I'd like feedback on my article: The Real Truth About People on Unemployment...

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   compu-smartposted 5 years ago

   Good day Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my article? What can I do to improve? This would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
   Here is my article: The Real Truth About People on Unemployment Benefits

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      theraggededgeposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Hi there,
      
      This is going to be a little too UK centric for most readers. If it were a British publication, it would be fine. So I would make it more general and applicable to Western countries. Remove the specific references to UK institutions or explain what they are, for example, the Blue Cross animal charity.
      
      Also, it's over-personal. Much of it reads like a blog post. Try to depersonalise it. You can do that by talking about an anonymous 'Fred'. In other words move your experience to a fictional character.
      
      Too much bold text. You don't need it.
      
      Proofread. You don't 'borrow money to a friend', you lend it. 'Begger' is 'beggar'. Don't add apostrophes to plurals, such as 'employee's on benefits'. It's employees.
      
      Remember that 'benefits' is a British thing. In the US, it's called welfare.
      
      What is the purpose of this article? Who are you trying to reach? What's your message? Make sure the whole piece is geared to your ideal reader.
      
      Lots of work to do.
      
      Good luck.

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         compu-smartposted 5 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks for the home work!
         
         I added UK to the title.
         I removed the bold text.
         I explained what the Blue Cross animal charity is.
         I changed the word, Borrow to lo lend and/or loaned.
         I corrected all the spelling of beggar!
         I wrote briefly in the introduction about the UK and US terminology for benefits/welfare.
         I also changed all the videos to represent the UK and £pounds
         
         What is the purpose of this article? The purpose of the article is to highlight that not everyone on benefits is in need of extra help.
         
         Who are you trying to reach? Anyone that wants to know what living on benefits is really like. The reality.
         
         What's your message? that no matter how poor or disabled you are, there are services to help anyone in need which i mentioned.
         
         I also added a footnote.
         
         Finally, trying to make it personal, Ill need to sleep on that and continue tomorrow with a fresh head. If you can copy and paste a section and give me an example would be very useful/AWESOME!
         
         A virtual hand-shake or high-five! Whichever you prefer! and BIG THANKS for everything!

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            theraggededgeposted 5 years agoin reply to this

            Still a big chunk of bold text at the beginning. Also, I noticed this:
            
            Unfortunately, many people in life are far too lazy to work. Some never want to. Others are too disabled to.
            
            You've lumped disabled people in with lazy people. You might want to rethink that.
            
            Also sex workers are not always female, so watch out for those derogatory comments about what women are 'sitting on'. That's not nice for any of us to read.
            
            Try to limit negativity - it comes across as if you are comparing and contrasting 'them and you'. As if you are the good guy and everyone else is scamming.
            
            Read it out loud, pretending that you are a reader and not the writer. See if you can identify where you need to make changes.
            
            Keep at it!

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               compu-smartposted 5 years agoin reply to this

               Cool! And can I commend you on your hospitality and help, as well as your tremendous observations! 
               
               I just removed the bold text at the top.
               I stopped lumping disabled people with lazy.
               I re-worded the sex workers to include female.
               
               Ref your last sentence, I will, but this time, tomorrow with a fresh brain, because re-editing and re-reading and re-editing and re-reading is making me in the need for sleeping!
               
               Were surely getting there!

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               compu-smartposted 5 years agoin reply to this

               Hi theraggededge
               
               Re-reading it, I could see what was needed!
               Everything you suggested has been done and more.
               I feel confident it will be featured very soon! half glass full comment!
               
               I doubt I can do any more to improve the hub, except send you my password to give you Carte Blanche too!
               
               Again, I appreciate your valuable advice and your time.
               
               CS

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         2. 84

            compu-smartposted 5 years agoin reply to this

            Hi again!
            I have a white round circle (not featured) icon.
            I don't know what else I can do!
            I cannot write my next hub until I can complete this hub to get it featured again!
            If you have any time to treble-check, It would really relieve my stress!
            
            I think I should get a job labouring, using my body instead of my brain!
            

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               theraggededgeposted 5 years agoin reply to this

               I think you need to get a fresh pair of eyes on this now, so hopefully, someone else will chime in.

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                  compu-smartposted 5 years agoin reply to this

                  Here's hoping!O!
                  
                  At least, most of the problems have been corrected/changed/improved with your valuable, helpful help so thank you.
                  
                  If anyone else is reading!  S.O.S!
                  
                  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°),

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                  compu-smartposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                  I have completely overhauled the hub with all the advice and more and its been featured......  which I'm not surprised by!
                  
                  A HUMONGOUS THANK YOU.

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                     theraggededgeposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                     Great news. Well done, your hard work and willingness to take advice has paid off.

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                        compu-smartposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                        {smiley face emoji:}

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   psycheskinnerposted 5 years ago

   Given the difference in setting it might make more sense to accept the smaller audience and just add "In the UK" to the title.

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      theraggededgeposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, that's an idea.

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      compu-smartposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you.
      
      I have done that, and change the image to someone holding pounds instead of dollars.
      
      
      I hope it will be now OK by adding UK to be featured!
      
      Thanks again for taking the time out to help.

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   PaulGoodman67posted 5 years ago

   It seems more like purely an opinion piece than an information piece. There's nothing wrong with that (even if my own opinions may differ), but it usually limits an article's potential in terms of views and earnings. I agree with raggededge that it reads like a blog post.

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      compu-smartposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Paul for your feedback!
      
      The information is actually based on my personal experiences. Things I have been apart of or seen with my own eyes. It's factual!
      
      Now you know it's not "an opinion", how could I make it acceptable? Should I add this information at the top?

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   Beth Eaglescliffeposted 5 years ago

   "I cannot write my next hub until I can complete this hub to get it featured again!" No, no, no, don't be so defeatist.
   
   Put this hub to one side for a few weeks and get started on a new one on a completely different topic. When you reread this old one after a few weeks break, you'll see it in a new light and ways to improve it will jump out at you.   
   
   Good luck and welcome to HubPages.

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      compu-smartposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Wise words from a wise owl. Thank you and will do!

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   Doneta Wrateposted 5 years ago

   What Beth says is true.  Taking time out from an article makes you see it in a completely different light.  Before I publish a hub I try to take a couple days break from it and go through it one last time.  Beth has a good idea in setting this one aside a few weeks and then looking at it again.

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      compu-smartposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Doneta, Yes, it is true/a great idea! I will do as Beth suggested.

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