Goodbye To Rape And Hello To Love Again
78
Where Do I Begin?
So I have finally decided to document this moment in my life, that I never thought I would speak about. I honestly don't know why it is so.
"When you feel like giving up Just remember what kept you holding on for so long."
Both my parents are aware of the attack but not of what happened. I don't think my Father knew how to deal with it, so we never spoke a word about that horrific night. My Mother had walked out a few years previous, so she wasn't in the scene. I have not seen her for a few years now, she does not call and I in turn do not call her. I remember around five years ago, I tried to tell her what happened to me but she walked away.
'I love my Mother despite everything.It just slices through my heart.Does she think of me?'
There are no fancy words in this story just the simple words that spill from my heart. I never had any counselling from my experience, no help all. No-one to lift the heavy burden off my heart. I had no choice yet again in my life, but to recover from this myself. As you know I later developed Anorexia and the years before that many suicide attempts.
What killed me is I just wanted someone to listen to my pain. Just one person after this happened, just to hold me and feel my pain One small voice to say "How much you have suffered but you will be alright."
*Below is a video I put together myself which tells the story of my rape, with a few real images of myself thrown in as well. Please view the video as it really is an important part of my story here. This movie means a lot to me in many ways.
My Own Video I Made To Tell The Story Of My Rape
'Please know that this is not a sad story.'
I have no more pain inside you see, all the hurts have been swept away, by tears that never slept for what seemed to be a eternity. This is truly a VICTORY STORY, that could be yours just as it became mine.
Most importantly it is a story of the 'healing of one tiny little heart , that once lay crippled and afraid.......'
'Let go of what kills you and hold on to what keeps you breathing'
I just wanted one person after this happened, just to hold me and feel my pain
THE RAPE
I was only fourteen when they raped me. I was laying innocently with my boyfriend on the beach late one night. I should never have been there, NEVER. Rebelling against my Father who would not let me out that night, I decided to go anyway when I knew he was asleep..
The stars were so beautiful that night as we lay there close together, I had no preparation or premonition of trouble at all.
Suddenly two men appeared from the shadows, and pounced down on us. Fear struck my heart instantly, the beautiful night slurring into darkness around me.Within seconds my innocence was lost. No time to say goodbye to the end of my child-hood.
'Is this my time to die, yet again.Why does everything happen to me?'
Repeatedly one at a time they dragged me into long grass, a knife held to my throat as they raped me. One would savage my body while the other stayed with my boyfriend beating him when the urge arose.This went on for two hours,as layer by layer my pride, my youth, my heart was stripped from me.
I prayed inside where no one could hear,"Save me,save us, I have never been more afraid in my life."
With my dignity severed, and fear gripping me heart I hoped it was over. However it had only just begun. For the next two hours I was thrown back with my boyfriend again raped, humiliated,as we were tied together naked. There was no hope of escape,no-where to hide as the torment and assault continued on.Suddenly,as quickly as it began it was over. As they walked away,I began to tremble,as tears flooded my eyes.
'I WAS ALIVE AND THAT WAS ALL THAT SUDDENLY MATTERED. I NOW BELIEVED IN MIRACLES'
No matter what you go through, how desperate things may seem, never stop believing for a miracle
Healing
What I went through afterwards could be another story on its own. Yes there was devastation, suicide attempts, fear and so many things I can't begin to explain. I also blamed myself, as I felt if I had listened to my Father, none of it would have happened. Life was not easy through the years that also led to my anorexia. I had no-one to talk to and no-where to go. One sad part of everything though is I can't remember a lot of my childhood either.No matter how I try so hard to bring it back, it's just not there.I wish I could remember.My sister also had lost her memories a few years later.
While I was recovering from Anorexia, it caused me to look at a lot of what was going on inside me. I guess it came down to the fact that I was standing at the cross-roads of life. I could chose to keep walking down the road of destruction or take the road of where my life was meant to go.
I realised that somehow I had to let things go that were holding me back. I did not want to live my life in misery, fear and anger. The first step would be to forgive the rapists inside myself. That by no way meant saying what they did was not horrendous, and it does not mean ever liking them in any shape or form. However if you have unforgiveness in your life, it can eat away at your heart like acid, and destroy so much of your life. So I forgave.The healing from truly forgiving is enormous if you really mean it in your heart.
I just kept coming back to my miracle that I had been spared from death. Why not embrace it and live my life to the fullest.I had been given another chance, why waste it. Life is so damn precious.
'They may break my body but they will never take my spirit'
Open your eyes my sweet one,
Is that not the sun you see,
Look at how the seagulls,
Soar so high and free.
See the hills beyond the pass,
With fields so vast and green,
With daffodils and golden soil,
Where once lived childhood dreams.
Rise and stand upon your feet,
No longer will you crawl,
For you have climbed these mountains,
After many downhill falls.
Close your eyes and picture,
Think back to seasons bright,
When your weren't afraid of darkness,
As you danced the morning light.
See that girl inside you,
Who dreamt so many dreams,
With many roads to travel,
To places never seen.
You never were to blame,
For the horror you went through,
It was the evil heart of others,
That killed off part of you.
They took away so many things,
The things no-one should take,
But it's time for you to take it back,
For your own precious sake.
Copyright © 2009 Deb Murarenko
'If I had never known such hardships in my life I would never fully understand what you are enduring now.'
I can now honestly say there is no pain when I think back to this rape.Somehow I have managed to separate myself from the horror of it by forgiving, positive thinking and living my life to the best I can. I think in a way by having such hardships and trials it has made me a better person, I appreciate the good times so much more. It certainly has not affected my ability to love, if anything, I have become the opposite. I love to love and my heart is incredibly soft.
I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for. The way I think is that there comes a time to grieve and a time to let go. For everyone it is different when it can be done. I am probably one of the most happy go lucky people you will ever meet. To look at me now you would never guess my past. My life is a celebration of life and I never look back. 'I believe in miracles'.
This is a celebration story. My celebration story.
'It is not the world that seeks to wound,but conflicts birthed from troubled minds'
After The Storm There Is Sunlight by Deb Murarenko
- After The Storm There Is Sunlight by Deb Murarenko (Book) in Poetry
After The Storm There Is Sunlight by Deb Murarenko (Book) in Poetry :This book is all about hope and change, through the tremendous power of love and concern. It questions our morals and values,and helps us see that there is light beyond the darkness
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Please Feel Free To Leave Your Comments
Thanks so much for sharing this. The video you made was very pwoerful and I even understood it. I've never been to you eihter and if I could I'd give you butterfly kisses and a very much deserved hug. I'm so glad to know you and know that you will be fine. Forgiving is healing isn't it? Very good hub my dear. Have you looked at your facebook recently?
