Random Family

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   sandra rinckposted 14 years ago

   I was going to write a hub about this but I thought I would just talk about it here.
   
   Ok, my real dad I haven't seen in forever.  I saw him about 7 years ago breifly because my brother had issues about him and my mom divorsing when we were young, so we searched and we found him back home in Washington.
   
   Although he said he would keep in touch, he never did.  I don't consider him my dad because he never gave two shits about what happen to me or my brother.  So when we went there to find him, it turned out that he had two other kids.
   
   Two girls, they were cute and we snapped a couple of pictures and that was it.  Never heard from anyone again even though I tried to stay in contact.
   
   Today, I dicided to look at my myspace page because I was bored, and oh look!  My sister?  Half sister anyways...wants to be my friend on myspace. 
   
   For some reason I am pissed off!  I don't know why really other than I saw a picture of my friggin dad old and at the moment I feel very bitter.  You know cus he totally left my mom alone and didn't give her child support and never called me or my brother or sent birthday cards and then our grandparents didn't call us anymore either.
   
   So when I look at this girl and my dad with her and them being a family.  I....I feel very angry. 

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      BDazzlerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah, Sandy, I don't blame you for being generally angry. And I know you know it's not your half sister's fault .... but in my humble, yet entirely correct, opinion, you absolutely deserve better.
      
      Great Big Tearful Bear Hug.

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         sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Sweet, I will take that hug and raise you another. 

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            BDazzlerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Love those hugs!

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   sandra rinckposted 14 years ago

   No, you know what it is, it is because the first thing I see on her page is "I have a huge family", and comments like about how precious family is especially the one that says, "Ohana means "family" Family means never left out or fogotten".

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   Mishaposted 14 years ago

   I wonder if my older kid thinks along those lines, too....

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      sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

        You have more than Sasha and Milla?

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   Mishaposted 14 years ago

   LOL I never tried to conceal that - just take a look at my profile - I have Yura

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      sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I never noticed.  I am a bad friend.     yikes!  strike on for me.  So what happened with Yura?

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   Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

   Sandra, I'm really sorry to hear of your family experience. Sadly, it's not uncommon. Not that knowing that makes it any easier.
   It's understandable you would be angry with your dad. But his daughter didn't hurt you, she's innocent in all this. She may have pure motives in wanting to connect with you via Facebook.
   Of course that doesn't mean you have to be friends with her...
   I will say this, from my own experience, forgiveness is a beautiful and healing thing. Not easy to do, but worth it if you can.

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      sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Those are sweet sentiments, ones that I am in touch with.  I am not mad at her, she cute as hell and she has a cute little boy and she was practically a baby when we first met. 
      
      It's the other stuff you know, seeing your own dad with another girl. lol.  It was also more like my bitterness with the family comments touched a nerve because I know that my dad loves her very, very much so to see, "family means no one forgotten or left behind" and know that my dad did just that with me and my brother, forgotten.  So she is special.  No doubt, I don't expect that she wouldn't be...I got issues. 
      
      Plus knowing that they, my dad that side of the family, was always well to do while we got to struggle....what can I say?

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   Mishaposted 14 years ago

   Not a bad friend at all
   
   I am surprised this did not surfaced earlier.
   
   He is fine thanks god, but our communication is very limited - yet we do some instant messaging like once a month on average..

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      sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      It is better than nothing at all.  Do you miss him?

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   Lady Guinevereposted 14 years ago

   Sandra, I don't know what to say with this but wanted you to know that I suppoort you and understand why you feel the way that you do.
   Sending you a BIG HUG!!

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   Leta Sposted 14 years ago

   I understand where you are coming from, Sandra.  I have a weird drama in my family, too (very few do not), although your dad just refusing to be a part of your life IS pretty rough and unfair.
   
   As MM said, the half sister really cannot be blamed.  She's innocent in this--except for the connection to your dad.  I have no idea what men like that, who abandon their children, think--it is completely beyond my comprehension, it is so irresponsible & also would be like ripping out part of yourself.
   
   I don't know what I'd do concerning your half-sister (I have 3 half-brothers, but it is a different story).  I don't think you are under obligation to have a relationship with her, if that is what you are wondering.  But equally I don't think she probably even knows the full story of what it is has been like for you, so you probably are misplacing anger about your dad onto her...
   
