Rasing a child in today's environment vs. yesterday's.

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   tsmogposted 21 months ago

   I read a short interesting article about how to treat children. It points out:
   
   What successful parents do differently
   
   "Parents who raise the strongest and most resilient kids create an environment that allows them to make mistakes and not fear failure.
   
   You can still love the person, but you don't love the action. When we're able to clearly separate the two, a child doesn't link their worth to their behavior, whether "good" or "bad."
   
   This doesn't mean you can't have expectations about your child's behavior. You just have to be mindful about how you express those concerns. When a kid acts in ways that are inconsistent with our values or hopes, we still need to signal warmth even while expressing disappointment."
   
   Contrast:
   
   Critical parenting can lead to a 'false self'
   
   "The most successful parents don't follow a critical style of parenting.
   
   When a parent is critical ("Why can't you be more like your brother?") or when love feels conditional ("I expect all As this semester!"), a child begins to feel defective.
   
   The article is:
   
   The No. 1 thing successful parents who raise the strongest and most resilient kids do differently: Harvard study presenting on Money Report/NBC news (9/16/23)
   https://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/busine … PB_9KXsv_Q
   
   Some questions to consider:
   
   Do you think it matters?
   
   Is there an economic class difference if that approach is done naturally or informed?
   
   Does the religious community prompt one over the other?
   
   Should there be parenting classes offered in High school? Perhaps alongside another semester of micro economics, e.g. budgeting, investing, etc.
   
   Any thoughts while reflecting on your own upbringing, as a parent, and/or observing a grandchild being parented. Also, observing others.

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      Kathryn L Hillposted 20 months agoin reply to this

      ~ hey, good questions!
      
      how come no responses, do you suppose?

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   Kathryn L Hillposted 20 months ago

   "The most successful parents don't follow a critical style of parenting.
   
   When a parent is critical ("Why can't you be more like your brother?") or when love feels conditional ("I expect all As this semester!"), a child begins to feel defective."
   
   
   I agree. Acceptance is vital to a child.
   He must feel loved for his sense of joy to remain intact.
   
   Criticism destroys a child's sense of self-esteem. His emotions, inner life and psychological state become all balled up. Tied in knots. Criticism and comparison shuts down a child's sense of freedom, joy and ultimately his ability to be who he is and guide his own free-will.
   
   What a waste!
   
   A child comes to us with love and wants to please us. In turn we should be the best we can be and show him how to be successful, happy and self-fulfilled. Let him be connected to his own self, have his own hopes, dreams and ambitions, interests and pursuits. Joy comes from the freedom of being alive. A child's innate sense of joy can be kept intact by loving and accepting the child. Also by setting the boundaries that will preserve his sense of freedom and joy.
   
   
   Is criticism love?
   Is it unconditional love?
   Is it acceptance?
   No.
   
   There is a way to guide a child toward his own best interests. It is mainly by good example. The parent or guardian shows/reveals the way to live according to morals, wisdom and common sense. The child follows the parent through love.
   No need to criticize.
   At all.

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   Kathryn L Hillposted 20 months ago

   From the article:
   "This can lead kids to develop what psychologists call a "false self" — an artificial persona that serves as a coping strategy to get the love and support a child needs to survive. The consequence is that they feel ashamed, unknown and unloved.
   
   Over time, a false self can lead to them choosing the wrong friends, partners or careers, because they are essentially living someone else's life."
   
   Questions:
   Why is its so hard to just enjoy our children?
   Why do we expect so much of them?
   from https://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/busine … PB_9KXsv_Q

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   Kathryn L Hillposted 20 months ago

   In my own case, I did feel criticized. I did feel the need to live up to the expectations of mother / teachers / school system.
   Until, I realized school was not relevant to ME.
   
   So, I rebelled along with the worst of rebellers ...
   and not to my own benefit, rather to my own detriment.
   During this period, I never felt that finding and working toward my own benefit was allowed.
   Could I pursue my life according to my own dreams and ambitions??
   Could I find my own way, make my own choices and be my own boss?
   
   I needed help to do this.
   Some do get help.
   
   Q. What does getting help look like?

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      tsmogposted 20 months agoin reply to this

      Thanks for sharing!! I can relate!

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   Kathryn L Hillposted 20 months ago

   Thanks tsmog!
   
   Q. What does "getting help" look like?
   
   A. Establishing an appropriate environment and providing encouragement are the keys for helping children. Furthermore, one must observe one's child to determine his motivations and interests. Eventually, the child's ambitions are discovered and known to both himself and his parents.
   
   Its really not rocket science.
   
   Q. Do we need to teach people how to raise children in high-school?
   
   A. No, but I would say parents need to encourage and provide ways for their offspring to prepare for self-sufficiency through employment and finance managing. Perhaps young adults should marry and have families when they are young because at this stage their natural fathering and mothering feelings and instincts are quite intact.
   (Of course, others will debate this point.)
   
   Many of today's parents wait until they are in their thirties (to forties) when they are not as in touch with being young/close to childhood. Furthermore, mothers of this age have  careers which they refuse to give up and must hire au pairs or nannies. Bringing a stranger into the house causes an impersonal atmosphere to develop between the parent child relationship ...or a sad distancing. It can even disrupt the relationship between mother and father.

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      tsmogposted 20 months agoin reply to this

      Weren't you a teacher, Kathryn?

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 20 months agoin reply to this

         I worked for the local school district as a substitute teacher K-12 for twenty years.  HR let me go after it was reported that I told the students in a second/third grade class that the doll I touched, (The Elf on the Shelf,) was just a doll and couldn't actually fly from one room to the other, as they had claimed. (By touching it, I "took away its magic powers.")
         They had been led to believe that the elf flew every night to the North Pole to report on the good/bad behavior of the children in the classroom. It was used by the teacher for surveillance, November 29 through Dec 24.
         
         One student told me that by saying a magic incantation, it would regain it's magic powers. That's when I told them the truth, thinking it would calm them down. No, it did not and we, the class and I, had to agree to disagree. They informed their parents who reported the incident to the district. Many people to this day can't believe that I told them the truth of the matter.
         
         Good Grief.

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            tsmogposted 20 months agoin reply to this

            Thanks for sharing! Sorry to hear of the experience. I am sure it affected you! I am amazed by what I term, 'Little People'. My niece when first starting out teaching taught 3rd grade and is now teaching 6th. I am sure a dramatic difference in their minds that is to be considered by my niece.

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               Kathryn L Hillposted 20 months agoin reply to this

               Yes. She may know the answer to the question, "At what age do children realize that Santa, The Elf, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy are not real?"
               
               Luckily, I am very grounded in the wisdom and philosophy of Dr. Maria Montessori. I have known all these years how unenlightened the public school system is. I was very patient with the teachers and their practices.
               I was actually thankful the Elf had me banned and cancelled just before Covid 19 struck.
               

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