Married Couples Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms
81Married Life
Being brought up within a heavy catholic tradition, the marital bedroom along with the conjugal bed was part of my idea for a perfect marriage. I used to see with horror and sadness those couples who no longer shared a bedroom and had separate beds. With time, my views on the matter have changed and as I have met more and more couples who have healthy and loving marriages and do not share the same bedroom I decided to explore the reasons behind it.
Why would you want to sleep in separate bedrooms?
- For a better sleep. Sharing a bed with someone who snores, has restless legs, takes all the covers, brings work or food to bed and watches the TV until early hours in the morning is not easy to say the least. To have a good night sleep is not only essential for a person’s wellbeing, but it can also reduce the daily tensions in a couple. A person who has had a refreshing good nights sleep is ready to face the day in a good mood and cope better with the little problems of everyday life.
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- To break the routine. Having separate rooms allows the couple to be in need for each other making the time together more enjoyable. Think about it… you are in your room all alone and you are in the mood for love, it is not just a matter of going to your partner’s room and having a “quickie”. No; you start thinking about the scenarios, how to invite your partner to your room or how to make him invite you to his room. You prepare yourself for the encounter: you bathe, shave, cream, perfume… it becomes like a date where you want to look your best to leave a long lasting impression.
- To recover some of the freedom of being single. Having your own space can work wonders for your self esteem. Having your own room is not only a form of independence but I would say that it is a luxury that you are allowing yourself. Having your own private space you can recover your own self as you don’t need to think about the other person when you are there. If you like red and he likes black and you compromised in decorating your bedroom in green, having your own room brings both persons the independence of expressing themselves according to their own taste. Having your private space at home can be very relaxing. Respecting each other’s taste on decorating their own room is also a form of love.
- To love each other because you want to not because you have to. Having separate rooms to sleep together is no longer an obligation, it is a pleasure. You sleep with your partner because you want to and there is not better aphrodisiac than to feel wanted.
Are you married or in a long relationship? If yes,
Do you share the same bedroom and bed with your partner?
See results without votingThe disadvantage
The major disadvantage of sleeping in separate rooms is that your spontaneous sexual encounters disappear. Not longer you can take advantage of those unexpected “pokes” in the middle of the night.
Having separate rooms is not for every couple but for some it can bring a lot of satisfaction and a stronger relationship.
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HubChallenge Day 25th
Comments
You still going with the challenge Almost there I guess. Sometime a poke during the night is good other times not so good!
Exactly, sleeping in separate beds is not for every couple. Lots of couples are very happy sharing beds and that is great. But it does not mean that because you choose to sleep in different rooms there is something wrong with your couple. Thanks for sharing your experience Kebennett1.
LOL, I am so late with the challenge...I should have signed in for 30 in 60 rather than 30/30 LOL. I wonder when a poke is not good... I pesonally love mine every time barry ;-)
Good reasons. I certainly dont oppose to any of them although, I sleep with my husband every night. My friend on the other hand sleeps in a seperate bedroom from her husband and they seem to have a good marriage. What ever works...Thanks!
Thanks for sharing your experience Madison.
These are all great reasons. Everybody should look into it. Great informative Hub.
I just can't imagine sleeping in seperate beds n a regular... I can see from time to time.. but I can't make it a habbit... But I don't oppose anything that works to help your marriage.
We have musical beds in our house. It all starts normal, but then by 1 or 2 in the morning here comes: child 1, next child 2, next dad leaves because their is no room, next dogs jump on the bed, finally everybody is asleep.
I sleep with my husband every night unless I am sick, as i am now. he gets up very early and I don't like to bother him because I snore when my sinus problems act up.
Thanks Google Biz.
I think that is so cute of you mroricle1973.
I had overlooked the fact that sometimes sleeping arangements scape the couple's wishes. Thanks for sharing your experience cree88
That is very nice of you Christy, I bet your husband appreciates your gesture.