Blondepoet, this is so incredibly sad and inspirational all at the same time. You survived one of the most brutal experiences I can imagine, and you are indeed a very strong person who is also quite blessed to have a heart that manages to forgive so that you can live. Thank you for sharing this, and I'm sure it will be quite inspirational to others who have suffered the same injustice.
After looking at your slideshow and seeing the handcuffed man, I hope this means the monsters were caught, prosecuted and sent to jail.
Hi Trsmd no lol it is not a book it is just a single page I wrote for here a few days ago thanks for stopping by.
Hey C.C yayyy you are the bees knees. Yes forgiving is healing. Boy how many times now I have had to do that. I told you a while ago I would write this story, part of me still was resisting I have no idea why, maybe because it is such a personal topic.
No I havent been to FB but I will check first thing in the morning.I am so beat nearly midnight here, as we say down under fagged out .Please can you email me with your suspicions on that other matter with CW, I really want to know what you think
I wish I could make Pam`s words my own... You´re a great woman with a great heart and I´m so sorry you hadn´t anyone to comfort and support you after that horrible night. I´m very glad to know you have overcome all this by yourself - it says much about you.
Unfortunately the video says: This video is not available in your country. :(
Heyyyyyyyyy Pam. Thanks so much for your beautiful comments here.You bet they were, both given eight years each so they would be out and about now. The day after the attack on us they attacked another couple a few streets away. I also forgot to mention after that night I never saw my boyfriend ever again. He never spoke to me again. I think he was ashamed too, and also the fact he could do nothing to help me that night.
Hiya Funride oh no not available in your country. Damn. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx6lHDrCLE0 that is the link on U tube maybe it would work there for you.Your comments have made me feel a million dollars. I was worried when I was writing this how people would react, I am really relieved to know it is being received.My teen years were not the best one thing happening after the other,but wow it is all good now,my heart just bounces out my chest lol
You're an amazing lady Deb. Possibly one of the strongest ladies that I have "met".
I can't begin to imagine what you have suffered.
I'm not a violent person, but I think I could destroy anyone who did anything like that to my daughter.
I really hope that you can look ahead and see much better times.
(Crikey that sounds so - err - wishy washy. But for once, I truly don't know what to say.)
Hi BP,
you're right. Who would have guessed your past reading the positivity in your hubs? I marvel at the cruelty of men and the strength and tenderness of the heart that has decided to love and not hate. I was trembling inside myself reading your words. Thanks for sharing and telling me what I've always believed is true.
Hi Eric wow oh wow. I am so glad I have written this story now,In a way I know it sounds corny but it is like finally, like I said in my story, "I just wanted someone to say it will be ok and what hell you been through".Don't get me wrong I am not looking for sympathy but just to hear your comment touches my heart so much,it is like I finally am telling my story and someone is listening.Your words mean a lot to me.Thank You so much.
Benson, thankyou so much as well.Yes noone can guess til I tell them.Shows I have come a long way. You are an absoloute gem for your comment too.Boy,you have no idea what that means to me.I have never beamed so much in weeks, I am like a light bulb at the moment
Hei BP
you are very strong person
I can't begin to imagine what you have suffered.
This is good lesson for other to how you you can fight anything in life.
Powerful & personal. I am in awe of your honesty.
Lgali thanks a million.Yes it is so true that you can fight anything no matter what it is.If I can do it anyone can
Hi Saltymick thankyou too.Yes I have had this one saved for a few weeks,thinking should I, shouldn't I lol.Then I just took the plunge.I imagine my father may read it too,as he never heard my story before,for these years.Thanks heaps for the support :)
The link also doesn´t work... I would love to watch it... is it a big video? maybe you could send it to me by email? Or have you uploaded it somewhere else, perhaps google.video or other videos sharing sites?
I´m glad to know all the comments have made you feel good and loved. After all you deserve to be cherished by your friends :)
Funride can u email me please with your email address I can try that. I can't send it to you through Hubpages mail as I can't add a attachment.Believe me I feel so good, I know without a doubt I did the right thing by writing this.It has been the first time ever I have been able and comfortable to tell it. It is 1.50am here lol and I am buzzing too much to sleep.You guys are just the best.
Hi, Blondepoet: Stunning! When I go to read one of your articles, I never know if I ham going to laugh my brains out or have you rip my heart from my body. It made me feel sick, and so terribly sad. I would feel that way for anyone who went through this, but because I know you as a friend, I felt it ten fold. I wish I could have been that person you needed afterwords, to hold you and tell you everything would be OK. I could also tell you how my anger made me feel and what I would do to....well, you know the rest of that refrain.
I'm at a loss for words. My brain is jumbled. I've talked myself into a corner. I can say that what a remarkable lady you have turned into. So wonderful. You are like a shining light. Peace.
I'm speechless. blondepoet, you say this is not a sad story but a victory story, still it feels very sad to me. Sometimes it's just very difficult to see the positive side of things. Then again, you overcame and came on top, and I'm very glad for that. Still, I'm having thoughts of crowbars and steel-toed boots to use on the perps. Bastarts.
The fact that you were able to move on from this and become an amazing person is incredible. I can't even imagine what that night must have been like. Your thoughts are very inspirational and I'm so glad you shared them. Thank you for your story.
Awww Christoph I just am completely blown away I have had the sweetest of comments and now to top it all off I receive this one from you that is just so amazing.You don't probably realise what effect this is having on me
"What killed me is I just wanted someone to listen to my pain. Just one person after this happened, just to hold me and feel my pain One small voice to say "How much you have suffered but you will be alright."
This is finally happening I am telling this for the first time and someone is finally listening.Boy I have tears in my own eyes actually.Yes I go from one extreme to another with my writing,I don't know what to expect myself.I really appreciate everything you said,i have taken it all in, thanks a million
Hi Elena, thanks so much for stopping in to read this. Yes it is very sad what actually happened,I mean this devastated my life for the next so many years but my life seems so much more enriched probably due to all this because I just go all out with what I do now.At the moment I am working on somehow trying one more time to reach my mother's heart.I think writing this is pushing me this way again now.