   ??  That make any sense or help?

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      sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I feel like a total cry baby but can I just keep going without getting on anyones nerves?  LOL. 
      
      Thanks for the hug LG...
      
      Lita,
      
      I guess the trouble I would have, having a relationship with her isn't her per say.  I guess I can equate to having and ex boyfriend who has a new girlfriend and still being friends with him but cringing everytime you had to hear how wonderful his new girlfriend is. 
      
      I am definitely angry with my dad!  Still it seems poitless to wrestle with the thoughts since it is not likely he would ever talk to me anyways.
      
      I really can't say with certainty why this is bothering me at the moment when it didn't bother me before.  Maybe it is because my other dad recently forgot about my kids birthday which happens to be the same day as his new wifes and his new grandsons.  He didn't call me on Thanksgiving or send me a Christmas card or anything.
      
      Know with my step dad I know that he loves me very much so it is not such a big deal but when he called a couple days after Christmas and started talking the whole time about his grandson Jordan...I know parents love thier grandkids, but my daughter is his grandkid too.
      
      I have two half brothers too but I love them like my real brothers, I actually couldn't imagine them not being my real brothers and I don't feel the same way about her and her sister as I do about my baby brothers. 
      
      Do you think someone can come to realize they have had "abandonment" issues their whole lives and never put it together?

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   Mishaposted 14 years ago

   Sure I do miss him. I think he misses me, too - but hearing every day how bad his dad is does not make a task easier for him
   
   Actually I just wanted to show you the other side of the fence - Sasha is dying to talk to Yura, to see him, to share with him. Genuinely. So if any analogy holds, your half sister is your genuine unconditional lover - how many others love you that way?

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      sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Misha, you are a blessed gem!  xoxoxoxox

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         Leta Sposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Yeah, Misha.  I think that is the wisest kindest thing I've heard you say here on hubpages...
         
         Smart man. 

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            sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Yeah, few people can put things in an enlightened prospective for me.  Saint Misha is one of those who can.  Speaking of Saint Misha, were did your saints clothes go?

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    Mishaposted 14 years ago

    :-*

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    Mishaposted 14 years ago

    Hey Lita, I've heard you have half-brothers?

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    mistyhorizon2003posted 14 years ago

    Really tricky subject Sandra. My full Sister and I are good friends with our half Sister and Brother from our Father's 1st marriage, but there was another marriage in between, so our Mum was not responsible for any break up. My real Dad (now long deceased), would have lost touch with the children from his wartime marriage if my Mother hadn't encouraged contact to be resumed. I even lived with my Half Sister fro a while when I first moved off Guernsey to the UK mainland at the age of 18. Her Son, (my half Nephew) adores me even now he is grown up.
    
    Obviously your situation is a bit more complicated, and my advice would be to write to your Dad and tell him how you feel about this and why. If he fails to come back to you, or to be apologetic and make a renewed effort, I have to say if it were me, rightly or wrongly, and without being too bitchy about it, I would gently explain to this girl how you feel about the way you and your family were treated by your Father, and why. If she is now a mature adult she will probably understand why you feel the way you do once you explain things to her, and may even sympathise once she is in possession of all the facts.
    
    A relationship with her can still come out of this once you get the inner frustration released. Until then it is like an abscess full of pus that badly needs draining, and until you lance it and release the pressure it will become more and more infected.

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       mistyhorizon2003posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I would also mention the land you are entitled to in the letter to your Dad as well, and if no positive response is forthcoming, seek legal advice on principle.

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    Leta Sposted 14 years ago

    Misha-
    Yes.  But it is an entirely different story....  I have 'half' brothers that I always thought were half brothers, which my father raised and supported, but...  Were NOT half brothers after all. 
    
    It's kind of a mess. My father's first wife...  I don't even want to go into the details, its that bad...
    
    Anyway, one half brother, much older than me and my two sisters, has decided to sue my father (now 76, has had a stroke and living on social security) for a little back 'child' support at whatever age he now is.  The sum was $5,000 or something back in the 60's or 70's or whatever, and now, with interest, it is $25,000, which isn't that much but kills my poor parents living on social security (they got a lawyer and pay just a very little each month which we figured out was the least stressful thing).
    
