Empty-Nest Syndrome and the Single Mom
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It's not easy being a single Mom, let alone being a single Mom of teenagers.
This following article is meant to point out that you, the parent of teens are not alone, feeling frustrated when the kids want to spread their wings.(Too soon)
The only expertise I have on this subject is that I was the proud owner of such "novelties" (teenagers that is and thank goodness they've grown-up). I lived through two of them a few years back, and now one more, as my last Baby just has gone off to College.
I'm told by authorities on the subject, that the reason teenagers are what they are, has something to do with raging hormones. (that's another kettle of fish we can discuss some other time).
Going back to when my two older children were teens, and if there was such a thing as visual hormones, the air around my place would probably have been as thick as pea-soup.
Let me set the scene, my son and my older daughter both teenagers and my baby girl almost three (who at that time was only in her terrible twos therefore no problem what so ever) then there was me just in my early twenties (ha-right). Anyway, just when I was able to talk to my two older ones, almost adult to adult, it seemed that I had to make an appointment to see either one of them. Now to have all of us at home at the same time for dinner, would have been worth the nomination to be the tenth world wonder.
Do you reading this, know what I'm saying? I bet you understand that frustrating feeling I had. It was not only the kids that had to grow up to start their own life. No, I had to learn to do the same, and I can tell you I really felt the growing pains. I found it very hard to take the back seat in my children lives. After years and years of total involvement, it felt strange for them to decide their course of action and not to ask first or at least discuss it. I can honestly say, up till then I had loved every bit of being a Mom, not ones, not even for a single second regretting the hardships that went along with being a single Mom and sole breadwinner. This new development in my relationship with my two older ones totally floored me.
Don't get me wrong, I knew this to be a natural progression in my life but...And neither of the two were trying to be thoughtless, no, they had been "perfect children", and had become normal teens with the arrogant belief of youth that thought they were invincible. Even though they had given me the courtesy of letting me know where they were but ... They had not wanted to understand that I had not complained just for the sake of it. And being teenagers always in a hurry, naturally they had no interest in knowing I was worrying about them. Impatiently, with rolling eyes, answering 'hhhhhhh we know, we know, Mom, we'll be careful'... They didn't want to know that this Mom had separation anxiety. They had no understanding that this Mom was missing the pitter patter of those size elevens, my sons and those of his numerous friends that seemed to be raiding my fridge on a constant basis. Missing all that giggling and whispering that my older daughter and her friends used to perform at their sleepovers, seemingly week-in and week-out.
I wonder now, had I been selfish? Let me explain I think now and even then thought, it was the right thing for them to go out and have fun, and never stood in the way of the new and exciting experiences coming to them.
A friend, who had some professional authority on these feelings (she and her hubby raised and fostered 14 children), and I had discussed this 'teen abandonment of Mom phenomanon' she admitted having had the same feelings and had written a book on it. She had given it the "Empty Nest Syndrome" name. I guess it can be called that, it had not mattered to me what the name or the title, just that it was a real feeling and very hard to accept.
She had also told me that parents with partners also had these feelings but most often, because they had each other, this "alone" feeling didn't hit as strongly. (Which is another big subject and in need of an article of it's own).
This brings me to now. Lets face it I survived. I was now equipped to handle it, I knew what to expect, after all I'm a pro I've done it twice already.
It is now the middle of November. College started, what 10 -11 weeks ago. Why do feel so alone? Why can I not get my act in gear and just accept that over the past so many years I've given my children values. My job as Mom is done. To the best of my abilities I've given all three as much as I could. I have to try to remember that their lives were mine to lead only, until they're old enough to take the job on themselves.
I don't need to keep reminding them that unconditionally, whenever they need me I'll be there for them. They know this, they call and we do get together, but it just isn't the same anymore. I feel so secluded from their lives...not the important things, those we somehow still talk over, but those silly everyday occurrences. I miss those.
