Kids Say and Do the Craziest Stuff

Kids - gotta love them. Nothing is funnier than a child screaming a curse word in public (unless, of course, it's your child) or misstating a sentence to turn it into something completely different. So I've dedicated this hub to the hilarious things my five-year-old has said (that I can remember) and some contributing stories from friends and family members about their children. I'm hoping to have a series of these. So here goes the first one. I hope you enjoy it and get a chuckle out of it.

This is an honest and authentic dialogue I had with my son. No names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Ashton: Mommy, I don't want to be called Ashton anymore.

Me: Really? All right then, what do you want to be called?

Ashton: I think I'll call my name John.

Me: John, huh? Why John?

Ashton: No, no, never mind. I changed my mind.

Me: Well, why'd you change your mind?

Ashton: Because I can't spell John at all.

My two-year-old son has a stuffed dog called "My Pal Scout." You may have heard of it. Anyway, it sings a song that goes:

"If you're happy and you know it clap your paws!"

Because, you know, it's a dog and all. So Ashton was playing with him, trying his hardest to sing along, when he stopped mid-song and looked straight at me, serious as a heart attack. He said, "Mommy, is he saying if you're happy and you know it clap your balls?"

I was sitting on the couch, cross-stitching a picture of Jesus. Ashton walked up to me, looked at the image for a minute, then asked me, "Who's that man, mommy?" I answered, "That's Jesus." He sat there for a minute, thinking about it, then said, "I think I'll call him Bob."

We all know when we have kids and they're little, they want to know what to call their body parts. So our boys call their privates their wee-wees. My best friend has girls, and they call their privates toot-toots. Trust me; this isn't useless information. I'm setting it up for you (probably actually giving away the punchline, but whatever. I never claimed to be a comedian).

So I'm at my girlfriend's house one day, and we're just chatting. I was walking around and saw a picture of my best friend when she was a little girl. She was dressed as a ballerina and had a trophy beside her. I picked up the picture and said, "I didn't know you were a dancer!" Her five-year-old little girl came in the room, beaming, "My mommy was a dancer!" I looked at the picture a little longer and said, "Oh, Tammie! Look at that adorable tutu!" Her little girl just gasped and stared at me...

She obviously thought I said toot-toot.

I was walking down the hallway when I heard my son Brandon get mad at his video game and throw the controller. He was probably four at the time. As soon as the controller hit the ground, I heard him say, "That stupid bastard made me mad!" So I walked into his room, a little angry that he used words like that. I said, "Brandon, we don't use words like that in this house." He said, "Sorry, mommy, what I meant to say was that bastard made me mad."

Once my husband and I were walking out of the grocery store. An elderly man with a cane was sitting on the bench beside the front door. My little girl looked up, saw him, and shouted, "Look, Daddy! A shepherd!"

Jasmine saw a broken-down car with the hood open in an Auto Zone parking lot. She was earnest and said, "Aww, look at that car with the front trunk open..."

And another time:

Jasmine looked at me as seriously as she could be and said, "Mom, I have privates. You have publics because everyone can see them even when you're not naked because they are just WAY HUGE! So go pump public boob milk, and they might get smaller..."