    Sigh.  This 'brother' is wealthy, too, and doing it on behalf of his mother, who always said everything was my dad's fault... 
    
    ANYWAY, suffice it to say I very much see the man's side in these affairs, too, and how unfair the system is to them....
    
    Long story, I know, .  See, there is no way you can help with this one, lol....

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       sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Dang!  My mom always tells me that I should get a lawyer because apperantly I am entitled to 150 acers of land in Georgia that my mom had gotten as a wedding gift from my real dads parents. 
       
       I sometimes wonder if I should do that or not but I never really had enough balls to do something like that.  What do you think?

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          Mishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          I'd say don't do that. Talk to him. Tell him about your life.
          If you treat him like shit, you are likely to get the same in return.
          Yeah, you told me he did it to you first.
          Does it remind you about Israeli-Palestinian war? Give it a thought

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       Mishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Sorry Lita, I don't have any idea here. What they are doing is plain wrong on my books.
       
       But at least you let it out

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    Leta Sposted 14 years ago

    Sandra-
    
    Oh, heck, yeah.  If it DOES belong to you.  A girl needs to look after herself, and I think owning land is one of the best investments out there.  I own a couple plots I bought, which have appreciated in value, even now...
    
    Your dad AT least owes you this.  (He actually owes you much more.)  He should be able to see that--if he doesn't, my God, what a loser...
    
    But I don't think anyone can be THAT much of a loser.  Maybe you should just tell him you want it and he owes it to you?

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    Leta Sposted 14 years ago

    Misha-
    Yeah, its fine, .  I advised my parents with the lawyer.  It was what I could do to help....
    
    BTW, nice new photo...  You should cut your hair short like the other earlier one, I think, tho--that suits you... 

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       Mishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Actually I have short hair now - this one is from September

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    Leta Sposted 14 years ago

    Yep, Misty...  Good advice.

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    sandra rinckposted 14 years ago

    I don't know what to say Lita and Misty...
    
    I am just sitting back in my chair thinking about what you all are saying.  I gotta tell ya my heart is pounding, maybe my nerves, my excitement, maybe tension. 
    
    I guess in my head I am asking myself is it worth it?  Will this reconcile the "empty" feeling?  Will I feel justice if I did write him (again) or have the sister I always wished I had had?  Would I be doing damage to thier family if I did?

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       Mishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Land is not worth it IMO. Relationship is
       If you build good relationship with your half-sister, you'll get closer to your dad, too

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          Leta Sposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Wow...  This from a 'conservative?'
          
          I actually somewhat agree, but also know women a lot of times get in trouble valuing those relationships over taking care of themselves...often times financially.  So I would say try for the relationship, but if it doesn't work, take care of yourself--get the land.  $$.  If it makes you feel better, give some of it to needy kids or some other cause where you could help....

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             Mishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Not sure what conservative should mean - I don't label myself

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             sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             That is ultimately what I would end up doing since I would never move to Georgia anyways and don't know what I would do with that much land besides own it but giving it to people who could really use it, I know that would make me feel better.

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          sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          I dunno, I guess at the moment, the way that I am feeling right now, I don't know that I want a relationship with my dad.  As seemingly small this issue may be, it took a weird turn today and I feel sick in my stomach thinking about him. 
          
          Maybe because the idea of trying to have a relationship with him again is drudging up some bad joo joo because I had already been rejected a couple of times.  Is that something I want to do again...get rejected. 
          
          I guess you could say I am determining the outcome before I have done anything but this is one of those things, unexpected and surprising.  Caught me off gaurd.  Yes, I will have to think some more. 
          
          Not sure that I want to think too much.  I mean what if I dream up having a nice relationship with my dad and my sisters and I totally let set my heart on something that could have some strong emotional consequences. 
          
          What if it all turns out good and I start picking scabs off my moms wounds?  I dunno, Misha, I really don't know.  I think I should ask My God. 

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             Mishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Poor thing...
             
             Either way only you can decide together with your god. We don't know and can't possibly know all the details of your relationship with your dad.
             
             Since it came back into your life such forcefully, it is a time to re-think whatever was between you before. May be your attempts to rebuild relationships did not look like genuine ones from the other side? Remember our conversation about giving skills?
             
