If not a flat-out Hatfields-McCoys, Montagues vs. Capulets choosing up sides feud, do you have an estrangement from anyone in your family?
Please share details as comfortable.
It is assumed that you are right and the other person(s) wrong.
I have learned that great wealth is often a cause for family estrangement. I wouldn't say my late grandfather was wealthy, but he and his daughter were estranged for several years because she decided she didn't like his new wife after all, calling her a "gold digger." Apparently, she pushed hard, in the beginning, for my widowed grandpa to marry this woman, and that's the ironic part. This all led to a big mess down the road, but my dear dad fixed the problem.
But that was not half as bad as the situation with our relatives who truly are rolling in wealth. There has been estrangement for years, on both sides of the family, with at least 6 people involved. If this had been the Ewing family on DALLAS, all would be forgiven eventually, and family members would return to the fold. Even J. R. Ewing was constantly forgiven and brought back. Sorry, the TV version of Texas oil wealth will rarely hold up in real life! And I can say that, as a Texan.
We have not had financial abuse or drunks in our family.
In my nuclear family, we do not enjoy great wealth, and I fully believe that we are better off because of it. If you have more money than you know what to do with, there are always going to be family members who believe that there just aren't enough pieces of the pie to go around, and therefore, they must protect their interests at all costs. How tragically short-sighted.
It is my constant prayer that my brother, sister, and I will always get along and be friendly, if not close.
Lust for money is the root of many evils, if not all evil.
I don't have a feud, per se. But, there are definitely issues between my sister and I.
And your assumption that I would be right, would be correct. I don't approve of drunk family members screaming at the top of their lungs in a full bar(which I was a patron of for over 15+ years at the time and she was less than 10 years) about my household issues.
We, to this day, are civil to one another due to the fact that my mother is alive, however, when that is no longer a thread that keeps us civil, I'm going to take off, leave the state and never see her again.
My dad's parents hate my mom, and my mom's mom hates everyone.
There's really not much else to say I guess... my dad's parents tried to bribe him with continued funding if he didn't marry my mom (he was their only son and spoiled) and my mom's mom was kind of neglectful and really not a very good mother to my mom...
My dad's parents are supposedly warming up to my mom and they love me, but I don't know how much of the flattery they feed me about my mom is actually truthful. And I just don't really like my grandmother on my mom's side. She's got problems. And my mom's dad was never in the picture. I only met him for the first time two years ago. My grandmother is still extremely bitter about her two divorces.
But family gatherings are fun-- I love to sit in the background and throw in the occasional spark, hoping it will start a fire.
My grandmother didn't like her daughter marrying my father and didn't approve of the marriage. However, my grandmother is dead now so it really doesn't matter.
Shanna, you are a little rebel.
It's pretty classic for one set of parents to disapprove of their son or daughter's choice of a spouse, isn't it?
I cannot imagine loving someone enough to marry them in spite of active opposition from their mother or father. It would be too hard.
But I would hope I would grow on them as I proved I was a good and worthy parter for their son.
Shanna, I love the story about your dad. Good for him for choosing love over money!
Cags, your story is all too familiar to me. Every family has a drunk and that person causes untold agony and devastation without uually even realizing it.
I hope your sister hits a bottom and gets sober. Sounds like she needs to.
Oh yes. Also hope you found a suitable bar subsititute!!
Yes it is all too familiar.
She isn't an alcoholic. It was just one night she was blitzed out of her mind and decided it was a good time to discuss it. I told her to refrain from doing so and when she got loud, I told her to go F*** herself. And, then she decided to do it again, at which time, I also told her to calm down and I grabbed her arms from flailing about and put them down by her side to get her to calm down. Her boyfriend stepped in and told me it was time I left, and went home. I told him to mind his business and stay out of my way. So, he took the opportunity to sucker punch me against the left side of my face. After which, I was restrained by the bouncers and was escorted out of the bar, and told to go home.
I did. I drink at home.
You're quite sure she's not an alcoholic?
I know alkies and that behavior sounds pretty suspect to me. Including the added drama caused by the boyfriend.
But that's neither here nor there.
