A Brief Lesson in American History

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  1. Sprinkler Man profile image56
    Sprinkler Manposted 14 years ago

    History Lesson for today

    For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
    hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
    summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the

    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
    beer and the invention of the wheel . The wheel was invented to get
    man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
    together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
    distinct subgroups:

    1. Liberals, and
    2. Conservatives

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
    beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
    were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around
    waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
    brewery. That's how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
    night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
    is known as the Conservative movement .

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
    off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
    the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of
    the Liberal movement .

    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
    The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements
    include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
    group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
    divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
    most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
    symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
    white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
    their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
    liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note:
    most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
    Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
    Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
    designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher
    also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and
    still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters,
    rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
    doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of
    the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works
    productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
    conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
    and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
    are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
    remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
    crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
    trying to get more for nothing.

    Here ends today's lesson in world history:

    It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
    angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

    A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
    truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
    true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

    And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self .

    1. profile image0
      sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Now the real brief history of America...

      The wheel was invented to have an excuse for barfing up bad beer, while the domesticated liberals cleaned up after the "conservitive" men who didn't know any better.

      While the women ended up smelling like puke and doo doo from cleaning up the crap that the "conservatives" left behind, they decided it was finally time to utilize the wheel in which case the liberal women put four wheels together around a box and put all the conservative men in it and sent them down the river to try and catch an elephant. 

      While the women happily recieved that title "jackass" or "bitch", they calmly but enthusiastically drank the beer and designated barfing areas and ate vegitables because quite frankly they were sick of cleaning up doo doo.

      When the conservatives finally made it back and saw that the liberals had created a system that worked well, they used force thier brute force to take it away and demanded that the liberals "get a life". 

      So the liberals fled to Europe to "get a life" and brewed a better beer.  As luck of the liberals would have it, word spread.  Now today they like to call this "grass roots", and by the time word spread over all the world the conservatives became furious and so it begun...

      the battle between a good beer vs. cheap beer. wink

  2. knolyourself profile image61
    knolyourselfposted 14 years ago

    Great historical assessment. Better than real historians.
    "the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel"
    But not sure which is which. Is it beer conservative and wheel liberal or the other way round?

  3. Mark Knowles profile image57
    Mark Knowlesposted 14 years ago


    I have to strongly disagree -

    The two most important events were the invention of wine and cheese. wink

    Conservatives drink mostly Bud huh? That explains it. Try some real beer instead. big_smile


    Just about the only thing I miss from home.

    As for revealing your true self - good job. Cut and pasting some one else's illogical rant just about sums it up.

    1. Sufidreamer profile image79
      Sufidreamerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Curse you, Knowles.

      Your picture reminds me that I have had not had a nice pint of Marston's for a couple of years. sad

      I also wonder what 'procreational recreation' the Conservatives indulged in before Liberals evolved into women. wink

      1. Mark Knowles profile image57
        Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this


        Marmite, I can get here. A decent pint of beer is another story altogether. Haven't had a real beer in about 3 years now. 10 years without when I lived in the US.

        They have no clue about beer in the states. One decent brewery in the entire country, and they are not allowed to sell it outside the brewery because it is un-pasteurized and "dangerous," LOL

        That is what conservatives do. wink

        1. Sufidreamer profile image79
          Sufidreamerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          That is a horrendous thought. Imagine the UK government trying to impose similar restrictions on beer. A few hundred thousand hairy real-ale drinkers on the rampage could bring the country to its knees.

          1. Mark Knowles profile image57
            Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this


            I know. In the US - it is illegal to sell un-pasteurized beer or cheese - which is why their beer and cheese tastes like cardboard and wet cardboard. Ever drank Bud lite?

            They don't know what they are missing big_smile

      2. profile image0
        Leta Sposted 14 years agoin reply to this

        It is well known that conservative men don't care with who/what they indulge in 'procreational recreation,' with, as long as (mostly) it is warm and moving and is properly painted--this, usually.  smile 

        However, almost ALL women prefer men with adequate brain cells so they can understand what we like, and who also have good taste in red, white and sparking wine as well as beers.  These are almost always liberals.