Hi Benjimester great to see you again.You were my first fan do you remember.Thanks so much for your support here.This is just like incredible the reaction.
Looks like there's not much left to say but to repeat how inspirational it is to see your story...and well told. Amazing isn't it how we free ourselves by forgiving and releasing the past.
I hope you are nominated for hubnuggets for this. It is very deserving. At least that's my opinion and I will be sorely depressed if it isn't.
Hi Florida Keys thanks heaps it certainly is.It certainly helps by sharing it,I wish I could have done this ages ago lol.Well better later than never. I'm so glad I decided to write this now
C.C Awww my huge supporter,no can't do that I was nominated for the last one and I came in the top five for my anorexia story. That was just the greatest thing. Ooo you are still a wee garden pot. Big hug for being such a loyal supporter though .I will say it again YOU THE BEES KNEES C.C
Blondepoet
You express yourself so exquisitely well, a writer, poet, artist! You are all three in one. You take my breath away, one minute so vulnerable, forlorn, devasted and then so wise as to make the right decision to forgive the attackers. God must have given you the wisdom and strength to heal yourself on to victory in life. Take care. Life is so precious. All the best.
Thankyou so much einron for taking the time to read my story and for the absolutely beautiful comments you have made.Receiving such wonderful encouragent from everyone has really boosted me up.In a huge way,thankyou.
It was very courageous of you to write this... I am moved by your spirit.
Thanks heaps St.James those few words mean heaps.Courageous lol definitely it has taken me ages to tell this,I guess it is like standing naked in front of everyone, letting people see my deepest secrets. I am glad I did though.I know you can relate to that too in some of your stories.
Hello BlondePoet,
I think that you shouldn't be ashamed of what happened, those scums are the ones who should be ashamed.
I'm happy to see you moved on with your life, not so many people can be this strong.
I'm also happy that you shared this story with us. I guess it's a relief to share this with people.
Hi bloggerdollar I was ashamed as soon as it happened, and for the following three, four years, but I have no shame at all anymore.
I know I could not possibly have done anything to deserve what happened. I know that without a shadow of doubt.....That is one of the reasons I stood strong at that one critical point in my life and said "I will not suffer anymore for what two low-lives have done." I have suffered enough.Thanks so much for stopping by
You did such a beautiful job conveying something horrifying and ugly. The video is so beautifully done. There's so much I could say but not in a public forum. You were brave to write this and I commend you. I wish you all the happiness in the world for the life you have left. You do so much for other women by coming forward and talking about your experience in an honest way. People want to look away from this crime and they should not. Thank you.
Thanks a million pgrundy.I seem to be saying thank you a lot here since last night but I really mean it as I have just loved the beautiful and encouraging messages left here.
They have boosted me right off my office chair way beyond, it is amazing. I don't know how I did it I honestly can't give people the formula but one day I said inside myself enough is enough, I am not going to lay broken no-more and I just pushed on as hard as I could.
I desired something a whole lot better for myself.
Sadly I have lost nearly my whole childhood memories,so did my sister so many years after that. However as I do believe in miracles I will be waiting to see them again one day.
Just to remember the times my sister and I shared together.She is beautiful too and has been through a lot.She recently had some counselling and it had helped her through so much.I am so proud of her.
Wow. Compelling story. I am SO sorry you ever had to go thru something like that. I commend you for learning how to get thru it and for focusing on the fact that you are alive. God has a purpose for your life and I do not know where you are in your life right now, but the victory (as you stated) is in your life and not what happened to you. I am proud of you for taking the focus from what happened to and turned it into what you ARE and what you have accomplished DESPITE what happened to you. You are an inspirational woman and I hope you hold your head high and NEVER let shame in. You are overflowing with courage and you should never forget that.
Thanks so much magic8ball yes I think after what happened, then suicides that didn't work and so many other things that happened I finally realised by rights I should be dead.There had to be angels around me.If they were holding on to me that tight, to help me live then my life must be really worth holding on to.
No matter what you are going through or how you got there,there is a way out,you just have to fight for it and it will happen
We need to see if we can get you up to 100 now. so I came here. love
maybe post another hub and that may do it.
Oh C.C I have not written one how can I do that so fast is there anything else we can do
:(
You are an inspiration to us all, Blondepoet.
I admire your strength, courage and inner beauty - you are a great advert for the good in humanity.
I am with C.C on the Hubnuggets - If this Hub does not make it, we will go and steal Funride's bike.
Awww thankyou so much Sufidreamer. As you know I live to the fullest. Its so weird too as you would think I would not like being around people either, but I just love them. I not going to let two monsters mar the way I see people or love.
I love your hair too is is so kool.Thanks again I am so touched by what everyone has said.That is probably why I have been on a high last few days haha.:)
You are an inspiration to share this with us! Believe it or not, I was a raped victim too. I know how hard it was to recover from such an horrifying event. It's something that we will never forget taken away by force. And if we don't forgive our enemies, how do we deal with it for the rest of our lives?
And BTW, love the Final Fantasy vid.
Hi maymong thanks so much for your comment. I am sorry to hear you were a victim too. I guess you could relate to much of my story.Yes I adore that video too. I hope you have found happiness too.
BP, I've been meaning to read this since I got the announcement. Now I'm glad I did.
How brave of you to to publish this - and it's therapeutic, isn't it? Your recovery is a testament to your inner-strength. "To Thrive is the Best Revenge." That line means more to me these days than it ever has before.
I fully understand just wanting someone to talk to ... to express the loss, to just have someone listen. Without counseling, writing did this for me.
You celebrate still being alive, you mourn the loss of your former self, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and become determined to be the best new you - this altered version - that you can possibly be.
Blonde Poet, I've been avoiding this hub. I knew it would hurt to read. Chris told me I should though. I'm glad you came through it and were able to forgive them. Forgiveness is the true power. You are one strong lady. I'm sending you love and light.
Hey CW, thanks heaps for taking time out to read this. It's funny you say writing helped, as that is one thing I forgot to mention,oh yes I was writing back then, and have never stopped. Writing is just magic isn't it.Yes I would be lost without it.
