ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Whiskers Plots

Updated on July 4, 2013
Whiskers Plots
Whiskers Plots | Source

I have seen this look before. And heard this ominous whistling, too. The thoughtful sequential tapping of claw after claw on linoleum. I can tell. Whiskers plots.

Right now, he is planning some diabolical feline freakishness. That I know. But the really tough part is trying to anticipate exactly which type of diabolical feline freakishness he is about to foist on us barely-suspecting humans (who dared to consider him our pet). If only one could figuratively crack that furred cranium to reveal the coming horror that is germinating within.

Will Whiskers once again — having tired of toying with the teeny rubberized goldfish lying limply inert at his clawed feet — make that headlong yowling leap from the top of the curio cabinet into the open rim of Gleamer’s fishbowl, to perchance dine on sushi tonight? Maybe I should get that scrap of screening from the garage, pronto, and fashion a leaping hungry devil-cat deterrent.

Or is it the dining room drapery that Whiskers is now pondering? Is his devious little brain calculating exactly how many parallel ribbons of slitted nylon he can create by means of a sudden frenzy of well-placed forepaw swipes? Can I make it up out of this Barcalounger and down the hall before him? Or before the worst of the damage is done? What if he head-fakes me, and veers toward the master bedroom drapes instead? (I swore last time I’d never fall for that again, but who knows?)

Maybe the little demon is recalling last week’s visit to the vet. How he found the fawning receptionist overly familiar and unctuous. And how he didn’t particularly enjoy his annual rabies inoculation. Or that whole to-do with the rectal thermometer. Or that I was the one who drove him there. Should I be worried for my own personal safety? Or the integrity of my leather reading chair?

Am I fretting entirely too much? Has Whiskers instead directed his evil designs this time on the Wilson’s Rottweiler bounding around by the back fence? Will he soon be planting those toe razors of his into some rather sensitive areas of canine anatomy? Should I be worrying about neighbor-on-neighbor retaliation to follow?

Or what if it’s the pantry again? Oh no, not the pantry! It was at least a week before all the split peas made it into the vacuum cleaner, and I never would have thought a bursting jar of marinara falling from only the lowest shelf could leave tomato spots on a ceiling fan! Let me tell you, you have never really felt true pain until you’ve stepped barefoot squarely onto a single lone honey-nut cluster at 2 a. m. Please, don’t let it be the pantry!

Maybe, if we are lucky, all he’s considering is exactly when to unload into the litter pan a vile load of diarrhea — to maximize the likely time lapse before one of us discovers it, and, thereby, the olfactory assault on the household. Omigod! Could it be?! Is he thinking perhaps of leaving the little surprise in one of my slippers again?!

Whiskers' last foe
Whiskers' last foe | Source
Whiskers' second cousin from Shanghai
Whiskers' second cousin from Shanghai | Source

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      Rick Zimmerman 

      7 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      The best kind of compliment,thanks!

    • CMCastro profile image

      Christina M. Castro 

      7 years ago from Baltimore,MD USA

      I agree! You have just inspired me for a topic of another hub! Thanks. Your writing is always good for me, as it makes me feel like smiling! :)

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      Rick Zimmerman 

      7 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks for reading & Commenting, CM: I've endured the misfortune of having an incontinent cat scent-mark me as well. (And, as I'm sure you'll agree, though one can certainly forgive the little critter, it's not quite as cute as when done by your firstborn child!)

    • CMCastro profile image

      Christina M. Castro 

      7 years ago from Baltimore,MD USA

      OMGosh! I never want to wish on you-

      an inconvenient place for the kitty-poo!

      But my kitty was trained by me to sing-

      And one day, a song

      made him prolong

      his trip to the pooper,

      and upon me, while I held him,

      he left behind what needed

      to be in the scooper!

      I just thought I would share with you one of my interesting cat memories, as you have done so well here in this hub. Good job, Rick, I always enjoy reading about your feline friends.

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      Rick Zimmerman 

      7 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, poetvix! Glad to have you as a follower!

    • poetvix profile image

      poetvix 

      7 years ago from Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country.

      This is the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. Kudos to you for one fantastically hilarious piece.

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      Rick Zimmerman 

      7 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks much, Paradise 7! I appreciate being appreciated!

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 

      7 years ago from Upstate New York

      Ah, Whiskers the fiend in feline form. Can't live with him, can't live without him...or can you???? (Grin. Evil grin, but don't let Whiskers catch you!)

      Yet another great illustration. You are a graphic genius, and I appreciate your talent immensely. Thank you.

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      Rick Zimmerman 

      7 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks for your comment, Rosie: Sure understand the purse-peeing bit. Once a cat gets a urinary infection, all bets are off as to where the urine stains start popping up!

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      Rick Zimmerman 

      7 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, Jama! Sounds like your Siamese kept you entertained. Whiskers is modeled (somewhat) on our Devon Rex cats, which are more like puppies — playful, demanding, obnoxious — than cats.

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 

      7 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      ROTFL! Our Siamese was a pouter and a sulker, not a plotter or destroyer, so we missed out on the fun of having a Whiskers to keep us on our toes. Even the Christmas tree was safe after he somehow stuck two of his whiskers into the end of the light string and wiped out at least one of his nine lives! ;D

    • Rosie2010 profile image

      Rosie Rose 

      7 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Hiya Rick, I'm sure Whiskers is not plotting anything.. He is probably just wondering what's for dinner? lol My kids used to have a cat who created havoc in my house.. destroyed every piece of furniture, destroyed three xmas trees, and had the audacity of peeing inside my favourite purse. That last one made me cry. I love your sense of humour. I definitely enjoyed reading all about Whiskers plots. Thanks for making me laugh tonight. I love Whiskers cartoon too. Voted up and so funny. Cheers!

      Have a nice day,

      Rosie

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      Rick Zimmerman 

      7 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, manthy. Check out How to Enjoy Life as a Cat. [And, if you've got a sense of humor about that whole divine being thing, you might like my hubs on 'How to Be (a) God' or 'How to Be Pope'.]

    • manthy profile image

      Mark 

      7 years ago from Alabama,USA

      I love cats , the wife and kids ,this hub and GOD.

      Voted up and awesome

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)