I want Your suggestions in my article Women in Pakistan for improvement
Too much blue text, not enough content. If you are using bullet points, you don't use H2 with it. It all looks a bit messy.
Many paragraphs start with 'In this area'. Try not to repeat the same phrases.
Punctuation needs reviewing. Lots of sentences missing a period/full stop. Grammar errors throughout.
Wrong word choices. For example, "women forced to get married at a very small age..." You mean 'young age'.
Remove the bold text.
Read this and understand the problem: "As time progresses and literacy rate increases in these areas male are more likely to give rights to women."
Why should men give the rights of equality to women? It's not theirs to give. Men don't own rights. In a civilised society in 2019/20 this medieval mindset shouldn't even exist. You shouldn't have to 'fight for the rights of women'. Your country and government should be ashamed that the problem of inequality exists in the first place.
At the beginning of the article, you say, "These regions have a liberal mindset and in these regions, women are treated well"
Like a pet dog? This sentence shouldn't even need to be written. Women in the modern world shouldn't be 'treated well'. They are not animals. They should simply be able to live their lives in a balanced society, where they are respected as individuals.
Sorry, I just get very angry when women are considered to be secondary to men. It's rampant mental illness among certain societies. I know you are on the side on women, but even you must watch how you use language that supports the idea of inferiority.
I am from Pakistan and every line in the article shows the ground reality. I have not added anything from myself in the article. In the region of the liberal mindset, the condition is comparatively better.
Ghazi, if I could put it this way.
From you text and bio, it is obvious that your English writing skills are weak. (Please don't take offense; it's an objective comment). Therefore, a touchy topic such as gender inequality in South Asia is not something you should be tackling.
Even veteran journalists handle such subjects with extreme care, because all sorts of emotions are involved and every word you write will be interpreted in a multitude of ways. For a start, you ought to have use reporting speech rather than direct statements. This provides a more academic read i.e. professional approach. It also avoids the impression you have given theraggededge, which frankly, is also the impression I had.
Example:Instead of "As time progresses and literacy rate increases in these areas male are more likely to give rights to women ..."
Consider rephrasing into:
According to <quote source>, improved literacy rates resulted in men being more inclined to view women as equals ..."
To balance the report, then add verifiable information on how women in those areas view these claims.
If you cannot find verifiable information to quote, well, then it means you actually shouldn't be writing about the subject. Because everything is just your own subjective assumptions.
Precisely what theraggededge says.
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