I love when you say 'You celebrate still being alive, you mourn the loss of your former self, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and become determined to be the best new you', that is exactly it CW.It's like getting a broom and sweeping all the hurt,anger, revenge out of your soul and going forward. Wow. Just adored your comments here thanks so much CW for your wonderful support. :)
Hi Patricia yes I truly know what you mean, about avoiding it, I really do. I am so happy though that you made it here in the end. I know that there is sadness here, but there is even more happiness to know who I am today.I am by far a much better person because of all this, I can forgive so easily, I can help others who are not so fortunate, my heart is as soft as a feather.Not to mention my humour lol, I love people and I love being around them.
Another thing I forgot to mention was my acting. That really helped me too.Waiting behind the curtains I get these huge butterflies going around inside but as soon as I step out under the lights and I see the faces of hundreds of people out there, suddenly I light up inside, I become another character, as reality is left behind, and I just shine. My father knows all about this lol he has been my avid fan sitting out there in the front row many a time. Thank You Patricia for the love you send and I send you just as much back
A very inspiring story - sometimes people can know you, but they never really know you. You are remarkable in how you appear to now view the world.
Thanks Nermal for your lovely comments
Thank you for sharing you strength and courage through this story. We have the best physician, counselor, friend, and companion within us. We are never alone. Just know that you were not alone that night. You were not able to hear your inner wisdom because you were upset at you father and when we are upset, we disconnect from the all knowing part of us. Even then, you were still being looked after through your dad, his inner wisdom knew and that is why he did not want you to leave the house. Sometimes when we don't know that God speaks and protects us through other people we tend to get into trouble. But the past is no more and all we have is the present. I am very happy to hear that you used your power to forgive to heal this situation. Your courage and determination to heal yourself has contributed massively to the healing of all those who have gone through a similar experience. You are a warring angel and nothing can ever change that. May your life and soul be blessed with love, light and prosperity of all sorts.
Thankyou Mayra what you have said makes so much sense to me.Especially thinking back now.I know deep down I was not alone that night as I am here now and I take comfort from that. All your encouragement and kind words are greatly appreciated thanks again for reading my story and being a great support.
I read somewhere (can't accredit it because can't remember) that the survivors of this world become our poets, teachers and inspiration.
You have told you story powerfully, bravely, clearly and without bitterness.
Thank you.
Thankyou so much iphigenia the support I have had here builds me up even stronger every single day because of people like you, thankyou again
Deb You are truly an amazing person. Strong Vibrant with wonderful courage and strength. To survive, come back from the brink on a couple of occaisions and still be your witty eloquent self. I can say no more! BTW the video is likewise not available etc. the link given in the comments also gives a similiar result.
Truly and profoundly impressed by your ability to forgive too.
Oh thankyou so much sixtyorso for your beautiful comments.Send me a email dizzyblonde@live.com.au and I will email the video.Oh you must see it.I sent it to Funride too as he had the same problem.
Blondepoet, you are an inspiration to all. I really like people with a lot of guts like you. More strenght to your mighty bow.
Thanks a million earnesthub that means a lot to me. Thanks heaps for taking time out to read my story. Heaps of times when I am feeling weak I tell myself what I have come through and suddenly I feel strong again
Blondepoet you are incredibly strong and resilient!
Aww thanks sixtyorso don't forget send me a email and I will email the video. You guys have all been so terrific and supportive it makes this place a great place to be.
I had delayed reading this because as a husband and the father of daughters I live in some fear of this. One out of every six women in the US is raped sometime during her life. Only six percent of rapists spend even a day in jail. If I think of it, it fills me with anger such that I cannot sleep.
Yet here you are, shining with triumph. You did not let evil destroy you. You did not give up despite an horrific struggle. You did not fail because no one was there to 'save' you.
You are an incredible inspiration. I am so glad you told your story.
Hi Blondepoet,
What an unspeakable crime against a young, innocent girl! Men like that are seriously no better than animals.
You are a wonderful and brave girl to soar above all that and I hope you will always walk on the sunny side from now on.
Hi Tom I understand your reluctance to come here and read this, with daughters of your own. This really is a terrible crime that affects so many of us in some way. Despite how hard it was I am really glad you came, your comments mean a lot to me. Thanks Tom :) And I have well and truly come out from this a much better person, who appreciates all the small things in life.
Hi Amanda thank you so much.To get these beautiful and uplifting comments from you guys is just the bees knees. It's funny as people under-estimate their own strength. It's there in all of us, it's just reaching in and grabbing it.
It takes a lot of courage to go on after experiencing tragedy. But when one is able to go on and not give up on life and able to move beyond the pain and forgive and heal and live and love...your life has become a wonderful testimony and an inspiration.
Blondepoet, and know that if you ever need someone to listen, I am just here. Loving hugs to you... Thank you for sharing.
hi,very very sexy and nice.
Thanks heaps Ripplemaker I appreciate you taking the time to come here and read my story.I hope in your country the video worked. Apparently it does not work in some countries as the song had a copyright on it. Thankyou also for offering to be there as a friend for me, you are a wonderful, kind spirit and it's so nice to know that you are there for me.
Muzamil thankyou for stopping by also
Hello dear friend BP, I have been off HP for several days as my computer crashed. Timing is fortuitious to log back in to find you've found your voice to share your rape story. Bravo! Beautiful words. The video is very powerful -- I love the empty swings and some of the later, positive images of healthy sexuality.
I totally get that you have healed from the rape and no longer feel pain from it. But it is and always will be part of you (as mine is part of me). How wonderful to have a supportive forum like HP to share your experience. And know that others can benefit from it. Hooray! xxoo, MM
The video is not available in my country too...
The people I most admire: A woman I saw at the mall, pushing a disabled child in a wheel chair, the woman stopped to give the child a kiss.
An Army Colonel who was in full uniform dress who kneeled with an elderly lady to pray with her for her husband. It was in a crowded waiting room.
A stranger who smiled at my father on a day my father was contemplating suicide......the smile changed my father's mind.
My Uncle Charlie who gave up his time of life to care for my bedfast grandfather.
A few more.
I've added you to my list. :)
Blondepoet you are a very strong lady and an inspiration to others. You have a great out look on life you are right you have to push on with a possitive out look or it will swallow you up. Thank you for sharing!
Hi blondie
Did you get my email?
Hi Mighty Mom I have been wondering where you were. I know you can really relate to this story, as you have been through it. You stopping by here means a lot to me and you are so right even though you get over it, part of it stays within you. Thank you so much for your kind words. I know you really understand more than anything.
