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The Twins' First Mammogram

Updated on May 17, 2013

Funny Short Stories Online

This little adventure happened last summer, and it's 100% true - embarrassing, but true.

At the age of 50, I'm ashamed to say that I had never before had a mammogram. I guess I was scared. I've heard so many stories of how a typical mammogram was much like placing your breasts in the refrigerator and slamming the door shut. That would hurt...a lot. I had also heard horror stories from my friends and co-workers about their experiences. One pal, Jill, told me her story.

Jill's first mammogram didn't go well. When they positioned her breasts on the screen, she immediately passed out. A few minutes later, she woke up on the floor naked from the waist up and surrounded by strangers. I certainly didn't want this to happen to me!

After my SED rate kept increasing, showing inflammation or cancer somewhere in my body, my doctor was finally able to convince me of the importance of mammograms. I made an appointment with my local hospital for the procedure.

One reason for my hesitation? I've always been well endowed...VERY well endowed. I'm talking 46 GG's. My husband refers to them as "the twins," and they're often the butt of good natured jokes from him and my closest friends. When they discovered that I had scheduled an appointment, I kept getting comments about the twins' breaking the mammogram machine.

The morning of the appointment, I sat in the little waiting cubicle with several other women, all dressed in those attractive hospital gowns. I could tell by their conversations that this wasn't their first rodeo. They were all dreading the procedure and talking about how uncomfortable it was. Of course, I immediately began to compare their chests with mine, thinking that if the procedure was painful to them, it might be fatal for me.

Finally, it was my turn to subject myself to the evil torture machine. I removed my gown, and the young female attendant arranged the twins on the screen. The girls kept spilling off the sides of the cold platform, and the poor technician kept having to corral them back into place. The top screen came down, sandwiching my girls between them. I held my breath, waiting for the pain. So far, it hadn't hurt a bit.

The attendant got a funny expression on her face and started fidgeting with knobs and dials. After a couple of minutes, she looked at me and said, "Would you please have a seat in that chair over there?"

I was startled. "Why? What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure. I've been doing this for years, and I've never had this happen before. It seems the mammography machine has overheated."

I sat dutifully in the chair for several minutes. I thought to myself that I would never hear the end of this. I was sure to get ribbed unmercifully!

Finally, I was directed back to the machine, and in just a couple of minutes, the whole thing was over. There was no pain. There wasn't even any discomfort - at least no physical discomfort. There was a slight twinge of emotional discomfort in the form of embarrassment. Did I tear up the machine? Would I have to pay for it? How would the hospital describe the claim to my health insurance carrier? Were such things even covered under my policy? I mean, gee, I've read the policy pretty carefully, but nowhere did I remember reading anything about breast damage to hospital screening mechanisms.

I discovered that I hadn't broken the machine after all. It just got too hot and needed to cool down. I got my results a few days later, and everything was fine with the twins.

Don't you just love a breast story with a happy ending?

Read more about health by clicking the article links below the Amazon products.

See why I feared a mammogram??
See why I feared a mammogram??

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    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Cool, Jite! the twins are now famous! lol

    • jite profile image

      jite 7 years ago from delhi

      Yes Habee ,all my colleagues like the story,and when our machine heated up ,we all laugh.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Oh, Jite - that's too funny! Did they like the story??

    • jite profile image

      jite 7 years ago from delhi

      Habee I am your great fan,I am still laughing.What a words selection. Hot machine,Twins.Great hub Habee.By the way I am qualified to study the mammograms and conduct a sonogram.I told this story to all my colleagues.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Dimitris, with my luck, Id get a female GAY version! lol

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 7 years ago from UK

      If the machine got too hot and had to cool down, it was obviously a male machine. Next time ask for teh female version :D

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Laurel, you better get your butt to a mammogram, girl! don't take chances!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Good for you, Fishtiger! Thanks for reading!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      From a member of the itty bitty titty committee, this story had me rolling! I haven't had a mammogram in about 10 years, and at 53, that's just stupid. So maybe I'll take your words with me when I go for the mammogram I need!

    • Healthyminds profile image

      Healthyminds 7 years ago

      nice and encouraging

      thanks for sharing and educating people!

    • Philipo profile image

      Philipo 7 years ago from Nigeria

      Nice hub. It is an encouragement to ladies to go all out and have their girls mamogrammed. Ignore the pain, it may not be there afterall.

    • fishtiger58 profile image

      fishtiger58 7 years ago from Momence, Illinois

      Mammograms are getting better every year. I have been having them regularly for over 4 years now. They now have a digital one. I don't know what that means exactly but they say they can see things better. I am high risk for breast cancer and I won't miss my mammo.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Hi, Maya. I dunno? Milk, maybe? Thanks for reading!

    • profile image

      MayaMarriet 7 years ago

      i like those assest i wonder what makes these so voluptuous.

      http://www.goarticles.com/cgi-bin/showa.cgi?C=2222...

