How can we discuss loved ones who have died?

1. 59

   Twinklersposted 8 years ago

   How can we discuss loved ones who have died?
   
   Has anyone had the experience of being ignored or stonewalled or otherwise inhibited from talking about a loved one who has passed away?

   replyreport
2. 74

   AdamGeeposted 8 years ago

   This is a very difficult topic. I think it's important to find one or more supportive people somewhere in your life who will let you talk about your loved one. If you don't have someone like this, I suggest finding an appropriate 12 step program, or starting short term individual therapy.
   
   Whoever is not willing to talk about your loved one is probably going through a very difficult time themselves, and may be scared to talk about it. You cannot control what these people do, you can only control what you do. That's why I suggest you look for help where it is willing, and where it will probably be more constructive anyway.
   
   Hope this helps,
   AdamGee

   replyreport
3. 59

   Twinklersposted 8 years ago

   I guess that after 27 years of being free to speak about my son anytime, anywhere, the loss of that freedom stings. I do attend grief meetings and have a wonderful support system. The issue really is what I percieve of as a loss of freedom to express myself. When I speak of my son all is well until the fact of his death enters. Then its over, the blinds close and the subject is changed.
   I may have to accept the fact that people are simply uncomfortable in the face of death.
   I remember once my granddaughter told me, at 9 years old that she was afraid to go to the cemetery because she was worried the dead may come back to life. I told her if we were so lucky to have that happen we should reach out our hands and welcome them back to the world.
   Thank you for your insight.

   replyreport
4. 73

   Lisa HWposted 8 years ago

   I know what you mean.  I've run into it at times, because the person in question was such a large part of my life it's hard to never, ever, mention her.  There have been times when I get the blank look, as if the mere mention of her name makes someone think I'm "hanging on" to something that happened ages ago.  I've been over it for ages, but it's not possible to talk about a certain period of my life without mentioning her name, because she was pretty much always involved in whatever it was I'm talking about. 
   
   In  your situation in particular, you really need the people around you to understand what a big, big, unimaginable thing you're living with.  Someone needs to tell whoever does that how they can best be supportive of you.  Of course, in fairness to whoever they are, maybe the loss was unimaginable for them, or else maybe putting themselves in your place makes them feel like they can't offer anything to say.  Maybe they hate knowing you have it to deal with, or maybe they feel if they tried to say something not being in your place would mean they would say the wrong thing.
   
   I don't know how long it's been for you, but sincerest condolences.  (Is there any way you can talk to whoever this person is and ask why s/he is uncomfortable when you mention him?  Maybe it would help to get everyone's feelings about the whole "talking situation" out in the open.)

   replyreport
5. 52

   SpaceAgeposted 8 years ago

   i think ppl ignore survivors who speak a little 2 much about a deceased loved 1. i limit how much i mention some 1 & have NEVER run in2 problems. i make my mentions very brief & move on from there. never had any problems. the trick is 2 not sound like we're dwelling on something. when we can do that, we have no problems
   
   personal experience

   replyreport