I'm sorry you are estranged from your sister.
Sure do know what that's like.
I understand the feeling that there will be no further need for pretending once Mom dies.
Been there. Living that as we speak.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she isn't. But, then again what I think doesn't matter. I also don't think that the "string" keeping things civil is going to last much longer either.
My mother suffers from too many things presently. Her active conditions her doctor is monitoring- hyperthyroidism, depression, cancer of the colon(which 18 inches of intestines were removed with a 15% chance of it returning), 5 TIAs(minor strokes because of a small hole in her heart which the insurance company will not grant permission to have fixed because it can be handled and monitored through prescription medicine), Osteoporosis(being treated with calcium and high doses of vitamin D) and COPD(she is on two separate inhalers to help her breath).
I have had to deal with 2 coughing attacks that brought tears to her eyes.
Just to let you know.
Other than that, she's fine then?
I had no idea your mom was so ill. You really have your hands full. That's gotta be brutal on her, and uber brutal for a son to witness.
Been through variations on this theme 4 times.
I hope you continue to treasure her while you can.
I also tolerate my sisters behavior because of my mum. I haven't spoken to my brother since my died. My brother didn't come to the funeral because my mum asked him not to bring the woman he had left my sister-in-law and two kids for, because my sister in law would be there and my dads funeral would not be the right venue, if you know what I mean. Because my selfish brother could not get his own way, he didn't come to his own fathers funeral. I just can't forgive him for this, amongst other things.
I find it normal having feuds within families. However, it is abnormal if they have done nothing to patch things up be it in the wrong or right side. My mother had recent feud with her younger sister who is dominating but due to good advices from both sides, it ended well.
Everyone has a family feud going on someplace of one type or another!;
Lets hope/pray that it isn't so close to home that the only way to get out of family feude is to take yourself out of the family ???
Not really a feud or squabble.. and I guess really it's nothing that can't be solved by a blatantly candid face - face referral to that person's toxic, saggy and vinegar like appendages!
Sounds like some doozy families we hubbers have.
Full of saggy vinegar-like appendages.
We are estranged from my husband's entire family due to the malicious actions and lies of my sister-in-law against her parents and her brother.
We choose to think of it like a crazy stranger gunned them all down in a McDonald's. That's easier than accepting what really happened.
On the plus side, we no longer have to put on a happy face and endure family gatherings.
OK, Hope everyone can follow this. My mom remarried and my step dad was a wonderful person who loved all of us and managed to stay married to my mother even though she was very self centered, selfish with the money, and had to have everything her way. When he died, she moved a couple of times around our small town, and my brother, a few years younger than I who never spent much time with her because of drug and a stealing career, decided that she was getting too old to live alone and moved in with her. They seemed to get along and when she told me that she no longer wanted to be the elder of the family, that she was handing that responsibility on down to me and my husband I didn't think too much of it, she was almost 70 years old.
Not too much longer after that she told me she was moving, but she put all of their things into storage. When I asked why she said that her and my brother were going on vacation, that she always wanted to travel and never got to, which was a lie, we traveled all over when I was a kid. I let it go, and told her to keep in touch with me along the way so I wouldn't worry about them and she agreed.
The first day passed without the call, and the evening of the second day I called her to see where they were and to make sure they were OK. They both said that they were having a good time and they both said they didn't know where they werem, some little town. I got concerned when the next day they said the same thing.
They never came back. They never would tell me where they went, and they quit calling and answering their phones after about two weeks. They vanished and I didn't know where to. Two years have gone by and I still don't know. About once every 8 or 10 months my mom will call me, but wont say where they are, and whont say why they did what they did. I feel like she is mad about something, like she is doing this out of some sort of a grudge, but whont say why. and this is where I sit with it now.
Let me see if I have the players correct here.
Mom has always been selfish and self-centered.
Little bro has a history of drug use and stealing.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
It makes no sense on the surface but there's an explanation underneath her strange silence.
Can't claim to know what it is, but I suspect little brother is 99% behind it.
that was my first thought, but moms is a very strict, straight as an arrow person and from talking to her the couple of times that I have, I dont think that she would go along with any of this half hatched schemes, as a matter of fact she would be more apt to turn him in as to go along with anything.
