Okay, Huge favor here. I need an honest opinion.

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  1. Faybe Bay profile image68
    Faybe Bayposted 8 years ago

    I know I will get all sorts of flack from both sides, and frankly I don't care. This is one of my passions, why I started writing again after a five year break. It got no traffic at all, probably the title.

    I've redone everything but the title and need to know if I should really just start from scratch.

    Okay, it still needs a bit of work, but it's 2:00 in the morning.

    http://hubpages.com/hub/Beating-The-Odd … nesis?done

    1. AEvans profile image79
      AEvansposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      It is about the Book of Genesis and the Title sounds a little Science Fiction, I would take it down and re-do the entire hub with a brand new title. I will read it and maybe I can provide a couple of ideas. smile

      1. Faybe Bay profile image68
        Faybe Bayposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        Thank You.

  2. AEvans profile image79
    AEvansposted 8 years ago

    Here are my findings:
    never tell a reader to muddle through your work you have already lost the reader.

    You are a good writer so when you write give your words color sound positive about what you are saying.

    Think about a catchy title maybe something like, ex: 'In The Beginning- The Book Of Genesis Findings'  people who are aware of the Bible will be drawn to the words, others may wish to read it because the Title is appealing. Just my thoughts. smile

    Understanding Genesis should be right after the definition overall it is very interesting has a score of 71 it just needs a few changes and it will be another fantastic hub! smile

    1. Faybe Bay profile image68
      Faybe Bayposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you. I was calling it the Genesis Project and three weeks in found out that is from a Star Trek movie! I didn't know what to do with it. Thanks!

      1. AEvans profile image79
        AEvansposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        It is really a great read when you correct I will definitely go and make comment I found it to be very interesting. smile

        1. Faybe Bay profile image68
          Faybe Bayposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          Thanks, I will probably get it done by the weekend. Now I am noticing mis spelled words, I even left a word out of a sentence. Thanks a lot. I just got a great tool and I am following the steps it lists. Then all I'll have to do is create the new title, copy paste and tear down the old one.  smile

    2. Marisa Wright profile image98
      Marisa Wrightposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      That was my first thought, too.  If you find yourself writing "Okay I have strung you along long enough I guess", then you need to go back and do a really tough edit on everything that comes before it. Cut out all the waffle at the beginning and cut to the chase, otherwise most of your readers will never get to the main story.

      1. wyanjen profile image82
        wyanjenposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        I agree. This is great advice.

        You want to write with your inner voice, but you don't want your inner voice to communicate directly to the reader. Is that a clear explanation?

        I did an advertisement which I cannot find right now that would demonstrate this a little. There is an elderly couple snuggling together on couch, with end tables lamps and a big mirror on the wall above them. Got a mental image of it? Good.

        See, the photographer who sent me the photos failed to notice himself. In the photo. In the mirror above the couple, there he was in all his camera pointing glory, yelling SAY CHEESE as he snapped the shot. It was ridiculous. I can't remember the publication of off the top of my head, to show it to you. rats. I had to photoshop him out so I could use the pic for the ad.

        It's the same concept though, right here. If you were to see an ad for a furniture store, and you noticed that the camera man is standing right in front of the mirror so you can see him taking the picture, your mind turns off at that point. You are no longer looking at nice, pretty furniture set, you are looking AT AN AD. You have accidentally been taken "out of the moment".

        "Okay I have strung you along" could be cute, tongue in cheek at best. At worst, you have just convinced your reader that everything they had just read was meaningless... But, the very minute you say "I" and "you" to the reader, you are taking them out of the moment. I think in TV and movies the phrase is "breaking the fourth wall".

        Use you inner voice, but don't communicate to the reader with it directly.

        Well done Faybe, you have put a ton of work into this hub. I hope you get good results.

        smile

        1. Faybe Bay profile image68
          Faybe Bayposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          Thanks I am rebuilding, starting with the Genesis definition, then the Dr experience, then the genesis "walk" I wish there was a way i could keep more, but yeah I am getting it. It is worth the work. I think it is important for all of us to see that there is more than one way to look at anything, and that we are more powerful than these companies and religions would have us believe.
          I am a Christian, but I have studied many religions, including some incredible stuff from Tibetan monks.
          I believe in God, but I also believe that in this life it is up to us. We have to decide how much we will allow others to suffer, and how much we are willing to suffer. The keys are there, just the interpretation needs work.

  3. profile image58
    foreignpressposted 8 years ago

    I'm not sure what you're writing about. Is it about the Book of Genesis? Or is your hub about you and a miraculous recovery you made by reading Genesis? I think it's the latter. Imagine this scenario: Someone who is sick sees a doctor. The doctor says, "Sorry, can't help you. You're done for but here's some pills that should diminish the agony."
         The patient goes home and says "No! I won't quit! I will beat this!" And so begins a journey of self-discovery that heals the mind and body. You seem to have found renewed health by reading Genesis. Now THAT'S a hub that everybody would want to read; not about the Bible but about your journey when the odds were against you. You've done this but it's too vague. Pound it home from the outset.
         Others have beaten the odds. There are cancer survivors, those who lay dying but wouldn't quit, survivors of serious mental health problems. Your hub is about the tremendous powers of the human mind, the great resilience of the human body, and even more importantly -- that the human spirit cannot be vanquished.
         You wrote "From personal experience, I was told I would never get any better; I had reached maximum improvement, by a Doctor. I am so much better now I wish I could find him and show him. A Quack is what he was."
          But this was at the very end. It should have been at the very beginning (like Genesis). There's your hub. Beating the odds and how you did it against all medical odds. You've got a winner.
          One idea is to write a separate hub. In this second hub pretend that your audience is the doctor. You are scolding him for writing you off. Tell him that quick-fix drugs are not the answer. The human spirit deserves better than that.
          Personally, I use a quick writing style and pare words to the minimum (not in this forum but elsewhere). Use more POV (point of view). You seem outside looking in. Write as if you are inside looking out. Make it personal. Make it gritty. Allow the audience to feel the pain and anguish that you feel.
          And consider the advertising. The holistic practitioners (and their products) will love you. Herb-based products will hound your page to where you'll have no room for copy.
          Anyway, my personal thoughts for what they're worth.

  4. earnestshub profile image87
    earnestshubposted 8 years ago

    I would think that is pretty good advice! smile

  5. Faybe Bay profile image68
    Faybe Bayposted 8 years ago

    Thank you all so much. I was so upset that I didn't know where to begin to fix it. The truth is I did help myself, because I refused to accept that others "lived" with the pain I was in. I found out what types of therapies other people were offered after I could not get it on my own, from the insurance company docs. This Genesis bit came later. after that, when I realized how I did it.

    I did pray, at first for relief, but later I realized I was responsible enough to "Know" it wasn't right, I educated myself. I still do.

 
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