RIpplemaker I will send it to you it is no problems at all.It would be my pleasure.
Dear Tom, those inspiring scenarios they are just gorgeous and to top it off you added me with them, I am so honoured. Thank you so so much I have a huge smile on my face lol
Tp Gamarro you are so so right. Life is not easy at times,at times it can be so hard. It's like making sure you stay afloat no matter what because if you don't you will surely sink. And to try and get back to the top of the water again is a lot harder. Thanks a million for taking the time to read my story
Sixtyorso damn I am going through my inbox again and I can't see it. Did you try clicking in my profile 'contact Blondepoet' in case it went to the wrong address. I looked in my mail for you yesterday and could not see you then either. I will go check once again,all is not lost lol.
Yayyyyyyyyy sixtyorso I found it for some reason it was in my junk folder that's strange. I am mailing it right now to you yahooo.
i m wanting to same sexygirls.........
Hi Blondie got it. I have sent you a mail with my thoughts and a profound thank you for sharing a truly multi-layered experience.
Yes I am so glad.I just received your email to say you have seen it. I am so glad. I have been fiddling with buttons and new sites to link to this one, and somehow I got a bug and I could not get back here til now. Grrrrr
I know you said you are already okay now and yet when I watched the video (thank you for sending me the link) I cried so hard...for you and all the little girls who suffered because of rape. And mixed with the tears is one filled with hope that it can be better..one can truly heal and forgive and let go and move on. I know I am going to go through my day being grateful to also be experiencing the joy that you talk about. Celebrating being free. Celebrating me. Deb, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for you. And yes miracles do happen.
Oh thank-you so much ripplemaker. You are a huge bubble of love and caring. I know the video was a little hard to see but in a way I am proud looking back now at how far I have come from the horror of it all. To really forgive is not just words or there is no point. True forgiving is letting go of what hurt you at the same time.
It is standing tall, facing your fears, realising that life is too short to be in all this pain, there is only one chance at life. They are my mottos lol anyway.
'You will never get to where you want to be, until you realise you can'
I have laid in the gutter so many times.I know you know all about life, love and faith ripplemaker,you walk it in everything you do.
Hey! ya wanna get drunk wi me? haha
I'm already there.
R ya now? great i say I'm on my way, I think
Bon voyage!
C.C you bet I would.I once sipped a whole bottle of Passion Pop(a white wine) with a straw. I ended up borrowing my friend's Fire fighting uniform and addressed the public on the huge bushfire we had in my town a couple of years ago. I could barely stand lol. They say a little red wine daily is good for you, hehe.
Tom where are you lol ?
I knew we had something in common , I wrote my story in " A wing and a Prayer my Life". I watched the video and read what happened, I am so glad that you are alive and you have shared your story, as others do need to know that there is life after rape. I am certainly glad that we are friends. :)
I am so very sorry you had to experience this...If you ever want to talk email me. I did not have the same experience but I was raped at the age of 17 by my best friends boyfriend who gave me a glass of pink lemonade (drugged) while kicking it at his house. My best friend had to go to her house about 15 minutes away. I asked her to take me with her and she said..."just kick it here for a little bit and I will be right back"....I remember waking up with him raping me...coming in and out of conciousness. It was horrible to admit for years.....I will never forget waking up in the morning with fragments of memories and yet it felt like an out of body experience in which I had no control of.
But I am happy to see with the negative you have made a positive out of it by showing how strong you are....MUCH RESPECT sister! and Much love!
There is life after rape. I was too by an older teen when I was six or seven. hell can't remember now. he tried to muder me. oops! scotcch let that out.
C.C is a little tipsy eh.........come on walk that straight line...oops he tiddlied over haha. I had a few last night and somehow I spent 4 hours trying to get back in HubPAges I was locked out LMAO
Tom where are you going ? Don't leave us.....or do you mean to bed lol
I ma a little fuzzy now. hahaha oh what a feeling. ain't that a song? haha
Heyyy AEvans so glad you came. Omg I will have to go read your story. I am in lingo thinking what has happened to you now. Oh Aevans !!!!
Can you please look at my latest comment in The Blind Man And The Scarlet Rose the latest one is actually at the top of the comments list.What the hell do you make of it after what we were talking about yesterday omg. Having friends like you is worth more me to me in gold truly
You're so brave and what I admire the most is that you can forgive and let go - to become the wonderful creative person you are! As a mother, I do wish someone had held you and hugged you then till the pain lessened - you were just a child. Through the tears, all I can say is - you survived - and you won - that's a lesson for all of us!
Amen to that Shalini!
Oh Jjrubio I am speechless.So many of us have been affected yet we all stand here today arm in arm as sisters. I dearly hope you are ok now,that you have your life back again. Thankyou so much for your support. I am honoured for you to share your horrible experience with us.
Oh Shalini for the first time in quite a while tears are falling from my eyes. You hit it straight on the nail... Mother. My mother was very cruel to me as a child, my childhood was such a sad time. I just wanted all those years growing up for my mother to touch me, hug me anything. I would get kicked like a football down the hallway for spilling my milk. She left us when I was twelve and never said goodbye. She lives only an hour and a half from me yet she has not called in nearly 3 years. I forgive her, but for ignoring my pain and what happened to me,when I was raped I am sorry but I will never understand
girl, I am the one who is honored to be able to be your ONLINE friend! and to read such a heartfelt and such a sad experience in which you rose above the anger to be strong....I am proud of you. I am sorry about your mom not being there for you. My heart goes out to you.....HUGS!!
I am going to try one more time to make my peace with her, in case she should die. Then I will know I did all I could.
Aww thanks a million jjrubio thankyou so much for the love you have brought here and to me..I return it all to you as well :)
You have such a beautiful, loving, forgiving heart my dear - here's a warm, motherly virtual hug to you!
Thankyou linjingjing :)
I just caught it Shalini....... it was sooo nice...loved it.... lol. Oh by the way did you see the little bit that was in my story about your bhang crops lol http://hubpages.com/hub/AEvans-And-Blondepoets-Wor
I admire you for your courage and honesty. I hope writing and sharing this did not scratch at old wounds. :D
Thankyou Chris believe it or not I was fine with doing it. I know it sounds a little strange but I felt this huge weight lifted off me and even more stronger inside. Everyone's comments and support as well has done something magical to me.
