Critiquing time....hit me?

1. 71

   Cagsilposted 13 years ago

   Hey Everyone,
   
   This is technically, my second attempt at a sales hub and could use a little criticism. I wrote one once before and then deleted it because I didn't like the final result.
   
   However, this one I wrote for the 60 Day Challenge. So, let me know...
   
   http://hubpages.com/hub/Womens-Boston-R … ssa-Milano

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      klarawieckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Looks good, but then again, I'm no expert.

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         Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you Klara. Much appreciated.

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      RKHenryposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Are you sure this isn't just another sales tactic?
      
      
      Just giving you some sh!t.

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         Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         

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      bayouladyposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Looks fine! I like your opening statement. Add placement looks fine ,too.

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         Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you Bayoulady. I appreciate you checking it out. I've made several adjustments earlier.
         
         
         
         Oh btw- check out the Dollar forum thread...I left you a message.

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2. 64

   kmackey32posted 13 years ago

   Yep looks good... Im no expert eithor...

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      Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Kmackey.

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   kmackey32posted 13 years ago

   HIT tehee

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      Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      And, I'm sure you would enjoy it too. Then again, I might enjoy it if you hit me.

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         kmackey32posted 13 years agoin reply to this

         HAHA lol

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            Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Well, what did you expect...a good looking woman like yourself, hitting...something is bound to happen.

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4. 71

   Cagsilposted 13 years ago

   Anyone else?

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      saleheensblogposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      don't mind, i have no worth to comment about your hub, you are a great hubber and one of them who inspires me. still i think you could use some of my tips. i better give you an example on setting amazon capsules more attractively.I liked this hub by graham alison.
      http://hubpages.com/_1xi1g1a8xrx3z/hub/ … -Your-Life

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         Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I appreciate your kind words. However, you should know it is bad form to use "trackers" in the forums? If not, then you do now.

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            saleheensblogposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            i didn't really know, but how could I post the link.

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               saleheensblogposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               oh ho, yes i see now . thnx for the telling me. i dont want to do anything harmful for my reputation.

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                  Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  You're welcome. If you have the link to the hub, I'll take it.

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                     saleheensblogposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                     http://hubpages.com/hub/Top-10-Sports-A … -Your-Life

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                        Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                        Thank you for the link.

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5. 68

   lrohnerposted 13 years ago

   Hey Cags! You're really getting the hang of this sales stuff!
   
   Two suggestions...
   
   First, I always try to give a range of prices. Maybe there just isn't a huge range in the prices in these items, I don't know. But if I were selling toothbrushes, let's say, I would have a basic toothbrush, a medium-priced one and then a fancy schmancy one.
   
   Second thing that hit me (and I'm not as on top of this as I should be all the time, but trying) is your use of passive voice. That should be a no-no when you're trying to sell something. You need to be the authority, not the wishy washy one.
   
   "Alyssa Milano was inspired by her mom..." would become "Alyssa Milano's mom inspired her to..."
   
   "You can also get jackets and hoodies..." would become "Choose from a range of jackets and hoodies..."
   
   "You can mix and match your attire..." would become "Mix and match your attire..."
   
   But regardless, it looks like you're well on your way.

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      Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Hey Irohner,
      
      It's only my second sales hub, so I am new to doing these things. I appreciate your comment and suggestions. As for the pricing, there really isn't much of a difference for pricing when it comes to the apparel line. That's why I have some additional accessories at the end.
      
      Thank you very much. I love your suggestions. I'm not much of a sales person, even though, I could do sales in person. It's a lot different to write what needs to be said.

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6. 61

   Ohmaposted 13 years ago

   

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      Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Hey Ohma,
      
      I'm not sure what that means. You'll need to explain?

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         Ohmaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Just a little poke at the wording of your OP.
         
         Your Hub is well written however from what I have experienced My sales hubs that I have been able to add a more personal spin to do better, but that is just my personal experience and may not be the case for everyone.

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            Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Okay Ohma.
            
            I'll leave it the way it is for now and see what happens. The personal appeal might work, but like I said in the OP, it's technically my second sales hub, so I am new to it.
            
            I appreciate your advice and Thank you very much.

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               lrohnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               Totally agreed, Cags. You need to find out what works for you, as we all have our own writing/selling style.
               