I have been thinking that perhaps they might be in some kind of a witness protection for possibly turning in someone my brother had dealings with and then testified against for money??
just a thought, I dont kknow how that hind of thing works.
That's not an interpretation I would have thought of.
Don't know a whole lot about the witness protection program, but what I do know, those in it can have NO contact with former life.
Now your Mom could be contacting you on some secure government line every 8-1- months I suppose...
IDK. It's weird.
The only way to handle this odd state of affairs is to love her and pray for her safety (and I would add sanity -- she's getting older and we do tend to become mentally vulnerable, especially when our environments are changed radically).
Sigh. I have relatives by marriage who were put in charge of an elderly and disabled family member and went through about $200,000 AND SSI benefits in less than three years. They used this money for gambling, haircuts, pedis, running their business. and paying their house payments. You name it. I had another "relative" who frequently traveled internationally and got an eyelid job on the payments meant for lifelong care of her retarded son. The law can't touch any of these thieves because they managed to work in their names on the bank accounts. So the "stealing" continues. No feud here. It was easier to cut them completely off than dwell on what they continue to do.
Financial abuse is a subject near and dear to my heart -- and not just because I'm a nice caring lady.
What's distressing is how difficult it is to get these ticks un-embedded once they do get their names on the bank accounts. The banks end up protecting THEM instead of the true beneficiary of the money.
You're smart, Arlene, to just turn away from it. It doesn't pay and only adds intolerable stress, to try to make something right that is so f'd up.
Karma will get them eventually.
Arlene, I am sorry to hear about this. This behavior is very insidious. Some families just do not have true familial love towards each other. Someone who cared should have gotten your elderly relative a trused guardian and another trusted relative to manage the monies. Since I do not trust guardians( I think that they are a surreptitious lot), assign an honest/trusted guardian and an equally honest relative to look over the elderly relatives.
Yes, we have some relatives who can be described as totally parasitic. They portend that since there are more well-off relatives, they should be well-off also. However, these less well-off relatives refuse to earn their way so they latch on to the good fortunes of the more affluent relatives. Oftentimes, friends are better than family. Family can be quite an albatross at times, don't you all concur?
There you go, Mighty Mom! KARMA has only begun to hit these people. My mama has always told me that people who steal don't get anywhere in life. I now have three examples to remind me. One has already attempted suicide when she got caught stealing, another enables her to keep stealing and the third is "broker than a joke" because her "Golden Goose" suddenly passed away. The money she blew on travel and plastic surgery cost her dearly. Since the money came in monthly for her child, she didn't feel she had to work. Her son died in a home for children when he could have gotten the best medical care on the money she had blown. And because she had not worked in years, you know that potential employers will not hire her at this point. People who are out of the workforce for years don't stand a chance. Try explaining that you sat home for decades because you were living off your son's disability checks. Uh huh.
I no longer know these people. I know how ugly things can get when it comes to families, so it is best to be selective about the family feuds and battles. As far as the addicts go, I walk away from them, too.
You give me hope, Arlene.
But I know I can't count on such sweet vengeance in my situation.
Rise above. Rise above.
Unfortunately, Mighty Mom, a lot of my family's problems (and hubby's side, too) stem from alcoholism and gambling. When you have severe entitlement issues in the first place, it doesn't matter who these people steal from. Just as long as they have the money to keep the addictions going, they don't care where they're getting the money.
Oh Wow - being adopted twice and having a terrible 20 year marriage I could write a tv series on family fueds haha - all I have to say though is in a fued everyone thinks they are right but no one really is 100 percent right- and in a fued no one really ever wins - sadly there are losers on both sides
I had an extremely intrusive, maternal second cousin who thought that she knew it all. She even went to say that something was wrong with me because I was introverted. She even tried to boss me around and told me that I should change my personality. Oh noooo, I told her off and cut her off! End of story, see how simple it is to solve family feuds! Also, no one else in her immediate family like her either. I believe that she is bitter because a maternal great aunt of mine did not leave her any monies!
