If your father (or mother) lied to you, and it ruined your life, would you ever speak to them again?
Is it the lie that ruined your life? or Is it the "actions" (you) took after you believed the lie?
I'm a staunch believer that each of us is responsible for our own happiness. Our lives for the most part are the result of the choices and decisions (we) have made along the way. The real lesson here is to conduct "due diligence" before taking an action on something anyone has told you which could effect your life in a (major) way.
If someone believes his or her parents are toxic then they don't have to have a relationship with them. A part of being responsible for your own happiness is determining who you spend your time with and what you focus your thoughts on. Either way whether one decides to maintain a relationship or not they will never be "free" until they forgive. By forgiveness I don't mean you actually have to contact the people that hurt you. You just decide to "let it go", move on, and not let it dwell on your mind any longer. Live and learn. Best of luck!
I agree. We didn't choose our parents, and if it was someone else, we would not have a relationship with them. Civil if met in public, but otherwise no.
As an adult you have the right to (choose) whom you spend your time with. There are lots of instances of people who refuse to deal with "toxic" parents or family members. You're under no obligation to remain unhappy. It's your life! Take the wheel!
JThomp42, sorry. I went to comment on your answer and hit the delete button instead of the comment button. I'm so sorry. Please feel free to comment again!
Ahhhhh.....All due respect, this question is far too general. To be responded to with wisdom and sincerity, I would need a fair amount of clarification. Especially considering it's seriousness, in terms of involving FAMILY (parents)......I feel it would be irresponsible, if not presumptuous, for me to offer my opinion, as the question is presented......
ONE lie? Ongoing deceit? What age were you? Did you offer an opportunity for your parent to expand or explain? To use the words, "ruined your life," is fairly drastic, under normal circumstances. I feel you leave your readers with many questions.
Having said this, all that I feel comfortable offering, is....."dashingscorpio," has given you wonderful insight......gentle wise and true.....
IMO, If you have thought long and hard on this issue, feel you are correct and justified in your reaction, it probably would not be important, nor even necessary to have total strangers support or reject your decision. We are all so different and unique........as our attitudes are, as well.
It started with one lie, and it has been ongoing for 10 years. It is not my parents that I speak of, just to clarify. When a lie ruins the course of your life, I don't believe it is drastic. I tried to expand on the question, but it won't let me
I think it would depend on the lie. My biological father was a psychopath and I tried to develop a relationship with him after I grew up but just couldn't. My adopted father and mother were not like that. My bio father though - oh my, he was such a liar that he robbed his own parents of their life savings! I will never have anything to do with him and he is not allowed around my family because he can't be trusted. He was convicted of fraud and went to jail at one point also. He tried to lie to me and tell me his other child, my half-brother, was dead at one point so I'd quit searching for him. It didn't work we found one another anyway.
In short, if it's a lie you can bounce back from I am all about forgiveness, but if a parent is a raging lunatic psycho it's probably best to walk away from that person. Of course, it would be more difficult if you were raised by that parent.
At this point in my life I don't care what my parents would have told me in my past - I would give anything in the world to speak to either of them for just one moment. Both of them have passed away and I wasted way too many moments not speaking to them when I had the chance. Unless it is something critical, do not pass up any chance to speak to any of your loved ones....you WILL regret it one day!
I disagree. While this question was not about my parents, I did not speak to my mother for the last 4 years of her life. I do NOT regret it. She was such a negative and toxic person, I could no longer take it.
cloverleaffarm, I agree with you. Just because someone is a person's mother or father it does not give them a "free pass" to treat one like crap or bathe them in negativity. Life is difficult enough.
Yes with some qualifications. I believe we are supposed to forgive. For ourselves and our walk with God if nothing else. I don't believe that means we are supposed to trust them or let them continue to hurt us or our family. If there was the danger of that for myself or my children, I would forgive them but probably not talk to them.
Well, both of my parents have long since passed from this world, but sure. They were pretty straightforward people, but not everything I got from them was the truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Dog.
The first time my Dad lied to me that I can REMEMBER was when I was about eight years old. It was my task to split firewood and haul it in for both of our woodstoves (cookstove in the kitchen and heater in the living room), 24/7, 365. I'd been doing it since I was four, I was good at it, and I was dang sure proud of my ability.
One day, the old man saw me lift a huge block of wood, which I lugged over (in the woodshed) to sit on the chopping block so I could go to work on it. He marveled, expressing the conviction that HE couldn't even have lifted that block!
Which was a lie. He weighed 215#, most of it hard muscle.
