How should parents deal with lazy, unemployed, still-live-with-Mom-and-Dad adult children?
It's one thing if your child loses his job and has to move back home, but how do you deal with one that won't even look for work, thinks you should still provide for all their needs (clean their room, wash their clothes, etc.), and - among other things - also give them an allowance to party with their friends?
Kick them out? If they can't take care of themselves, they won't take care of you when you retire. If you value your child to learn on their own and if you value your future care, you will kick them in the butt to get on their feet. I've already had plenty of jobs and moved back with my parents at their request. I'm looking for a new job from home and that's just fine with them.
This is a tough questions to answer. As a dad of 4 awesome teenagers I will say that the thought has crossed my cranium. What If?
This actually came up on our way home from our place of worship Sunday and my wife answered, that you would be a paying for rent and help out on the grocery bill. This is all well and good but if they don't want to work it would be time for what a lot of people would call Tough Love.
First I would probably assign them certain duties, the trash, the dishes, and easy maintenance of the house, and the lawn. Tell them that you don't have to feed them and take care of their laundry and all there specific needs but because you love them you are willing to help them only if they help you. Keep track of what they do and show them what they have or have not done. If they don't help out like I mentioned earlier you are not required to feed them.
Let them find their own food, do their own laundry , buy their own necessities and one of two things will happen. One, they keep to their end of the bargain and you have help or two they are going to be so frustrated they make a move on their own. This move could be a very hard thing for a parent because it very likely will not be a very nice goodbye but afterwards it will be worth the stress.
This is a very tough question to answer, because to me it's obvious what should be done, the problem is, better said than done. I hope when time comes this doesn't happen to me, but if it does what I think I should do is throw him/her out. Children, especially as adults, need to learn to fend for themselves. If we always protect them, they will never be able to accomplish anything, so if it comes to that, especially if he/she is lazy, it's basically "Hit the road, Jack..."
It sounds like there is a lot of guilt parenting going on. That happens to all of us on some level. Unfortunately, the adult child ultimately pays the price. Allowing them to put off starting their own life is crippling to them. I know it's easier for you to avoid the battle of forcing them to grow up but what benefit is it to them?
I have a 22 year old daughter so I definitely understand what it's like to look at your child and think.. No way is she/he ready to be on their own! That being said, you have to encourage them to go no matter how much you want them to stay. Keeping them in the nest is a completly selfish act.
My suggestion would be to set up a plan in writing with your child. If they continue to live there they will have to have a job by this _____ date, they will do these chores _____, they will find a place of their own by this date _______. Make sure you aren't paying her/his car insurance, car payment, phone bill... nothing. Living within your means builds character and is a huge motivator! Good Luck!
I think adult children at home should either be working or at school, or both. Nothing wrong with a part time job and some classes at the local community college to figure out what to do next.
It depends on the parent. If the child is the apple of the eye of the parents, I don't think they will do anything to him except some nagging.
In my case, i would definitely not allow this to happen. Help him by talking and discussing what could be done. Give him a couple of months to look for a job and if I have some capital, loan it to him to start a business.
One question the parent should ask what caused this and/or how he/she is continuing to enable the child by conveying either overt or covert messages. Many overprotective parents want to shield their adult child from the "cruel,harsh" world, not realizing that they are doing a severe disservice to their adult children. Many of these parents are unknowingly infantilizing their adult children by excessive babying them.
This pattern began in childhood. These parents wanted "the best" for their children. They wanted to provide their children with a "carefree" childhood,free of frustration and responsibilities. While I believe that children should have a wonderful childhood and the better things of life, I staunchly assert that children must be taught to be self-motivated and independent from childhood.
Such parents refuse to teach their children the tools of self-motivation and independence because they strongly maintain that it is their parental duty to do as much as possible for their children. So they DO for their children throughout childhood and adolescence. They squash any inkling of independence that their children exhibit by rescuing them when they get into trouble, doing things for them that they can do for themselves, etc. Now when their children are adults, these parents now wonder why such children are still dependent. Hmmm, news flash, these parents MADE their adult children such. Yes, they have created a monster by their actions.
They have to now undergo twenty-one or more years of infantilization of their children. They have to adopt tough tactics in order to make their children more independent. They and their children have to work together to ascertain that the adult children develop the prerequisite life and job skills. Sometimes, there has to be outside intervention and counseling via a qualified psychologist to make the parents realize how they have damaged their children by making them dependent. Yes, there is a long road but having an independent self-sufficient adult can be achieved to the benefit to both parent and adult child.
I have 3 boys all still at home! (22,17,14) I don't say much my 22 yr is working and saving to move out . However my rule is you can stay if your in school or working to better yourself!
I would sit down with my child and discuss the situation. I would make it clear that her behavior is unacceptable and she is going to have to make changes. I would ask her if there is something holding her back from moving forward? Perhaps she is scared, not sure how to create a resume, afraid of criticism in a working environment, afraid she will fail in college, etc. If so, then we talk and make a plan on how to clear these hurdles. I would help give her the tools she needs to move forward.
We would also make a plan that includes a timeline. I will help her in any way I can to become more independent. That means I will teach her how to be self sufficient by not cleaning her room, not doing her laundry, and not picking up after her. She will find herself in the position that she needs to step up and take care of her own tasks.
My child would no longer receive an allowance. I hope I am raising her in a way that encourages her to try new things. If she is old enough, she will work. That becomes her allowance.
Lastly, our timeline will include the end date - the date by which she must be employed, tending to her own tasks and contributing physically and financially to the household. If she does not meet these goals, she will have to fly the coop and make it on her own.
I will always love her and support her emotionally. I will always help giver her the tools she needs to succeed. All of our kids have talents, interests, passions that they can explore to make a life for themselves. I try every day to show my daughter that the world is extraordinary and it is incredible to gain independence and get out to explore!
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