Daily Affirmations Gone Wrong

I know this may sound crazy, but once or twice, people have actually accused me of being negative.  Whatever.  I am just a little sarcastic ball of sunshine.  At any rate, perhaps I need to try to look at the glass as half full.  Maybe I need to be one of these people that thinks positive about everything and then things will go my way.  I've tried to come up with some great daily affirmations, but something tells me I am not doing that right.  Wait, that is being negative.  Nevermind.

1. I am a good person. I am a good person. I haven't killed anyone or anything... yet.
2. I have really nice eyebrows. That has to count for something, right?
3. I am great at many things: eating, sleeping, watching TV... dude, I need some new hobbies.
4. At least I have a job!
5. I have a place to live, a place to sleep, clothes to wear, and food to eat. Wait, I'm out of chocolate. The day is ruined.
6. At least my hamster loves me. When I feed her.
7. Maybe I can't afford heat, but I do have an electric blanket. Not everyone can say that.
8. Serenity now... serenity now...
9. I have money in the bank. But wait, I have a pile of bills on my desk.
10. I will win the lottery. I just need to play to win. I forgot that detail.
11. I will start playing the lottery. I will be a winner. I will be a winner.
12. At least I am smart and stuff... kinda.
13. Sure, I can't afford a car, but walking is way healthier for you anyway. Cars are totally overrated. Nothing beats good health. Yep. That is right.
14. I can almost touch my nose with my tongue. Not many people can say that. Well, not that many people will admit that, but whatever.
15. I am forever finding change on sidewalks. Free money!
16. Spring is here and the summer is coming! Hooray for no heating bill!
17. I still have really nice eyebrows.
18. I still have that job.