But I believed him...and made the mistake of telling Mom. SHE told me her husband was pulling my leg, that no way could I lift a block he couldn't lift. Which was the truth.
I always appreciated Dad's lie but really didn't want to talk to Mom after that because she'd told me the truth.
My Dad and Mom lied to me big time, like they never told me that I am my Dad's daughter with his ex-student...when I learned about it and confronted them they still won't admit...I had talked to my biological young mother, but my Dad and Mom were determined to stand their ground...did I hate them? No, I still love them and talked to them like nothing was wrong but deep in me is the never-healing wound of feeling betrayed and deprived of my right to choose.
I think the answer to this question depends on the nature of the lies. Under normal situation, no any parent intentionally wants to hurt his or her own children. If he lied to you, maybe there was something that he wanted to avoid to protect you or maybe he lied to get you to do something that you were not willing to do at that time. But the consequence of his lies made you suffered a lot. This can happen with some parents who are not interested in learning how to be a wise parent and how to know their children better. As children, we feel hurt, no question about that. As we grown up, looking back, we may understand that bringing up children is not easy at all for all parents, parents need a lot of patience and knowledge to do a good job. They must have experienced a lot of difficulty times bring us up. So, no matter what happened in the past, nobody can change it. If I were the one who felt hurt by the lies of one of my parents, I would forgive and talk to him or her again. Hatred is a burden to yourself and can't change things for better, love, only love can heal.
For me this is a purely hypothetical question because I have wonderful parents but I have always cut all ties with anyone who tells harmful lies and I don't think I would treat family any differently.
I agree with you 100%! I avoid dealing with toxic people period. Too often people feel stuck or obligated to put up with people and especially family members who treat them like crap. I remind them they get to (choose) who they spend time with. :-)
I will definitely feel hatred for people who ruined my life with their lies. But in the case of my parents I will surely be angry with them, but it won't last long. They are the ones who gave us a chance to live in this world. So we must be able to forgive to whatever they do to us.
There will definitely be something good in whatever they do for us. Even if we feel that they have done something that ruined our life, they must have seen and thought several times on the decision they have taken.
My parents have lied quite a few times and in a couple of instances it has *almost* ruined my life but I persevered. I still speak to them and have a relationship with them but it is more guarded. For quite some time I completely cut them out of my life and didn't speak to them for a few years (difficult since I used to be a daddy's girl and considered my mom to be my best friend). As much bad as they have done, they have managed to try and make amends for it by helping me out more recently when I hit a pretty low point financially. Funny thing is that now they lie about what they'd done in that past and act like it never happened. I'll always be there for them if they need me and I know they feel the same way about me but I still like to keep my distance for my own sanity. How people deal with that sort of situation definitely depends on the lie, the people who told it, and you. I've been told by many that I'm a little too forgiving.
It depends on the lie. Some lies [like not mentioning you have an extra sibling somewhere, or covering up an adoption] might be very upsetting but done out of fear or misplaced good intentions.
Other lies are just evil - defrauding someone of money, destroying relationships - and those are much less forgivable.
My entire life my mother made me her co-conspirator in the lies she told to everyone but especially my father. I help conceal her drug addiction that led to my own. I was introduced to men she was involved with while being married to my Dad. She had me completely brainwashed in the belief my father did not want me at first. And if I ever abandoned her she would kill herself. My dad unknowingly enforced the habit by being abusive and distant. My parents frequently separated and attempted the first divorce when I was 12. I had realized at that age that living with my mother would be a disaster. Also during the six months in which he lived on his own I began to see my father different. I even began. to forget he was the enemy. The weekend prior to the finality of the divorce, he asked who I wanted to live with permanently. I said I needed to live with him. My mother's lifestyle was too dangerous. Fear of not knowing how to raise a daughter combined with the hope he could keep her under control, he asked for a reconciliation. Although I begun to have a relationship with him,the reconciliation put me into a tailspin of deception that led to a crack addiction, felony arrest when I was 18 and the final divorce of my parents. He forgave the lies about her drug use, the men etc. He never forgave her getting me started on drugs and lying to him about how addicted . I have been sober for 26 years. My mother has never changed. My father died July 28th 2017 at the age of 66. The lies my mother and I told kept me from having any relationship with her. My dad remarried two years after the divorce to a woman more diabolical than my mother. in the hope maybe one parent had found happiness I didn't participate in my dads life regularly. Before his death he told me that he was only happy the first 10 years. The last 15 were hell. I wish he had lied.
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