Drowning Scare with my child, now I feel like a horrible mom.
My daughter is a lifeguard, this happens way more than you would believe. Although the guards are usually teenagers they're typically trained well and they do what they're trained to do- prevent drownings.
You're not a bad mom!!! Swimming lessons are wonderful and before you know it she will learn the skills to keep her head above water and safety. Good luck!!! Swimming is a great exercise and wonderful skill don't let this scare you away.
That kid was protected 6 ways from Sunday. Don't worry about it!
Ugh, mommyhood is so fun!
Thanks for replying.
kittythedreamer, last night I saw this thread and wrote a post but didn't post it. Why? Because it "came out" (as if I wasn't the one who wrote it, right?
) way too long. Why did it come out too long? Because even though I haven't had the same experience with a pool that you did, I've had my own few "such experiences" as far as feeling awful about letting something go on went.
Why did it come out so long? Because I was both trying to say something that may help you feel "less bad" but also trying to say something that may, perhaps, help you or someone else who reads (and has a young child) feel/be a little less vulnerable in the future. In any case, I didn't know if I said all the wrong things or not; and since I'm always embarrassed by long posts, I just decided not to post it.
This morning, I see you're still here. My unposted comments are still in my files. I decided, after seeing your most recent post, that I'd go ahead and post the thoughts that were my immediate reaction to your thread last night. If I've said anything that's "all wrong" please overlook it. I think that at least a couple of my points aren't at all "all wrong".
I can see what a scare that must have been, and I'm guessing you're probably still at least somewhat shaken up after it. You're not a bad mother. You trusted the many people in charge; and for the most part, such trust (under circumstances where water isn't a factor) would be normal, reasonable, and what anyone should/ought to do.
It seems like you've seen for yourself, though, that when it comes to water it's probably safest not to ever let anyone but you (or your child's father) be the one to keep your eye on your child. Other people mean well, but so often, even they don't realize the kind of stuff a child might do. When it's your own child, and you're the only one watching out for him, you'll see if the child starts to stray a little to far somewhere. You're not a bad mother or a careless mother. You went with the same kind of "water set-up"/learning set-up that a whole lot of other people see as fine and know usually works out OK.
The following is not intended to come across as if I think my way is the only way, and it's not intended to "point out the flaws" in what very reasonably seemed to you to be a very safe "set up". It's just my ideas on how you, or someone else reading here, might be able to avoid such a scare (or something worse than scare) in the future:
It's one thing to leave your child in the care of others at preschool (or something like that). I think it's another when it comes to water, woods, mountains, and a few other situations I can't think of right now. My measure when it came to water, and when my kids were little, was: "Can my child swim well enough to save his own life?" When the answer was "no" I made sure the "water situation" didn't involve one with water too deep for a child to stand up in (or if the child was old enough to be in a "sort of deep" (but not so deep they couldn't stand up) pool, that he was old enough to know how to make his way to the side of the pool or the ladder (that type of thing).
I had inlaws who thought I was "too much" because I wouldn't let one inlaw or another take weak-swimming kids in a canoe or boat (and often one adult with two or three little kids). What water I'd let them go in, and whether I had to be the one watching, depended on the age. If they were old enough to kind of "have their wits about them" I was more relaxed about it than when they were preschoolers (who are generally "clueless" and need to have the right adult(s) paying attention in the water.
I wouldn't trust my very young kids to older kids or even the most caring and conscientious adults around water either (even if it was a one/one supervision thing). Some of the best and most caring people in the world just don't know the kind of stuff that little kids are likely to do out of the blue. We learn that stuff by being around children of different types and ages over a good length of time.
If I can make up for the "tips" on water safety and the youngest children, here's a "trusting-other-people" example:
I'm a normal, careful, mother. So was my mother. So, if there was anyone I trusted to know children and be very careful about them, it was my mother. When we'd go shopping they enjoyed going with their grandmother while I went off and shopped in another part of the store. I never thought twice about it. More than once, though, when I'd do my shopping and go find my mother, I'd see my child sitting in the carriage's child's seat unattended. My mother would be a few feet away with her back to the carriage, and she'd be looking at racks, shelves, etc. I was pretty disturbed because besides thinking any freak could come along and take my toddler, it was clear to me that my mother had no idea that (particularly one of them) my child would only stay seated for so long before she'd stand up in that precarious child seat in the carriage.