It's all just a phase we all need to grow through. It's an adjustment time for teenagers and parents alike, single or not...
You know, I understand all this with my head but not quite as easily with my heart...
This article is dedicated to the best accomplishments of my life, MY THREE CHILDREN
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Comments
THanks Angela! As I said in the article it just doesn't get easier...even though the older ones have been gone from home for years, my Baby leaving has done it again to me...I know I'll settle into this new life sooner or later that still doesn't lessen the uproar feelings in me
thanks for your visit I'll let you know about the chicken salad
regards Zsuzsy
Really Informative. Thumbs Up for you
Thanks for visiting Sukritha...
regards Zsuzsy
Thanks for visiting Sukritha...
regards Zsuzsy
Zsuzsy, I don't have children but one of my "single mom" friends is going through exactly this right now. She's been lucky that her two boys stayed at home right through their twenties. When her thirty-something son started to get really serious about a girl, i was alarmed to see that my friend was (without realising it) actually sabotaging their relationship. Luckily, she woke up to herself before she did any real damage and her son has now moved out with the girlfriend, on good terms. But it just goes to show what stress it was causing her, because she would normally never do anything like that.
Marisa! Thanks for taking a look. In my humble opinion it is the hardest thing that we 'Moms" have to face, but if your friend has a net-work of supportive friends she'll over-come this challenge too. (Evenings are the hardest times, going home to an empty house, some days it is more comfortable not to go out so one doesn't have to face coming home alone) As I said in the article...kids and parents have to 'grow' through this. Best of luck to your friend.
thanks for your comments
regards Zsuzsy
I am a single parent who has been going through empty nest for a few years now and I still do not know which direction to go. I became such a caretaker that now I work in homecare. Go figure! I need a change and I dont know which way to turn with lack of $$$. I wish I knew.
Deb! I was asking myself similar questions. The only answer I came up with is to find as many things to do as I can fit into my day and evenings as possible. Sooner or later the brain and heart will reconnect and then I'll be at peace with the way things are...the way things have to be...I'm waiting for that day too...soon
best of luck regards Zsuzsy
Zsuzsy!
You did a great job describing the dilemma between what you want for the kids and what you want for yourself. In my opinion you chose correctly: They got to enjoy the carefree joy of youth without worrying about mom--and I mean WORRYING (not without being considerate of her feelings).
I personally believe it will balance out later, when they become parents. In the meantime, it can be lonely, which is why it's good to have a forum, a community, and a writing pad!
Thanks C-Lee! I am as proud of my children as can be. They are the kind of "Mensch" I always wanted be. It is a total shocker to me to hear them discussing "Adult" things etc. They are so well balanced...me on the other hand I am still trying to connect the brain and the heart thing...it probably has lots to do with getting older too and not being needed as much as before.
thanks for commenting regards Zsuzsy
Zsuzsy, this is a wonderful hub, and although my kids are still young and I haven't gone through this yet, I feel for you! It's bitter sweet -seeing your kids grow into these awesome people, but then you miss they way it was before.
I hear that grandchildren make up for all of this :)
Amy Jane Thanks for your comments. My Granddaughters are great and somehow they feel like an extention of your own daughter but somehow it's still the everyday little things that are missing...I'm getting better though and my "baby" is awesome she manages to call daily from college.
regards Zsuzsy
U do get over it my mum was a solo parent before it was fashionable I left home and the country when Iwas 21 my brother was 5 years younger but he finally moved town at about 19 - I guess it was the first time she had ever lived alone - and I guess she had to adapt to it - but I do remember both my brother and I being home and unemployed about 3 years after bro had left home and she enjoyed it for about a week or 2 and then started making pointed hints about us moving on! It was the first time I realised that although I would always be welcome in "HER" home it wasn't "MY" home anymore!
Lissie! that's the real point...nothing will be the same ever again...they come to visit me then they go HOME which is not with me anymore.