I think that if I ever marry or live with a lover again, I might want to go with this option. I've always shared the bed, shared the room, gotten a hard time over things I can't control like my snoring, restless leg, nightmares, waking up in pain.
I have every one of those physical problems. It's driven both of my previous partners crazy and may have contributed to the breakups.
The longer relationship, 13 years, I saw every trace of my personality erode from our living space over time. I did not get any privacy or have any independence. I came home to an apartment that hit me in the gut every time I walked in the door as barren and depressing -- my ex liked modernism, minimalism, a stark "cutting edge" modernist industrial look. So everything had to be black and white or industrial gray, there was no color except the occasional red accent.
That was one of several popular styles at the time. My ex was seriously into decorating and its consistency did have a certain flair to it -- but I felt as if I didn't live there. I was the one who clung to it and tried not to break up. That is a big part of why it all swung that far toward my ex and I got squeezed out, it was a codependent relationship.
I look at this and see that it may be a lot easier to avoid criticizing my partner's tastes or resenting my partner's tastes if she's got her own room and it can be 100% her way... and mine continues to be exactly what it is.
I would need my work area under my control anyway because I'm a writer, I use everything in it and have been too used to living and working in the same room. I might still do so even if I were prosperous enough to own a house, or try to connect my office and my room -- then get romantic and approach romantically when going toward my lady's chamber.
It could work a lot better in a number of ways. Custom is a funny thing. People put up with a lot in the name of it and interpret things in terms of culture. It's not rejection if she has her own room. It means she'll be well rested too and maybe a lot less resentful of my Clumping Around, my snoring, my nightmares, my restless leg, or the temperature the bedroom needs to be in order for me to sleep.
You've also mentioned enough practical reasons why I could explain this to her as a good idea without making it sound like I'm rejecting her or think her taste is awful. It's a matter of choosing what areas of life are personal and which ones are shared -- and there are other things in life besides the bed that definitely get shared when you are married or living with someone.
I know couples who have separate rooms and are very happy. All the couples I know like that are over 70 though, and sex is not the big deal it once was. I don't know any couple under 70 who have separate beds and are thrilled about it--although I believe they exist.
I think the key is having your own space SOMEWHERE in the house. My partner and I both have spaces in our small house that are each of ours individually, and neither of us dominates the decorating of the shared spaces. Respect for boundaries is the key to sharing a bed without wanting to strangle the other person. lol! That's my own opinion anyway.
In the past, whenever I moved out of my partner's bed that was a signal that the relationship was about to end. It never went very well after that. I love sharing a bed, but if you can't stand the person you are in bed with, that's a problem. :)
My husband and I have been together for about a year and a half and we sleep in separate rooms - on opposite sides of the house. We did try sleeping together at first but between his thunderous snoring and my nighttime acrobats (tossing and turning), neither of us would get a wink. We also get separate beds when travelling and I make sure to pack several pairs of ear plugs.
We are both much happier when we get undisturbed sleep!
I love it! I only wish my husband could get it, he snores so terribly I never get a good night sleep. Yeah for seperate bedrooms!
Great Hub!
I really wouldn't want to sleep apart. I think that it would turn the relationship from a marriage to more of a roomate arrangement. Given I really don't sleep much more than a couple hours a night, so I really don't bother her and she doesn't bother me, but I love having her there to sleep next to everynight.
Custom dictates that married couples should share a bed a bedroom, but that is not always practical. Besides it was not always like that, the French aristocracy used to have different bedrooms, having your own bedroom was a sign of luxury you can see this in most castles and French Estate houses, only the poor were forced to share their bedroom.
It can be difficult to put the idea forward to your partner without her/him feeling rejected, one needs to be very tactfull. Good luck Robert and thanks for sharing your experience!
Having your own space is a very important point pgrundy, thanks for the add. I think that if a couple wants to share a bed and a bedroom they should at least have their own private space in the house to keep sanity :)
Having separate bedrooms for a valid reason can improve a relationship but having separate bedrooms because you cannot stand the other person is definitely not good.