        The Wild West has not been won--old blue-haired uncool conservatives interested in hoarding their coinage have made a mess of it here, and we liberals have only started to now put in sidewalks, among other infrastructure.

        1. Sprinkler Man profile image56
          Sprinkler Manposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Thanks Liberal, I guess you get the picture!!! This is a joke and all of you are even bigger jokes, I should have known not dare come here and try to make a joke about something. You really need to get a life!!!

          1. Mark Knowles profile image57
            Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Chill out sprinkles, I was just having fun back. Although - come to England and drink a few pints of Marston's Pedigree - then tell me Bud is beer.

            Better still - if you are any where near near North Carolina - go to the Weeping Radish brewery and try their beer. Not the piss in a bottle they are allowed to sell outside the brewery, but the good stuff. http://www.weepingradish.com/

            The only decent beer in the US.

          2. Sufidreamer profile image79
            Sufidreamerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I have a very happy and enriched life, thanks. Enjoy the inauguration! wink

            I am a moderate drinker - I never drink before 10am.

        2. Mark Knowles profile image57
          Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          I never saw a side walk when I was in the mid-west. You have them now? What next ? Legal oral sex? God forbid......

    2. Sprinkler Man profile image56
      Sprinkler Manposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thought this would be funny to share knowls - you know where you can go - AH!!!

      Real beer? Your such a Dumb Ass this is supposed to be a joke, get a life!!! Liberal.

  4. profile image0
    Leta Sposted 14 years ago

    Indeed, my response is a joke, too.  Satire, lol...

    You 'laugh' at us, but we can't laugh at you guys, huh?  I seeeee.....


    I'm truly in the Wild West now--AZ.  Truly no sidewalks.

    There are sidewalks in the cities of the Midwest--a much more centrist place compared to true red state hell.

  5. knolyourself profile image61
    knolyourselfposted 14 years ago

    Actually heard a great theory on the American beer thing. Makes sense
    context the American capitalist tradition. People don't drink as much heavy beer, so in America they watered it down so people would buy more. Less filling.

    1. profile image0
      Leta Sposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      As a former cocktail waitress, I can tell you it is akin to p*ss water (sorry, just a personal opinion).

      I agree, Knol.

  6. knolyourself profile image61
    knolyourselfposted 14 years ago

    All for naught. I can't drink beer anymore, maybe one once in awhile. Used to have one every eve, called 'Black Heart', from Trader Joe's, to put me to sleep. Beer now gives me heart burn bad. No fun getting old.

  7. profile image0
    Leta Sposted 14 years ago

    I actually don't drink much either--  Wine with dinner, etc.  The boyfriend likes dark Irish beers, so I've acquired a little taste for them occasionally.  Also introduced me to Chilean red wines--a big deal with Southwestern cuisine...  And he's a liberal.  Go figure!  smile

  8. Mighty Mom profile image77
    Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

    Thank God for the Conservatives! Without them I would have to work for a living instead of sitting around talking to my therapist and consuming brie and chablis.

  9. Misha profile image63
    Mishaposted 14 years ago

    Hey Sandy, I like your new avatar way better then the old one smile

    I would dare to say I love it smile

  10. livelonger profile image87
    livelongerposted 14 years ago

    Sprinkler Man has a point - if it weren't for conservatives, the US would be more like the coastal US (rich, productive, creative and interesting) and less like the Deep South (poor, unproductive, boring and saved from starvation through federal handouts). *shudders*

    Seriously, though, if you think all American cheese and beer is awful, then your perspective is probably at least 20 years old (or you shopped at 7-11s when you were here). The fact that many Americans subsist off Bud Lite and Kraft Singles doesn't mean that good stuff doesn't exist here, or that it isn't becoming easier to come by. The 90s saw microbreweries and craft beers explode, and California has lots of great cheese (most of it admittedly using European methods/cultures).

    BTW Trader Joe's is an excellent source for both (and at decent prices!).


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