Oh I'm just such an old sentimental fool. Thanks for your visit.
regards Zsuzsy
I know your pain. And then some.....My last daughter just married. She was my best friend and I now feel like I have lost my daughter and my best friend and it is a very difficult thing. On top of that I think she just married in a hurry because she thought she would never marry - and I don't like the man (or 40 year old boy) she married. There are so many issues that I would have a long list if I added them. I was and am very baffled by the whole thing - and it seems that everything has changed completely. Tomorrow is mother's day and if I want to be with her I have to be with HIS whole family too (which I declined) And on the days I do get to spend a little time with her, he calls every few minutes and texts her.... I had already dealt with the lonilness of both my girls moving out years ago, but now it seems so final and permanent. And my other daughter is living in another state.
" I feel so secluded from their lives" I was just reading your article over again and this is exactly it. From the day they are born, we are told to bond and be the best parents we can and they are there and they enrich our lives and give us purpose....then they grow up and leave to have lives of their own and all of a sudden we are supposed to just "adjust" and move on.....it is a very difficult thing and it feels like being abandoned on a remote island or punishment for loving them so much (the grief and the pain).
D! I hear you...It can feel very alone at times. I have found a great outlet for my alone times here at hubpages. The most important thing I found was to keep busy. Unfortunately for us this is the way of life...this is the way is has to be...I know raising my children is the best accomplishment of my life...and will always be. Now it's time to do what I want, when I want, how I want.
Chin up D it will get better and easier to deal with soon...
kindest regards Zsuzsy
D! I have an awesome son-in-law. I guess I'm lucky. Maybe you should give the guy the benefit-of-a-doubt. After all you raised your daughter...your values are there in her...possibly she didn't choose badly. It's just so important to let her know that no-matter-what you are there for her with love and support.
kindest regards Zsuzsy
Thanks for the encouragement. I love my other son-in-law with my other daughter. This one has added to my daughters debt and her life stress. He is not very smart and hasn't learned much over his 40 years on how to take care of himself. He has been married twice before, has a son who has mild autism and his family is over the top religious (I am a Christian, but I believe that you have to be a Christian and still be able to relate to others who are not). His conversation is always signs or visions or something to that nature and I don't have a clue how to talk to him. He is very insecure (and unattractive)- which is why he constantly calls when she is away from him. SHe wanted to be married and she is - and 5 months into the marriage is hoping to be pregnant any day - her time clock is ticking loudly! I know I have to figure out how to live without them, but it is really hard. I am an introvert and it is hard for me to move outside of this....I just ten to withdraw and stay to myself. I do see her on Sat. for a while. We have lunch and get groceries together, so I am grateful for that time. I think if it hadn't happened so fast and it was someone I had liked it wouldn't be as painful. And being a mother - I wanted her to find someone who would be a help to her - not more work for her. It seems that she is raising him or trying to overcome the doting mother he had who never taught him to be self-sufficient and the father who was verbally abusive. And of course me and my daughters are very self-sufficient way, so it is hard and strange to me to see a grown man who isn't! I know time heals, but it is hard for the relationships to change so drastically so suddently. I know it will never be the same again. It is just sad. She knows I will always be there for her. Even if I tried - I couldn't NOT be there for her. Just have to fake it around him which isn't a fun thing for me..
Very sad D that the son-in-law is not someone who you'd be able to love. Hopefully he will grow on you. Life can be hard enough...my tought are with you
regards Zsuzsy
Some days are way worse than others. Today I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I just signed up for foster parenting, I guess I'm reaching out to fill the VIOD. But I feel that there are children out their who may feel the same abandonment by losing there parents. So why not help each other. Now two VOIDS can be filled. I hope this helps the pain some what. But it can only help me and someone else.
Lisa! That is a super idea. Keep as busy as possible and before you know it you feel better. Foster parenting is a great program...there are some classes available too.
best of luck to you regards Zsuzsy
Zsuzsy, I just had to pop back in and share some thoughts. It's only since I hit my fifties and my friends' children started leaving home that I had any idea of how mothers felt when their kids left home!