Dear BlondePoet,
You have learned to remove all the ashes and bring back your life. Your words are really touching though the story is tragic. I do thank you for your kind thoughts and for sharing your experience! You are great and your words no doubt have touched every single one of us. I do believe i came here seeking something to read and came out with much more. You have taught every single one of us the art of healing and the importance of positive thinking. You have succeeded in touching every single soul in this world and it really means alot for me and for us all to tell your story. Thank you for bringing peace to many troubled hearts.
On the behalf of All communities THANK you 1
"But it's time for you to take it back,For your own precious sake."
That about sums it up. Loved this post. it really touched me. You have my compassion. Rise. Fly. and teach us to follow.
Thank you for sharing your story.You are so brave, girl.LIfe goes on.
Dear Uriel what you have said I receive with a happy and grateful heart. Comments as beautiful as yours lifts me up higher than any mountain
Hi AmbassadorOf Truth thankyou so much each day I raise my wings as I sail over the chapters of my life.
Hi Passerby I am so glad you passed by here.
A courageous story!! Your own video was amazing! The images you put together were brilliant!! I didn't want to read this Hub at first. I knew it would make me cry, but I am glad I did. The other video is great, as well!! I am a fan of the game it came from! I am so thankful that you wrote this!!! It is amazing to see healing happen after such a tragic story!!
Awww that means a lot to me I am sooooo glad you came. Coming from deep suffering to arriving where I am now Anna, I can now see beauty in all the little wonders around me I never have seen in my life. I know how hard it has been for a lot of people to come here, I hope it encourages and helps another lost soul. :)
Hugz from me. I don't uaually read or comment to Hubs like this, I get too worked up. I hide behind a veil of sarcasm and humor. I commend you on facing your pain...
Wow.....there's not much I can say that hasn't already been said by others. You told a powerful story. I'm so sorry you had to endure this, but you've handled it beautifully. *hugs*
Hi, blondepoet. I just came by to read it again. OOoo, I get so mad. It is just as powerful as it was the first time I read it.
And so the human spirit goes on doesn't it?...Everyone has said about all that can be said...I need to 'hug' you too...and know that many have been through things and hardships like you...and also recovered...you are a sweet lovely lady and I shall add you to my prayer list...tears fall and my & heart beats quickly...G-Ma :O) Hugs & Prayers
Pest you coming here means a lot to me and I too give you a huge hug. That is so true what you said about hiding behind a veil. Sometimes when I am hurting inside over things that still happen to me, I put on this happy face for everyone around me, so they don't know what I am truly feeling. The love here I have received, has been 100times more the love I have received for so long.xxxx
K.C.C I have also just caught your hug. I love hugging if given the chance I would do it everyday lol..You guys are just so great.xxxx
Hey Christoph, our friendship means the world to me. To have strong caring people like you in my life is just the bees knees.xxxxx
G-Ma Johnson, I thankyou also for your beautiful words to me and I receive your hug.I am getting more hugs today than I have had in months.Thankyou so much for reading my story.xxxx
BlondePoet..I am still relatively new here at HubPages, but I found your story, and after reading about the rape incident, and your extraordinarily cruel mother, then knowing you have come so far after dealing with attempted suicide, anorexia...I have come to this heartfelt conclusion:
You are a phoenix, my sister. You've used the fire of forgiveness to be reborn from the ashes of your past, and here you are, receiving even more healing from those who have been touched by your story.
I am amazed by your strength.
Namaste, sister. Namaste. ("The Divine Light in Me Honors the Divine Light Within You.")
Blessed Be,
Kat ^.^
Sorry blondepoet - missed that hub - am off to read it now :)
Thankyou so much Bardscribe.I am overwhelmed by the response I have had here I cannot put it into words.As you said here, I am receiving even more healing. I am so glad now that I told this story.
Cool Shalini just look for the word bhang
blondepoet it s a totally different sharing................thnx for ur time
White Atlantic you are most welcome
I am so sorry to hear about your tragedy. But as so many others have said, you are incredibly strong!
I'm also sorry to hear that your mother wasn't there for you. I lived my life without a father, and my mother was not there for me emotionally. I can sort-of relate to that part of your story. But my mother is a better mother now. I can say that.
Good luck to you with everything you do:) Sending hugs
Dear MissJamieD thankyou so much for reading my story.I am so happy for you that your relationship with your mother is so much better now for you.I hope you two just keep growing and growing together
thanx for sharing...its really painful and youchy story....i feel so sorry ...
Hi Britney thankyou so much for coming by.It is not an easy one to read so I thank all the strong people who have made it here :)
Every adult should read this. It has so many messages of hope and strength.
Thanks heaps Tom for all your support. You rock !!
Thanks for being so brave as to share this- everyone can get something so positive out of this. You are a strong person.
BP: That is sick , check and see if you have his IP and report him as that is just plain sick!!!! Who in there right mind would say something like that!!! I hope someone cuts off his penis, yes nube123 you!!! I hope that your pee-pee is shredded and diced for saying such a sick thing. Being raped isn't a joke and people like you making that type of comment should be castrated, you are probably a child molestor to!!!!!
It makes me feel sick in the stomach AE, totally sick.Where can I report him.YOU SICKKKKKKKKKKKO. I am lost for words here, I want to lash out at him so much, but it will probably just make him get off on it.
He is from Washington DC, United States. Here that sicko you are being tracked now.
Thankyou so much Suppee, I appreciate you dropping by.
BP: Keep tracking him , funny how they don't realize we are so privvy to who they are ... Gotta Love it!!!:) Another sicko in the U.S. hoorraaay!!! I hope they don't close down SAN QUENTIN..lOL"_
Good thing AE is what goes round comes around, it's great these days how the police can track someones IP. Well he is gone now, he is not going to taint this beautiful page. Ahhh feel much better now.Thanks AE you the bees knees .xxxxxx
Hello Blondepoet:
I am new here and your post was the first one I read. I, like the others, think you are a very courageous and deeply honest person, as well as lovely inside and out. These are such wonderul qualifies that have helped make you into the woman you are today.
I am so glad you opened up to let a community of love into your heart.
I was saddned by your comment that you felt somehow responsible for what happened because you didn't listen to your father. Someone else's evil crime does not make your choices wrong ones. You just happened to at the wrong place at the wrong time. It could have happened anywhere at any time. Evil lurks in the powers of darkness, which is very real These evil men were out to destory whoever crossed their path, and it could have been anyone. This is not your fault!! You were an innocent young lady just being a teenager.
