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How Do Be A Bad Driver

Updated on December 10, 2013
yeah baby...
yeah baby...

We all see others on the roads every day pushing other people around. They've got everyone’s eyes on him or her with their inconsiderate actions. Do they make you jealous? Did you ever want to be just like them? Well now you can. With his helpful guide, I’ll teach you to be the worst driver you can possibly be, all while boosting your own self-esteem. Even if you’re a bad driver already, we could always use a refresher course to stay at the top of your game.

Getting Your Vehicle Ready

Before you ever get on the road, make sure the thing that makes you go…that’s right, the engine is up to specifications. It doesn't matter how loud it already is, make it louder. Now I’m not talking about how powerful it is, just the noise. If you’re going 30 or 80 mph, it should still have the ability to rattle the eardrums of a deaf man. Imagine the RPM as in the red area at all times. If the horsepower of the engine or your own wallet limits you, another effective way to attain a large amount of sound is the tailpipe. The ones that can normally be seen on old Honda Civics with body kits and sound like grandpa’s finger is constantly being pulled.

The stereo is another important part of this ensemble. Again, decibel range is key. Install a sub-woofer large enough to take up the back half your vehicle. Now turn on the car just long enough for your music to come on. Turn up the base so you can’t hear anything else but that. Does that deep base completely cover up the lyrics, instruments, or anything else resembling music? Perfect. Now break the button/knob off of the console; you won’t be needing that anymore. Now all will hear you coming from a mile away, just the way you want it…even if they don’t.

I hope this is loud enough
I hope this is loud enough

Now you can concentrate on the outward appearance. Get all your windows tinted so dark that you can barely see out of them yourself. The desired effect is getting people to wonder who’s inside. It might be a famous person like Lindsey Lohan or a Jersey Shore member. Next, the headlights. You need to find the brightest ones imaginable. Just because it’s nighttime doesn't mean you’re not going to be noticed. You could rummage through the storage area near a lighthouse. Or if you’re not near a coast, many police stations have large spotlights on their roofs. Batman can be signaled another time. I know what you’re thinking, “Aren't there laws prohibiting how dark tinted windows and how bright headlights can be?” And you’d be right, but those are for people that aren't nearly as important as you are.

There are a few extra opportunities for bonus tough points if you've purchased a truck. Raise the truck ten times more than it should be for the chassis you have. Also, remember to purchase absurdly large tires to compliment your height. You’re no longer just above the general population in your own mind figuratively, but now, literally.
And as a cherry on top, or in this case balls, buy a large rubber scrotum to hang off the tailgate. If you’re going to drive around inside your manhood, mine as well drive a complete package. Someone once told me this was “ironic,” I don’t get it.

I know, I'm embarrassed too...the truck isn't nearly high up enough.
I know, I'm embarrassed too...the truck isn't nearly high up enough.

Behind the Wheel- City

Let’s start with your own neighborhood or city. Don’t worry about distractions. Play with your radio, talk on your phone, and text. If everyone else is worried about “defensive driving” somebody has to be on the offensive right?

Stop signs for you are optional. It’s more of a yield…oh wait, we don’t do that either. Just slow down long enough to make sure there are no cops around. Other people should of course stop. Get mad and beep/flip them off if they don’t. Now hit that gas had and screech your tires a little to show them who’s boss.

You’re driving on a major road and a car’s in front of you going slightly slower than you are. What do you do? Well pass them aggressively of course. Don’t worry about your turn signal, we never need to use that, ever . Get as close to them as you possibly can and jerk your wheel, almost clipping their bumper in the process. After you've successfully completed your pass, jerk the wheel again in the opposite direction and cut them off abruptly…causing them to hit the brakes to avoid collision. That’ll teach them to go slightly slower than you wanted to go. If you look back and they’re showing disapproval, they’re just jealous of you.

You’re coming up to a traffic light you see turning yellow. You’ll want to decelerate slowly. Fight that urge. Wait until you’re almost up to the car stopped completely in front of you and brake hard. Don’t worry, you probably won’t hit anyone. They’ll learn to fear you and get out of the way eventually. When the signal turns green and the cars in front start to move, slam your foot on that gas again and screech away. Then bask in the glory of all that attention. Yes!

would you like to get a cup of coffee?
would you like to get a cup of coffee?

Behind the Wheel- Interstate/Highway

Once you find your exit ramp, wait until the last minute to merge from the road you’re on, cutting in front of someone else with the insight to get in the lane a little earlier. And yes, hit that gas hard and screech away, they call it the acceleration lane for a reason! Come up fast to others in front of you in the merge lane and make them uncomfortable too, it’s your road...not theirs'. Just go ahead and merge onto the highway whenever you like, remembering not to use your turn signals.

The speed limit is just a number and the speed of traffic is just an illusion. Go at least 20 mph over the limit. I love the interstate; there’s so much room to do whatever I want. Bullying others to move into the adjacent lane by coming up on them as if they’re sitting still is just so fun. Trust me, it is. In the rare instance they don’t get out of your way, make a point to again pass them way too aggressively/cut them off. Will they ever learn? Better hit that gas pedal again as an exclamation point and leave them in your dust.

Arriving at Your Destination

Wasn't that more fun than driving by the “rules” and “common decency?” It’s not over yet. Parking is a way to show your superiority without ever having to be in your vehicle. Use it to your advantage. If you can, find a car parked by itself. If you can’t, just find a car to park next to. Put yourself all the way in the right of your parking space, almost in the space next to you. That way, you have tons of space to swing your door open, while at the same time, making it almost impossible for the owner of the other car to open theirs. Now you can go buy some Ed Hardy t-shirts or whatever you were planning on doing. And have fun thinking that when you get back in your truck/car/suv, you get to do it all over again on the way home!

the force is strong in this one...
the force is strong in this one...

**The above article is a parody. I do not share the beliefs mentioned here, and nor should you. There are other types of bad drivers, but most fall under the category of ignorant. The above type chooses to disregard anyone but him or herself. Also known as a d-bag.**


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