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jump to last post 1-7 of 7 discussions (8 posts)

Another One for Critique Please

  1. edelhaus profile image75
    edelhausposted 7 years ago

    comments are appreciated.


  2. saleheensblog profile image60
    saleheensblogposted 7 years ago

    use more text capsule, use your main keywords in capsule subtitle.

    you need better keyword research.

  3. allpurposeguru profile image80
    allpurposeguruposted 7 years ago

    I notice you do repeat your title (which is your main keyword) in the first paragraph, but the way that paragraph starts puts me off a little. I think I wouldn't have looked much further if I hadn't intended to reply to your request.

    In my opinion, anyway, you would be much better off simply starting with an explanation of what mulled wine is and leaving breezy colloquialisms (like "what the heck") for later.

    First, by starting with a digression, you leave the impression that the article might be disorganized. Now, not being interested in wine myself, I only scanned it, but it looks to be quite well written. If English is your second language, your command of an informal, speech-like tone is quite impressive. As I say, your first sentence made me not want to read far enough to notice that.

    Second, your very first sentence should give a clear indication of what the article is about, because that may be all that anyone sees in search engine results.

  4. profile image0
    Website Examinerposted 7 years ago

    Excellent analysis, Allpurposeguru.

  5. Staci-Barbo7 profile image78
    Staci-Barbo7posted 7 years ago

    The first thing I would focus on is proper punctuation, namely commas.  It is difficult to read text without proper punctuation because it requires much more work to discern the meaning of what one is reading.  I usually just give up when I run into that difficulty. 

    TIP:  Having a well-read friend proofread for grammatical & punctuation issues / clarity / word choice is ALWAYS a good idea.   

    I would also provide a recipe for your Italian burnt wine, since you provided recipes for the first two.

  6. edelhaus profile image75
    edelhausposted 7 years ago

    thanks for all your critiques - i've rewriten the first paragraph and added some more recipes.  I'm still not really clear on what I need to do to make my key words better though...  Let me know if this is less off-putting now - I appreciate it!

    1. Staci-Barbo7 profile image78
      Staci-Barbo7posted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Your Hub is already greatly improved - keywords or no keywords.  Your punctuation in the first paragraph is better and the introduction is clean and on-topic. 

      I like the additional recipes; it makes the Hub a great reference, so people looking for mulled wine recipes could possibly use just your page without a further search.  I also think the timing of this Hub is perfect, since it is so useful for the coming holidays.   

      Continuing to work on punctuation in longer sentences beyond the first paragraph would add to clarity.  Commas could be placed particularly after introductory words or phrases at the beginning of sentences and before and after parenthetical phrases in the middle of sentences. 

      Example:   "Advent never really caught on as a celebration across the Atlantic, which is a shame, because it could be a chance to prolong (or should I say pre long) the holidays into the whole month of December."

      "which is a shame" is a parenthetical phrase in the  middle of a sentence, SO IT IS SURROUNDED BY COMMAS.  This does three things for the reader:

      1) Lets him know that this phrase is not essential to the main idea; 
      2) Focuses his attention on the main idea; and
      3) Prevents the phrase from becoming a distraction to the reader or confusing your meaning. 

      I really like your Hub!

  7. edelhaus profile image75
    edelhausposted 7 years ago

    thanks Staci-Barbo7!  I guess I was being a little lazy... but in reading your comments, I realize that correct punction is a valuable aid for clarity and that the lack of it can be distracting.