Where is My Blessing?
I have dealt with infertility for almost 20 years. I am on my 2nd marriage and have asked God "why?" more times than I care to count. My husband and I want to adopt, but it is so expensive and he doesn't totally understand my need, as he has a son who is 14 from a previous marriage. I have wanted kids since I was three. My mom remembers me saying " When I grow up, I want to be a mommy" when I was very little. I went through numerous cycles of infertility treatment with my ex husband for years.
I went through my first IUI in 1995. My mom had endometriosis, but I had no symptoms, so we didn't think I had it. The doctors I had before this had kept giving me Clomid like it was candy. I did get pregnant while seeing one doctor, but miscarried at 8 weeks. The doctors FINALLY told me in 1997 after I miscarried, that I needed to see a specialist. (she was the one that did my IUI) After about 6 IUIs, along with all of the shots, she told me that I needed to do a laparoscopy to see if I had endometriosis, so with my mom and ex in tow, I went in for surgery. I did end up having stage two endometriosis and proceeded to have more treatment.
I finally did have an IVF procedure done in '98, but that did not work and my ex's insurance at that time, which only covered treatment up to $3000 LIFETIME, ran out. Things with him did not work out, and we divorced a few years later.
I married my new husband in 2006 and I love him, but he has a 14 year old son that I have known since he was 8 and it is hard for me to be around him, when I don't have kids of my own. I have settled on adopting, but I have had some trouble keeping jobs here in South Dakota where we live now. I am starting a new job this Monday, the 19th of October and am hoping and praying that this one works out! We need to save up, be able to pay our bills and my husband said that we can adopt in about a year. It sounds like FOREVER away for me! I don't know why he doesn't understand my pain more. Sometimes I feel isolated, I am so tired of seeing all of the baby bellies surrounding me. My youngest sister, (I am the oldest of three girls) just had a baby girl, she also has boy/girl twins who are almost six years old, from an IVF. (She also has endometriosis, but not as bad as what mine was) I am happy for her, but it still hurts. My family is 3 1/2 hours from us and I only see them once a month. I feel isolated and alone in this state/town, like no one understands how I am feeling. My husband's family doesn't seem to totally "get it" either. I JUST WANT AND NEED TO BE A MOM! I don't know why that is so much to ask GOD for!! I think that if we adopted now, or started the process, it would work out, but my husband won't do that until I have held a job. He doesn't have the faith that I do that it would work out. I feel like I have prayed until I am blue in the face. I don't know what else to do. Turning 39 was hard for me also. I know that the attorney that we would go through said that there is no age limit when going through him, but it still hurts. I feel like life is at a standstill and everyone else is living their lives. I have had a name for a baby girl picked out for a long time, Danica.
I don't know what else I can do but keep praying........While I can't say "I've been there" in regards to long-term infertility, I can say I've been there in regards to the miscarriage, and due to PCOS-like issues, did have to deal with infertility for a time, so I do have some idea how frustrating it is to want your own children and not be able to have them.
Perhaps, though, that your blessing isn't meant to be in the form of a biological child, but rather the opportunity to touch the life of children who would otherwise be without at least one parent?
It also seems to me like you feel guilty about the idea of taking your husband's son in as your own. Even if he's not biologically related to you, he is your son, and even before you and his father were married, you have still been a figure in his life for many years now, and will continue to be for many years to come.
I understand that part of the issue is that you want the whole experience, including the pregnancy part (I've been there, after my miscarriage and later, while trying to conceive again and having problems, I'd see all these women who were pregnant and seemed to act like it was nothing to be--and stay--pregnant and to carry a baby to term (particularly when I'd see pregnant women smoking), and it infuriated me), but perhaps it's one of the sacrifices you're supposed to make? By adopting, and by helping raise your stepson, you have and will have unique experiences.
Being a mommy isn't just about being pregnant. Pregnancy lasts for less than a year, being a mommy lasts for the rest of your life.
