The Ultimate Lap Dog

Everyone knows that dog is man's best friend, right? Sure, we all know that. That's probably why millions of us own furry pals. A lot of folks like to have a nice, sweet little dog sit on their laps. It provides a cozy feeling, and according to research, it can even lower blood pressure and reduce stress. In fact, many dog breeds were developed for that specific purpose - not to hunt game, kill rodents, or protect the castle - but just to warm the laps of ladies fair.

Sound good? Think you might want to invest in such a pooch? I have the perfect breed for you. No, it's not a Maltese or a shi tzhu or a pomeranian. I'm talking about a real dog. One that can really warm your lap and generate some heat. What you need is a Great Dane.

Don't mess around with those wimpy little breeds. If you want real heat, you need a canine that can create a lot of BTUs. Danes can warm the biggest of all laps. In fact, they can warm more than one lap at a time. Think of a Dane as a "family lap warmer." You could sit the entire family on the couch, and the giant furkid could, by stretching out a little, keep everyone warm. Just think of the money you'd save on heating costs this winter!

If you have a very large family, you'll need two couches and two Great Danes to ensure that everyone is covered adequately. You might want to keep a can of air freshener on the end table, though. Some Danes are prone to flatulence. Fortunately, mine aren't - but I hear that some are. Probably due to their affinity for burritos and tacos.

You'll also need a crowbar handy. Once these dogs get nice and comfy, they're difficult to budge. You'll be trapped beneath a 150-200 pound snoring beast, and it might take a large tool to pry yourself free. Another way to get the Dane to rouse is to keep some snacks close at hand. They love goodies. You'll have to throw the tidbit to a different location in the room, however, to get the would-be recipient to actually get up. They much prefer being hand-fed while they're reclining. Don't want to expend too much energy, you know.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention: While your much-adored Dane is snoozing on your lap, or on your collective laps, he'll expect you to stroke him while you're watching TV. They especially like for their head to be tickled and for their neck to be massaged. This is the least you can do to show your appreciation for all your Great Dane does for you and your family.

And what, exactly, does the Dane to for you? Other than keeping the whole family warm, he also serves as an efficient garbage disposal. Stale bread? He'll eat it. Leftover salad? Done. Old hotdogs? Gone in a single gulp. This system is much more efficient if you employ two Danes instead of just one. An only dog might be finicky and turn up its nose at those leftover green beans, but if you have two Danes, they'll eat anything to keep the other one from getting it.

The Dane will also offer superb protection for you and your family. You will never again have to worry about being attacked by savage squirrels or leaping lizards. The big boys (or girls) will take care of them for you. You also won't be bothered by those pesky door-to-door salesmen, Jehovah's Winesses, or little Suzie from down the street selling Girl Scout cookies. As soon as these behemoths hear a knock on the door or the ping of a doorbell, they immediately spring into action. And when the person or persons on the other side of the door hear those deep baritone, menacing barks, believe me - they quickly decide to move on to the next house.

Of course, the funny thing is that most Danes wouldn't hurt a flea. Were you to actually let the stranger inside your home, the dogs would try to make friends with them - as long as you were there and they saw that you were safe. But they just look and sound so ferocious!

Are Great Danes good pets? The best! Are they good inside dogs? You bet. They totally consider themselves family members, and they want to be near their human pack. They don't do well living outdoors. They like their creature comforts like air conditioning in the summer, heat in the winter, human beds, and television. Their favorite channel seems to be Animal Planet.