I just made six years married last month. We have had our down falls and our funny oh how funny times. I am unemployed and he is soul provider for us. I am going crazy looking for work. At this point I dont care what it is. I hate to have to grub off of him, I need to make my own money and feel my own independance. If I dont step up to the plate what would my daughter think, "Moms are to stay home and do house work". This has been driving me crazy. I have to do something about it, I feel this is putting a big strain on our marriage. I have to let this out, I really dont have anyone to talk to about this. I'm on the computer looking for work everyday might as well release some rage I have. LOL! Well thats it for today...
I sympathise entirely. I was in that position about 20 years ago. I felt humiliated and degraded asking for money each time I wanted the tiniest thing for myself. I also wanted to provide a more positive role model for my daughters and teach them that financial independence is vital for a woman.
In the end, I managed to get a grant to enable me to retrain and have more up to date qualifications. It took another year of study, but six months after I finished the course, I found a temporary job. The people I worked for encouraged me to apply for a permanent job elsewhere, although I did not feel confident. I got the job and stayed there 14 years. I have never looked back since and am now a freelance doing what I want to do, when I want to do it.
Hoping that you find the opportunity you need.
Instead of "Moms are to stay home and do housework"...try looking at it this way:
"Moms who stay at home to take care of their children are to be commended, NOT looked down upon".
Stepping up to the plate to raise your child is a GOOD thing, not something to be embarrassed about...think about it.
Just do like my wife does and say, "it's OUR money" and take as much as you want.
After 34 years of marital bliss I've learned it's all 'Her' money. Works for me.
Yeah, that's pretty well spot on. Strangely enough, their all 'My" bills. Figure that one out. LOL
34 years?? OMG here I was thinking you was 25 years old you're really are a handful aren't ya?
My advice is to think about self employment, this week the Hubmob are doing Hubs on Small Business, some interesting stuff there already, there are many successful on line businesses, think about it, can you identify a niche in the market......what are your skills, do you really need to work for someone else......whats your star sign.....I done all the stars in the threads yesterday.....look your up and see whats in store.........why work for someone else if you could work for yourself......think about it....read about it....look around you....dont let anyone hold you back....especially him......you know what I mean....come on lets go
I encouraged my wife to start something for herself. She and I reasonsed together and she started a teaching career. We chose teaching for her so that she can have time to look after our children when they start coming.
So, sit down with your husband and make him see reason with you and why you need to work.
They will say that every contribution matters towards writing off the fixed (that is in accounting)but, it still applies to family and marriage life
Yeah, actually despite of what feminists want you to believe, "Moms are to stay home and do house work" and dads are to provide. This is how we are biologically wired
There is nothing wrong with that, both functions are crucial to the family well being - just women are better suited to take care of the kids, and men are better suited to hunt down a mammoth.
A woman who stays home and is financially dependent on her partner has very few options if the relationship becomes intolerable. A woman with a job and money has the freedom to leave. If I had not achieved financial independence, I'm not sure I'd even be alive today.
Well, if you weigh it all out, and I did when my children were small...I preferred to take the chance of being the one who raised my children, rather than to let someone else do it.
To me--it was the most important decision I've ever made, and I've never regretted it--and my kids have thanked me for it...
LOL I had to switch into threaded view to see if you were replying to me.
Rather then going into a lengthy explanations, clarifications, and debate, I would just prefer to agree to not completely agree to you and leave it at this. Not about your personal experience of course.
The answer to the problem you pose is "get a good lawyer, its half yours and you are entitled to it!" A stay at home Mom is more valuable than a dozen career women!
You have a full time job. You work in the home. As soon as you find employment somewhere, you will work outside the home. Enjoy the time with your child while you still have it. I speak from experience. Being dependent on your spouse for income feels humilitating, but it's not a terrible situation. But....isn't he dependent on YOU to manage the household? Think about it. I admire you for trying so hard. You'll find a job.
My children attended playgroup and nursery even when I was home. I considered it beneficial to their overall development. When I started working, nothing changed. My daughters are now grown women, who are well-balanced and successful in their lives. They are both financially independent and free to make their own decisions concerning their futures.
They have on many occasions spontaneously expressed gratitude to me on the mothering they received from me.
When they were small, I was frequently congratulated, even by complete strangers, about how well I was bringing up my children.
I am totally happy with the decisions I took, and so are my daughters. If SAHMs wish to feel superior to me, they are free to do so; I don't give a toss. I am very glad I refused to stay in that position myself.
How ironic...as a SAHM, the working mothers were constantly looking down their nose at me--I struggled for years to overcome the bias and condescending attitudes that I received on a daily basis...so if I'm a tad overzealous with my opinion, I hope you can understand why.