Children may love their parents, but it's nothing like the lioness-love of a mother. They can leave home blithely because they have no idea how you feel. They don't realise that you feel the loss as deeply - or even more so - as they would if their partner walked out. Most people have no idea of that until they have children of their own.
My mother wasn't the demonstrative type, and I always thought she was relieved to get us off her hands. Now I wonder.
Hello Marisa! Glad you came by. I think it really hit me so hard because I've been a single parent for so long. There were too many changes in my life all at ones. Not only did my last "baby" leave to go away to college but a fire destroyed my sewing shop and as I was underinsured I couldn't rebuild. All of a sudden felt and questioned my usefullness. I know this is life...I know this is the way it should be, has to be, but it still doesn't help take the quiet out of the house in the evenings. You know sometimes you don't even want to go out with friends in the evenings because you know at the end of the night you have to go home to an empty house. I'm getting better.............Thanks for your comment Marisa and I'm sure you misunderstood your Mom too. zs
Zsuzsy, I just want to run to you right now and hug you. I understand all the logical and seemingly right reasons to have to be okay and then the heart just couldn't take it yet. {((( hug )))} now I'm teary eyed and I'm not even a mother.
--michelle
Michelle! You're a sweetheart. Thanks, I can feel the hugs from all those miles away. My "baby" has had an awesome first year in college. She was home for a week then she started her internship for the summer. She'll have another week at home at the end of the summer then back to school. I'll be spending some time with my granddaughters over the summer too.
With other words life goes on. We follow the course we have to and that's that. And I'm getting better.
Thanks again for your nice warm comment and kindest regards Zsuzsy
Glad to know it's getting better. I believe it gets better and better in time and also because you seem to be a woman who doesn't sit around moping. I guess we just need to go through the "phase" and allow ourselves to feel and share all this feelings. And then when the heart is ready and sees the light more and more each day, beautiful experiences take over to replace old ones. Congratulations with your "baby's" wonderful accomplishments in college. Take care :)
Michelle! Thanks again. zs
The hardest part for me is that their lives are so very busy that I rarely hear from them. I had a fairy tale going on in my mind that once they left we would see each other frequently and they would do special things for me because they knew I did this all alone. I'm not talking about expensive things, but cards now and then. I love my two young men unconditionally and all their lives I had to do this totally alone, no backup from either side of the family and definitely no support. I know I'm supposed to be making a new life for myself but I'm stuck and just stay isolated. I see no worth in my life anymore, it's like all I need now is just to hear their voices. I send e-mails and text messages and don't get any response. The only time I hear something is when they need help with something. Then I feel used. They both turned out to be wonderful young men and I just wanted to be able to enjoy them as adults. Do they ever reach a point when they do come back in some way? I just want to know I'm still loved by them. Does that sound childish?
Joanne! I know exactly how you feel. I really had a hard time when the baby left home. I keep busy-busy-busy and take one day at a time. My college girl calls most days so that helps. I get to see my granddaughters every couple of weeks too. Your young guys are just busy feeling their way, being a little thoughtless is the way of youth I would say. They will soon realize where unconditional love is always to be had. Hang in there Joanne, it will get easier
kindest regards Zsuzsy
Hello, Zsuzsy. You are so much right that we should keep ourselves as busy as possible when our grown up "babys" fly from the nest. We lived all together most of the time- my mother (who also raised me all by herself), my son and I. Some time my Mom lived not with us, but nearby. When my son and I moved to USA, it was my aging mother who got an "empty nest syndrome" and it was really hard on her, though she wouldn't show it (I used to call her often), but I felt that she was going down. When my son moved away to college, I wasn't really lonely, as he was calling me every day and now I took my mother to live with me. So, we are helping each other - I saved my Mom from that notorious syndrome and she saves me:). And when my son comes for a visit, it's a great joy for all three of us.