I saw this kind of a situation in one of the episodes of a TV serial (King of Queens). Although it seemed comfortable for exactly the same reasons you mentioned in the hub, yet, I wondered (when I watched the episode) if the couple gets into a habit of living without each other by sleeping in separate rooms / beds. It certainly has its own advantages but the downside is that the level of intimacy and emotional dependence on the partner decreases in a big way which in turn affects the matrimonial bond (not referring to live-in relationships). Enjoyed reading this hub.
LOL We sleep separately with my wife and are happy with that approach. Don't really see any of expected drawbacks. :)
It is encouraging to read that sleeping apart works great for you Simply Redd. Thanks for sharing.
I could not sleep with a snorer, it does not matter how much love or desire was in play, i just couldn't and it would drive me mad not to have a good night sleep. Thanks for sharing micheles_madness.
I think it is difficult to get used to the idea of separate beds. As I said, it does not work for every couple but those who do it should not feel left out or weird for their choice. Thanks bloodnlatex.
I think that there are couples who face this situation for many other reasons. For example if your man works in the North Sea oil business you will only see him two weeks in a month, the rest of the time you would be sleeping on your own anyway. I don't think intimacy decreases in these cases, on the contrary, the couple is happier to share their time toguether. Thanks for sharing anjalichugh, interesting point of view.
Happy to read that it works great for you Misha.
For once, I can agree with PGrudy. It depends on who you are sharing the bed with. I believe that the marriage bed should be shared and when it's over it is over and the first signal comes from the bedroom.
Thanks for replying to my post. I did not refer to couples who don't get to see each other because of work related issues. I meant couples living in the same house but sleeping in separate beds / rooms.
Let MotherBob set you striaght, never let your man go to bed without you, this is a recipe for trouble...What ever the problem is, it can not be that bad that you would not like to be under your love in the bed. Me and mine will never let that happen, that was one promise we kept true to the word the baby, and to the sex was to hot to miss when your not together all hot and bothered, and things lol. But one thing if let something like that fester to long then sooner or later another man or women will be in the picture and I'm serious about this one, never let another party into your bedroom, no matter what, always keep the sex spicy and hot and the madness short and sweet. MotherBob
It is great to have all these mixed opinions on whether it is healthy or not for a marriage to share a bedroom.
What you say is true in many cases lindagoffigan, but then why do those couples keep married rather than divorce?
Thanks to you for commenting and sharing your opinions anjalichugh.
LOL... I see you are very set on your own ways MotherBob, I do not think it is that tragic (any more) to have separate bedrooms... but then, I am IN for adding spice with third parties... if agreed ;-) Thanks a lot for sharing your advice with us.
Greetings, I'm putting my two cents in! MotherBob is right on the money! My husband snores with an echo, he has sleep apnea. I found our solution was for me to go to sleep, in the same bed, before him and after intimacy.
We've slept in the same bed through our own children and now our 6 year old grandson who will wake up in the middle of the night to weasel in the bed.
We have a 4-bedroom house and he started watching movies late into the night and started sleeping downstairs. I allowed it to go on for a few weeks and made my disagreement to it known. Believe me when I tell you when your spouse moves out the bedroom for reasons other than sickness and snoring something is up. They are for some reason pulling away from you. All those happy couples living in separate bedrooms are happy because they no longer have to sleep with the person that they are tied to! All the happy married, sleeping in the same bed HOLLA! LOL!
Thank for hubs.
I understand your point of view but I have just one question Lady Summerset: Making your disagreement known to your husband wasn't a way of "forcing him" back to the marital bedroom?
A good, interesting read! I am married, and as I started reading this hub, I thought to myself, "only a marriage in trouble would result in separate rooms..." You showed me how that can be far from the truth. I don't think it would work at all with my wife and I, but now I have more respect for those that have a happy marriage and sleep in different rooms.