As far as financial independence--my husband worked full-time, and the money he made went to all of us. When he fell ill, and couldn't work, the money that I brought in from working from home went to all of us...there has never been "his" or "her" money in our home...and we've managed to stay together for over 20 years, happily...
Tammy, you're extremely lucky to be married to someone decent, who values what you do.
Unfortunately not all women are as lucky as you. If you're married to a control freak (or worse, a control freak who resents the fact that you dared to have kids), then it ain't so simple.
Empress--Thank you. I know I am very lucky...now. I was married before to an unfaithful idiot(sorry, but he was), so I really do understand about bad relationships. But, even at that, we did share the same feelings about my raising our two children...go figure...
Shelly stays home and takes care of the kids and she's been doing it for seven years ... I go out and earn the bread and think nothing of it (mainly because *I* would go insane sitting home with the kids every day while *she* worked).
Nuclear families existed like this all throughout the 60s, so you're not mooching any more than your grandmother was off of your grandfather. You just perceive things differently because you come from a generation where most women work.
Oddly enough, it was Women's Lib that created the current two-bread winner society. With couples working they could afford more than the single person - and did. Everyone family live lavish lives as they bought more into the American Dream, never realizing the cost that would come in the end.
Luxury became common place (and expected) which meant more and more of our salaries went to items we never considered purchasing before (A TV for every room, brand new appliances (not hand-me-downs) and so on. No longer do we run things until their broke, we replace them when they grow old - and this costs money. As such, we find ourselves held in check by our luxuries - thus the need for a two-wage family.
Want to go back to the 60s? Consider how things worked back then:
You had one television in the TV room - that's it! You didn't have cable TV, you had whatever came over the antenna for free, so there was no cable bill.
You had no cell phone (didn't exist yet) and nearly all of your calls were local, as you were charged for each call. As such, your phone bill was very low.
You probably had a wood burner in your living room for those cold nights up north - and everyone slept beside it when it grew cold out - as you could not afford to heat the whole house then. In fact, you probably lived in a small apartment back then, which cost less.
At the age of 14 your kids already had jobs, helping out at the local grocery store, paper route, or otherwise, and this income was combined with your own to get broken appliances repaired.
You also didn't have a dishwasher (unless you count your own two hands), a clothes washer (you washed by hand), or a dryer (you hung your clothes out on the line).
Now, some will say that many of these things existed during the 60s ... and they did . but back then they were considered as a *luxury* and aren't as common as they are now. You would be hard pressed nowadays to find a house without these items nowadays, but back then they weren't so common - because people with one income often couldn't afford them.
Sometimes I think we forget what it is we work for, because we see everyone else has the same things and we neglect to consider these items were all once luxuries.
So, in response to your original query ... you're not being a mooch ... your fulfilling the same role your grandma,her grandma, and her grandma before her did. As such, you need not feel bad about yourself ... so long as you are caring for the household while your husband is at work.
And when you find a job ... let him split the house chores, by reminding him that you then have a job as well ... and he will then need to split those house chores with you that you had been doing all by yourself.
Very good way to look at this Yoshi
Maybe you are recieving a gift - an opportunity. A chance to fulfill a dream, change careers, become self employed, etc. Life throws a few curves that in hindsight were gifts
I think there's a lot to be said for being a SAHM, and I tried for years to be able to do it. Unfortunately, it also depends on your spouse...though my ex said he'd love to have me home, when it actually happened he started using it as a point of control. I could not ask for little things I wanted, since I "didn't work" I wasn't entitled to it, in his opinion. Then it got worse...I had to ask for the things I wanted at the grocery store, but if anything ever went bad or didn't get eaten as fast as he thought it should I couldn't have it anymore. I love salads, but once got really busy in a week and some of the produce went bad...well, no more salads for me then.
I guess in a way that was a good learning experience for me...I was with him for five years, but the increasing control and unreasonable demands led me into the freelancing career I have now. Before I met my husband, I was a single stay-at-home mom and was thrilled to be able to do it. Now, my husband is extremely supportive and we've set up the bills so that he pays for all of the required stuff, and my money goes to buying the things we want and goes into savings. We're planning on having another kid (I had my son with my ex) and he wants to make sure that I don't have to work unless I want to, because family is the first priority.
Don't deminish the importance of the job you are doing. We have always pooled our resources and never claimed ownership. You'll find a job. Be creative and think outside the box. You're his wife and I'm sure he never gives it a thought!
That is what we've always done, also.
Is this a generational thing or something--the having his and her money? I don't mean this in a bad way, honestly--I'm just curious as to why so many couples separate their finances this way.
Isn't marriage a two-become-one concept anymore? It always has been for us, and we've had no problems at all.
Really, I'd love to hear why couples feel the need to do this now, because I really don't understand!
