About to Finally Reach a Million Views and I Can't Care About It

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   Kylyssaposted 7 years ago

   Reaching a million views on HubPages has taken me a very long time. It hasn't been as easy as reaching such a milestone on an article in an online magazine or on a niche or business website, so that should really make it feel like much more of an accomplishment. It doesn't, though. Really, nothing does since my recent losses and their stirring up of many, many old ones.
   
   A major publisher recently picked up an article I have on HubPages for inclusion in an anthology to be published around the world and they're sending me a check for $1500 as an advance on the royalties. That doesn't feel like an accomplishment, either. I got the email, stood up from my chair and yelled, "Hey, Cyrille, guess," before it hit again that she was gone. For almost two full seconds, my brain jumped to the person who would have cared, would have been proud, forgetting for an instant she was dead.   
   
   Immediately afterward, I got an offer to show a series of paintings on poverty. It just made me cry, even though I've always wanted someone to just call what I do art sincerely, even without a show. But what good are these things?
   
   I've faced many losses, but somehow, I forget how to live again and how to feel happiness again every time. I think maybe it's taking so long because I haven't faced a summer without her yet. Summer was her time. I see it coming and I can't see any point to summer without seeing her joy in it.
   
   Please, help me remember why I should feel things that aren't pain. A million views on HubPages should feel good, but I can't feel anything. It's all just dust on my tongue.

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      theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Aw, Kylyssa, I'm so sorry.
      
      I can't tell you that you 'should' feel better. You feel what you feel. Neither can I offer you platitudes. Eventually, you'll find a small thread of less-pain inside and be able to pick it up and follow it.
      
      I was listening to a podcast about writing a couple of days ago, and the guy was talking about a Parkinsons sufferer (my dad has Parkinsons) who taught himself to walk again by placing one foot over a slipper that was about 6 inches away from his foot. He did that and then moved his other foot a little farther to the other slipper. Once he'd done that he realised that he could take one more step. The next day he did the slipper thing, took one step, then took another. It took him months, but each day, he could step a little farther until he could make it across the room by himself. That's what you have to do. Teeny-tiny milestones. One a day.
      
      Your achievements are fantastic, whether you feel like they are or not. From where I am, you are doing great. One day, they will mean something to you.

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         Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you. I logically know how this works because this certainly is not my first rodeo, but words from other people really seem to speak to my less rational side.

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      sallybeaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      It is a fantastic achievement and Cyrille would have been proud.  I don't think she would want to see you not achieve your dreams, one step at a time and here is hoping that the days ahead get easier.  Thinking of you.

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         Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         She would have been proud. She would have told random people on the street who didn't give a damn. She would have helped me find my joy. Thank you for trying to do what she would have. I appreciate it.

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      kenneth averyposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      @Klyssa,
      Hey, if I were to have 10,000 views or followers . . .I would NOT be typing this to you. I  would be yelling atop my house bringing my neighbors out from their houses wondering why I was yelling.
      Just you wait and see.
      And if I were blessed enough for someone to send me a check for $1000.00 for a story . . .I would go up again on the roof of my house, but NOT before I made sure that the check was legit.
      Congratulations-to-be, Klyssa!

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         Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you for helping me feel something positive can be real and that it should make me feel excited.

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      TIMETRAVELER2posted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Years ago a very dear friend of our family passed away.  She was someone I loved very much, and I was fairly young when she died.  I made up my mind that since she would no longer be able to live, love and enjoy life, that I would do it for her.  I also knew that by doing it, she would be happy.  So I did.  I have.  I still am.  I felt better the instant I discovered what I needed to do.  Maybe you should do the same.
      
      If there's one thing I've learned in life it is that those who truly love us would want us to be happy.  They would not want us to grieve and give up on ourselves.
      
      No doubt, the person you lost would feel this way too.

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         lobobrandonposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         Well said. I'm glad you're doing this, yourself.

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         Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         The thing is that most of the loving life and enjoying what I've worked for I've done for the last ten years was on her behalf. I'm finding it a lot harder now that I don't have her as my optimistic mirror reflecting everything good in me she could see.
         
         Thank you for reminding me that I'm still here, even if there's no one left to reflect my good parts.

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         Marie Flintposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         Excellent response, TimeTraveler2. This is the advice that works!

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      CatherineGiordanoposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain.You have accomplished so much. Finding a way to move on will be another major accomplishment for you. Remember, you have friends, even online friends, who are pulling for you.

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         Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         I needed this reminder today. Thank you.

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   Jesse Drzalposted 7 years ago

   Maybe you just need a little more time to reflect on it. It really is a great achievement, you should be very proud.

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you. I know I should and your words help.

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   louise-barracoposted 7 years ago

   That is amazing congrats

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you.

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   Scribenetposted 7 years ago

   Losing a loved one often make us think of the futility of much that goes on in life and it can be depressing. Grief takes its time. But remember what life would have been like if that person had never ever existed at all? Remember the joy they brought into your life; how they would want you to go on smiling and enjoying life. Life is miraculous, there is wonder everywhere. A mighty oak grows from a dried out small nut. How is that even possible? The cycle of life... everything  and everyone is a part of it. Remember the joy you had...let it heal you and enjoy your accomplishments...even if they are part of the ever changing scenery of life. No one moment is ever the same as the last. Thinking of you. Congratulations on your accomplishments.

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I know all those things logically, it's my heart that has a hard time hearing. Thank you for trying to speak to it.

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   jansharesposted 7 years ago

   Congratulations on reaching one million views, Kylyssa. Even if you can't right now, I'm celebrating this milestone for you.
   
   Only time can heal profound loss. The stops and starts are a part of the process. Just when you think you've progressed . . . boom! As if it were yesterday. Events, songs, dates, places, anniversaries, smells, and seasons make it difficult in the first few years. Sounds like summer will be the hardest for you but you'll get through it and begin to feel joy again, in due season. Peace be with you.

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I think we all know these things logically, but somehow, even after the second, third, or eighth time, new grief hits just like it was invented yesterday.
      
      I've suffered many losses of people very close to me, but I've never had anything good happen in my life shortly after a series of losses before. It's always been crap, crap, and more crap for a year or more after a loss. I expected holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries of special times to feel like broken glass in my chest, but it took me by surprise how painful it is to have something good happen so soon. She was so proud of me for being brave enough to write that article and she cried reading it. I think if it had been literally any other article it would have hurt less.
      
      Thank you for your perspective and sympathy.

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         chef-de-jourposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         That is some milestone, 1m, thank you for sharing your achievement. You've worked really hard to get your writing out there and I hope you continue to produce high quality articles well into the future, which is still there for you, ready to be filled with all things creative, nourishing and beautiful.

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            Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

            As an autistic person, this really means a lot. I'm rotten at expressing myself verbally and Hubpages is the only place online my most recent stalker hasn't bothered me, so this thread here is literally what I have for emotional support. Thank you.

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   Katy Preenposted 7 years ago

   I don't know you, but I know that you must be in terrible pain. You will deal with the grief in whatever way you need to, and there are no rules or certainties about that. I can only hope that you live with the loss in the best way that you can, and that your memories bring you some comfort.
   
   Well done on your accomplishments; they are something pretty special, but I know that they aren't at the front of your mind right now. Who knows when you will be able to celebrate them - but I wish you the best, and hope that you will be ok.

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Every little bit helps. Thank you.

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