret to your already overloaded plate of disappointed expectations. Give it a rest. Your mind is surely overworked and undervalued. Stop jumping to all those negative conclusions you so easily and readily sling away from yourself.

Why not accept the fact of how spoiled (starved) you are? {I see the hairs on your back stand up like a mad dog at the audacity of my implying such a thing.} Accept your demanding, overbearing, self-serving, callous nature and be done with it. We all have to sooner or later. Realize just how much you DON’T want to change a thing about you.

But, in order to free yourself from the onslaught and oblivion of superficial chaotic ‘molly-coddlings’, you must see yourself in plain view [complete with all] of the selfishly greed driven lustful ego distorted desires for pleasure and attention.

The more you try to disguise your vain deceitful lazy uncaring and unconcerned ways, the more they will become exaggerated. You are petty and nit picking.

You simply can not be satisfied; the lengths and depths you will go to stir up confusion and chaos is mind blowing. Who cares? It’s much better to know what you’re dealing with than trying to blow smoke up your already blazenedly inflated ‘victim’ ass.

The gig is up.

Your artistic authentic nature demands you to: “Return home.” Fulfill the first commandment in you. No other face can replace your own. No other hand can fit the ploughshare. Unless you take care of sacred business first, the other will suffer needlessly and you will too.

You are an unfulfilled sacred artist who has become bitter and resentful. The sacred sexual impetuous is willing and able to set you free. [Not in yourself but from yourself] You have never been alone, nor will you ever be alone.

Face it! This unsavory predicament is the exact circumstance you called into existence to push you over the barrier of a self-pity debasing sickness into your fully liberated realized creative self.

You are a Master of Divine Essence who has forgotten his/her celestial artistic heritage. It’s you that you are dealing with. It’s you who is thrusting. YOU are the only one you are in search of to expose, explore, express, and experience.

No other subject will compensate for the failure to accept the responsibility of the ineffable sublime pleasure locked within the treasure chest of unspoken words {art, music, drama, written word}, of supremacy in your human body. “Physician, Heal thyself.” “Take up thy body and walk.”

CREATE. EXPRESS. CONNECT. SHARE.