               Piece of advice--watch your Amazon conversion rate. If you're in the 5% to 10% conversion range, you're doing what I think is pretty average. If you don't at least hit the 5% conversion mark, then you might want to try a different tactic. If you do, then you're doing it right.

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                  Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  Good to know. I've not sold anything on Amazon, as of yet, but then again, I've not really given it a shot.
                  
                  Time will tell. Thank you again.

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                     kmackey32posted 13 years agoin reply to this

                     I have Gagsil.....

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7. 71

   Cagsilposted 13 years ago

   Hey Irohner,
   
   I made the couple of adjustments. I did take one of your suggestion, but went with something different, with regards to your second suggestion.
   
   Does it sound better?

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      lrohnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Yes. WAY better.
      
      Just take out the "by" in the first sentence. You might also want to fix the "You can choose from a wide range of jackets and hoodies..." in the third paragraph, and the "You can order..." in the 3/4 sleeve section.
      
      Passive voice has its place in writing. But it's really, really important in sales to try to avoid it whenever possible. That and choosing keywords are probably the two toughest things I find with sales hubs, to be honest.

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         Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you again.

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   Randy Godwinposted 13 years ago

   I am still learning how to sell things too, Cags!  I don't think I have the nerve to try and sell stuff to the ladies, though! I mean other than my usual line of BS, of course!  Ironer's advice sounds good to me!  Assert yourself, like you do in the forums!

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      Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Randy. I'm grateful.

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         klarawieckposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Cagsil, you rock!

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            Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Thank you Klara. I'm glad you think so.

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   wildernessposted 13 years ago

   For the most part I like it, Cags.  Only a couple of thoughts:
   
   I found the first sentence hard to follow - you might re-read it aloud to yourself, or maybe it's just me.
   
   The spread of the Amazon capsules don't match the text all that well.  Maybe use several Amazon capsules instead of one per text capsule?  That would spread them out a little and put the item closer to the text about it.

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      Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Okay, I'll have to check what you said out. Thank you.

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10. 71

    mythbusterposted 13 years ago

    Hitting you Cags *thwap*
    
    But I also liked your hub and commented waaaaay over on your hub.

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       Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you mythbuster. Much appreciated.
       
       *on a side note, be careful where you hit me...you could get me started.

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    Ben Evansposted 13 years ago

    It looks good to me.  I think you did a pretty good job of displaying the items.  I am in the business of building retail displays.  It has all the ingredients of a good display.

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       Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you Ben. It's greatly appreciated.

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12. 74

    Kangaroo_Jaseposted 13 years ago

    Cagsil,
    
    You have tweaked this hub alot that I can see now and I am suggesting one more small tweak.
    
    In the top text module where you have written;
    
    You'll find a wide assortment of apparel, such as Tops, 3/4 Long Sleeve or Full Length Sleeve and Short Sleeve Tops, you'll find affordable and comfortable
    
    May I suggest changing these two words you'll find, in the sentence you'll find affordable and comfortable to something different. This removes the repeat of two words in the same sentence.
    
    Nice work on the rest of the hub as well, only the second sales hub you have made? I would not have thought so if you did not mention it.

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       Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you Jase. I made an adjustment.
       
       How does it look now?

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          Kangaroo_Jaseposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          I like Cagsil, flows much, much better for my sense of reading . Looks good.

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             Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             Cool!

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    Rochelle Frankposted 13 years ago

    lrohner made a good suggestion about using the active voice.
    
    I'll have to admit that I did not recognize the name of the celebrity you started with-- but that's just me.
    Also when you said 'teams' I didn't recognize it as sports teams. --but that is just me again, a person who would not be searching for these things, anyway.
    
    Overall, I think you did a good job.

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14. 71

    Cagsilposted 13 years ago

    Thank you very much Rochelle. I'm grateful for your post and review of my hub. Even, though, it's not up your alley.

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    rebekahELLEposted 13 years ago

    cags, it looks good and I like the headings, your descriptions are nice. if I myself was searching for this line, my only concern would be there are no images other than the small images. I would probably keep searching to find a page with images I can enlarge first. then if I like it, I'll click the amazon ad. just sharing how I shop. I've even started changing my search habits to include an image with the description. I know everyone says to keep that section blank on top, but I like to see an image, not a bunch of ads. I want to see what it looks like.  just sharing how I search online.

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       Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you very much Rebekah. I appreciate your advice.

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