Living a life absorbed by my deepest fears, allowing my depression define me, never letting myself to go out of my comfort zone, letting life happen to me rather than me making life happen, coming to a point in life where dying seem like the best option, this is hell for me.
Being trapped in line at Walmart on a Saturday afternoon, sandwiched between families with full shopping carts and screaming children.
Not fulfilling one's utmost human potential. Living an inauthentic, gray life. Working at a minimum wage job, living from hand to elbow. Existing instead of living. Being alive instead of succulently enjoying and experiencing life. Setting for third & fourth best, instead of wanting & having the best that life has to offer.
Consuming non-nutritious food. Having poor quality medical care. Living a substandard & mediocre life. Living a life of regrets-coulda, woulda, & shoulda. Living life according to others' rules. Surviving, not thriving. Concentrating on the more rudimentary aspects of life, never giving thought to the higher human aspects of life.
Having a poverty, struggling consciousness, mindset, mentality, & psychology. Believing that lack is a normative way of life. Never desiring to improve oneself & to live at the lowest common denominator. Loving & idolizing poverty & being poor. Associating with negaholic people who are soul devouring, even soul destroying. Ach! Living in a negative, soul destroying environment.
My definition of hell, is realizing that you've given more grief than anything else to all the people you love, thinking that love and guilt was just a matter of biology and circuits in the brain that can be toned down or switched off and later finding out that... you can't. Realizing that you've wasted the better part of your life living in hatred, fear, vanity, laziness, greed, unrealistic and empty hopes and dreams, and sheer stupidity and that that wasted life was afforded to you not by your own merit, as that does not exist until after the fact if it at all exists, but by the sacrifice and risk two other people had to make in raising you and nurturing you even beyond the call of normal duty, with only the hopes that they may do good enough of a job to be able to accept their own coming final fate in later life with the comfort and reassurance that the person they invested in with their heart and soul will at least live happily after they've ceased to exist, except not so.
Then finally deciding to kill yourself against every gram of sense you do possess as a compromise to end your own suffering and prevent any further harm to others, except for this final but seemingly necessary one, which is what you tell yourself to delay the truth of the matter being an act of cowardice. Knowing that as you muster every ounce of depleted courage, in an ill, hypersensitive and nauseating state that there is nothing which awaits you on the other side, as there simply is no other side. No heaven, no hell. Just sheer non-existence. A hideous, seemingly unnatural and unfathomable black emptiness with the simultaneous barrage of the greatest guilt you never thought you could feel, the greatest shame, and the greatest fear and most of all the greatest sense of being utterly alone, a truly grim sense of solitude in full glory.
Working a public service job non stop for the rest of my life. I'd take fire and brimstone over an irate customer any day.
In a nutshell, everyone's life is their own hell. Think about it!
I had a dream once that I died and went to hell, on the first level the head demon made us open candy bars, but we couldn't eat of them. So I was sitting there opening my favorite candy bars and handing them of for demons to eat, but I could never eat them.
On the second level the head demon sent us out to find a specific book, we could look at all the books in the book store, but we could never read them and we could never find the right book.
The third level we were sent to an amusement park, but the stairs to the rides would shake and cause everyone would fall off, so we could never ride any of the rides.
The fourth level we were told we could finally eat and enjoy ourselves at a nice restaurant, which turned out to be an Italian restaurant. ( I hate an Italian food.)
This dream has become my definition of hell.
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