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Welcome to my 100th Hub on Hubpages

Updated on March 23, 2011

Welcome to my 100th Hub on Hubpages

Welcome to my 100th Hub on Hubpages. Welcome, Wilkommen, Benvenido, Bienvenu, Benvenuto etc. etc. etc. That should cover quite a few folk. Here it is then, for what it's worth. My 100th Hub on Hubpages.

It would've been sooner but I sent the computer to hospital for a check up and a rest. It now has improved memory and faster reflexes. I am going to book myself in next week as it sounds like a good idea for me as my memory is not as good as it used to be.

What was I talking about. Oh yes! Memory not so good. Neither are my reflexes, apart from the elbow bending action or the 'look busy when the Boss enters the office' action. Perhaps the wear and tear of all that elbow-bending has wore out my memory, but I now drink organic beer whenever I can so I am more health conscious. In fact I drink lots and lots of organic beer to maintain my present state of health. Or whatever state I may be in. Although I'm sure my head's in Mississippi as they say.

Adsense and Sensibility

I have really enjoyed my first 15 months on Hubpages, especially taking the opportunity to offload the incomprehensible junk that inhabits my brain.

It all started off with an eloquent tribute to the historic city of Venice and went downhill from there. I was hoping that by dumping my neuron-fodder on here I may be left with more room for some sensible thought processes. It hasn't really worked out that way so I think there is still a whole lot of refuse in there that needs to be poured out onto these pages. Please don't say you haven't been warned.

But whoever said "where's there's muck, there's brass" obviously wasn't talking about me. So far my 100 hubs have averaged about 0.55p each on Google Adsense. I can't even work out what that equates to in an hourly rate as it wouldn't even register on the scale. My next Hub might well be entitled 'How Not to Make Money on Hubpages' which of course will earn me about 0.02p. But thanks to the good folk who bought some useful products from Amazon from my pages, at least I can now say I am a Marketing Associate and it looks good on the CV.

An especial thanks to the person who bought 20 Le Creuset Stoneware eight-ounce Mini Round Cocottes, whatever they are. Also the keen gardener who bought 20 packets of Royal Blue Passsion Flower seeds and a big 'grazie mille' to the music-lover who bought the 'Secondo Tempo' CD by Luciano Ligabue. It was satisfying to know that someone else out there appreciates the brilliance of the Italian rock icon.

But yes, the 100th Hub is some kind of landmark and I'm quite proud to have reached it. "So what do you want?" asks Dick Dastardly "D'you want a medal?" Yes please. I think I'll get one pinned to my page, I did when I hit 50 Hubs a few months ago. "Gimme, gimme, gimme" says Muttley. But will I get a telegram from the Queen (That's the Queen of Great Britain and the Commonwealth for all you international readers out there) for that would be most welcome from a loyal subject like me.

But what about the poor Queen? Who thinks of her and who will send her greetings when she hits the hundred. She's 84 now you know and she might well make the century after a good innings. But who will send her a telegram on her 100th birthday? What happens then? Such a shame if she wakes up in expectation on that special day in 2026 and the maildroid hasn't delivered her e-gram through the electrobox conveyor. I hope all you good British subjects all over the world will each send her a big card. One of those saucy funny ones with a cartoon of a naked royal in suspenders and fishnets with big busty substances on the front. Then when you open it up a little jingle inside plays 'God Save the Queen' by the Sex Pistols.

It's just a thought.

I sentence you

Let's quickly move on. Now! I'm writing this just before the next sentence. I am now writing the next sentence. Sorry, I meant to say I am writing 'this sentence' referred to as the 'next sentence' in the previous sentence (or to be exact the sentence before the previous sentence if you know what I mean). Nevertheless 'this sentence' was indeed referred to as the 'next sentence' in the first two sentences of this paragraph, which I hope clears up matters for you. Lets move on to another paragraph.

Here is the new paragraph, I'm glad that you could join me. However by the time you read this it will be an old paragraph and a finished product, therefore you have missed out on the birth and development of a new paragraph in my life. I was going to say this is a new chapter in my life but I don't read many books these days. This paragraph is now going to end before it loses its marbles completely but at least it had a good time and did become a full paragraph. But this is the difficulty you know, how do you define a paragraph? How many lines must be written to qualify a piece of text as a paragraph. One line can't be enough, even two doesn't seem sufficient. Maybe three then, I don't know, what do you think? It may be enough but it's still a grey area as my Hairdresser keeps saying to me. I know he's joking but he likes to give me a fright now and then. But this becomes a self-fulfilling phrophecy as the more frights he gives me the more grey hairs I get. Apparently he has a backlog of Grecian 2000 in the stockroom he wants to get rid of. So its in his interest that he scares the customers. Mind you the prices he charges would turn your hair white. Why have you got me talking about hairdressers then? Please stick to the subject, use glue, cellotape or blue-tak if you have to. Then again was there a subject? Just wait a minute until I rewind quickly back through the text and have a look see ........... kqhipihnhzdahyeeqezhhh^aalldzshhsqalll*aaesksiazikjdldkldikzfjncbcvxekeqoekksnceeoieinqunbzaqaolkpmuiejeusdjdjjfmnxvvosdeqoasaalmxonfciedh&~bofozgozofdlqdjeje+jexeedevieoxokoo#koo@biffigihexe~gamkdkj.fffozoomhihihi>jaxaqa.............Nope! There doesn't seem to be a point to this communication at all. Oh no!!!! the Internet police have just informed me that this paragraph has now become a chapter. I do rumble on don't I? Apologies for that. However I can now say with pride that I have just completed a new chapter in my life. I'm glad you were here to enjoy it with me. Not only my 100th Hub but a new chapter too. What a great day this is.

