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Mommy, Why is Superman in His Underwear?

Updated on July 9, 2013
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Hide the Underwear

After sitting silently for 5 minutes (a new record) my daughter turned to me and said, “I’ve figured it out.” Figured what out? The meaning of life? Why coffee grounds smell good, but taste gross? Why powdered cocoa has practically the same issue as coffee grounds? Why the chicken truly, actually, for realsies this time, crossed the road? No. She’d figured out something WAY better. It was a proud moment. I’ll quote her here, because she truly deserves all the credit.

“I figured out why super-heroes conceal their identities and villains don’t. It’s because super-heroes run around in their underwear, and villains get to wear really cool cloaks.”

OMG. She was so right. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how insane this costuming faux pas was. It was like the time she cued me in to the secret that Snow White was an idiot, Cinderella was a complete wimp, and Rapunzel could have cut off her hair, made a rope, and climbed out of the tower at any time. My daughter is a very deep thinker.

When the room stopped spinning, I sat down and thought, “This is true, but I must understand why this is true. Maybe I should go to all the writers of the super-hero comics and explain to them that super-heroes would have a much better life,and not have to hide who they are, if only the cartoonists would draw them in something besides their underwear.

Why did they do that anyway? Were they thinking, “If a guy drops out of the sky, dressed in bright colors with underwear on the outside and says something like, ‘Crime doesn’t pay dirt bag’, the criminals would throw down their guns and go running for the nearest Bloomingdales in hopes of shedding themselves of an image that would haunt them for life.”

I could see that. Which, I guess, also explains how aforementioned bad guys end up being master criminals who dress really nice and have awesome cloaks, cloaks that, I might add, flow behind them when they walk. My kid demonstrated the coolness of this with a blanket tied around her neck. It was fuzzy and green, not black and sleek; and yet, the swishing and flapping as she walked mesmerized me. We need cloaks. Everyone, really, should own a cloak. I tried on the blanket. It was unbelievable. My blanket-cloak transformed me into the Evil Princess Darfa, bent on terror and destruction. Hey, maybe that’s why super-heroes don’t get to wear cloaks.

Here’s what I think is most likely the true story behind at least one super-hero’s attire.


Source

The Real Story

There's this guy who has these super-powers. If people found out about his amazing abilities they would want him to do stuff for them ALL THE TIME. If they knew he could jump over buildings they would totally bet their colleagues that he “could too do it” and their colleagues would take that bet and the winners would have extra lunch money- which would be awesome if they shared, but they don't. Our super-hero guy would then get the crap beaten out of him by the next bad guy he fought due to lack of strength from not having time to eat his lunch.

The first thing our super-hero has to do is find a costume that separates his “normal I’m-not-jumping-over-things-so-you-can-have-more-lunch-money” self from his “I’m jumping over things now” self. Being a pretty classy guy, he goes out and buys a cloak. People laugh, because they know only villains wear cloaks. They tell him to grow up and get a real super-hero outfit.


Thanks Mom

Source

Our super-hero then goes to his mom for advice. He’s a great guy who loves his mom, which is a prerequisite for being a superhero. His mom thinks really hard and comes up with a Looney-Toons outfit. He loves his mom, but explains to her that due to copyright infringement laws, he can’t wear this excellently made costume. She doesn’t understand copyright law and thinks he’s just being difficult to get along with. She whips out a spandex outfit with underwear on the outside and demands he take it or she’ll know for sure he doesn’t really love her. Our super-hero knows that if he doesn’t really love his mommy he can’t be a true super-hero; so he dutifully takes the outfit, and then makes a greater effort to try and hide his identity. He buys glasses for non-super-hero times.

Now, hiding your identity, when the only difference between your super-hero self and your non-super-hero self is the clothing you’re wearing (and the glasses-or lack thereof), would normally be pretty difficult. Luckily for our super-hero, people like him. People like him a LOT. No one wants him to know that they’ve seen him in his spandex and underwear. Everyone pretends to think he’s just a regular guy. Come Christmas time at the office, his Secret Santa even gives him a cape. Unfortunately it is a cape, not a cloak, so it still doesn’t hide the underwear. But it does flow nicely.

I'm sure that's how it all happened with one super-hero who's name I won't mention due to copyright infringement laws.

Now that I understand it all, I can explain this to my insightful daughter. We can feel at peace knowing the truth behind identity-hiding super-heroes. I think tomorrow we may go out and change our names to Sally and Cecile, put underwear on over our clothes and begin our own super-hero activities in our neighborhood. I’m pretty sure most of our neighbors like us- enough to pretend not to know us while we're out super-hero-ing anyway. Come to think of it, they pretend not to know us when we aren't super-hero-ing. I wonder why that is???

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    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      logic-I'm sorry I called you logic, sommensense!

      I was just looking through the comments and saw that. When I proofread, I need more commensense. I wonder what sommensense is? I hope it's something good!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Esoteric- Thank you for wandering into my world and staying for a bit. The voting has ended, but thank you so much for considering voting for me! Thank you also for the very nice comments!

    • My Esoteric profile image

      My Esoteric 6 years ago from Keystone Heights, FL

      Wonderful hub Sueroy, had me smiling and feeling good as it did everybody else. Have to go find where this hubnugget thing is to vote for you.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Logic, sommonsense- I love your name, by the way. I'm glad to have you visit. Lord knows my hubs could use some logic and commonsense!

      You are so right about children! I was picking up pine cones one day and my daughter was helping me. Except she really wasn't helping me because every few seconds she would stop and say, "Mom, look at this flower, I've never seen one like it!", or "Mom, this bug is cool, come look!". This went on for about 10 minutes. Finally I turned and barked, "Chelsea, you're not being very efficient!"