I don't know if you know the greatest father on earth -- Our Heavenly Father -- but He is the real mender of broken hearts and new beginnings where we may not understand all the wrongs in life, but we have renewed hope daily in the God-given gifts of life to renew and restore.
I am going to put a poem up that I wrote in the sad, confused moments of my life as I came to understand that poetry soothes the soul as does understanding why the unexplainable things that come our way have only meaning as we come to the knowledge of a very real God who brings beauty out of ashes.
Sending joy to your lovely soul!
Dear AgingtoPerfection thankyou so much for writing such a long response to me here. I really appreciate it so much. Yes it is so true what you say about how it was not my fault. It is so crazy,I never reported the crime for several days as I was so scared to tell my father believing I was responsible.Yes I do believe in God, I never really believed before this happened but I now know he was there, and his love for me saved me .It is a miracle I am alive, to be able to tell others, that no matter what you have been through you can take back what is yours,and live the life you were destined to live.Thankyou so much for such a beautiful message
Poet, life makes us who we are, Kudos to you for winning this challenge. You are a stronger person for it. Many can learn from your struggles, very inspirational writing. There are so many people in life, who sweat the small stuff, yet they do not know how lucky they are. You are one of us, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
I can see from reading your blogs, that there is a fun person, but also a very serious deep person inside.
One of my principles in life, which always keeps me going, is never to be a "Statistician" (Statties, don't take offence OK, see the humor in this)
A Statistician is someone who walks backwards into the future, while looking at the past.
I believe you have done the opposite, turned around, let go and living life for all it has to give.
Jellyrug, this really is a uplifting, beautiful message you have left here and I thank you so much. I will never be a Statistician, never, the longer you walk backwards, the further you have to move forward. You certainly are accurate on my two sides to my nature. I am a very deep person beneath, in a good way. Life is so short, you really have to let go of what holds you back and reach for whatever can make your life better. Thank you so much for reading my story and all the encouragement. HugZX
One of the most powerful piece of writing I have read, really felt your pain. I can't think of anything to say except I am glad you have become the lovely and talented person you are now. Take a hug x
BP, no words to say, just a big hug across the ocean from me to you
Thanks so much badcompany99 that means heaps to me. Writing this has meant a lot to me. Hugs to you too.xoxo
Hi Cindy, words aren't needed, your hug means the world. xoxo
"There are no fancy words in this story just the simple words that spill from my heart."
A heart is not simple, and you have chosen your words well. This is a very powerful work...from your video, to those you've selected, to how you've glued it all together.
I can only imagine the suffering and hurt you've gone through, but I am more pleased to see you work through your trauma with such zeal and awesome results.
I always try to see the positive in life, and as dark as the road the path was to make you write this...its done well to help anyone understand the destruction that lay in the wake of taking something nobody should ever take.
Sincerely,
G|M
GM, thankyou once again for your wonderful support.Every comment I have received on this story makes me feel mickey mouse. Your encouragement has really lifted my day,thanks again. :)
My dearest... Sad & traumantic as it was... Ironicaly my profile name is "men are dorks" Please dont be offended. I went trough a simmilar scenaio regarding my 11yr od daughter. She was 10 when it happened and as I'm sitting and typing my anger and disgust just swells... You are fortunate that tou survied and it seems that you are over it although the thought will always be threr, yes? You are a survivor and a winner and in yor own leaque.
Aww thanks men are dorks, well women can be dorks too lol. I am so sad to hear about your daughter, I hope to God she is ok....I am shocked. Yes the thought remains, it just does not hold pain no-more for me. (hugs)
Your are a testament to the book of Jeremiah 29:11. No matter what happens to us God's plan for our lives never changes - when we are willing to let go of things that hinder our relationship with HIm. It's tough but you proved that it can be done.
It must have been a difficult decision to share this powerful testimomy. Thanks to your bravery - you did and I am greatful.
Thankyou so much again jxb7076, yes it was very hard to even to be able to see that is what I needed to do,but once I did there was no turning back. It was a very difficult decision too, to be able to share it,as I had never spoke of it before and was a little nervous too lol
hi blondepoet i have read this and understand the hert and the long long road to getting past it but never forgetting that is the hardest thing of all , I know and understand very much as it happened to me my mothers boyfriend did that to me time and time again for about 5yrs and then being able to deal with it only in the future for it to happen again with my marrage which is no more now . so i can see how stronge you have become keep it up and all the best mandy
Aww isisD I am so sorry to hear that. How are you doing now? Is it getting any easier for you? (hugs)
i have been free for just on six months now and loving it heaps and iam talking to some one about it all and getting there . but i still have a long way to go but i will get there i have lived it so i will servive it . hugs mandy thank you
Isis I am so happy to hear that. You are just going to go forward and get stronger and stronger. It was the same with me, no matter what happened to us, we still got our spirit, and the spirit can be the most strongest thing in the world. I can see you flying like a bird your wings outstretched,above the whole world.You go girl you go.(hugs)xoxo
I still think this is the most powerful hub there is and one of the best written too. So poingnant Deb. luv ya much dear. xxx
Aww thanks C.C that means a hell of a lot to me. I love that birdy pic too heaps. SO adorable.x0x0x
Aww thanks C.C that means a hell of a lot to me. I love that birdy pic too heaps. SO adorable.x0x0x
um wow and omg. Your video made me cry, I am sure that was not what you were trying to achieve but it just brought tears to my eyes. You think you have been to hell and back until you a story like yours, it makes my life look like a cake walk. I honestly wish you all the best and you are a great writer, your pic. just doesn't portray this part of your life and it makes me smile to know you have moved past it and can move on. Best of Luck, in my prayers, dori
Aww fortunerep you have found my two saddest but hope filled Hubs. You know back then I have to admit,I was living in the deepest hell, the grieving, the suicides, was just so bad that I never want to go back there and it makes me feel proud that I have come so far and turned my whole life around into something magic. Your beautiful comments, I have most gladly received, thankyou.(hugs)
What a story...There are many bad, weird people out there, we all have to be careful, women and men too. It's so sad when someone is trying to take adventage of someone else...I hope you will be fine and will be able to forget what happened to you, if not forget, then I hope will be less pain. Wish you all the best in life. It wasn't fair to you at all and it's not your fault.