I do not think people who sleep in separate beds are happily married. Why not separate apartments or why live together at all; except it helps with expenses?
It isn't my business but I can't believe they are truly happy if they sleep apart. When they get old and die on each other what will they miss about each other?
To: Anath:
Question: "Making your disagreement known to your husband wasn't a way of "forcing him" back to the marital bedroom?"
Answer: Marriage, as I often tell couples, is not for the weak. Spouses have ways of hiding issues and making it seem as if everything is alright when it isn't. Any woman who found out that their husband was cheating realize before or after the fact that there was some "change" that took place and leaving the marital bed or arriving at unusual times to it is a "RED" flag.
My attitude towards it was simply this: It was a move that 1. Was not agreed on and 2. Knowing my husband I knew there was an issue. The issue was our grandson who is six and prefers to sleep in "our" bed. My husband felt that he was "teaching" me a lesson by "boycotting" the marital bed! LOL!
If I've dealt with his snoring tornado for 10 years and he left the bed without explanation, there was a problem. Now, on the issue of "force" all DIVAs that know how to handle their "business" need only remind the wavering spouse that to all negotiations there is a little give and take, this I did while dropping my red patent leather 4"-inch heel on the floor...what a pity...where is that other red shoe?...All is well in this bed!...Shut Up! ;)
Wow, great answer Lady Summerset; thanks for coming back to answer my question, coming from a lady who has been married for ten years it deserves all my respect. BTW, I like your DIVA attitude :)
That is a good point healthgoji, maybe some people would prefer to keep their own houses. I have a friend who built two houses in his land, one for him and one for his wife. I wonder how things are working out for him?
There seems to be quite a number of people affirming that sleeping in separate bedrooms works great for their couple, Steve R McDowell, while others think that separate beds is the first step towards a dying relationship. At the end, whatever works FOR YOU is the best thing to do, regardless of what other people might think or say.
To: Anath,
I'm new to this hub thing, didn't realize that you asked the question but I can tell your high ranking on the DIVA-licious list!
Love this HUB! Great conversation, your politically-correct and kind in your comments! As you know, I'm a FAN!
Thanks Lady Summerset, more than politically correct I do try to be respectful to other people's opinions as I know that what works for one does not mean that it will work for everybody.
I find this topic fascinating. As I said, as a young girl I found sad the fact that a married couple slept in different bedrooms, now I understand better why some of them would want to do so and I can see the many advantages to doing it. I would really like to hear more opinions about those people who sleep in different bedrooms and be reassured that it can be a good move for a couple.
hi, i m new here!
life is good when u are sharing topics with your hubby and that takes out frustrations.
My wife snores and I want to suffocate her at least once a week. I used to go into the guest room when she was really sawing some logs, but now that I have two children...no more guest room.
Now I have to sleep with her every night and long for the solitude of a quiet and private room.
WOW, I would have to say why be married and not want to sleep by the one you gave those special vows to... If a married couple is unable to sleep in the same bed non the less look at each other it make you wonder, Can they even look at each other when they are bare?... I hate to hear when marriages fall apart or out of love...
41 years of marriage in the same bed, except for business travel or illness. She is an early-early; I am a late-late. Never has been a problem. Raised a family, shared space with kids and (of course) the cats. I think separate bedrooms would be pretty radical for a couple if both are healthy. I would regard such a move as the first step to a possible break-up. Just me being old fashioned, probably.
This is very interesting, being a gal from the South, raised with a very strict diet of Southern Baptist preachers. I would have to say, all of the comments make a lot of sense. The one thread that is common in all the responses: "what ever works for you." I think the two parties must truly agree to the arrangement. Care must be given to the red flags that may arise from the decision and too acknowledge the challenges it will bring. Necessary steps to ensure that the relationship is not endangered by complancency that normally accompanies our human nature. And that is all I have to say about that.....
