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Kids Say And Do The Craziest Stuff

Updated on August 15, 2016
BeccaHubbardWoods profile image

I am a mother, a metal head, a goth girl, and lover of all darkness. I'm also a writer, a cake artist, and a general weirdo.

This kid looks like my son... seriously, I think me and his daddy need to have a talk...
This kid looks like my son... seriously, I think me and his daddy need to have a talk...

 Kids, gotta love em. There is nothing funnier than a child screaming a curse word in public (unless, of course, it's your child), or mistating a sentence to turn it into something completely different. So I've dedicated this hub to the hilarious things my five year old has said (that I can remember), along with some contributing stories from friends and family members about their children. I'm hoping to have a series of these. So here goes the first one. Hope you enjoy and get a chuckle out of it.

Ashton's Name Change

This is a real and true dialogue I had with my son. No names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Ashton: Mommy, I don't want to be called Ashton anymore.

Me: Really? All right then, what do you want to be called?

Ashton: I think I'll call my name John.

Me: John, huh? Why John?

Ashton: No, no, nevermind. I changed my mind.

Me: Well, why'd you change your mind?

Ashton: Because I can't spell John at all.

My Pal Scout

 My two year old son has a stuffed dog called "My Pal Scout". You may have heard of it. Anyway, it sings a song that goes:

"If you're happy and you know it clap your paws!"

Cuz, you know, it's a dog and all. So Ashton was playing with him, trying his hardest to sing along, when he stopped mid song and looked straight at me, serious as a heart attack. He said, "Mommy, is he saying if you're happy and you know it clap your balls?"

Praise Bob

I was sitting on the couch cross-stitching a picture of Jesus. Ashton walked up to me, looked at the picture for a minute, then asked me "Who's that man, mommy?" I answered "That's Jesus." He sat there for a minute, thinking about it, then he said "I think I'll call him Bob."

Adorable Tutu

We all know when we have kids and they're little, they want to know what their body parts are. We let our boys call their privates their wee-wee's. My two best friends both have girls, and they tell them their privates are their toot-toots. Trust me, this isn't useless information. I'm setting it up for you (probably actually giving away the punchline, but whatever. Never claimed to be a comedian).

So I'm at one of my girlfriend Tammie's house one day and we're just bsing. I was walking around and saw a picture of her when she was a little girl. She was dressed as a ballerina and had a trophy beside her. I picked up the picture and said "I didn't know you were a dancer!" Her five year old little girl came in the room and was beaming, "My mommy was a dancer!" I looked at the picture a little longer and said "Oh Tammie! Look at that adorable tutu!" Her little girl just gasped and stared at me...

She obviously thought I said toot-toot (just in case you didn't get the punchline, see, told you I'm no comedian).

Ugly Words (contributed by Felisha Puckett)

I was walking down the hallway, when I heard my son Brandon get mad at his video game and throw the controller. He was probably four at the time. As soon as the controller hit the ground, I heard him say "That stupid bastard made me mad!" So I walked into his room, a little angry that he used words like that. I said "Brandon, we don't use words like that in this house." He said, "Sorry mommy, what I meant to say was that bastard made me mad."

Look Daddy! (contributed by Tonya Lash Berryhill)

Once my husband and I were walking out of the grocery store. There was an elderly man with a cane sitting on the bench beside the front door. My little girl looked up, saw him, and shouted "Look Daddy! A shephard!"

Poor Car (contributed by Kayla Burbank)

Jasmine saw a car broke down with the hood open in an Auto Zone parking lot. She was completely serious and said "Aww, look at that car with the front trunk open..."

And another time...

Jasmine looked at me as serious as she could be and said, "Mom, I have privates. You have publics because everyone can see them even when you're not naked because they are just WAY HUGE! Just go pump public boob milk and they might get smaller..."


Submit a Comment
  • BeccaHubbardWoods profile imageAUTHOR

    Becca Hubbard-Woods 

    3 years ago from Outside your window.

