The Ups and Downs of Living With Parents
The pain of losing someone or something is bad enough, but what is worse is returning back home knowing that you have the kind of parents who can't wait to give you a good tongue lashing or worse an emotional or physical beat down for not listening to them in the first place. Then they have the nerve to ask, "Why do you resent coming home so much?"
You know that some things may have been prevented while you lived on your own, but other people, places or things not so much. Yet, it is what it is and now you have to beat by the drum of parents who you rely on to help you at least for a time. Some welcome sons and daughters back home with open arms, others don't. Some will be loving, kind and understanding, others will ask, "When you plan on leaving? And are you planning on contributing to the household expenses while you're here?" even if you don't have a job as of yet.
The joy of living with parents, those who told you so and those who simply want what's best for you!
Moving Back in With The Parents
They weren't ready for me back in 1999, my parents that is, I mean the last time I lived with them, I didn't have any children. But this time around, I had a baby and he was a mere six months old.
In the beginning, my middle-aged parents were very helpful. They made sure my son and I had what we needed things like diapers, new clothes for baby, food, and anything that happened to come up. However, I needed money and lots of it so that I could move out before things got old. The happy atmosphere wore off less than a few weeks after we got there. I noticed that the grandparents were beginning to parent not only me, but my child too. There was a bit of tension between us when it came to my son as well as their schedule and the father's schedule. For instance, if my child's father wanted to pick our son up on a weekend (in addition to one day during the week he had our child), there was protest because supposedly the grandparents "might" have something planned. I detected some controlling behaviors and temperaments so I stepped up trying to work things out with the ex while saving more money to move out sooner. I got a second job. It was like overnight the atmosphere had changed. The parents could see I meant business. My child's father appeared to want to make some changes (and of course knowing I had more money tickled his ears--years later our make-up to break-up, then make-up to break-up again ended in divorce).
I was gone most of the time while staying with the parents. I spent a few hours with the baby before it was time to go sleep and get back up again to go to work. During this time, I had also met a nice guy who was looking to spend a little bit of quality time with me as well. Unfortunately, nothing happened with the nice guy, who also offered to open his home up to us, simply because I was dealing with two things: past feelings regarding my son's father and having to rush home after work because grandma was weary from watching my son all day.
It wasn't easy knowing I had to work, figure out a budget to give to my parents, save money to move out, and work something out with my son's father who wasn't providing enough toward the diaper fund.
In time my son's father and I began to date again and soon after a ring followed. My parents were elated (moreso my mother) about the engagement, because that meant I would be soon leaving their home and they could have their peace back (no crying, no poopy diapers, and caring for a baby all day.) However, something within me wasn't ready to leave. I wasn't too sure that my child's father would take care of us. After many conversations and spending time together, like friends, I came to realize moving back with my son's father under the prerequisite of having a date to marry was the best decision for me at the time.
I encourage anyone who is debating whether or not being with your son or daughter's mother or father is the right thing to do, it is. Although the possibility the relationship might not work (like in my case years later we divorced) it is still a wise decision, because you know you gave the relationship everything you got such as: time, money, love, and your son or daughter a mother or father.
Nicholl McGuire is the creator of this blog and maintains a site on Twitter @helpforpeople
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When Living With Parents Who Still See You As Their Little Boy, Little Girl
You are an adult living with parents and you know you should be moving
soon, but the time isn't right. You have been struggling with the
timing for awhile now and you have various reasons for why you want to
continue to live with your parents. Throw in a girlfriend or boyfriend
in the mix and things can get complicated. What is it that keeps us at
home when we know we should leave?
Your parents have been responsible for your well-being since you were born; therefore, it would only make sense you would want to stay with them. However, you aren't a baby anymore and they aren't interested in caring for a grown man or woman no matter how much they say, "Take your time, it's okay -- get your life together." They have their reasons too why they want you to stay and also why they want you to go. They may not tell you how they truly feel, but no husband and wife, in a healthy relationship with one another, really wants their children hanging around. You will need to find peace of mind and security in your own abilities. Start by having a faith, seeking a support system outside of your family, and if need be, a good job with benefits.
Parents make it hard for you to go when they are cooking, cleaning and doing everything else for you. However, you must remember that at some point iron wears out and whoever is doing all these nice things for you will eventually tire of you. Start taking the initiative now to do your own tasks. The sooner you start, the better, because you will have to do them on your own anyway. Take the time to ask your parents how to do certain activities to help you before your transition. This way you won't feel so out of sorts once you are on your own. (And you will feel strange for awhile, that's another article!)
Money is always funny with people who are being taken care of by others. It is very easy to take the money you make and use it for frivolous things rather than pay bills, give those that you live with financial assistance, as well as take care of other responsibilities. Yet, you will want to begin budgeting everything you spend if you sincerely desire to move out as soon as possible.
Some people prefer to stay at home because they are motivated to start a business, don't want to commit to a job due to legal obligations, or think their parents have or have not left them something in their will, so they want to stick around to find out. Whatever the reason opportunities come and go (and some never come,) don't hold up your life waiting for things that have brought nothing back despite all your efforts.
It is very easy to be tempted to act like the child you were years ago and let mommy and daddy map out your daily life for you, but as the great Christian biblical scripture goes (NIV, King James Versions) "When I was a child I spoke like a child, but when I became a man I put childish ways behind me." If you are in a relationship, the same bible talks about how a man is to cleave to his wife. There are too many men (and women) who are clinging to their mommies/daddies and because of that they aren't making very good husbands or wives. The end result: a disgruntled partner who ends up taking he or she to divorce court.
Are You Having a Personal Crisis?
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© 2010 Nicholl McGuire