I'd like feedback on my article: Touring in London - An Empirical Experience

1. 83

   Niks007posted 5 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my article? What can I do to improve? Thanks!
   Here is my article: Touring in London - An Empirical Experience (must be signed in to view)

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   1. 83

      theraggededgeposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Hi Niks,
      
      Wow - great photos. I love the London Eye one.
      
      I'd say all you need to do is give this a thorough proofread. There are a few small grammatical errors which need to be corrected.
      
      Also see if you can get rid of some adjectives - it could do with a good pruning. Sometimes the shorter the sentence and paragraph, the more impact it has.
      
      For example:
      
      "Watching the matches of the cricket world cup 2019 on TV at my home after returning from a tour to London made me feel nostalgic.
      
      In some matches, the camera shot the location called "Trafalgar Square" where the people enjoyed chilling and cheering as they watched the match live on the big screen.
      
      I missed this lively atmosphere but I was glad to visit Trafalgar Square a few days ago. The square's main purpose just like the Times New Square in New York is to socialize, entertain the tourists and celebrate."
      
      Suggested revision:
      
      "Seeing the crowd shots of Trafalgar Square on TV during the cricket World Cup made me nostalgic for London. People relaxed and socialized as they watched the matches on the big screen and I wished I was with them, enjoying the lively atmosphere. So I was thrilled to be back there a few days ago."
      
      You see how I got all your information into a short paragraph by cutting out unnecessary words? The sharper the writing, the better it reads. See what you can do with the rest of the article.
      
      I enjoyed it, so good luck getting it featured.

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      1. 83

         Niks007posted 5 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks a lot for your genuine feedback. I will definitely do more proofreading. I will check the adjectives and get rid of the unwanted ones.

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      AliciaCposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      In addition to following the raggededge's excellent advice, I suggest that you make some more improvements. The long italicized section at the end of the article should be changed to plain text. The uneven spaces in the capsules should be changed. In Location A under the map, the name Trafalgar Square is spelled incorrectly. This looks bad when Google has spelled the name correctly next to your entry. The location name is also spelled incorrectly in the caption of the National Gallery photo.

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   PaulGoodman67posted 5 years ago

   The title isn't great. "Empirical" strongly implies experience, so there's an overlap in meaning. Empiricism is also a little technical sounding as it's most commonly used in science to describe experimentation. "Personal experience" would sound better, and also be more accurate. Readers are often interested in personal experiences when it comes to travel.
   
   Your English is very good, but not perfect. There are quite a few issues as others have pointed out. They are generally minor, but very noticeable, and therefore problematic. The opening section of the article in particular needs to be stronger, both in grabbing the reader's attention and in terms of flow.
   
   As you mention you had a picture of London gained previously through nursery rhymes, TV programmes etc., it might also be interesting to compare more how the reality of London compared with your expectations, by either exceeding or falling below them.
   
   In summary, I feel that you could do quite a bit to tighten up the writing, both in dealing with errors and flow, as well injecting a little more emotion to engage the reader. Good luck, you are close to having a good article, but it's not quite there yet, in my humble opinion.

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      Eurofileposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      The new title is an improvement. I agree with much that has been said previously. There's a lot of good material here. It just needs a little tidying up. You could either try a free download of Grammarly or ask another English speaker to check it through, paying particular attention to grammar. Read it aloud yourself. How does it sound? How could you make it read better?
      The art of getting through the process is perseverance. Make the suggested changes, keep improving and tweaking your article and eventually it will get through.

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