Coolville Spats

Long a well-traveled east-west route through Ohio, The James A Rhodes Appalachian Highway passes through Coolville, Ohio on its way to West Virginia. This part of the country has hosted many famous spats, battles, disagreements, tiffs, spats, dust-ups, and tête-à-têtes.

Sleepy Coolville persists as a monument to compromise and lottery tickets, but history cannot be ignored. Well, history can be ignored, but your score on the Ohio Graduation Test (OGT) will surely suffer. Read on as we investigate disagreements worthy of The Hatfields and McCoys but not rising to the level of a made-for-TV miniseries.

Peace and serenity were threatened in 1863 when confederate troops led by General John Hunt Morgan attempted to cross the Ohio River into Union territory. They chose Buffington Island as their egress point, possibly because it was due south of Coolville, but history is murky on this issue. Morgan may have been planning a spirited 20 mile march up Ohio SR 124 to billet his troops in the Coolville suburbs until supply lines could be restored. Anyway, he didn't make it.

Every city in Ohio, except Cincinnati where they have a life, is constantly embroiled in name claims asserted by universities in Columbus and Athens. Coolville finds itself geographically closer to OU but graduates and drop-outs from both fine public institutions dot the landscape throughout the entire state. A few University of Michigan graduates appear infrequently in Ohio, no one cares what they think.

It's an ongoing spat. Each university claims the word The. No lie. Admissions departments from Columbus and Athens carefully explain to incoming students the significance of being the first Ohio university. Freshmen orientation is serious orientation, not just a map of the quad.

The ODNR (Ohio Department of Natural Resources) administers over 100 public access boat ramps and the Coolville Public Boat Ramp is one of them. Any boater holding valid permits and floatation gear may use the ramp to access the Fourmile Creek and the Hocking River. It's all good until the topic of catfish bait arises. Strongly-worded conversations break out among lifelong friends. Families are slightly torn asunder when the subject of chicken livers vs dough balls is broached. Depend on the good folks at Riverside Bait & Tackle, The Cool Stop, and even White Marsh Bait Company to set you on the path to successful fishing. End the spats: we can all just get along.

Stronger towns have been rent asunder by lesser spats. McDonald's offers Coke, Taco Bell provides Pepsi. These are Great American Restaurants and Coolville has one of neither. The James A. Rhodes Appalachian Highway winds through scenic southern Ohio and winds past a veritable plethora of virtually identical fast food restaurants offering various varieties of both soft drinks. Batavia is home to a McDonald's franchise. Even Mt. Orab has one. Parkersburg, West Virginia, the eastern terminus of the James A. Rhodes Appalachian Highway, has at least 5 sets of golden arches and too many Taco Bell installations to count.

Unfortunately, travelers passing through Coolville do not have the opportunity to order a plain Quarter Pounder with cheese or a taco with Frito's in it. Fortunately, the Cool Stop Truck Stop fills a much needed need in the thirst-quenching department. Unfortunately, motorists must park and disembark in order to achieve a Pepsi or Coke: there's no drive-through. Fortunately, The Cool Stop offers a wide range of caffeinated, decaffeinated, sugared, and sugar-free libations. They also have ice.

Throw out the record books when the Lancers square off against the Tomcats on the football field. Last year's 36-nil drubbing in favor of Trimble was hardly indicative of how seriously annoyed these two teams are with each other. Only 34 miles separate the two storied programs. Players meet regularly at the Cool Stop as they quench their thirst and apply for jobs. Alumni from Trimble end up working at the Coolville Public Library and graduates of Federal Hocking find gainful employment at Frog Ranch Salsa in Glouster, within the shadow of the Trimble athletic complex. It's an uneasy truce at best.