             Just from common sense and life experience - we all without exception want to be loved. I bet your dad, too. May be you can try to understand why he did what he did? May be you can try to forgive him and genuinely love him, if possible? May be if you do this he will love you back? No, scratch this, I am pretty much sure he loves you. May be he will let his love to be known, this sounds better
             
             IDK Sandy, try to put yourself in his shoes, as much as you manage. This will give you a better perspective. May be your mother was impossible to live with? May be he was given a divorce under condition he will never talk to you again? IDK, try to figure out what really happened, it may be different from what you were conditioned to think...

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    Leta Sposted 14 years ago

    Sandra-
    Well, if you are not ready, I think that is OK, too.  Really. 

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    mistyhorizon2003posted 14 years ago

    Follow your gut instincts and try not to end up carrying the bitterness inside rather than getting it off your chest. You can still do this without resorting to blatant nastiness, and it is healthier to let it out. I still think you need to write to your Dad and tell him how you feel and why, I know I would

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    Leta Sposted 14 years ago

    Misha--  Well, ?  You actually did call yourself that one night, so that's why I said that...  But it is fine.  Will Not Label Misha From Now On.  Wrote it down, lol...
    
    Sandra--  You know the best answer for yourself.  I'm only telling you what I'd tell one of my sisters...  Funny that girls have these issues.  You DO need to take care of yourself, emotionally and monetarily....  Just a thought,

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       Mishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Ooops, I did?
       Now you know the top secret
       
       Seriously, I don't think I fit anywhere, so I usually avoid those labels

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    sandra rinckposted 14 years ago

    Ok so I gave it a couple days and I wrote to her.  I guess I will see what happens.  I will keep my chin up and hope I get some answers and if not, well...I dunno.  Thanks guys for everything. 
    
    
    love you!

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    Leta Sposted 14 years ago

    Good for you, Sandra. 

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    pgrundyposted 14 years ago

    I think family consists of whoever is there for you when you need them and/or whoever would actually come to your funeral if you croaked--sometimes they are two different groups of people but they are both family, and it isn't like you're necessarily going to be friends with any of them, but they key thing is, they recognize those ties, blood or otherwise, and they honor them.
    
    Blood relatives who don't honor those ties have to be lovingly let go so that holding on to the anger and hurt doesn't do harm to your heart and body. That can be easier said than done.
    
    When I was 18 my only brother and about six of his friends kicked the crap out of me and left me unconscious in a public park. I won't go into the reasons, it doesn't matter--can there be any good reason? Anyway, when the cops came, my parents denied any knowledge of what happened, because they didn't want my brother to get into trouble--he had a big football scholarship pending and we were poor so they didn't want to blow his chance at an education. My sisters saw all this as small kids and never forgot it.
    
    I haven't seen my brother in over 25 years and don't consider him family. I don't hate him anymore but I had to get a lot of help to get to the point where I could let that go without resentment. It wasn't easy at all. My sisters I only see if someone dies--they are afraid of my brother and are both seriously addicted and ill. But I do consider them family even though we rarely see each other. I know they'd come to my funeral at least.
    
    My true closest immediate family consists of my partner Bill, my own grown kids, my grandson, and my in-laws, who all treat me wonderfully and with love. So family is not always what America says it is. Lots of pain in the world, and we all make the best of it. Your dad may come back to you some day, or he may never come back, but so long as you have love in your life you can at least be glad he gave you life--at least, eventually maybe you can be glad for that. I know it's hard though and it doesn't come fast.
    
    (((hugs))) to you Sandy. It will get better, it just takes time.

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    sandra rinckposted 14 years ago

    Gosh Pam, you have been treated so badly, I have nothing to complain about.  Your right, my family are the ones who are here. 
    
    I do think that Lita made a really good point and well I am just sick to death of being ignored and forgotten by my family. 
    
    It hurts when I think about the family life I could have had, had my dad just been there, had he paid child support....
    
    Nope instead my life consisted of my mom working two jobs, she was always gone and I was always left alone.  Nothing has changed much and now I have a kid and the sh*t rolls down. 
    
    We have been cut off for no reason and knowing that some sort of stability could have been had, or that I could have had a real relationship with anyone in my family just hurts.
    
