Little-Known Santa No. 31
Postmarked: Anchorage, Alaska: polar drop-flight: 19th of December
Mr. Kris K. Kringle, III, Esq.
Kringle, Winken, Blinken & Nod, LPA
75 Gnome Lane, Blitzen Suite
North Pole, Arctica 00075
Re: Little Timmy Whiteside, et al. vs. Mr. Kris. K. Kringle, III, (aka Santa Claus aka Saint Nick, aka Father Christmas, aka Pére Noel, aka Mr. Jing-a-ling, aka St. Nicholas, aka ThatJolly Old Elf, aka Hannukah Sam)
It has recently come to our attention that once again this year — accompanied, aided and abetted by eight tiny reindeer — you propose to pay a midnight visit to the roof, chimney and domicile of our above-named client, Little Timmy Whiteside (Plaintiff in this matter), 412 Locust Berry Circle, Whimseydale, MO, in your capacity as seasonal bearer of gifts, with the intention of delivering the following: one (1) packet of underwear (quantity: 3, new, white, size small, jockey-style); one (1) packet of tube socks (quantity: 6, white, new, size small, athletic-style, with red stripes); one (1) hideously patterned and eye-searingly colorful hand-knitted pullover sweater of incorrect size and unequal sleeve length; and one (1) ‘Professor Ebeneezer J. Geezer All-In-One Amateur Chemistry Set, with Everything Required for Conducting 17 Exciting and Educational Experiments Right in the Comfort of Your Own Home’.
We hereby serve notice, by way of this certified correspondence, that such action on your part would be in direct and blatant contravention of both the spirit and the letter of our client’s missive to you of two Thursdays past, wherein he specifically and quite clearly requested: a ‘Killer Joe Laser-Guided Repeater Rifle with Authentic Rat-Tat-Tat Noise’; a battery-powered moto-cross relay racing circuit, complete with all accessories and spare controller, plus a minimum of four (4) authentically-scaled demolition-derby-type vehicles in four (4) colors, with awesome decals; and beer (quantity and brand unspecified).
We further remind you that such action on your part would not constitute the first instance in which you would so boldly and egregiously flout our client’s wishes. Need we rehash, for example, the pony debacle of recent past? And what of the well-documented wish for a certain older female sibling’s disappearance that was never fulfilled? Nor do we appreciate your recent flippant correspondence (copy attached hereto) in which you attempt to assert that all such problems can be ascribed merely to ‘some logistical errors at Elf Central’!
We therefore strenuously demand that this Yuletide season (and for foreseeable recurring holiday seasons yet to come) you comply with exactitude to the terms of our client’s aforementioned previously transmitted letter, as well as all future wishes.
Should you see fit to once again disregard the specific requests of our client, or to obfuscate further, know that we stand ready with a great number of additionally aggrieved clients (refer to file copy faxed to your office by my paralegal last week: ‘Santa’s List: Little Boys and Girls’, subparagraph ‘Nice’), and will be forced to immediately initiate a class action on their behalf.
Have a nice holiday.
Dastard D. Dewey, Esq.
Dewey, Suwom & Howe
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