ReuVera! How awesome for you both to have each other. It's a funny thing we do to ourselves. My Baby is in her second year of college and talking about where she will have placements when she's finished after her third year and it sounds that she wants to see some of the world... which is the way it should be... I know in my head, but my heart is weeping already about her being so far away (not that I would tell her that though).
Thanks for taking a look and remember to keep busy really busy
regards Zsuzsy
Great hub and a subject women need to talk about more. Went through the same thing when my youngest "baby" flew the coop.
I think it's a lot like the typical man when he retires -- you define yourself by a job or role for so many years -- then without that -- you find yourself floundering -- as to "who am I." Moreover, you worry that your babies don't need you any more.
The good news is "you are still mom" and a few years from now, if you did a good enough job (and I'm sure you did) -- after a few years they'll need you just as much and it doesn't matter how far away they roam. This is especially true when they become parents.
Another part of the equation with the empty nest is -- that it often coincides with peri-menopause or our actual change of life -- it's a time of great reflection and great growth. Something to be savored and time to redefine yourself and rediscover old hobbies and passions.
I agree with your wise words Jerilee! It is so thrilling to see your children as awesome successful grown-ups. A couple of weeks ago when we were all able to be together and sitting around the after dinner table and here were my kids, my babies discussing world issues. I looked around me and it felt as if I'd woken up from a deep sleep... wasn't it yesterday when I had to help them with their homework...
time is a flying by thanks for coming for a visit.
regards Zsuzsy
Hi Zsuzsy, this is a really heartfelt hub.
I have not completely experienced the empty nest syndrome because neither one of my children have moved out but are both gone most of the time. I have to say when they were growing up in teen years things were noisy around here and to make up for all that noise I would find solitude in no tv, no radio, just quiet and have come to love it. I know lots of people who are afraid of silence. It's really a beautiful thing and when I have had enough of it, I call friends and do volunteer work which has been supportive.
I was not a single mom. My husband works 3 jobs so I've often felt like one at times. It's good to know no matter what we do in life we are never really alone, we just need to ask and that's a challenge for mom's who have given for so many years. I believe the best years are still ahead!
The best to you and life. Live it well! ~Dottie
I'm a single mom of four and my baby left this year at age 16 to go to college. I am fortunate, though because they are all still close by and I see them often, in fact my oldest son is back at home for awhile due to the economy. Also have 3 grandchildren that have lived with me on and off over the last 4 years. So my nest isn't quite empty and I hope it never will be. But of course it's inevitable.
Dottie I do miss the noise and rigamarole... it's okay though because I now have control of the TV remote, the dogs don't sass back and I can eat egg plant and collards whenever I want without any gripping, and best of all I can listen to classical, jazz, blues or even the big bands whenever... life goes on regards Zsuzsy
Lafenty, thanks for taking a look and for commenting. It does get quiet around here but thats what loud music is for and barky romps with the dogs. My granddaughters live about 3+ hours away from here. If I get too lonely I just pack a bag and jump on the train and go visiting every few weeks or so.
regards Zsuzsy
You touched me. Mine are 24 and 18 yrs. I went through a 'thing' this year that I was in denial of, I'm probably still going through it, the empty nest syndrome. My oldest is volunteering in Africa the first of next year and my youngest spends less and less time with me, but that's life. You raise them right, and they leave to live their lives.....hopefully coming back when they have their children though, (I remind them that I'll be the free babysitter).
It's been hard, I think I'm the only mom I know.
Thanks for writing this, it helped me not feel so alone in that regard.
