Google Analytics Bafflegab

1. 95

   Rupert Taylorposted 6 years ago

   I received an e-mail addressed to "Dear Google Analytics Administrator" (I guess that must be me because I'm the only one here, although I was unaware I held such a lofty post) that required action.
   
   Something about GDPR was mentioned, without explaining what that is. My guess is God Damned Public Relations. It goes on to say "Today we introduced granular data retention controls that allow you to manage how long your user and event data is held on our servers." Granular? Like sugar?
   
   Then we have "Google Analytics will automatically delete user and event data that is older than the retention period you select. Note that these settings will not affect reports based on aggregated data." What in the name of the Buddha on a bicycle does that mean?
   
   There's lots more but I've developed a severe twitch in my right eye and there's blood pooling under my toe nails. Why can't they communicate in a language I understand? I simply can't decipher what action is required.
   
   They finish with "We will continue to share further information on our plans in the coming weeks ..." Oh please don't. My already wonky heart can't take any more of this.

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   1. 78

      TIMETRAVELER2posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I posted about this issue several days ago.
      
      What they're saying is that they're giving you a choice about how long your want your info to stay on their site.
      
      If you follow the directions they supply, you can then set up your timing.  If you do nothing, they'll make the choice for you.
      
      It was very confusing, but I finally figured it out.  I find that trying to squeeze tech info out of Google is like trying to put 500 pounds of  s__t in a 5 pound bag!

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      1. 95

         Rupert Taylorposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks TT2. I like the 500 pounds of soot analogy. It is soot you are talking about?
         The problem is that I simply cannot follow their directions because my mother tongue is English and Google's is not.

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2. 89

   theraggededgeposted 6 years ago

   I had it too. I think everyone has.
   
   Drives me mad. Why can't they communicate in plain English? I have no problems with words of more than two syllables, it's just the way they use them that is so irritating. Obfuscation again.

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3. 85

   NateB11posted 6 years ago

   Same problem here. Didn't even know what to do with it.

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4. 93

   jansharesposted 6 years ago

   Seems we are all in the same boat with this email from Google : Confused:
   https://hubpages.com/community/forum/33 … -analytics

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5. 95

   Rupert Taylorposted 6 years ago

   I was going to write and ask them to post a version in English but it's one of those "noreply" e-mails. Grrr.

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6. 91

   lobobrandonposted 6 years ago

   Well Rupert, thankfully you have someone who can translate Google to English right here on HP, and he's willing to help you out. Let's begin, shall we:
   
   People at HubPages, you do not use our services (google analytics) for retargeting ad campaigns, nor do you have the option to track conversions and sales through our services (google analytics). We have just released a new update as we do not want to store your user data on our servers forever. Instead, we want to delete it after, say 30 days? But don't worry we offer you the option to increase this to a longer time period. But why am I telling you this... It's irrelevant to you and so I take no offense in your snort bubbles while you fall asleep listening to me. Well then, I did my duty of telling you about some change that makes no difference to you. You need to do absolutely nothing, but if you want to play around with some stuff, we do have some new buttons for you to push.
   
   Hope that's good enough.  I must add, I'm not a certified Google to English translator. So forgive any minor discrepancies.

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   1. 89

      theraggededgeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      

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   2. 93

      Titiaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Good, reading your translation it seems I made the right decission when I hit the 'delete' button in my Mailwasher Pro.

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      1. 91

         lobobrandonposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         

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   3. 98

      DrMark1961posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Congratulations on a great translation. It is great to know we have someone around here that is able to deal with the soot that Google throws at us.

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      1. 91

         lobobrandonposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         The soot Soot is good, soot is carbon, carbon is life.

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         1. 98

            DrMark1961posted 6 years agoin reply to this

            Totally agree. I collect soot from my horses and sheep almost every day to add to my compost pile. Not sure if I want anymore sent through my computer though.

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            1. 91

               lobobrandonposted 6 years agoin reply to this

               Hahaha

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   4. 95

      Rupert Taylorposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Excellent tutorial Lobobrandon. If I understand correctly, I need to decapitate a chicken (preferably a Buff Orpington), smear soot on my cheeks, and chant "The majesty of the great G shall not be challenged."

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      1. 98

         DrMark1961posted 6 years agoin reply to this

         Be sure to only use soot from your Buff Orpington. If you use bull soot you will lose Page Rank, no matter what you decide to chant.

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         1. 95

            Rupert Taylorposted 6 years agoin reply to this

            Thanks DrMark. I might have overlooked that detail. Another thing. As I perform this ritual is it clothing optional?

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            1. 93

               Rochelle Frankposted 6 years agoin reply to this

               Forgive the intrusiion, but I believe clothing is not optional for the Buff Orpington, who is in the buff.

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            2. 91

               lobobrandonposted 6 years agoin reply to this

               Cloaking is punished by the Google algorithms https://support.google.com/webmasters/a … 6355?hl=en

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