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Whiskers Plots

Updated on July 4, 2013
Whiskers Plots
Whiskers Plots | Source

I have seen this look before. And heard this ominous whistling, too. The thoughtful sequential tapping of claw after claw on linoleum. I can tell. Whiskers plots.

Right now, he is planning some diabolical feline freakishness. That I know. But the really tough part is trying to anticipate exactly which type of diabolical feline freakishness he is about to foist on us barely-suspecting humans (who dared to consider him our pet). If only one could figuratively crack that furred cranium to reveal the coming horror that is germinating within.

Will Whiskers once again — having tired of toying with the teeny rubberized goldfish lying limply inert at his clawed feet — make that headlong yowling leap from the top of the curio cabinet into the open rim of Gleamer’s fishbowl, to perchance dine on sushi tonight? Maybe I should get that scrap of screening from the garage, pronto, and fashion a leaping hungry devil-cat deterrent.

Or is it the dining room drapery that Whiskers is now pondering? Is his devious little brain calculating exactly how many parallel ribbons of slitted nylon he can create by means of a sudden frenzy of well-placed forepaw swipes? Can I make it up out of this Barcalounger and down the hall before him? Or before the worst of the damage is done? What if he head-fakes me, and veers toward the master bedroom drapes instead? (I swore last time I’d never fall for that again, but who knows?)

Maybe the little demon is recalling last week’s visit to the vet. How he found the fawning receptionist overly familiar and unctuous. And how he didn’t particularly enjoy his annual rabies inoculation. Or that whole to-do with the rectal thermometer. Or that I was the one who drove him there. Should I be worried for my own personal safety? Or the integrity of my leather reading chair?

Am I fretting entirely too much? Has Whiskers instead directed his evil designs this time on the Wilson’s Rottweiler bounding around by the back fence? Will he soon be planting those toe razors of his into some rather sensitive areas of canine anatomy? Should I be worrying about neighbor-on-neighbor retaliation to follow?

Or what if it’s the pantry again? Oh no, not the pantry! It was at least a week before all the split peas made it into the vacuum cleaner, and I never would have thought a bursting jar of marinara falling from only the lowest shelf could leave tomato spots on a ceiling fan! Let me tell you, you have never really felt true pain until you’ve stepped barefoot squarely onto a single lone honey-nut cluster at 2 a. m. Please, don’t let it be the pantry!

Maybe, if we are lucky, all he’s considering is exactly when to unload into the litter pan a vile load of diarrhea — to maximize the likely time lapse before one of us discovers it, and, thereby, the olfactory assault on the household. Omigod! Could it be?! Is he thinking perhaps of leaving the little surprise in one of my slippers again?!

Whiskers' last foe
Whiskers' last foe | Source
Whiskers' second cousin from Shanghai
Whiskers' second cousin from Shanghai | Source

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    • rickzimmerman profile image
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      rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      The best kind of compliment,thanks!

    • CMCastro profile image

      Christina M. Castro 5 years ago from Baltimore,MD USA

      I agree! You have just inspired me for a topic of another hub! Thanks. Your writing is always good for me, as it makes me feel like smiling! :)

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks for reading & Commenting, CM: I've endured the misfortune of having an incontinent cat scent-mark me as well. (And, as I'm sure you'll agree, though one can certainly forgive the little critter, it's not quite as cute as when done by your firstborn child!)

    • CMCastro profile image

      Christina M. Castro 5 years ago from Baltimore,MD USA

      OMGosh! I never want to wish on you-

      an inconvenient place for the kitty-poo!

      But my kitty was trained by me to sing-

      And one day, a song

      made him prolong

      his trip to the pooper,

      and upon me, while I held him,

      he left behind what needed

      to be in the scooper!

      I just thought I would share with you one of my interesting cat memories, as you have done so well here in this hub. Good job, Rick, I always enjoy reading about your feline friends.

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, poetvix! Glad to have you as a follower!

    • poetvix profile image

      poetvix 5 years ago from Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country.

      This is the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. Kudos to you for one fantastically hilarious piece.

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks much, Paradise 7! I appreciate being appreciated!

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York

      Ah, Whiskers the fiend in feline form. Can't live with him, can't live without him...or can you???? (Grin. Evil grin, but don't let Whiskers catch you!)

      Yet another great illustration. You are a graphic genius, and I appreciate your talent immensely. Thank you.

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks for your comment, Rosie: Sure understand the purse-peeing bit. Once a cat gets a urinary infection, all bets are off as to where the urine stains start popping up!

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, Jama! Sounds like your Siamese kept you entertained. Whiskers is modeled (somewhat) on our Devon Rex cats, which are more like puppies — playful, demanding, obnoxious — than cats.

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      ROTFL! Our Siamese was a pouter and a sulker, not a plotter or destroyer, so we missed out on the fun of having a Whiskers to keep us on our toes. Even the Christmas tree was safe after he somehow stuck two of his whiskers into the end of the light string and wiped out at least one of his nine lives! ;D

    • Rosie2010 profile image

      Rosie Rose 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Hiya Rick, I'm sure Whiskers is not plotting anything.. He is probably just wondering what's for dinner? lol My kids used to have a cat who created havoc in my house.. destroyed every piece of furniture, destroyed three xmas trees, and had the audacity of peeing inside my favourite purse. That last one made me cry. I love your sense of humour. I definitely enjoyed reading all about Whiskers plots. Thanks for making me laugh tonight. I love Whiskers cartoon too. Voted up and so funny. Cheers!

      Have a nice day,

      Rosie

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, manthy. Check out How to Enjoy Life as a Cat. [And, if you've got a sense of humor about that whole divine being thing, you might like my hubs on 'How to Be (a) God' or 'How to Be Pope'.]

    • manthy profile image

      Mark 5 years ago from Alabama,USA

      I love cats , the wife and kids ,this hub and GOD.

      Voted up and awesome