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The Twins' First Mammogram

Updated on May 17, 2013

Funny Short Stories Online

This little adventure happened last summer, and it's 100% true - embarrassing, but true.

At the age of 50, I'm ashamed to say that I had never before had a mammogram. I guess I was scared. I've heard so many stories of how a typical mammogram was much like placing your breasts in the refrigerator and slamming the door shut. That would hurt...a lot. I had also heard horror stories from my friends and co-workers about their experiences. One pal, Jill, told me her story.

Jill's first mammogram didn't go well. When they positioned her breasts on the screen, she immediately passed out. A few minutes later, she woke up on the floor naked from the waist up and surrounded by strangers. I certainly didn't want this to happen to me!

After my SED rate kept increasing, showing inflammation or cancer somewhere in my body, my doctor was finally able to convince me of the importance of mammograms. I made an appointment with my local hospital for the procedure.

One reason for my hesitation? I've always been well endowed...VERY well endowed. I'm talking 46 GG's. My husband refers to them as "the twins," and they're often the butt of good natured jokes from him and my closest friends. When they discovered that I had scheduled an appointment, I kept getting comments about the twins' breaking the mammogram machine.

The morning of the appointment, I sat in the little waiting cubicle with several other women, all dressed in those attractive hospital gowns. I could tell by their conversations that this wasn't their first rodeo. They were all dreading the procedure and talking about how uncomfortable it was. Of course, I immediately began to compare their chests with mine, thinking that if the procedure was painful to them, it might be fatal for me.

Finally, it was my turn to subject myself to the evil torture machine. I removed my gown, and the young female attendant arranged the twins on the screen. The girls kept spilling off the sides of the cold platform, and the poor technician kept having to corral them back into place. The top screen came down, sandwiching my girls between them. I held my breath, waiting for the pain. So far, it hadn't hurt a bit.

The attendant got a funny expression on her face and started fidgeting with knobs and dials. After a couple of minutes, she looked at me and said, "Would you please have a seat in that chair over there?"

I was startled. "Why? What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure. I've been doing this for years, and I've never had this happen before. It seems the mammography machine has overheated."

I sat dutifully in the chair for several minutes. I thought to myself that I would never hear the end of this. I was sure to get ribbed unmercifully!

Finally, I was directed back to the machine, and in just a couple of minutes, the whole thing was over. There was no pain. There wasn't even any discomfort - at least no physical discomfort. There was a slight twinge of emotional discomfort in the form of embarrassment. Did I tear up the machine? Would I have to pay for it? How would the hospital describe the claim to my health insurance carrier? Were such things even covered under my policy? I mean, gee, I've read the policy pretty carefully, but nowhere did I remember reading anything about breast damage to hospital screening mechanisms.

I discovered that I hadn't broken the machine after all. It just got too hot and needed to cool down. I got my results a few days later, and everything was fine with the twins.

Don't you just love a breast story with a happy ending?

Read more about health by clicking the article links below the Amazon products.

See why I feared a mammogram??
See why I feared a mammogram??

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