    There's no filter between their brains and their mouths, so I can't possibly edit out what they say LOL! I'm presently collecting even more stories from friends and family, as well as fellow hubbers to start a 4th edition to these hubs. I've enjoyed writing every second of them, but I loved hearing the stories even more! My boys are now much older, 12 and 8, but they will still come up with some stuff that will have me rolling with laughter as only they can. Thank you for reading! XD

  • Jodah profile image

    John Hansen 

    3 years ago from Queensland Australia

    This was hillarious, Becca. Way politically incorrect I must admit, but what kids aren't. I loved every word (and pic).

  • profile image


    3 years ago

    Kids can come up with some really funny stuff. Enjoyed the read.:-)

  • suneelbob profile image


    9 years ago from punjab

    nice i like it

  • BeccaHubbardWoods profile imageAUTHOR

    Becca Hubbard-Woods 

    9 years ago from Outside your window.

    Oh yes I did, patrick. Still working to this day. The good times make up for the bad, though. Sometimes I could slam my head against the wall with frustration, but others are wonderful. It's tough work, indeed. Thanks for stopping by! : )

  • patrick fealey profile image

    patrick fealey 

    9 years ago from California

    makes me want to have kids, just for the entertainment, but it doesn't work like that. you worked hard for these.

  • BeccaHubbardWoods profile imageAUTHOR

    Becca Hubbard-Woods 

    9 years ago from Outside your window.

    You know, that does look like a beer in that boy's hand. I never even noticed that... I'm less of a comedian and more of a smart-ass.... lol! I couldn't make this stuff up! The little girl I was talking about in the Adorable Tutu story still kind of gives me a sideways glance when she sees me... I'm really glad you enjoyed these. I'm working on a second one right now and should have it up in a couple of days. Kids are freaking awesome. : )

  • Ben Zoltak profile image

    Ben Zoltak 

    9 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

    Well here it is 3 in the am and I should be sleeping but can't, what am I doing instead? Snickering at BeccaHubbardWoods writing quietly in the dark trying not to wake up my daughter and wife! Wow this one was a laugh riot Becca, you are a liar! You ARE a comedian who are you kidding? I've had more than one person tell me my writing has humor and I've decided it's in the timing, I believe that's what you have here. Also, in that last image with the brunette with the great image, is that kid drinking a beer? It was difficult to notice anything else besides that lady's gorgeous cleavage but it looks to me like that kids is drinking a beer! Fun article Becca, you have some good friends.

    My Pal Scout and Adorable Tutu just about had me crying in laughter...although they were all great stories!

  • BeccaHubbardWoods profile imageAUTHOR

    Becca Hubbard-Woods 

    9 years ago from Outside your window.

    That's my boy! lol... He comes up with new things every day. I am starting my second hub on this same topic with stories contributed by other hubbers in a forum. It's going to be great. Those stories are hilarious, as well. : )

  • Mike Lickteig profile image

    Mike Lickteig 

    9 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

    This was a great fun read that had me laughing. The name changing stories were so funny and off-the-wall! Kids are natural comedians.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • BeccaHubbardWoods profile imageAUTHOR

    Becca Hubbard-Woods 

    9 years ago from Outside your window.

    Thanks, lol! I love your profile name! That's great. : )

  • samboiam profile image


    9 years ago from Texas

    Priceless.I love your profile pic.

  • BeccaHubbardWoods profile imageAUTHOR

    Becca Hubbard-Woods 

    9 years ago from Outside your window.

    Me too, Art. If it wasn't for my smart-ass five year old, my days would suck even more! : )

  • profile image


    9 years ago

    Gotta say I loved this hub, I needed a laugh as I hate Mondays !

  • BeccaHubbardWoods profile imageAUTHOR

    Becca Hubbard-Woods 

    9 years ago from Outside your window.

    Glad you enjoyed it. I really loved hearing the stories and writing them for everyone.

  • profile image


    9 years ago

    Love it


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