My AHA Moments of Self-Discovery and Emotional Healing
The Plan and the Purpose
Oprah Winfrey often inquires about the defining “aha” moments in a guest’s life when they have journeyed through troubling life experiences. These moments of clarity usually summarize the lessons learned and reveal the origin of the problems that hinder people from progressing in their lives. In my continued journey toward self-discovery, healing and wholeness, I have uncovered some deep-seated trust issues while working through the meditation assignments of a coaching program I joined in 2010.
Meditation is to engage in contemplation or reflection and has various options of style and technique. I believe anyone can benefit from the practice of meditation if they set a sincere intention, breathe deeply, call on God’s insight and guidance, and stay in the moment with whatever shows up. For me, during my meditation sessions, I found that I had to keep both feet planted on the floor because I sometimes experience the desire to not want to sit in the emotions that are coming up, so planting my feet helps me stay grounded in the moment.
The purpose of my meditation journey is to define the authentic ideal life that I want to create and remove anything that blocks, limits, or inhibits the natural flow of abundance that I am. Assisting me on this journey was Rev. Valerie Love, Coach and Mentor of The Science of Getting Rich program. I joined the program because I recognized that I had some long standing issues around money which is a concern for me who has books to sell, and desires financial freedom and the ability to work from home in full time ministry. Knowing that I couldn’t get to the next level on my own, I decided to take action toward fulfilling my dreams in that now moment. If not now, when? In less than a month of taking the step, I was surprised by the awareness of lack of trust as the underlying factor in all the issues that started long ago and have affected me throughout my life, including my present 30+ year relationship with God (my true Source and supply).
Defining the Moments
During my meditations, I’ve seen myself at various ages in my life from toddler to adulthood. I’ve care-fronted resurfacing issues that include abandonment, insecurity, unworthiness, betrayal, sexual assault, double-mindedness, and fear of rejection. I have also written letters of LOVE and FORGIVENESS to myself at those ages and have identified defining moments that crystallized in my consciousness. These defining moments are being dismantled and released in order to unblock the flow of money, move forward and experience my divine inheritance. I invite you into my journey as I share the following transparent moments of my life:
At age 11, I was scheduled to have eye surgery on my “lazy” left eye only (my right eye was 20/20). When I was wheeled into surgery and before my mother arrived at the hospital, the intern who performed the surgery stated that he was going to operate on both eyes to make it easier for my recovery. When my mother arrived, she was shocked and livid to see my right eye operated on without her presence or permission. However, we never received justice or compensation because we didn’t have money for a lawyer and had to go to legal aid. The hospital and doctors stood behind the intern’s decision, stating that he did a wonderful job, and the Legal Aid Lawyer wouldn’t pursue the case.
My 11 year old self felt vulnerable and unprotected. Through that defining moment, I decided that:
- Lack of money = loss of rights and no protection.
- If my family had money, I would have been valued and defended.
At age 17 during the end of my first college year, I had the opportunity to stay on at the dorms over the summer and regroup from the traumas of that year. However, my mother refused to pay the dorm fee and insisted that I come home because I had really botched up my first semester. It had been a challenging year for me in the experience of death for the first time (my grandfather, whose home I was raised in), my boyfriend's arrest for fighting, and a sexual assault on me. At one point, I thought I would lose my mind, but I managed to pull it together by the second semester and was excited about the possibilities. Mom’s refusal doused my enthusiasm like a pin popping a Good Year blimp-size balloon. Thank God for Grandma, who provided the summer dorm fee because she knew that home wasn’t the best environment for me at the time.
My 17 year old self felt disappointed in my mom’s response and decided in that defining moment that:
- When I need money, I have to depend on the discretion of others no matter how important or beneficial the need is to me.
- Even when I work hard to overcome trials and poor choices, learn the lessons, and make amends, I don’t deserve a second chance and will not receive the support from the people I expect or desire to the most.
- Everyone, especially family and friends, will not celebrate or support my “aha” moments, deliverance, victories, and second chances.
Again at age 17 during my first year 2nd semester of college, my roommate was spring cleaning and setup my boyfriend to unknowingly throw out a black garbage bag of my shoes. She also allowed the perpetrator, who sexually violated me, into our room and my bed while I was in a drunken sleep (first semester, another story for another rime). She was a single mother of 3, older and not considered attractive or popular with non-existing support and limited funds. My mom and grandparents made sure I had all I needed in material possessions.
My 17 year old self decided in that defining moment of the shoes (because it took me 20 years to deal with the rape) that:
- People will pretend to be my friend while plotting evil and devious schemes behind my back when they are jealous and perceive me to be more affluent then them.
- Having money or the appearance of such will cause people to hate me.
- When you have money, you can’t trust people’s motives for liking you.
So as you can see by my defining moments, I had conflicting emotions and beliefs around money buried in my subconscious that must be addressed.
Revelations, Gratitude, and Affirmations
For as long as I can remember, I have desired and sought to obtain love, peace, security, understanding and trust outside of myself from other people. I have learned on a deeper level that I have to be those things for myself before I can attract or experience them from another. So I commit to go within and give to my younger selves all that was perceived as lacking growing up. I now know that I already possess everything I need or desire. I am complete in God.
NOTE: During an entire week of writing letters to my younger self, showering her with love and asking forgiveness for not knowing how to take better care of her at the time, it didn’t dawn on me until day 7 that I had not forgiven her on paper or within for some of the choices and behaviors of our past. It was indeed an AHA Moment that made me smile and shine light in my heart and soul as I corrected that oversight.
I praise God that I am gaining a better understanding of who I am and what I desire. As I work through my trust issues, money is becoming less of a consideration in making decisions and my trust in God is being strengthened. I am also learning to embrace being instead of expending a lot of time and energy in doing. When I am simply being, I discover the authentic desire of what I am seeking to create. When I am busy doing, I find that I make decisions to please others or get distracted by information overload and business related things that are not necessarily the best thing for me. I believe the monies will show up when I focus my energies on being the best inspirational writer and encourager that God has called, planned, and purposed me to be.
My Science of Getting Rich Reminders:
Wealth is not something I have to make happen.
Abundance is not something I have to get.
I am ALREADY abundant.
I am ALREADY wealthy.
I was created so by the Divine.
My only work is to remove anything that blocks, limits, or inhibits the natural flow of abundance that I am.
My only work is to A.L.L.O.W abundance to manifest in my bank accounts and pockets.