Maybe because divorces are more common? I know that issues during past divorces have made both my mom and stepdad head shy about co-mingling funds, and my husband prefers to keep money in separate accounts...even though we both have access to both accounts...with my ex, we had our separate accounts and then we had a joint bill account. Every paycheck we each contributed our portion to the bill account, and everything else stayed in our individual accounts for all other expenses. When I no longer had a paycheck coming in, he continued operating in the same way and never gave a thought to me not having any money at all.
Thanks for taking the time to explain that--I appreciate it, and I'm so sorry that things worked out the way they did for you...
Ah yes...as for generational...I honestly don't think it is. My ex is 27 now, he was 21 when I got together with him...but my mom will be 47 in a couple of weeks, my stepdad is 52, and my husband is 50 and they all have co-mingling issues too.
And things are working out great now ...chalk it up to learning, I suppose, we can never fully appreciate the great men in our lives until we've had to endure the selfish, controlling, unfaithful idiots.
LOL I can soooo relate on co-mingling issues. My wife is 17 years younger, and I just turned 50
You cradle-robber you, Misha! Just kiddin'...
Looks like we're the same age--I didn't know that!!!
No worries Misha, you and my husband can certainly relate...though he's even more of a cradle robber...he turned 50 in September and I'm 27 years younger . It took my mom a while to warm up to him...being as she's just now coming up on her 47th birthday.
I agree, maybe it's just a sign of the times...
I'm so glad that things are better for you now, though! And yes, I would've never realized how darn lucky I was with Tom if I hadn't had that horrendous jerk of an ex before him, lol...
Well, don't know how generational you want it to be. I'm 56 and and my partner is 61.
We choose to have a joint account into which we put money to cover regular automated payments connected with the house and car. He tends to buy most of the day to day food at the moment, while I tend to pay for the big shops when we stock up.
This is a new arrangement. I was paying everything to do with house and car until recently. Over that time, he had to keep up a nominal apartment, so that we would not be seen as cohabiting from a legal perspective.
Once our finances get back on track following divorce settlements, in which we were both scr___d by our exes, we will probably review the matter and add in some extra cash to cover most food, meals out and holidays.
Whatever is left is private money, which we use as we please for ourselves or for joint matters if we so desire.
My partner spent 30 years with a woman who refused to pull her weight financially and whined whenever he used his earnings to buy something for himself. He is happy to be able to use his money as he pleases.
I spent 13 years with someone who used money to dominate and humiliate me until I became financially independent and was able to leave him. I then spent several years bringing up two children on my own on a small income. Have you ever been in the position of praying that the school bazaar would have secondhand items of school uniform because new clothes were too expensive? Or scouring supermarkets for food being sold off cheap on Saturday night? That was my life, because the father did not wish to contribute sufficiently so I could feed and clothe my children. I was unable to get a settlement from him, because all my money went on legal fees to get custody of my daughters after they had expressed the desire to stay with me rather than with him. I actually asked them which option they preferred before starting the fight. At the time, two thirds of my income was going to pay the mortgage on the house I bought to house myself and my daughters.
After that, I had ten years with someone who conned me into marrying him so he could live rent-free and have a claim on my house. Then, after his personal hygiene deteriorated to such an extent that I could not share a bed with him, finally I got him out of my house. He lied and cheated through the divorce proceedings so I had to pay him 18 months of income despite the fact he earns twice as much as me, has private health insurance, company pension, perks, the lot, while I support myself as a freelance.
As far as I'm concerned, no man is EVER going to have financial claims on me again. No man is going to dictate what I can do with my money.
Thus, our current set-up pleases both of us. In fact, my partner has been subsidising me for some time while my money has gone in legal fees and settlement. However, he has done that by his own free choice.
Incidentally, my partner does most of the cooking, because he has a small pension (his ex ripped him off for half of it) and does a bit of expert witness work. I work 70+ hour weeks as a freelance translator.
Well, I guess it isn't a generational thing, then, because I'm 50, and my husband is 54. I used that term only because, when I was in my 20's and 30's, I hardly ever heard about couples with separate financial accounts.
I, in no way, meant to turn this into a contest into whose had the hardest knocks...believe me, I've had my share, also, before I married Tom, my husband.
I was a single mom of two in the 80's, and while the situation was different than yours, I struggled in many ways that I don't want to even think about anymore. My ex was terrible, a sloth really, and to this day, still owes Tom and I thousands and thousands of dollars in child support, which we will never see.
But...that was then, and this is now. I no longer let him take up space in my head--it's over, and the anger is gone. I was lucky to find someone, finally, who sees things in the same way that I do. He has never once looked down on me for "not pulling my weight financially".
I have my views--you have yours...it's quite obvious they are NOT the same, but I wish you luck in your life, as you choose to live it...
LOL Tam, that's exactly what her parents still think of me, after two kids and 10 years together
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