My oldest brother hasn't spoken to me since my mother was murdered in 1989. I have no idea why. I've attempted to speak to him, to reach out. He wants nothing to do with me. It used to bother me but now I'm indifferent. My family feels that I should continue to try and work things out but I disagree. I simply don't want to spend any more time or energy "chasing" a bad relationship. I don't feel obligated to him because he's my brother. I don't have any hard feelings against him. In fact, I love him just as much now as I did when we were kids but I'm finished feeling badly about his issues.
What do you think?
GM, I appreciate your input. For some reason, I missed your words of wisdom when this Forum was run the first time out. Sometimes, I think I've seen it all when it comes to family. Most of the awful things that happen within families are based on greed and the entitlement issues that usually drive them. I don't want to know these people. They may be related to me, but it doesn't mean I have to put up with their behavior. I find it much easier to cut them off and walk away.
That is true. Oftentimes, the best remedy for dealing with a toxic family member or members is to SEVER those ties. Goodbye forever!
It just feels unnatural as hell to have to cut off family members from our lives. Of course, if they wren't so insidiuous, cold, calculating and greedy in the first place, we wouldn't have to cut them off, would we?
Once we make that adjustment and realize they are not going to change (miracles notwithstanding), we can move on. I guess.
I still struggle with the whole concept.
As to krsharp's situation. I'm very sorry for your loss and especially the circumstances of your mother's death. Not knowing you or your brother, I have to wonder if he was completely traumatized by the murder and his silence is protective and not personal to you.
It would be hard not to know his reasons for shutting you out. But I think your attitude is very pragmatic. Perhaps the family that thinks you should keep trying to reach out to him could suggest the same to him -- or at least explain why he refuses to talk to you. Why is the onus on you???
I love that you ask why my family has girdled my life with this task Mighty Mom. Although he is my older brother, since childhood I've felt as though I had to protect him. I believe my family sensed that as well. You're exactly right about his trauma, his only close familial relationship was with our mom and he was just out of basic training from the Marine Corp when he received that call. He wasn't home and he always regretted that.
The worst part is that I lost so much when I lost her because I had no chance to make amends for some very ugly things that were between us prior to her death and now again, that vicious cycle is just repeating itself between he and I. It would be wonderful to say that things were different between my brother and I but I choose not to tolerate his anger, brutality and mean spirit. That type of energy drains me; literally makes me feel awful.
Perhaps one day I will again regret that I didn't make the amends I should have made but relationships are reciprocal and their value is based on what you give AND receive. Right now I just don't want any more bricks thrown at my head - so to speak and after ten years of trying to be a part of his life, I simply let it go. I decided to stop expecting him to be someone he was never going to be and miraculously, I began to feel much better about myself and my life.
I've decided that some people are comfortable with their own inner darkness because even though it's like a sickness, it's a familiar sickness. Being a Marine, my brother prefers everything being done in a specific manner, without change and done his way....Heaven forbid he should peek over the end of his own nose. Nevertheless, my life will go on and thrive but I will always wonder and I will always miss him. I will always miss them both. Thank you for counsel and for your generosity. I appreciate your kindness. -K
So basically, it's not you. It IS him. I inferred as much even from your original post. You've got great insight into the situation and why he froze in time with the trauma. Hard to know who your brother's anger is really at -- you, your mom for leaving him, the murderer, himself for not being there. Or some PTSD combination. And does it really matter?
If he's unwilling or unable to do the work to figure out how to get past it, then that's on him.
I so relate to the family expecting YOU to jump in and fix it, tho. I could write volumes on the roles our families expect us to play. Even into adulthood.
Making allowances for one sibling's bad behavior while telling the other sibling they are bad if they don't reinforce the bad behavior.
I have to sign off (hubby getting cranky I'm still online at midnight).
A word about amends. They can be made at any time in any form and not always in person or even directly. Maybe making an amends (letter that you burn) sincerely to your brother for not being able to be the sister he somehow thinks you should be would be freeing. Get any/all ill feelings out of you and onto the page. Whew!
Sorry for the convoluted sentence.
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