When I'd shop I'd always keep my hand over my toddler's hand as s/he sat in the carriage. It was my way of making sure I didn't "forget" and stray off to look at stuff without kind of "not noticing" what my child was doing in the carriage. (I didn't hold my child's hand really tight the hold time - I'd just kind of make sure my hand was brushing theirs. Sometimes I'd just touch the back of their hand - that type of thing. Fortunately no child of mine ever stood up and tipped the carriage over, and fortunately no strangers ever came along and bothered them (even if only someone else's bigger kid who might give my toddler something hazardous (a toy, a piece of food they might choke on, etc.) I'd learned, though, that although I could still trust my mother everywhere else - not with my child in a shopping mall.
I wasn't a bad mother. Neither was my mother. In fact, I don't think I ever thought to tell her that my usually "well behaved in public places" kids would only stay seated for so long. I didn't think to, but if I had I would have just assumed she knew children.
These kinds of things happen to all mothers. We learn from them. It doesn't mean we can't ever trust anyone else to keep our child safe. It just means we have to be a little bit more cautious about where we do (and it's only a few situations and until children get a little bit bigger), and how much we "back completely off" and leave our child's safety up to them.
Back to the pool/class situation where you went: Maybe the adults in charge are the best people in the world, and believe they're as cautious and safety-conscious as possible. Personally, one of them should had a non-stop eye on the part of the pool that gets deeper, and I think the little kids should have had some boundary (even if only an imagined one that the adults kept in mind and made sure the little kids didn't go anywhere near x number of feet within that imaginary boundary. They were the ones who "failed" (even if they're otherwise fine and sensible people). All you did was trust people who (I'm guessing) made it clear to you that they are "all about safety", and it was perfectly normal and reasonable that you would trust these "experts".
Your little girl is OK. That's the main thing. If you bring her back there, tell them you never want that kind of thing to happen again, and you "DO NOT" want your playing anywhere beyond x feet out on the shallow end. Stand at the point if you need to when play time comes around. Tell them if your daughter gets too close to where she shouldn't be. Besides keeping your child safer, it will serve as a reminder to them that better attention needs to be paid to a bigger section of pool where the littlest kids should never be. Maybe they'll start asking mothers to be pool-side "eye" on their own child at play time.
I suppose the length of my post comes from my hearing quite a few recent "water stories"/pool stories recently on the local news. One was a state pool with lifeguards in which a young woman drowned and wasn't found until two days later when teens swimming under cloudy water ran into her. The story was that a boy told one of the lifeguards that the woman had fallen and not come back up. There were a couple of little-kids/water stories too. It's a really common problem, especially this time of year. I think it's good that people create some more awareness of it, so I think how this kind of stuff can happen (and might be prevented for those who don't realize it can happen) is worth raising in a forum like this.
In the meantime, I think the point about your own scare shouldn't be what might have happened. I should be what DIDN'T happen. Since it didn't happen, don't let it take more out of you than it already has.
cardelean - I agree very much. I'm definitely hard on myself, which seems to be the opposite of what my parents were on themselves when they were raising me! But that's the point, I want to be attentive and protective to a certain degree, but I do want her to experience things in life and not restrict her from everything like many parents do. Then the kid grows up to be sheltered, spoiled, and scared of life in general. Our job as parents is to raise a child to be sufficient and be able to care for themselves thoroughly. Not push them to rely on us for the rest of their lives for every aspect in their lives. Thanks for writing and your support.
- Home Girlposted 12 years ago
0 My firstborn is crazy and willing to try anything. She went face down in a baby pool when she was one and I was right there chatting with another mom. It does happen. Just let it teach you to be more aware next time and be thankful for all those times we have close calls and our kiddos come out ok. You aren't a horrible mommy, just a normal one
(You might want to talk to the staff about making parents aware of play time so you can come ready for it, especially for kids this age and skill level.)- Home Girlposted 12 years ago0
You are not a terrible mommy and you acted on instinct. She is alive and well all because you were there. You were placed there for a reason during that session and I am thankful you were. It could have been tragic, if you were not. The instructors need to pay closer attention to the small children, you did the right thing so please do not be so hard on yourself.
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