Weird "Stuff" My Boyfriend Says (Part 2)

Due to the popularity and feedback of "Weird 'Stuff' My Boyfriend Says," I've decided to create a Part Two. See below for more wildly asinine quotations...

"I was leaving Avalon Manor and this guy came up to me and asked me if I was a groom. Do I look like someone who would throw his life away and plan sh*t?"

"You have to pay me to watch my TV." (whlie TV shopping for his 65" 3D-ready plasma )

"Nst nst nst. HANSEL. 'Hansel, he's so hot right now. Hansel!'"

"Baller status knows no limits."

"CRACK THE CASE! ANOTHER LAW AND ORDER STARTS RIGHT NOW ON TNT!"

"You are the wings that give my spirit freedom to soar."

"There is nothing like having a good pair of scissors handy."

"Our baller holiday."

"You can be a surrogate auntie, non-legal."

"I do not want to pick up poop. I do NOT have to pick up Owen's unless Carrie is bed-ridden and Rob isn't home." (when I asked what he would do if we were babysitting his 2 year old nephew and he pooped on the kitchen floor again )

"Gotta bank so we can roll clean."

"But you like working Ryan better than lazy Ryan?"

"Oh babe, you're such a culinary goddess."

"You look like an 11 year old girl on her way to Baptist church."

"Gonna go in the hot tub after the game. I hope I don't fall asleep and cook like a chicken bone, but at least you'd be able to make soup."

"You're a soup ogre."

"Well, I will just get up and go to my man cave and make some wall paintings of buffalo."

"K, I will call you. Need sweets or death will occur."

"You're such a mind-fuck failure."

"We can play ignorant until it's 18."

"Oh, by the way, your calzone spilled grease all over my smock. I squeezed some grease out, then was like ohh so I squeezed more. Then I realized the grease was squirting onto my smock, so I had to take it off and try to rub it out with water which didn't work. Then i just took it off because it looked retarded. Washing it now, gonna see how it looks after the washer. Just poured some detergent on area and gonna let sit for a little bit then run again. Look how domestic I can be." (Disclaimer: I brought him a calzone for dinner while he was working.  Apparently it's my fault he got it all over his pharmacist smock.)

"Were you pwning noobies on COD?"

"Rachel McAdams can kiss the beard, why can't you?"

"Officer Moose Knuckle."

"Don't want to eat too heavy, makes me tired. It's a good pharmacy, the pharmacists there are sitters so I could sit and work the whole day if I wanted to. No fat pregnant bitches trying to take my stool...I will give them a stool on their chest."

"This job is testing my bowel-holding capabilities."

"I'm not sterile, but I have an ice cream scoop."

"Cracking another case right now and it's about a dead pornstar so you know I'm taking notes." (while watching Law & Order)

“I stole their hearts with my upbeat attitude and hard to resist charisma.”

" £ ∂ °Δ ∂ ƒ ́́́ ø Δ ƒ ́́́ ^ ¬ ø √ ́́́ ¥ ø”. That is 'I love you' in alternate keyboard type on a Mac. My new deodorant is awesome. Still smells good after a full day. Swagger."

“Every time I hear the TV say, ‘Crack the case: another Law & Order starts right now,’ a wave of excitement passes over me like a jolt of electricity.”

“How do Taj’s nuts taste, Dwayne?”

“You don’t have to call me ‘Doctor,’ but I would prefer it if you did and will be visibly upset if you don’t.”

“Eagle has landed.” (when announcing on Facebook that his niece was born)

“Decat operation complete. Commencing phase 2. Descruff in progress. Phase 3 to follow: degrease.”

“Steel is a pretty good racket in our area.”

“What kind of phone do you have? I have a Droid 2 and it is pretty sweet. If you say iPhone I’m gonna barf all over. Jk, but seriously I will.” (this is an old one)

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