Kids Say And Do The Craziest Stuff
Kids, gotta love em. There is nothing funnier than a child screaming a curse word in public (unless, of course, it's your child), or mistating a sentence to turn it into something completely different. So I've dedicated this hub to the hilarious things my five year old has said (that I can remember), along with some contributing stories from friends and family members about their children. I'm hoping to have a series of these. So here goes the first one. Hope you enjoy and get a chuckle out of it.
Ashton's Name Change
This is a real and true dialogue I had with my son. No names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Ashton: Mommy, I don't want to be called Ashton anymore.
Me: Really? All right then, what do you want to be called?
Ashton: I think I'll call my name John.
Me: John, huh? Why John?
Ashton: No, no, nevermind. I changed my mind.
Me: Well, why'd you change your mind?
Ashton: Because I can't spell John at all.
My Pal Scout
My two year old son has a stuffed dog called "My Pal Scout". You may have heard of it. Anyway, it sings a song that goes:
"If you're happy and you know it clap your paws!"
Cuz, you know, it's a dog and all. So Ashton was playing with him, trying his hardest to sing along, when he stopped mid song and looked straight at me, serious as a heart attack. He said, "Mommy, is he saying if you're happy and you know it clap your balls?"
I was sitting on the couch cross-stitching a picture of Jesus. Ashton walked up to me, looked at the picture for a minute, then asked me "Who's that man, mommy?" I answered "That's Jesus." He sat there for a minute, thinking about it, then he said "I think I'll call him Bob."
We all know when we have kids and they're little, they want to know what their body parts are. We let our boys call their privates their wee-wee's. My two best friends both have girls, and they tell them their privates are their toot-toots. Trust me, this isn't useless information. I'm setting it up for you (probably actually giving away the punchline, but whatever. Never claimed to be a comedian).
So I'm at one of my girlfriend Tammie's house one day and we're just bsing. I was walking around and saw a picture of her when she was a little girl. She was dressed as a ballerina and had a trophy beside her. I picked up the picture and said "I didn't know you were a dancer!" Her five year old little girl came in the room and was beaming, "My mommy was a dancer!" I looked at the picture a little longer and said "Oh Tammie! Look at that adorable tutu!" Her little girl just gasped and stared at me...
She obviously thought I said toot-toot (just in case you didn't get the punchline, see, told you I'm no comedian).
Ugly Words (contributed by Felisha Puckett)
I was walking down the hallway, when I heard my son Brandon get mad at his video game and throw the controller. He was probably four at the time. As soon as the controller hit the ground, I heard him say "That stupid bastard made me mad!" So I walked into his room, a little angry that he used words like that. I said "Brandon, we don't use words like that in this house." He said, "Sorry mommy, what I meant to say was that bastard made me mad."
Look Daddy! (contributed by Tonya Lash Berryhill)
Once my husband and I were walking out of the grocery store. There was an elderly man with a cane sitting on the bench beside the front door. My little girl looked up, saw him, and shouted "Look Daddy! A shephard!"
Poor Car (contributed by Kayla Burbank)
Jasmine saw a car broke down with the hood open in an Auto Zone parking lot. She was completely serious and said "Aww, look at that car with the front trunk open..."
And another time...
Jasmine looked at me as serious as she could be and said, "Mom, I have privates. You have publics because everyone can see them even when you're not naked because they are just WAY HUGE! Just go pump public boob milk and they might get smaller..."