Rose, glad you popped in for a visit. Your eldest leaving for Africa is a tough one...so far away from your help.
but as you said "...they leave to live their lives"
which is as it should be...
all the best to you Zsuzsy
...correction, I just reconnected with two old friends from church who are also moms and newly single-they're being the same great friends they'd been when we were kids so, I'm feeling less and less alone...:)
Good to hear Rose.
kindest regards Zsuzsy
Thank you for your site. I have such a difficult time and it has been years but I still grieve not being the mom I want to be.I have a wonderful daughter-in-law, 2 terrific grown sons , A job that requires me to be focused and knowledgeable and yet, Every now and then something triggers the depression on being useless to my children...not being the mother I want to be and never being able to go there again. I appreciate the forum to hear I am not alone, but I wonder, truly if this will ever pass? Today I cried all the way home . Tell me that there is hope that one day I will know who I am and enjoy a new role I just cannot seem to find.
Emcoll I can tell you for sure you are not alone. I still get those black moments every once in a while and my babe just started her third year in college. When she comes home its a total delight which quickly turns into a bittersweet because its just for a short weekend.
Unfortunately this is what life is meant to be... we do our utmost to make sure our children get everything that they deserve and need, then they go off to conquer their own world, then they become the moms and dads and we get to be grandmas which in itself is an absolute delight.
I keep busy, busy and try to learn new things all the time or I go on short little trips to new places etc.
Chin up my dear, it will get easier... the black moments will come less often and will stay shorter times. It will come together soon.
kindest regards Zsuzsy
Gosh, i so relate to all these comments. I'm 41 with a 16 year old who moved away to live with dad (who never supported or visited) and a 19 year old who is backtalking and itching to have his own life, yet is scared to grow up and has not yet had a job and is messing up a bit in his first semester at junior college :-(. A year ago I turned 40, found my first gray hair, and realized my kids are making their own decisions and there isn't squat i can do about it. I've always had wonderful relationships with them and we have always been close, but the youngest doesn't contact much and I don't want to push him by being needy, but i do want him to realize that you treasure family and call once a week or something...so yes, i realize i have a lot of life left to live and have spent most of it so far joyfully wiping behinds, what am i to do now/ How will i fill my life? Do i get a bunch of hobbies, find a partner, eat and drink and watch tv with myself until i fall sleep every evening lol....this is also when i realized that i should have taken being a millionaire more seriously LOL, if i had money and can travel or something, that would probably really help! I'm wondering - are there resources, what are the good books - how do we figure out what to do to be at peace with it? And also, for my teen that is afraid to grow up and literally "lost" and doesn't know what to do with his life - what do we call that? I'm trying to look up books, etc..for support, but not finding much!
Thanks so much for writing all this. I wish you all well - maybe we should form a support group LOL
KessaM, local libraries have quite a few books on the Empty nest syndrome. They would also be able to direct you to support groups within your area. Believe me this is coming from experience, IT DOES GET EASIER. My "baby" just started her third year in college this past September and from what I gather she's going in for a few more years of schooling after, so I would say that chances are next to nil that she will move back home anytime soon or ever... that means I have to do my own thing and live my life to the best of my ability... and that's the way it's supposed to be, they leave the nest when they are ready, if its good for old momma or not... Now having a good chunk of money in the background would do great for traveling and such but sometimes that just isn't meant to be either.
So hang in there, brighter days are coming
regards Zsuzsy
This so hit home for me. I am a single mom who raised three sons on my own. The youngest is 29, the middle 32, and the oldest is 33. I have spent the last 5 years dealing with that lovely phenomenon of "empty nest syndrome"...There is always comfort in knowing one is not alone...Well written, from the heart...touched me! Thanks!
tnderhrt, Thanks for taking a look and for commenting. I still find it odd that when my world kind of stopped---or collapsed onto itself---life all around still continued on.
It does get easier though I must admit, the trick is to stay busy, busy.
regards Zsuzsy
Angela Harris says:
2 years ago
Wow, really well-written and I completely understand. 'Separation anxiety' is a perfect description for it. My kids are not yet all moved out and I still feel lonely sometimes. It's a difficult stage for us parents.