    Sure, this is not really my style and I would go the rest of my life just leaving things alone but I have really just had enough.  Maybe it is the timing, maybe it is the finanial hardship that has pleauged my Mom and me for so long and seeiing this is also going to effect my kid...
    
    I get advice about how a relationship is more important, but when I tried and no one came, then I just don't feel that bad anymore about getting anything.
    
    I do deserve a decent life and if a family is something that was denied to me, then I will take something else.  I am not cruel and I put up with it all!
    
    I still loved my mom when she tried to kill herself and stabbed her friend in the leg for trying to stop her while my mom was telling me how much she hated me and that it was all my fault.
    
    I put up with all the stupid tears my mom cried because of the burden of having me and her inability to be a good mother to me and my brothers.
    
    I accepted that a lonely life was a good life still.  I got over my fears of intruders while being left alone at night while my mom and step dad where working.
    
    I choke up when I go to my friends houses or boyfriends houses and see that they have a family that loves them no matter what.
    
    I keep my mouth shut when I see my friends and loved ones parents give them things or help them financial when they need it because they are family.
    
    I keep loving regardless of being forgotten, I keep loving when told what a f**k up I am.  I keep loving when I am denied help and really need it.  I keep loving knowing that they don't love me back. 
    
    But I tell ya, I have just had enough of being forgetten, stepped on, walked all over, used, and denied when I have given every last bit of what I have but now I have a child and the same things are being done to her and that I just can't have. 
    
    I have to force a relationship on my kids dad and make him grow up.  I am just so sick of seeing what everyone else has and accepting that I don't have that and my kid does not have that.
    
    I don't care what people think about me or if it is wrong, I can't care because they did not care.

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       Lady Guinevereposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Sandra, as silly as this may sound look at this video:
       http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phL0RLKL8bc
       
       Get the Book "The Secret", by Rhonda Byrne

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          sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Thanks LG, I watched it and it was nice. 
          
          I will probably drop the whole thing and move on again, seems to work the best especially since she hasn't written back yet and I don't really feel like going the extra mile to seek justice on principals that are likely to not do any good for me anyways, plus TMG said that I would have needed to file a claim for back owed child support within five years of turning 18 in which case I am a little overdue.  What can I do?
          
          I do have that book. I picked it up at a garage sale this past summer for a 50 cents but never got around to reading it.  Maybe I will.  Thanks. 
          
          much love,
          sandra

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             Lady Guinevereposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             The book is a fast read and you will learn how to bring positive things into your life.  I am not saying that it will be easy but changing the way you think is what it takes.  It works though, you just need patience and perserverence.  I know you can do it just by how and what you post all over the place on Hubpages!!

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    pgrundyposted 14 years ago

    Well, I definitely hear your pain, and please don't think I'm saying anything like 'just get over it'--It sounds to me like you are ready to really process some of your very hurt and angry feelings about it all, and I commend you for it. It helped me to get lots of help with that--I mean I paid for therapists to help me release all that and it was worth every penny.
    
    People tend to not like to think about these kinds of things, so if you ask friends or strangers for help they get all uncomfortable and just want you to drop it. A good therapist will help you accept your feelings and express them in ways that don't get you or anyone else hurt so you can get on to better times. I think it takes a lot of courage to do that--to face those kinds of feelings. Most people just 'numb out' and it soon takes a toll on their lives. They have bad relationships or make the same mistakes over and over again or become addicts, and they just keep that up because they can't face the pain of how they really feel.
    
    You can't change your dad, but you can take your own pain and use it in some way that will benefit you. I wish you all the best of luck with it.
    
    Original family issues are the worst. My original family makes the Mansons look like the Waltons, but I can honestly say that eventually I came to a place of peace with it all--Not fast, but eventually!

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    sandra rinckposted 14 years ago

    She wrote back   Seems as though daddy was a jerk to them too and left them also!  With that said, now we are talking about being a family. Yeah!!!!! 
    
    I wrote to my  grandma and grandpa and now we will see where it goes from there.

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       Lady Guinevereposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Think positive!!!  HUGS

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       Lady Guinevereposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Think positive!!!  HUGS

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       Mishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Wooooooo-Hoooooooo!!!!!

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    Lady Guinevereposted 14 years ago

    So what's the update?  Did you watch that movie?  Did you get anything back from your grandparent's?

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