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Poetry Testing, A Four Step Approach

Updated on January 18, 2012

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Why yes, I am a Licensed Professional Poet.
Why yes, I am a Licensed Professional Poet. | Source

Sample Poem

Why I love cats

Cats is good

Cats is fuzzy

Cats is are best

I win!


Sample Poetry Testing Poll

How did my poem "Why I love cats" make you feel?

See results

Now is the time for the Federal Bureau of Poetry

I tend to avoid bad poetry except under controlled conditions. I was thinking about all of the damage that uncontrolled poetry can do. I believe that a simple testing and licensing bureau should be set up.

The Federal Bureau of Poetry would oversee the use and ramifications of poetry. Like the FDA, they could recall poetry that proved harmful. Nothing is too good for the good folks of the USA.

The creation of the FBP will also be a stimulus to growth. Jobs to evaluate poetry will be created throughout the United States. Vast archives of poems will have to be housed in a special vault under a large mountain. Highly dangerous poetry can be licensed to the Pentagon for military uses.

Here is the preliminary testing procedure for all poetry:

Phase 1: Test on your pets. If you cat or dog dies or gets ill within 24 hours, don't publish.

Phase 2: Your neighbor's children. Test the poem on children. If they are harmed, blaming it on "society" is not permissible.

Phase 3: Test them at work. If you retain your dignity and your job, you move to phase 4. If you kill the elderly or weak, the poem should be discarded.

Phase 4: Publish your work. Now it's in the wild. You may want to put a poll on the page with choices such as "This poem caused me intense, unbearable pain," "I vomited after reading this poem," or "OMG, LOLZ, I luv this!!! ;)".

If the poem passes all four phases, it can then be evaluated by the Federal Bureau of Poetry before wider distribution. If you fail to do the required testing, jail time and fines would be appropriate. Tarring and feathering might be more appropriate.

After having published an arbitrary number of poems, you should receive your "Professional Poetaster" license. While this will not guarantee every poem is harmless, it will help control uncontrolled poeting. Poem-offs or hand-to-hand poeting might be necessary to decide who gets the more coveted places and titles withing the world of poem writing.

No effort should be spared to protect the weak. The innocent shall suffer no more. Plus, it should spur the economy as millions dust off their teen-age poems and submit them for testing.


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    • SimeyC profile image

      Simon Cook 6 years ago from NJ, USA

      I hear the US government are developing bad poetry as a weapon - I beleive they are being helped by the Monty Python crew!

    • rebeccamealey profile image

      Rebecca Mealey 6 years ago from Northeastern Georgia, USA

      I still remember a poem I wrote in 4th grade word for word.Boy is it corny. I would never dare to write it anywhere!

      I enjoyed your Hub!

    • DougBerry profile image

      DougBerry 6 years ago from Abilene, TX

      Since my cats seem to be in a constant state of horking hairballs from here to the hallway, that may not be a problem.

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 6 years ago from San Francisco

      Three cheers for the FBP! Alas, every time I recite poetry to cats, they vomit.

    • DougBerry profile image

      DougBerry 6 years ago from Abilene, TX

      One of my favorite poets is Thomas Hardy. I don't even know if they teach anything other than his novels these days.

      Poetry is the most subjective thing you can find. Everything in life is subjective, but poetry tries to go straight for emotional reactions. Those are hard to evoke and go wrong so easily.

    • Cammiebar profile image

      Cammiebar 6 years ago from Upstate New York

      I agree with bad poetry. After killing several canaries, I have burned all my poems. But, I do have one question that remains: If there was a Federal Bureau of Poetry back during the 1800 or 1900's, would we have the poets we view as famous today?

      I mean, they didn't write garbage. But, maybe the view of their poetry back then would be like the view of poems like "Why I Like Cats" is today? Some very well known poets weren't very popular when they were alive.

    • giocatore profile image

      giocatore 6 years ago

      Yes, with poetry, it's all about the words.

    • DougBerry profile image

      DougBerry 6 years ago from Abilene, TX

      And so-so prose can communicate. If you've failed at poetry, it's just words on a page.

    • DougBerry profile image

      DougBerry 6 years ago from Abilene, TX


    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 6 years ago from Orange County, CA

      What an interesting process for poetry. I guess this is one way of increasing quality. Voting this Up and Useful.

    • giocatore profile image

      giocatore 6 years ago

      That's better than a lot of the poetry you see around here.

    • profile image

      Kieran Gracie 6 years ago

      Roses are red

      Violets are blue

      I'll send the Feds around

      To arrest you!

    • giocatore profile image

      giocatore 6 years ago

      I'm not a poet. I know this. Unfortunately, others suffer from a delusion that they can spin out great verse. Nothing wrong with a powerful poem, of course, but most are not. Certainly, even a mediocre article is more beneficial than a bad poem.

    • Millercl profile image

      Millercl 6 years ago

      Ha. You know, it can work for you. I can't say I am good at writing poetry, but it feels like there is a lot of poor poetry out there.

      An articles seems to be more beneficial though. Right? More words and stuff eh?

    • giocatore profile image

      giocatore 6 years ago

      Interesting you should mention that. I just looked at a hub about writer's block, and it was a poem! That's the answer. If you're not inspired to write, knock out a poem and you've met your daily quota.

    • Millercl profile image

      Millercl 6 years ago

      You should write a haiku about it. ;)

    • giocatore profile image

      giocatore 6 years ago

      You could probably work out some criteria for accompanying photos, as well.

      Another thing that gets me is when someone posts a hub consisting of one haiku poem. I knock out 1700 words after lots of research, and someone spits out three lines or whatever it is, and they're done.

    • Eric Newland profile image

      Eric Newland 6 years ago from Dayton, Ohio

      Also, if you think a poem looks attractive when rendered entirely in boldface and italics you can just skip the four steps and trash it along with any and all future poems you write.

    • giocatore profile image

      giocatore 6 years ago

      Ha! Well done! We're on a roll!

    • Millercl profile image

      Millercl 6 years ago

      Ha! Good Job!

      Here is a Haiku for your troubles

      Fun time had by all

      Making joke of bad poets

      Are you one of them?

      Oh yeah. Voted Up!

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country

      This is excellent and I am empatheticaly and poetically sorry that I did not think of it first. My own solution to the rampant "poetry problem" was to establish my own poetry contest and only enter poems by me.

      I'm not sure any of them would pass the criteria you have established, but it worked for me.

    • DougBerry profile image

      DougBerry 6 years ago from Abilene, TX


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