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks, DNF, for reading and commenting! You need to write a hub about a mammo for small boobies!

      Hi, Johnny! Good of you to stop by!

    • johnnyfr profile image

      johnnyfr 7 years ago from Ormskirk, Lancashire

      You're absolutely right - a breast story with a good ending is the best story possible!

      Nice hub. Thanks for sharing.

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 7 years ago from The Boondocks

      Well, I must certainly say, having larger breasts seems to me would make it much easier to take the machine. Imagine just a moment, the exact OPPOSITE of your endowment in the mammogram torture chair. Do you know how difficult it is to get these little 36A's lifted onto the the ledge? Pure agony, it nearly drags my whole body into it. Talk about pain, it hurts like the devil. Better yet, have a breast biopsy hanging suspended in the air on a table, face down, your breast hanging through a little hole...mind you, a 36A breast. Now how do you think I managed that? Practicing my Lamaze Hee-hees, that's how! Then they tell me to hold it & don't move, for like 10 minutes, my back's screaming in agony, I'm about to come off the table and I remember I forgot my Prozac that day! Sorry, I'm venting. By the way, I love your article!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 8 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks for reading, Socit!

      Jrose, yes! Definitely go! Nothing to it, honestly. Glad you stopped by!

    • J  Rosewater profile image

      J Rosewater 8 years ago from Australia

      Well this was so positive I won't need so much persuasion any more. Just got a government health form to have a free one. Shall I go?

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 8 years ago from Georgia

      I write very fast - probably because of all my writing for college and teaching.

      Thanks for reading and commenting, BB!

    • BEAUTYBABE profile image

      BEAUTYBABE 8 years ago from QUEENSLAND AUSTRALIA.

      I thought your hub was was good to read. I have very dense breasts and have to have a mammogram and ultrasound every year . I am glad your result was a positive one and the next time you have one it won't be so harrowing for you habee. You have been doing hubbing for only 5 months, tell where did you find the time to write over 230, whew, what a lot of writing. What is your secret, I have only been in just over one month, still having teething problems. BB

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 8 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • 2uesday profile image

      2uesday 8 years ago

      Habee pleased the test result was ok for you. In the UK the mammogram machine must be different they take the 'pictures' of them one at a time. I think they take 4 views in total and they check the 'pictures' the same day while you wait. I would say most women here who have had the mammogram check describe it as discomfort rather than pain but I think every womans experience of it is slightly different.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 8 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • fastfreta profile image

      Alfreta Sailor 8 years ago from Southern California

      Very funny and encouraging at the same time.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 8 years ago from Georgia

      Wow! Such sacrifice on your part! What a great husband.

      Thanks for stopping by!

    • Hmrjmr1 profile image

      Hmrjmr1 8 years ago from Georgia, USA

      Habee- great hub The Warrior Princess found it painful as well but they were a mouth and a handful both. She taught me the monthly exam technique which I scheduled weekly for us, but being the diligent husband I performed the task at hand as often as I could...

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 8 years ago from Georgia

      Oh thanks, now I'm gonna have that mental image for days!

    • profile image

      ralwus 8 years ago

      I saw a cartoon of the opposite, for a man. Use your imagination. he was screaming of course. LOL

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 8 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks, Aqua! I guess everyone has her own idea of "pain." Or maybe it depends on the technician??

    • Aqua profile image

      Aqua 8 years ago from California

      Funny story! I don't think mammograms as bad as their "rep" either. I think it's interesting that in Europe and most other countries outside of the US, mammograms are only required every 2 years. At any rate - you've got a great sense of humor and I enjoyed the hub. :)

    • Drifter0658 profile image

      Drifter0658 8 years ago from Carlisle

      Dang...no wonder the machine needed cooling off.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 8 years ago from Georgia

      Ya know, ghost, I've decided after talking to a lot of ladies that the smaller the boobies, the more painful the mammogram.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 8 years ago from Georgia

      You are too funny! Yeah, I knew you had a foot fetish - or a toe fetish.

      Thanks for reading!

    • profile image

      Ghost32 8 years ago

      Much better true story than Pam's. Her headlights are the stark opposite of yours--if your 46G's are halogen spotlights, hers would be a couple of fireflies with a dimmer switch.

      When she's had a mammogram in the past, the procedure was high end pain in her (as she calls 'em) nitty gritty titties. Not only that, but the results are impossible for even the experts to read with any assurance of accuracy.

      She'd gladly take blowing up the machine any day.

    • profile image

      ralwus 8 years ago

      Actually, I love all breasts stories. I love breasts, bewbies. And as you will learn...toes. pretty dandelion toes. Never ask a barber if you need a haircut, and never tell your doctor you have rectal pain. Twins huh? Lucky man that husband o' yers.