Life's great imponderables

Well how are you all then? If that's not too personal a question........well it is, isn't it?....isn't it not? it isn't.....isn't it? But I truly hope you all the Christians among you had a very Merry Christmas, or else a Happy Hannukah or whatever else applies. Apologies to the Jehovah's I forgot to wish you seasons greetings back in August. Or is that the 7th Day Adventists or Russian Greek Orthodox? I obviously haven't a clue. But I wish you all a Happy New Year whenever that comes as I believe the Chinese are a bit behind the rest. Life is indeed full of uncertainties so I'll just say all the best chummies whoever you may be.

That gets me thinking about other great imponderables and conundrums. Like, it just occurred to me that wasn't it lucky that Simple Simon met a pieman. If he had met a Jehovah's Witness or a time-share salesman then the nursery rhyme wouldn't have worked. But there is always other options of course. Paul Weller could have met a tree-feller or Flash Gordon, a traffic warden. There's this weeks competition from the Shinkicker Show. I've given you the first couple of lines, you fill in the rest. On a similar theme what if Little Jack Horner had fell in the bath or Little Miss Muffet sat on the cat. It would have changed the tide of history.

Return of the super-duper hero

Unfortunately the cloudburst over the horizon was beyond my periphery but Superman flew down and said he saw the whole thing. So I shot him, which disproves one advertising slogan. But he survived with only flesh wounds as my shooting isn't up to scratch. Last I saw him he was chasing after a speeding train which he didn't manage to catch. Once again he didn't live up to the hype. I must have slowed him down a trifle before he desserted the scene. Maybe the train left early to catch up later when it might be running behind schedule. But if it went too fast too soon then it would be far too early at the stations and would have to reverse back to arrive on time. However, commuters may then think that the train is going in the other direction, until they see the conductor walking backwards. Explain that one Stephen Hawkins!

Not that I was ever particularly impressed by Superman and his ilk as my favourite superheroes are cut from a stranger cloth. That's because they all wear outrageous costumes you see.

My favourite has to be the Prince of Darkness himself Count Dracula. He can metamorphisise into a bat, he can fly and apparently he can also walk through walls too. On top of that he's a great hit with the ladies and into long-term relationships.

I met him in Italy and really got on well with him although he was a bit of a nighthawk.

But my heroes can be mere mortals too like Henry VIII who was larger than life and got larger every day and Rock guitar hero Ted Nugent another larger than life character who gets madder every day. Talking of crazy there's my favourite drummer Animal from the Muppets who was afforded a well-earned TV tribute by his peers.

And now here’s Tom with the weather

Sorry for going off at a tangent there although there may have been a tenuous link between Flash Gordon and Clark Kent. At least we're enjoying good weather again here in Scotland, temperature-wise that is. (I'm off again). Because it's wet and windy after a month of f-f-f-freezing temperatures. But these inflatable clouds are liable to burst at any time so it's dodgy filling them with water and flour. But the next time it appears to be snowing you can gather up as much as you can and bake some bread. Eat the weather! Or perhaps you could make snowballs with jam in the middle instead of bits of gravel with which to knock people out. A fast-food delivery straight to the mush.

It's an ill wind that gathers no moss as they might have said and nobody loves when you're down and out. But if you are up and in then you can certainly begin because that's the bees knees or the wasps elbows whichever way you cook it.

Anyway spring will soon be upon us once again so be of good cheer. The sun will be shining, the air will be fresh, the day's longer, the rain warmer. Flowers will be blooming awful, and the little lambs will be gamboling through the fields and meadows until the day arrives when they become fully-fledged doner kebabs ("with salad and sauce, please"). What a way to end up, your only destination in life to be thrust inside a warm piece of stale pitta bread and have damp cabbage thrown all over you.

Celebrity salad

"But what a waste of good cabbage" you say. Yes I heard you you know, my ears are well-equipped for hearing things. That's why I had them attached to my head in close proximity to most people's mouths, or their fists depending what I happen to say to them. Though my poor old ears are not too pleasing to the eye. Big lobes and protruding hairs. So I cover them with a shaggy haircut and only let them out at night.

Well the only good cabbage is a dead cabbage as far as I'm concerned. Chop them up to smithereens and scatter them everywhere or they'll take over our green and pungent land. Certainly 'The Day of the Triffids' would be nothing compared to the horrors that the 'Attack of the Killer Cabbage' would inflict. I'm sure Hollywood would've made a B-Movie out of that, very nice served with Killer Tomatoes and a dollop of Blob.

Excuse me. Sorry! Must dash - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Aaaahhhh!! That's better.

Are you still here? I admire your perseverance. Thank you for sticking with it but 'that's all folks' as Porky Pig would say as I'm going to end this literary debacle. Got to write more Hubs you see and watch the pennies trickle in. This time next year I could be a millionaire if someone buys me a lottery ticket.

Ciao!, Tschus!, á bientot! etc. etc. etc



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    • viking305 profile image

      L M Reid 

      8 years ago from Ireland

      Enjoyed reading your hub, great fun. Keep up the good work and congrats!

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 

      8 years ago

      Beautiful! "I could be a millionaire if someone buys me a lottery ticket." Yep! Me too! Congrats!

    • Paraglider profile image

      Dave McClure 

      8 years ago from Kyle, Scotland

      That's good fun, and you got to the 100 a lot faster than I did. Keep 'em coming...


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