Dear Amber thankyou so much for taking time to read my story. It is indeed a pretty scary world out there...I will never forget but I have forgiven
I was deeply moved by your story the rest has already been said so much better than I could say it.
Thankyou so very much maggs224, just you being here is enough for me.Thankyou. :)
As an empath who wants to make everyone and everything whole, your story was both difficult and moving for me to participate in. You were/are such a mystery to me, with your androgynous avatar - much like the anime video here - and another facet of your personality: the boisterous presence you project in many of your comments on other people's hubs.
I see now why everyone finds you fascinating. I do, too. If I learned that you had come here from another galaxy to teach us through your poems and words and pictures, I wouldn't be the least surprised!
Bless you, blondepoet, in whatever way makes you feel the most blessed.
Hi Mindfield thanks for taking the time to read my story here. Firstly, I thank you for teaching me a new word today I went straight to google and typed in androgynous to see what it meant lol. I never used to be the way I am, far from it, in the darkest days, I was extremely pessimistic in everything I did.
I do thank God for the person I am today, I realise that there are some who may feel I am way over the top, I bubble over many a times, but I have a great heart for people, a song in my heart too and just say it as it is lol.There is no turning back for me. Thanks so much for your sweet words, that is a nice thought that I may be here from another galaxy, if that is true, then if I can touch just one who has strayed, then all is worth the joy I have laid. (hugs)
Mindfield this may explain the mystery of me as well lol http://hubpages.com/hub/Interview-with-a-Vamp
What makes me happy is that you are alive and full of joy now. You are valiant and have a purpose in life. *HUG ... the biggest one I've ever given anyone*
XOX
Awwwwwwww you are just the sweetest thing as I said before. I give you an equally huge hug back....xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
To think how close we came to losing you. Your talent makes the world a brighter place to live, now that I have read this story, all I can think of is how very lucky we are to have your poetry, and your warmth. If I were not already your fan, I would do it all over it again.
Dear Trooper that means the world to me it really does. You just brightened up my morning immensely. Thankyou sooo much. Love ya.(hugs)xoxo
Had a victim of rape as my patient but this time it was a man. Horrifying true story. http://hubpages.com/hub/Nursing-Story-Would-You-Su
Just had to become a fanof blondepoet. Amazing stories
Aww thankyou Greggy I just read your story and I have to quickly distract my mind to something happy, am feeling so sad after that. The poor man.
I know you've heard this so much, but I must say, thank you for choosing to write this. I know it is hard to let go like that. It is good to hear that not evryone gives up.
Thankyou so much dennisematt I am so glad now I did not give up, I would have missed so many wonderful things to out-shine those dark moments. :)
What a woman!!
I admire you so much Blondepoet, for what you've endured and thenovercome, in your life. Thank You, so much, for building this Hub and telling us your story. I know how difficult it can be to move forward from tragic experiences that life can deal out to us, but You have done it in spades little Princess. You have come SO FAR and with enough energy to help all of us work on our little problems, a lot better, with you sage advice and messages.
You are indeed, Awesome, Blondepoet, Awesome! :-)
Your new follower,
LarryB
Oh Larry your message to me is just awesome and has really lifted up my morning, I have a smile now as wide as the Equator lol. You have truly just inspired me all over again to keep moving forward thankyou so so much. Have a great day.(hugs)xoxox
You are one strong lady BP. To forgive, to move forward, to let go, these are the things that is so hard to do but you did it. I really admire you for that. Hope I can watch the video too but it is not available here in my place. Anyway I'm happy that you are happy now. =)
Aww thanks Charia I am sorry you could not view the video.. you are so sweet and I thank-you for your lovely comments :) :)(hugs)
This story and through the eyes of a child brought tears to my eyes, I am glad you survived and now can write about it, please see my hubs, I was a victim of a childnapping, rape and attempted murder. And I also survived as you have, my story will soon be a book,
Hi totallcowboy thank-you so much for your lovely comments and for taking time out to read my stories. I will head over and begin to read yours. :)
Good lord! For once I am at a loss for words. All I can do is wish you good luck, and I do believe in miracles too. :)
Aww thank-you QS you are a total gem, did the video work in your country? If not just email me if you would like to see it and I can send it, the video told more of the story than I could tell. I loves ya. xo
Hi blondepoet, I've seen you in the Forums and also read about the crazy trip with your friend (I'm still laughing)... but this is just a wonderful thing I'm discovering. A time to grief and a time to heal. What gave you such strength girl?
You see, you were alone on those dark moments but now, so many friends. You were right to choose to live. Thank you for the inspiration you give to others.
Oh thank-you so much RM for such sweet comments. I think it was at the point where I looked death in the face by my own hand that shook me up and scared me so bad, that at that moment, I realised I had to take a stand and I had something extremely sacred worth fighting for. You have put a huge smile on my dial thank-you so much (hugs)
Wow, Deb, I just saw your video and read the story. I am so sorry you were so alone for such a long time with that. No one should have to go through something like that... wow.... I am glad to see your videos, it shows your healing process and I am sure it will help lots of ladies, who might also deal with a rape issue. Thank you so much for sharing and letting other people learn, see and feel that healing is possible from such a trauma and that love does not disappear forever. A big hug =)
Hiya Ask Tess thanks a million for such a sweet comment I dearly hope it has helped someone else going through the same thing.xox
BlondePort,
You absolutely blew me away just after I was recovering from "Through a Child's eyes". God bless you; glad you not only survived but are living life to the full. Hugs and blessings a million.
Thankyou so much again Zenani,most people to look at me now would never guess the tragedies of my past. I dearly hope I can inspire anyone who has been through these things. Big hug xo
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FINALLY AFTER MUCH PROCRASTINATION THE TRUTH IS REVEALED There was much pressure placed upon my wee self to construct this eye-opening, hub bonanza. Indeed it was a gruelling chore to flick through numerous... - In The Pursuit Of Happiness
To live a happy life, we have to practice forgiveness, attire our spirit with a happy nature, treat others the way we would like to be treated, and look upon life as a test upon our inner strength.
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The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-By-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault
Price: $10.70
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Unstable
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Help Me
Price: $0.89
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Real Rape, Real Pain: Help for women sexually assaulted by male partners
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Trsmd says:
9 months ago
you have mentioned that "no part of this book" should not be reporduced.. I think all hubbers here are posting only pages.. but you have posted a nice Book.. Congrats..