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Talking with your Teenage Girl without Arguing? Absolutely!

Updated on October 15, 2012

Teens are Definitely Worth all the Work

Teenagers are amazing to me. When you look in their faces you can see promise and curiosity. They have every opportunity to do anything they want with their lives. They are smart and eager and the world is theirs for the taking! It’s inspiring to see that much hope and adventure just waiting to unfold.
Our job as their parents is to teach them what they need to know to be happy, adjusted, well rounded, productive adults. It is also our job to keep them safe. Safe from external forces and from themselves. I’m not implying that parents micro-manage their kids, only that you take the steps necessary to assure that your child has every opportunity to succeed. Success as it’s being used in these hubs means to have peace in your life, happiness that your choices are your own, strength to reach for your goals, and the self empowerment and confidence to make your life everything you want it to be. Teaching these lessons is a challenge to say the least especially since most of us are struggling with them ourselves.
These hubs will hopefully help guide you through the maze so your teenager can have everything you wanted for her when she was born.

DO

Listen to your daughter! Be interested in the social and school stuff that’s going on in her life. It is an extremely important time in her life and she will need some guidance navigating the social maze while staying on task with school work. Make sure there is time when you are physically and emotionally available to her. (in the car, or while making dinner, etc) She will open up and when she does, don’t dismiss what she says because it doesn’t seem important to you. Her world is still pretty small and the experiences are all new. All the kids at this age are trying to figure out how to relate to each other and it’s very hard and confusing. This is a great opportunity to let her know how you feel about situations that come up for her as well.

DON'T

Argue with her. You are the adult. When you get into a screaming match you have instantly put the two of you on the same level and lost already. Teenagers (and some adults) frequently get defensive and angry when they get caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing. Don’t let her project her guilt onto you and suck you into an argument. Inevitably this will just leave you feeling guilty and the cycle will continue. It’s a rollercoaster you don’t want to ride. They also use emotional outbursts as a tool to manipulate you or guilt you into giving them what they want. Set the boundary or consequence that’s necessary and walk away. Let her know that if she can’t talk to you without being disrespectful or crying/screaming then she should go to her room and calm down and the two of you can talk about it when she’s ready. You have to set the standard of what behavior you will tolerate. She will learn a lot from this! 1) she will learn that when she express’ her anger/frustration or sadness without ‘freaking out’ she will be heard and taken seriously. (fits don’t work) 2) she will learn how to set those boundaries for herself and reduce the chances that she will allow friends/boyfriends to yell and scream at her. It is a tremendous lesson she will carry through life.

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      lovedoctor926 5 years ago

      very good advice and parenting skills.

    • jpcmc profile image

      JP Carlos 5 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

      Hi roxanne459. I hope i do a good job at being a father to my daughter. Thanks for the encouraging words.

    • roxanne459 profile image
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      Roxanne Lewis 5 years ago from Washington

      jpcmc, the teen years are my favorite! If you can remember what it felt like to be a teen it will be a million times easier to help your daughter through it. Those years can be brutal and she will need your compassion and strength. I can tell those years aren't going to be as hard for your daughter as they are for some others because she will have you! You are already looking for ways to prepare yourself to help her. She is very lucky!! :)

    • jpcmc profile image

      JP Carlos 5 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

      Thanks for the insights on talking with a teen-age girl. Is raising teenagers really that challenging. I've been a teenager of course but seeing it from the parent's point of view is still amystery to me. My daughter is still a baby but I'm curious to know what challenges I must face in the future.

    • roxanne459 profile image
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      Roxanne Lewis 5 years ago from Washington

      Techygran, you are so funny! I have no doubt your granddaughters will have an easier time than most during their teen years. After all, they have lots of love protecting and guiding them! Thank You

    • techygran profile image

      Cynthia 5 years ago from Vancouver Island, Canada

      So much universal wisdom here... thank you! I have young granddaughters and find this world a terribly scary place when I think of them 'out there in it'. I'm thinking Grandpa and I will have to find a big 2-family house so we can be really close to them in their teens(hmm... somehow don't think my daughter-in-law would go for this idea lol). I'll pass your wisdom pieces on. Voting UP!

    • roxanne459 profile image
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      Roxanne Lewis 5 years ago from Washington

      Thank you Sassydee! ;)

    • sassydee profile image

      Delilah 5 years ago from los angeles, ca

      voted up and useful very good hub written well

    • roxanne459 profile image
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      Roxanne Lewis 5 years ago from Washington

      Thank you Vinaya Ghimire. The teenage years are definitely hard for everyone involved! I'm sure your niece and her mother will be fine and I hope this helps. ;)

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

      My teen niece is having problems with her mother. I will share this article with the mother who face complications with her teen age daughter.

    • roxanne459 profile image
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      Roxanne Lewis 5 years ago from Washington

      Thank you teaches12345! It's so hard to stay calm as your child changes as starts challenging you yet, it's so important! Staying connected to your teen and keeping your cool in heated situations is a full time job but the most rewarding one we will ever have the privilege of doing! ;)

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      Great advice for parents with teen daughters (and sons too). Your suggestion to listen touches on the key to communication that proves beneficial to both parent and child. These are tough years for everyone and the better informed we are of what to expect the smoother the road.

    • roxanne459 profile image
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      Roxanne Lewis 5 years ago from Washington

      TripleAMom, you two are Awesome! Your kids are lucky to have you and they will definitely appreciate you and all of your efforts. Thank You! :)

    • TripleAMom profile image

      TripleAMom 5 years ago from Florida

      Great advice. Working on this myself. With a 15 year old boy, 12 year old girl, and 6 year old girl it's often difficult to keep calm when they decide that rules are "stupid" or parents "aren't fair" or "all my friends can", but my husband and I have been working hard on keeping calm, not taking behavior personally, not talking to them in anger, and using "the conversation is over until you can talk appropriately". We're not perfect, but hopefully the kids will see that we've tried hard.

    • roxanne459 profile image
      Author

      Roxanne Lewis 5 years ago from Washington

      Thank you sassydee! :)

    • sassydee profile image

      Delilah 5 years ago from los angeles, ca

      this is good very useful

    • roxanne459 profile image
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      Roxanne Lewis 5 years ago from Washington

      I have a 22 year old daughter and two boys ages 9 and 11 years old also. ;) I am also gearing up for round 2! All we can do is try our best everyday.

      Thank you so much!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Very good advice! I have a 23 year old and a 10 and 12 year old. I did have lots of arguments with my oldest and would feel that guilt. I talked to her a ton though when I was calm about how much I hated being the person in charge of making sure she knew how to behave as a productive adult. I told her it would be so much easier if I just didn't care.

      Thank you - I am gearing up for 2 and 3 and learning every day! Great positive points here. Welcome to HP:)