How do you explain to your child why their father has chosen to not be involved

1. 61

   Heather McMillanposted 12 years ago

   How do you explain to your child why their father has chosen to not be involved in their life?
   
   My nine year old son's father left when I was four months pregnant, never to be seen or heard from.  My boy is now struggling with the daddy issue. How do I make him feel loved and secure when he asks the tough question.

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2. 60

   New 2011 Momposted 12 years ago

   I almost went through a situation with that actually. Telling him that his father is off doing something good is better than saying that his father just left and doesn't seem to care. Also a good thing to maybe say is he is off on some adventure in another country or something may be a good option. If he is the type of child that wants the full truth and nothing that sounds like only a little kid would believe then I may say something along the lines of he got caught up with something and got lost trying to find his way back to you guys. An example would be a family member got really sick and he had to see them immediately and while he was gone you ended up moving or losing contact with him, and just go from there. I can't tell you exactly what to say because it really depends on the type of person your son is. If I could have helped more I would have. I will say this though, if I was his age I think saying he had to go somewhere for work across the world and hasn't been able to get a hold of me, find, or something of that nature would be a little bit better because if his father does show up randomly one day it'll bring him comfort and maybe a little bit of happiness instead of thinking his father doesn't care about him. Thinking that people care who are close to him is what he really needs instead of thinking people just don't care. I went through thinking people didn't care and it hurt me a lot. I hope everything works out for you and him.

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3. 60

   paulineleo52posted 12 years ago

   I am in the same boat my x calls but my son has quick chat and hangs up and tell me this dad is blank. My son learn that the truth will always come out whether 1 day or 100 hundred years and he learned this by me telling the truth which is very important in life. So sit down and tell him the truth.Yes it is going to be hard but the truth is the best I know he 9 years old it better he learn it quickly and that your are honest with him and believe me it works my son 17 years and we are best friends and he can tell you it I never lied to him about anything only his present for Xmas I lied but that allow. It hard but it might sound cruel but you must tell him the truth.Give alots of kiss and hug and let him know that you love him and you want him with all of your hearts even without dad been around
   Pauline

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4. 0

   Eddie-Perkinsposted 12 years ago

   I would tell the truth but tempered a lot with love and concern. By tempered, I do not mean to lie, but leave out personal hurt and angry feelings.
   First, there is the obvious; it was not about the child, but the marriage. I would say something like; he left because we didn’t see eye to eye (or whatever). As near the truth as I could get and still leave out blaming and accusing the father for not loving his child. Something like we were too immature for marriage. In addition to it being true or a measure of truth, it will provide great teaching opportunities for a child concerning the relationships they enter into. Life teaches us that it is often difficult to live (even with people we love) together and almost always, if not always both parties can be blamed, so if we really look we can find good things to say about the one who left.
   My first wife and I divorced and I made a covenant with myself that I would NEVER put her down in front of our children. She in turn has never said a bad word to them about me. It has paid wonderful dividends over the years. Their friends are amazed when we are in the same room laughing and socializing as good friends. It has been understood that we both love our children immensely and that they had nothing to do with our separation.

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5. 75

   wildove5posted 12 years ago

   My daughter at 17 gave me a grandson, he is now 2 and rarely see's his father.  We don't mention his name unless he asks and we usually respond with " He's at work,"  even at 2 he seem's perplexed.  I don't think there is an easy answer to your question or one that will spare your son from ever feeling hurt.  However, I believe honesty is best.  I was also a foster parent for years and one of the things I would tell my kids about their absentee parent/parents, was that their parent loved them but sometimes grown ups make choices that they can't help or understand that keeps them from being able to be with with them right now.  Sometimes they have to go away for a little while to figure things out and get better.  I also reassured them that they didn't do anything wrong and that you ( their mom ) will never leave them.  I have also found that positive strong male role models play a huge role in affirming that the reasons for being abandoned  doesn't  lie within them. Good luck, I hope this helped.

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6. 41

   MyFavoriteBeddingposted 12 years ago

   This is a tough situation.  You, as a mom, can never replace his father, but if you can be involved in as much of his life as possible (for example, attending any sports activities, or other interests he has) will truly make an impression.  Hopefully, he can connect with a male figure (such as an Uncle, grandfather, friends dad) this would never replace his father, but having a male role model would be great benefit to him.  You just being aware of his struggles and seeking help about them truly makes you a loving and caring mom, and I know you and your son will get through this as long as you stick together and you stay by his side, in good times and most importantly in tough times.   Good luck to you and your son!

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7. 0

   djsdivaposted 12 years ago

   You have to be completely honest with him and answer his questions that he had regarding his father.  Make sure that he knows how his family loves him.  You might also check into counseling for your son.

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