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Fashion Fail #1

Updated on May 20, 2013
Fashion Fail #1
Fashion Fail #1 | Source

Let me begin tonight by once again assuring our studio audience of Lenny, as well as you half dozen viewers at home, that our program’s intent is not to be in any way unkind to those we might profile on our show. We do not mean to ridicule anyone — well, actually, in fact, we DO mean to ridicule, but only in the gentlest way possible, and then only for a truly good cause. We see our greater noble purpose as providing helpful sartorial guidance to the clueless, wardrobe tips to the witless — no-nos to the don’t-knows, if you will.

I am joined tonight, as I am every night, by our judging panel of E-list almost-celebrities, who should rightly remain nameless: the unsuccessful hip-hop music producer/dj; the washed-up daytime soaps actress, and the overbearing gay guy that once did something or other to get our fleeting attention.

So, with that said, let’s get started on this evenings Fashion Fails!

Well, gang, what do you say we jump right in with tonight’s Fashion Fail #1, our top contestant? Meet Gloria Estevan (that’s with a ‘v’, not an ‘f’), our pitiably pear-shaped princess. Come on out, Gloria! That’s it, don’t be shy now! (Trust me, we've seen worse. Or have we?)

I think I can say without contradiction that our judges’ panel unanimously agreed that they could not have imagined much less appealing garb for Gloria’s low-ballast physique than this gauzy see-through top of diaphanous sequined mesh over blowsy, billowy harem pants of spangly iridescent hue. Talk about drawing attention exactly where one should not want it drawn! And, by the way, the overdone ribbon ties don’t really help much, either.

While Gloria’s glorious mane of krinkle-curled Titian red tresses wonderfully frames her Bernadette-Peters-ish face, everything else must go! Her nipples resemble nothing so much as two tiny discolored sequins that have been slightly misplaced. And one is not quite sure which ripple of her lower half might be gauzy fabric and which might be hefty hulky female flesh. Something tells us Gloria might better indulge in some vertically-striped slacks and a structured top with some shoulders (and chest) to it. Trade in those peripheral ribbons for a broad belt, cinched all the way to “I can no longer breathe.” Meanwhile, don’t you dare touch that hair — you need the visual mass as counterbalance!

Kudos to Gloria for agreeing to appear on our stage! (enjoy your 15 seconds, girl.)

I now invite everyone to pop a squat through the next dozen or more commercials, because we still have more great Fashion Fails to come.

You will get to meet our homes André, who attempts to answer the questions of: When do sateen silver and scarlet jam shorts get just too large and long that they interfere with the visual impact made by one’s oversized unlaced pastel blue kicks? And Is there such a thing as too much bling? Really?

We will also be bringing out Clyde the bookkeeper. You can all help us sort out Clyde’s stripes and plaids, checks and paisleys, houndstooths and gabardines, dotted Swiss and French cuff. Please.

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