Advice to Youth 3: Survival

For those of you who attended the two previous “Advice to Youth” sessions, this will be a natural move from theories to practical advice on Survival.

Newcomers will not be able to follow this unless they first read parts one and two, so please leave now.

The Art of Snoring

So, Young Man, you have come across supposed advice from various wimps masquerading as experts, ready to tell you how they managed to crawl and beg for their wives and/or girlfriends to take them back after said wives/girlfriends kicked the so called experts out. These wimps not only have the gall to brag about their ability to make a complete horse’s ass of themselves, they actually offer to show you how to do it yourself. Ignore them with the manly contempt that they deserve.

The first obvious question you should ask yourself is that, if they are such experts, why were they kicked out in the first place? They are actually NOT WANTED ANY MORE!

The secret is never to reach that point in the first place and in order to avoid doing that you must have boundaries and limitations, both for yourself and for your wife/girlfriend. One of the basic rules of survival is to be ready at any time to leave her, at the slightest provocation. No ifs or buts. Pack your bags and leave. There must be no doubt in her mind that you will do this.

What if she doesn’t care if you leave, I hear you ask? If she doesn’t, then you have already failed you poor fish and you might as well leave with whatever dignity you have left intact. Find a woman who will love YOU unconditionally.

Women either love or they do not. There is no in between. If they do not, they will tolerate you for a period of time during which they shall be carefully looking for someone to replace you with. Leave them first and they shall never be able to forgive or forget you.

How do you known if they truly love you? Give them the snoring test.

The Snoring Test

Apologise to your wife for your snoring and if you see your wife’s face break out into a tender smile at the memory of your snoring as if she is looking at a newborn baby, then you know she truly loves you. If she makes a face of annoyance, pack your bags. A wife who loves will quietly go and buy earplugs and whenever you mention your snoring, she will smile at you tenderly and say that she likes it. It took me four years to realise that my wife was wearing earplugs in bed!

The Saliva Test

There is almost nothing more disgusting than the saliva of a person that you do not like. So if your wife kisses you several times a day and if her kisses are those sloppy kisses like a puppy slobbering all over you, then be content and reciprocate because that is true love.

If on the other hand she pretends not to see when you make a gesture of affection, do not give her the opportunity to pretend a second time. Pack your bags and leave immediately.

God’s Lesson in Humility

In His infinite wisdom, the Good Lord has made sure that even the most successful and arrogant male has his daily moment of enforced humility. Knowing what bastards we men can be when we become overly cocky, He has ensured that our digestive system works differently from the female of the species, in that ours is by far the noisier one.

Clever men can utilise this drawback and turn it into an advantage, by using it to test the measure of their wife’s love for them. So every morning, when you visit your en suite bathroom and you feel humiliated by the noisy plumbing the Good Lord in His Infinite Humour smilingly endowed you with, whisper a quiet “sorry” at every embarrassing sound you make. As if responding to an elephant’s trumpet love call, you will immediately hear the response:

“My looooooove, I can’t hear a thing, don’t be silly”.

Having deliberately whispered your soul-destroying apology, you know that if she heard the apology, she could not fail to hear everything else. In any case, what is she exactly telling you she cannot hear? THAT, Young Man, is true love.

If on the other hand she makes a derogatory comment, pack your bags and leave. There are more apples waiting to be picked in that great orchard outside.

Reading Between the Lines

Always, but always read between the lines of what people are saying. See if you can find anything wrong with this statement:

“His treatment has had a very considerable success and if he continues with it he poses a low risk of offending, the report added”.

Now let me highlight some words for you:

“His treatment has had a “very considerable success” and “if” he continues with it he poses a “low risk of offending”, the report added.

This is a psychiatrist’s report to a court, recommending the release of a prisoner. Even though at the first reading the recommendation appears to enthusiastically support the release of the prisoner, on second reading the psychologist making the apparently favourable recommendation is not really sure and he is protecting his backside in case the prisoner re-offends.

· VERY CONSIDERABLE SUCCESS: Instead of saying that the criminal is cured, the criminal has had “very considerable success”, therefore considerable is not total or absolute success. In other words, the criminal is not completely cured as yet, according to the psychiatrist recommending the criminal’s release.

· “IF” the criminal continues the treatment. In other words, if he stops taking his medication once he is out, it will not be the psychiatrist’s fault.

· LOW RISK OF OFFENDING. In other words, he does pose a risk of offending, but a low one. If he re-offends, the psychiatrist will say that he had actually pointed this possibility out to the court and it was the court’s decision to let the criminal out.

And who is the criminal whose release the psychiatrist is recommending while at the same time covering his irresponsible ass? Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper who raped and killed 13 women.

In other words, listen to what people are really saying, not what they want you to think they are saying.

Choosing Your Friends

We are social animals and we need the companionship of other humans, therefore we form friendships. However, such friendships must be real and reliable ones.

Imagine that you crash-land on a desert island with a friend and he has the only piece of bread in his pocket.

· If he gives you less than half, kill him on the spot, as you are likely to end up as his lunch in another week.

· If he carefully measures out half, sleep with one eye open and be ready for the worst.

· However, if he gives you more than half, trust him with your life and be ready to sacrifice your own life for him, because you are not likely to find another friend like that.

Never be afraid to make the first gesture of friendship and always acknowledge others’ gestures towards you.

In conclusion, my Pimple Faced Young Friend, note that I have been here for only a few weeks, but I am blessed by having come across people with wonderful qualities whose stories are enriching, their Hubs worth visiting and their comments helpful and constructive. You would do well to learn from them as I have, by visiting their sites. Some of them are:

Zsuzsy Bee, Gypsy Willow, _cheryl_ , Joy At Home, lisadpreston, Feline Prophet, Lee B, glassvisage, jcwin228, sunflowerbucky, tonymac04, IzzyM, Merlin Fraser, Internetwriter62, gaming-guru, Ladybird33, Nicole Winter and i scribble.

Try to read and learn, you little chump…

Dimitris Mita

De Greek

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