As a dairy farmer, I have to get up between 4 and 4.30 every day and try to be in bed by 9 pm
My wife is a theatre manager. She usually goes for a meal, or a drink with colleagues after the show and then she has the best part of an hour's drive home. She seldom gets home before 2 am and usually gets up at about 10.30 am
Not surprisingly, we find separate rooms work for us and have done for the past 20 years, since she started working for a repetory company
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It is nice hub.
Thanks
Well my significant other snores, passes gas and leaves the television on all night. He won't change. I don't sleep in the same room as him any more. How can I? I know he has intimacy problems. I've just accepted it, but it is harmful to my self esteem. I also find it embarrassing because my kids are aware of what is happening. BTW, I don't have a bedroom of my own. I have to sleep on an old sofa. He gets the king-sized bed. So much for love and marriage and happily ever after.
Hi, Anath! Very informative hub you got here. It can be arranged if my wife-to-be and I will undergo such kind of arrangement, separate rooms that is. You see when I'm tired from my work, it is inevitable not to snore. Being married is knowing all the secrets, good or bad habits, of your partner.
Hi Reena Moryani, thanks for commenting.
That is a very difficult situation, I bet you are in an awful mood in the mornings Adam. Worst of all, I imagine that the issue is a very sensitive one so if you ask to sleep in different bedrooms your wife might feel rejected.
I think you might have a different point of view if you have to share your bed with a loud snorer or a restless legged partner Darling-Nikki. Sleeping in different bedrooms doesn't always mean less love or that you cannot stand your partner; for some couples it is just a matter of comfort and respect for the other's rest.
Oldfashioned or not it has worked for you, so why change denoonan? Thanks for sharing your experience.
Thanks for the insight southern gal.
That is a very good example Warrandhill, thanks for sharing.
To get some sleep. Sometimes people who are compatible have very different sleeping habits and/or have jobs that require them to be up at different times.
Great hub. I actually read article the other day that stated as much as 46% of married couples actually do not live together.
I found this hub to be very interesting. My husband has MS and sometimes we sleep in the same bed and sometimes he sleeps on the couch as he is up later than me or he can't fall asleep in the bedroom. I don't see anything wrong with having separate bedrooms if you are marrie----different things work for different couples!
Fantastic hub, I don't think separate rooms, but I totally think separate beds. My 'better half' and I have always agreed that two beds in one room would be best. Her and I just need a bigger bedroom first! Again, good hub
Great hub, but Im hoping my husband doesnt see it otherwise he might suggest it as I hardly ever sleep straight thru the night without waking up, and in turn I also wake him up! So, he will probably think this is a great idea!
Interesting Hub- I see you are doing the 30 Hubs in 30 days too. My wife and I sleep separately because she is such a lite sleeper that we can't even sleep in the same room if she is to sleep at all. It is not ideal but in our case it is a necessity. There is a bit of independence gained but I'm not sure that that is a good thing in a relationship, but it is not fatal.
Thanks for the link sandra.
You are welcome sumon6.
I am sorry about your situation joan. Sleeping in separate bedrooms can be good for a couple but ONLY if there is equality and both persons have their own bed and space and they are respectful and happy with the situation. Sleeping in a sofa is not my idea of a good situation.
Maybe you could try some of the snoring medicaments travel_man1971. I don't know any of them or whether they work or not but might be a good idea.
That's right MikeNV, having incompatible sleeping habits does not need to be the end of an otherwise good relationship.
Really OhKathryn?
That's it, different things for diferent people. Also, having separate bedrooms does not mean that you cannot share a bedroom whenever you feel like it :)
A bigger bedroom or bunk beds EWealthGuide LOL. It reminds me the time I went out with a boyfriend and we only found a hotel with single bunk beds, it was and amazing experience,(I should write a hub about all the different ways to make love in a bunk bed!) one of the best nights out with him :)
I won't tell him awesomeness79. I promise.
It is a matter of balance, isn't it GreenMathDr.?
It is not a good sign for marriage, in the end it leads to separation. Two people living in same house, but do not share any feelings, it all leads to extra marital affair and divorce.