      She said she was sorry and began to quietly pick up pine cones, this was when I realized how wrong I'd been. I apologized to her, and thanked her. I told her if it weren't for people like her, we'd never have penicillin. All the "efficient" people would have tossed the mold.

      Children are the greatest gift to learning! Thanks for stopping by and reminding me of the gift I have!

    • profile image

      logic,commonsense 6 years ago

      children often see what adults overlook in their haste to get done all things adult!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Thank you saket and Windswept! I really appreciate you taking the time to read this! Thank you for your nice comments!

    • Windsweptplains profile image

      Hannah Price 7 years ago from The windsweptplains of Colorado

      Brilliant conclusion!

    • saket71 profile image

      saket71 7 years ago from Delhi, India

      Absolutely engaging hub, very well written.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Thank you Angela!

      You're an excellent writer, it means a lot that you considered this worth a vote! You made my evening!

    • angela_michelle profile image

      Angela Michelle Schultz 7 years ago from United States

      I laughed so hard! This is great! By the way I voted for you on hubnugget! I think you will be one of the winners for sure!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Thank you suziecat!

    • suziecat7 profile image

      suziecat7 7 years ago from Asheville, NC

      Great Hub - had me smiling all the way through.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      RNMSN- Thanks! However, my dad always says my talent came from him-that's why he doesn't have it anymore. My mom kept hers. :)

    • RNMSN profile image

      Barbara Bethard 7 years ago from Tucson, Az

      fantastic!!!!!! really cool as well to see how you interact with your mom :) now we know Genius flows from the women of course!!!!!!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Kathryn- you sound just like my mom... oh wait, you are my mom.

      Thanks mom. :)

    • profile image

      Kathryn Judy 7 years ago

      I'd say I'm amazed at your work, but of course I'm not. You ARE brilliant and funny and smart. A bit witty, too.

      Go get 'em girl!

      Oh, I loved the hub. You deserve the nomination.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      quicklysilver- you are twisted. I love it.

      Daniel- kids are something else for sure. MIne is the inspiration for most of the crazy thoughts in my head... and there are a LOT of those. Thanks for reading!

    • quicklysilver profile image

      quicklysilver 7 years ago from wexford, ireland

      A few days after myself and my daughter (4) had seen Avatar we saw a man in a wheelchair. My daughter asked would does the man turn blue and walk.

      I slapped her across the head and told her not to be so stupid.

      That last bit was a lie ;)

    • Daniel J Brereton profile image

      Daniel J Brereton 7 years ago from New York, NY

      This was great! little kids always try to come up with there own reasons, and for some reason they make perfect sense...awesome hub

    • quicklysilver profile image

      quicklysilver 7 years ago from wexford, ireland

      Good stuff. Kids are funny. One thing I don't understand is how come whenever I wear my underpants outside my pants and tell people i'm a superhero I end up spending six months in a padded cell.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Thank you Fetty, for the congratulations, and for the smile. It's always a good day when someone smiles as they read your article. Thanks for making me smile too!

    • fetty profile image

      fetty 7 years ago from South Jersey

      This hub brought a smile to my day, thanks. Congrats. on your nomination, too.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Thanks Andie. Coming from someone who's writing has not only been noticed, but made into a movie, I am honored.

      Paradise Recovered http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi2504300825/

      is also Brilliant.. as are you.'

    • profile image

      Andie Redwine 7 years ago

      Brilliant...per usual.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      barbergirl- thank you! I checked out your hub. That's some nice writing you do there!

    • Jeremey profile image

      Jeremey 7 years ago from Arizona

      Very funny and great writing. Congrats on your hubnugget nomination, you've got me vote.

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 7 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      Absolutely brilliant... congratulations on your nomination... I will definately be voting for you!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Air Dave & Elaye- Thank you both very much. This one was a whole lot of fun to write!

    • elayne001 profile image

      Elayne 7 years ago from Rocky Mountains

      I enjoy your writing style - easy and entertaining. Great title and hub. Congrats on the nomination and good luck.

    • profile image

      AirDave 7 years ago

      Outrageous!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Ripplemaker- thank you for your kind comment. And, thanks also for the congratulations on something I knew nothing about. If only my costume came with perception abilities...

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      This was really entertaining...you made me laugh out loud! LOL congratulations on your Hubnuggets nomination. Please wear your superhero costume and follow this link http://bit.ly/ayOBXG Go and fly..please! :)

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Lmao!

      Yes, I'm like the government. I have my ways.....

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      BTW, how did you ever get that picture of me in the Superman outfit? Bloody internet, is nothing sacred...

      Chris

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris, You've helped tremendously.

      Superman must not have gotten the memo about not shrink-wrapping the family jewels...

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      Sorry, all wrong.

      That's not underwear, its the precursor to speedos...

      (I wish someone would someone would write something funny about speedos, oh yeah, you already did that.)

      You see, the lovelies in the newspaper office would say, "oh yeah Lois, what exacly makes him so "Super" then." All nudge nudge wink wink like women do. and Lois could point to family jewel area, that may or may not have sock enhancement, and win that particular verbal spat.

      It's not for their moms, it's for their girlfriends.

      Glad I could help.

      Chris

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Akkk.

      So she TELLS me. Not tell, tells.

      She does not get her brilliance from her mother.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      lol. So, she tell me. :)

    • QudsiaP1 profile image

      QudsiaP1 7 years ago

      Hahah, you have a brilliant kid. :)