Would console a mother who miscarries the same way you would console for any other loss of a child?
Would you console someone who has miscarried a child, the same way you would console someone who has lost a child carried to term?
No I would not. The reason being is simple... Although the pain is going to be the same and depending on the situation there will always be a certain amount of guilt (I should have not let him go to the park today or I should have known this would happen) the feeling of failure from a miscarriage is often overwhelming. This additional feeling leaves a sense of hopelessness that nobody else can every understand. The loss of a child is a terrible thing to experience, but these two types of losses are so different. In my opinion no matter what has happened the only way to console somebody effectively is to know who they are and the specific experience they had. Every experience is different!
Of course, that woman may have still felt a connection with that newly unborn, or the thought of having a child now being negated. There is a difference though. The one that's carried it to full term is more likely to be attached so the mourning period is more prevalent, more intense. Which means more consoling. Each persons reaction would be different considering how they manage there emotions.
But this my point of view, and I'm a man so what do i know.
I agree with the other answers that each situation and person requires an individual response. From people I’ve known, if the mother already has children then sometimes that makes it easier to bear, but even then you can’t generalise. I had a miscarriage before I had any children and although I felt devastated and was low for several months, I also had a sense that I had gained from the experience. Even as I was going through it I knew I would rather have gone through than never be pregnant at all. (I also think it made me a better mother to the children I now have.)
I’m guessing you know someone who has just had a miscarriage and don’t know how to respond. I’d suggest you just acknowledge that she’s had a loss, ask how she’s feeling, and if she’d like to talk, or if there’s anything you can do. Just knowing people care is all that’s needed. Shortly after my miscarriage my then 4 year old niece saw me crying and I told her I was just sad about something that happened, and that it was okay. She fetched a picture she’d done at nursery to give me, and I felt very touched. I also remember a friend feeling anxious that I wouldn’t want to be around her baby, but in fact it felt wonderful to hold the baby. So trust your instincts and just allow the love that you obviously feel for this person to guide you.
Melovy I had a miscarriage when I was six months along and I am currently writing a hub about it. I asked this question based on the response from my own family friends to our situation. I agree with all of the answers as well and hope to educate people that aren't as sympathetic to how real the pain and regrets are.
We lost 2 babies to miscarriage and I really appreciated the people who were willing to let me grieve the loss of our children and those who recognized them as children. I now have a great respect for and desire to affirm and encourage anyone who looses a child in any way.
I'd have to agree with mythicalstorm in that, in most cases, there is no element of self-blame when it comes to a miscarriage. Sometimes there is, depending on someone's activities or lifestyle at the time (even though it's usually not something that would actually cause the miscarriage, it may be something that would allow someone to pin the blame on themselves), but in most cases it sounds like there is no such element. Perhaps this helps people heal faster from a miscarriage, I don't know -- I know that my nephew died at 3 1/2 from a head injury, and now (2 1/2 years later) his mother still grieves, thinks she should have known and should have seen the signs (he died a week after receiving the injuries), and she threw away every aspect of her old life to re-invent herself in a world where he didn't exist in an effort to forget.
That said, the loss of a child to miscarriage is still the loss of a child. I know that as soon as I knew I was pregnant with my babies, I started to get attached to them. By the time I could feel them move, I started to get a sense of their personalities and thought about them non-stop all day every day. Though they were both delivered healthy, for the first couple of months after each birth I had some very disturbing dreams and woke up with profound confusion -- because the baby inside me was gone. The baby I felt every moment, whose very life intertwined with mine, wasn't there anymore. Presently the confusion would pass, and I would reassure myself that the baby in my mind and the baby in the bassinet nearby were one and the same and all was well. I can imagine that the grief in realizing that baby truly was lost would be just as profound whether it happened before they were born or after. There is still a hole, and still a lot of healing that must take place before life even begins to feel normal again.
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