Thanks for sharing your opinion karmadir.
My partner is also a light sleeper but I have learned over time to try not to wake her if I get up during the night.
I hate nights when she may be away from home for some reason as we both love snuggling up together at night.
that's so cute randommemories!
Ha ha,
Don't tell my guy friends I said that ;)
LOL, I love my husband and I love my together time with him, but I would love the separate bedrooms but WHO CAN AFFORD IT..lol NOT ME.
This would suck..... couples that don't play together don't stay together. Alot of people do this and the adultry rate is around 80% so do the math!!!!!!!!
I have been sleeping on separate bedroom with my spouse for the past 20 years or so. We ocassional bump into each others bed.This add flavor and joy into our sextual desire and attraction. My spouse has confessed to me several times that whenever I bumped into her in the middle of the night, she feel thrilled,excited,joyful and happy.
I fell same when my spouse bumped to my bed any time of the day. I felt wanted and appreciated.
We always have 3 or 4 bedrooms. Our Kids preferred mum bedroom to Dads anyway. Sonetimes when she luck me out for good reason, I felt misserable and unhappy but I understand.
timberland boots Your blog has some fresh ideas that I have never seen in others’. I can learn a lot from them.
I just can't imagine sleeping in seperate beds n a regular... I can see from time to time.. but I can't make it a habbit... But I don't oppose anything that works to help your marriage.
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I read your blog,and what I can feel, is that you are promoting couples to sleep in separate rooms. I do not agree with you at all, because and I have noticed and by other blogs,that many couples think this is the best solution for, freedom and more. But I ask everybody, where are the emotions? where is the affections? not the sex, what impression you will give to your children? How you transmitting affection to your kids?
I think, and this is my opinion and based on my own experience, the worse and big problem now on this times is that people don't think in "love" affection, that is why we all in some cases are in troubles.
If there are problems with snoring for example, that is a medical reason and should be treated by the doctor, but to be sleeping in separated rooms is not a solution for any situation unless, the love is gone. To finish my comment in this case, I strongly believe that couples should sleep in same room until the couple want to be together, and that is the affection that it matter, that is all.
No reason to look for separate rooms if you are happy sharing the same bed and room keverp. I am glad for you that you are happy that way.
Where did you get your statistics rad007? In any event I am certain that unfortunetly, sleeping in the same bedroom does not stop adultery. I know many "guilty" people who go back to snugle up with their partner right after they have been with someone else :-(
Thanks for sharing your experience hybridway.
I am not promoting anything Shirley. For a start I am conscious that each couple is a world and what works for one might not work for another one. I do not like to force my opinions but I do like to see the feedback in here both for and against sleeping in different rooms. If I started this post with one idea, now I am more aware that sleeping in separate rooms only works for some people and when it works it does really well. However, there are persons who would never accept this kind of deal. Both groups deserve all my respect.
---------------------------------------------
ps. please guys, stop leaving comments with links that are not relevant to the topic. Thanks.
For a better sleep.
I think it is better for sleep for tomorow
b-funny.net
When people sleep in different beds, it is because one partner is being authoritive or dominant of the other and the other wants an escape
Aww, it seems sad if a married couple won't share a bed. I hope when I'm married I find someone who'll cuddle up with me always!
We start out in separate beds because of her snoring, but generally whoever awakens first during the night climbs in bed with the other. We like waking up with each other.
To get a good night sleep is certainly a very good reason to sleep in separate beds, splum.
I don't think that is right lela, but then, that is your opinion, thanks for sharing it.
I used to think like that stricktlydating, at least until I met couples that seem to ve very happy sleeping in separate beds.
That's cute Charles :)
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Kebennett1 says:
3 months ago
To each his own, but I have been married for 23 years and I love sleeping with my husband and can't stand night's away from him, nor he I. We will not be moving into separate rooms any time soon! God joined us together and we love it that way!
Great informative Hub, posing an interesting point of view!